Straddling the Line
Page 22
“That’s just . . . great.” Haven wanted to be happy for her mom. She really did. But something didn’t feel right.
“And then there’s this book club I joined as well. We meet once a week on Thursday nights. I’m reading a lot again. It’s so refreshing. So eye-opening.”
Haven leaned back in her chair, unable to fight the tears.
Her mom frowned. “Haven, what’s wrong?”
“Wow. It’s a good thing Dad died, so you could have this whole new life, isn’t it, Mom?”
“Haven. Honey, it’s not like that at all.”
“Isn’t it? Your life improved after he died, didn’t it? Look at all the fun you’re having now.” She pushed back from the table. “Excuse me. I need some air.”
She fled the kitchen and grabbed the car keys Trevor had left on the table by the front door. Without thinking, she got in the car and backed down the driveway, knowing only that she had to get out of there, had to get away from her house and her mother and everything that just wasn’t the same anymore.
Not only was Dad not there, leaving a gaping hole in her life, but now her mother was this completely different person.
Did everything have to change? Everyone?
She had to go see her dad and try to make sense of all of this.
TREVOR COULDN’T BELIEVE THE WORDS THAT HAD spilled out of Haven’s mouth. She was always so sweet, so sensitive to everyone around her, especially her mother.
But she’d just cut down her mom, and in the cruelest way possible.
“Miss Ginger. I’m sorry. You have to know she didn’t mean it.”
Tears welled in Ginger’s eyes. “Oh, honey. I know she didn’t. This past year has been so hard for her. She was so close to Bill and losing him devastated her. God, it devastated me. I could barely function the first couple of months after he was gone. I don’t know what I would have done without Haven, without my friends and family. But Haven, she pulled it all inside and wanted me to think she was fine. She felt she had to be the strong one for me when I knew deep down inside she wasn’t all right. That’s why I called you.”
“I’m glad you did. But I thought she was coming out of it, that she was through the worst of it.”
Ginger nodded. “I think she wanted to walk into her house and see that nothing had changed. It’s bad enough her daddy isn’t here anymore. And now everything else is different, including me.”
Trevor felt the need to defend Ginger. “You have a right to move on with your life.”
“I know that, and you know that. But I don’t think she understands just yet that Bill is, was, and always will be the great love of my life. And whether my weight or my occupation changes, how I feel about him never will.”
She pushed back from the chair. “I need to go talk to her.”
Trevor stood. “I’ll go with you.”
She laid her hand on his chest. “No, honey. This one I have to do alone. I’ll bring her back with me.”
Trevor watched Ginger grab her keys and walk out the door, wishing there was something he could do to help.
But Ginger was probably right. This conversation had to be between mother and daughter. And he couldn’t intervene.
He’d never felt more helpless.
TWENTY-TWO
HAVEN SAT ON THE CEMENT BENCH THEY’D ERECTED in front of her father’s grave, staring at the headstone marked with his name, his dates of birth and death, and the words Husband, Father, Friend To So Many etched on his tombstone.
She swiped at the tears, knowing how her dad would tell her not to cry over him.
“I’m sorry, Daddy. I know you’d be mad at me for the things I said to Mom. But it’s like she’s forgotten you. She’s got this whole new life now. It’s like she’s moved on, and I can’t seem to do that. I guess I’m not as strong. I need your help.”
She shuddered as she inhaled, wishing like anything she could feel her dad’s big strong arms around her right now. Just one more time.
“Remember when we’d sit in the living room and watch football together? Remember the popcorn fights? Mom would get so mad at us about that.”
“That’s because I’d have to do all the vacuuming, and a week later I’d still find popcorn kernels.”
She half turned to find her mother standing just behind her. She came and sat on the bench next to her.
“I’m sorry for what I said to you. It was rude and unforgivable,” Haven said.
Her mother put her arm around her. “You have no need to apologize. You were always taught to say what was on your mind.”
“Not like that. It was disrespectful. Please forgive me.”
“You’re forgiven. I know what I’m doing must seem to you like I’ve moved on from your father, when nothing could be further from the truth, Haven.” Her mother stared at the headstone, and Haven saw tears shimmer in her eyes. “God, I loved that man with all my heart and soul. There will never be a love in my life like him. He was the first, the last, and everything to me.”
Haven sniffled, and then she realized that her mother had buried the love of her life. It had been utterly and completely cruel of her to throw those words at her mother. Haven had lost her father, but her mother had lost the man she had loved for more than thirty-three years. She took her mother’s hand and squeezed it.
“But your father made me promise that I wouldn’t stop living, that I’d continue to follow my dreams. And I did promise him that. When the school told me about the dorm parent situation, I figured I’d make good on that promise and go back to school—back to teaching again. I’d gotten a little complacent. And if I sit in that house and wallow about losing your father, I’ll lose myself as well, Haven. I can’t do that. I have to keep living. Not just for you, but for myself. And for your dad.”
Haven nodded. “I know you do.”
Her mother turned to her. “And so do you. Your father would be so disappointed in you if you allowed your world to stop because he died.”
Haven inhaled on a sob. “I know he would. But I miss him so much.”
“We still have each other. For as long as I’m alive, we’ll still have each other. But you have to go out and find your life, my sweet baby girl. Promise me you’ll do that.”
Her mother wrapped her up in her arms. And just like that, she felt the warmth of love surrounding her. It was as if for that moment, she felt her dad’s presence there, as well. Maybe it was just her imagination, or wishful thinking, but a sense of well-being enveloped her.
“I will. I promise, Mom. Things will be better now. For both of us.”
She looked at her dad’s headstone, and for the first time since he died, she was able to think about the future without that future feeling empty.
Okay, Dad. For you. For Mom. It’s time for all of us to move on.
TREVOR PUT AWAY THE LEFTOVER STEW AND DID THE dishes, and even made another pitcher of tea, needing to keep his hands and his mind occupied while he waited for Haven and her mom to get back. When he heard the car doors, he wiped his hands on the dish towel and pulled out clean glasses in case they wanted a drink.
Haven was the first to show up in the kitchen.
She arched a brow. “You did dishes?”
“Yeah. Are you still hungry?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“How about some tea? I made more of that.”
“Aren’t you all domestic. I’d love a glass of tea.”
He poured her a glass and handed it to her. “Where’s your mom?”
“She went upstairs.”
“Are you okay? Are the two of you okay?”
“We’re good now. Thanks.”
He took a seat next to her. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She took a couple of swallows of tea. “Not particularly, other than to apologize to you as well. I wasn’t my best today, but things are going to be better now.”
She didn’t owe him any explanation. That was between her and her mother. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Haven. I told you before that you’re allowed to feel however you feel.”
“Thanks for that. But I was rude, especially to my mom.”
“You settled that, though, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then. Nothing more to talk about.”
She took a deep breath. “I thought we might go for a walk, if that’s all right with you.”
He nodded. “Sure.”
She grabbed her zip-up hoodie and he pulled on his sweatshirt before they stepped outside.
Trevor felt the chill in the air, even through his sweatshirt. It made him think of football. Crave it. He wanted to be in Tampa, with his team. Much as he’d hated losing to Atlanta, to be shut out of postseason baseball, he had to switch his mind-set.
Tampa had already played three games without him. He had to get his ass in gear and his body ready for football. He was already in shape, but football was a different game.
“You’re quiet,” Haven said.
“Thinking about football.”
Her lips curved. “Already making the switch mentally?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re ready to play.”
He shifted his focus to her. Her eyes were red rimmed and swollen. Time to shut off thoughts of himself and his game. “I’m ready to play. How about you?”
“What about me?”
“How do you feel?”
They’d arrived at a public park just outside campus, so he took her hand and led her to one of the picnic benches. They sat on top of the bench.
“I feel fine now. I went to the cemetery. I talked to my mom, and I know this sounds silly, but I also talked to my dad. Everything feels clearer to me.”
“Good.”
“I guess I was stuck in the past and I didn’t want anything to change. I didn’t want my dad to have died.” She looked over at him. “I’ve been in denial, refusing to face a life without him.”
He swept her hair away from her face. “It’s been hard for you.”
“Yeah, it has been. And that I can face now. It’s been hard. It probably always will be. I think that’s what was so hard about seeing my mom tonight. She was moving forward, and it appeared to be so easy for her.”
“It’s not easy for her, Haven. You have to realize that.”
“I do now. It was petty and childish of me to say those things to her, to accuse her of not mourning my father. She loved him. With everything she had, she loved him every day they were together. She still does.”
He nodded and scooted closer to her. “You both did. He was a very lucky man to have both of you.”
“He had so many people who loved him. You, all the guys.”
“Yeah, we did. It was hard losing the postseason and not getting that phone call from him telling me everything was going to be okay. I miss him, too.”
“I know you do. He left a legacy, Trevor. People will remember him.”
Her voice was stronger now, her eyes clearer.
“Of course we will. I couldn’t have survived college without him. He was more like a father to me than my father ever was.”
“Thanks for that. It means a lot to me to hear it.”
“It’s the truth.”
“I guess it was just hard for me to let go of his memory.”
He tilted her face to his. “You never have to do that. Don’t even try. You just have to let go of the pain.”
She nodded. “You’re right.” She leaned her head against his shoulder. For a while, they just sat there side by side, his arm around her in the dark. A few students walked by, no doubt heading back and forth to the nearby library, which was open all night.
God, he sure as hell didn’t miss college, at least not the academic part. That had been hell for him. He missed playing, though.
Haven shivered next to him.
“Ready to head back? It’s getting cold out here,” he said.
“Okay.”
He slid off the table, then grasped Haven around the waist, pulling her into his arms. She nestled against him, then wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. She tilted her head back and looked up at him.
“Thanks for being here with me and for not thinking I’m some giant mess of a crazy, raving bitch.”
He laughed. “I don’t think that about you.”
“Oh, please. Even I think that about me.”
“Well, you’re wrong.” He tipped her chin up with his fingers, then brushed his lips across hers. “I think you’re honest with your emotions.”
“I wasn’t. I was running hot and cold, not facing them.”
“You’re more honest than most women I know, Haven.”
“I’m going to try to be more honest in the future. I have to be. Running from how I feel has been tearing me apart.”
Now he cupped her face in his hands. “You should never run from how you feel.”
She leaned further into him, laying her hands on his chest. “You feel pretty good. And I’m definitely not running now.”
He laughed, then tugged her close and kissed her, liking the way she molded her body to his. If they were alone—and they were anything but alone right now—he’d make her feel all kinds of things. Because she sure as hell was making him feel things, especially rubbing her body against his like she was.
“You need to stop,” he finally said, leaning his forehead against hers.
Her breath came out in a rush. “I want you. Can we make that happen?”
“And then there’s this book club I joined as well. We meet once a week on Thursday nights. I’m reading a lot again. It’s so refreshing. So eye-opening.”
Haven leaned back in her chair, unable to fight the tears.
Her mom frowned. “Haven, what’s wrong?”
“Wow. It’s a good thing Dad died, so you could have this whole new life, isn’t it, Mom?”
“Haven. Honey, it’s not like that at all.”
“Isn’t it? Your life improved after he died, didn’t it? Look at all the fun you’re having now.” She pushed back from the table. “Excuse me. I need some air.”
She fled the kitchen and grabbed the car keys Trevor had left on the table by the front door. Without thinking, she got in the car and backed down the driveway, knowing only that she had to get out of there, had to get away from her house and her mother and everything that just wasn’t the same anymore.
Not only was Dad not there, leaving a gaping hole in her life, but now her mother was this completely different person.
Did everything have to change? Everyone?
She had to go see her dad and try to make sense of all of this.
TREVOR COULDN’T BELIEVE THE WORDS THAT HAD spilled out of Haven’s mouth. She was always so sweet, so sensitive to everyone around her, especially her mother.
But she’d just cut down her mom, and in the cruelest way possible.
“Miss Ginger. I’m sorry. You have to know she didn’t mean it.”
Tears welled in Ginger’s eyes. “Oh, honey. I know she didn’t. This past year has been so hard for her. She was so close to Bill and losing him devastated her. God, it devastated me. I could barely function the first couple of months after he was gone. I don’t know what I would have done without Haven, without my friends and family. But Haven, she pulled it all inside and wanted me to think she was fine. She felt she had to be the strong one for me when I knew deep down inside she wasn’t all right. That’s why I called you.”
“I’m glad you did. But I thought she was coming out of it, that she was through the worst of it.”
Ginger nodded. “I think she wanted to walk into her house and see that nothing had changed. It’s bad enough her daddy isn’t here anymore. And now everything else is different, including me.”
Trevor felt the need to defend Ginger. “You have a right to move on with your life.”
“I know that, and you know that. But I don’t think she understands just yet that Bill is, was, and always will be the great love of my life. And whether my weight or my occupation changes, how I feel about him never will.”
She pushed back from the chair. “I need to go talk to her.”
Trevor stood. “I’ll go with you.”
She laid her hand on his chest. “No, honey. This one I have to do alone. I’ll bring her back with me.”
Trevor watched Ginger grab her keys and walk out the door, wishing there was something he could do to help.
But Ginger was probably right. This conversation had to be between mother and daughter. And he couldn’t intervene.
He’d never felt more helpless.
TWENTY-TWO
HAVEN SAT ON THE CEMENT BENCH THEY’D ERECTED in front of her father’s grave, staring at the headstone marked with his name, his dates of birth and death, and the words Husband, Father, Friend To So Many etched on his tombstone.
She swiped at the tears, knowing how her dad would tell her not to cry over him.
“I’m sorry, Daddy. I know you’d be mad at me for the things I said to Mom. But it’s like she’s forgotten you. She’s got this whole new life now. It’s like she’s moved on, and I can’t seem to do that. I guess I’m not as strong. I need your help.”
She shuddered as she inhaled, wishing like anything she could feel her dad’s big strong arms around her right now. Just one more time.
“Remember when we’d sit in the living room and watch football together? Remember the popcorn fights? Mom would get so mad at us about that.”
“That’s because I’d have to do all the vacuuming, and a week later I’d still find popcorn kernels.”
She half turned to find her mother standing just behind her. She came and sat on the bench next to her.
“I’m sorry for what I said to you. It was rude and unforgivable,” Haven said.
Her mother put her arm around her. “You have no need to apologize. You were always taught to say what was on your mind.”
“Not like that. It was disrespectful. Please forgive me.”
“You’re forgiven. I know what I’m doing must seem to you like I’ve moved on from your father, when nothing could be further from the truth, Haven.” Her mother stared at the headstone, and Haven saw tears shimmer in her eyes. “God, I loved that man with all my heart and soul. There will never be a love in my life like him. He was the first, the last, and everything to me.”
Haven sniffled, and then she realized that her mother had buried the love of her life. It had been utterly and completely cruel of her to throw those words at her mother. Haven had lost her father, but her mother had lost the man she had loved for more than thirty-three years. She took her mother’s hand and squeezed it.
“But your father made me promise that I wouldn’t stop living, that I’d continue to follow my dreams. And I did promise him that. When the school told me about the dorm parent situation, I figured I’d make good on that promise and go back to school—back to teaching again. I’d gotten a little complacent. And if I sit in that house and wallow about losing your father, I’ll lose myself as well, Haven. I can’t do that. I have to keep living. Not just for you, but for myself. And for your dad.”
Haven nodded. “I know you do.”
Her mother turned to her. “And so do you. Your father would be so disappointed in you if you allowed your world to stop because he died.”
Haven inhaled on a sob. “I know he would. But I miss him so much.”
“We still have each other. For as long as I’m alive, we’ll still have each other. But you have to go out and find your life, my sweet baby girl. Promise me you’ll do that.”
Her mother wrapped her up in her arms. And just like that, she felt the warmth of love surrounding her. It was as if for that moment, she felt her dad’s presence there, as well. Maybe it was just her imagination, or wishful thinking, but a sense of well-being enveloped her.
“I will. I promise, Mom. Things will be better now. For both of us.”
She looked at her dad’s headstone, and for the first time since he died, she was able to think about the future without that future feeling empty.
Okay, Dad. For you. For Mom. It’s time for all of us to move on.
TREVOR PUT AWAY THE LEFTOVER STEW AND DID THE dishes, and even made another pitcher of tea, needing to keep his hands and his mind occupied while he waited for Haven and her mom to get back. When he heard the car doors, he wiped his hands on the dish towel and pulled out clean glasses in case they wanted a drink.
Haven was the first to show up in the kitchen.
She arched a brow. “You did dishes?”
“Yeah. Are you still hungry?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“How about some tea? I made more of that.”
“Aren’t you all domestic. I’d love a glass of tea.”
He poured her a glass and handed it to her. “Where’s your mom?”
“She went upstairs.”
“Are you okay? Are the two of you okay?”
“We’re good now. Thanks.”
He took a seat next to her. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She took a couple of swallows of tea. “Not particularly, other than to apologize to you as well. I wasn’t my best today, but things are going to be better now.”
She didn’t owe him any explanation. That was between her and her mother. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Haven. I told you before that you’re allowed to feel however you feel.”
“Thanks for that. But I was rude, especially to my mom.”
“You settled that, though, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then. Nothing more to talk about.”
She took a deep breath. “I thought we might go for a walk, if that’s all right with you.”
He nodded. “Sure.”
She grabbed her zip-up hoodie and he pulled on his sweatshirt before they stepped outside.
Trevor felt the chill in the air, even through his sweatshirt. It made him think of football. Crave it. He wanted to be in Tampa, with his team. Much as he’d hated losing to Atlanta, to be shut out of postseason baseball, he had to switch his mind-set.
Tampa had already played three games without him. He had to get his ass in gear and his body ready for football. He was already in shape, but football was a different game.
“You’re quiet,” Haven said.
“Thinking about football.”
Her lips curved. “Already making the switch mentally?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re ready to play.”
He shifted his focus to her. Her eyes were red rimmed and swollen. Time to shut off thoughts of himself and his game. “I’m ready to play. How about you?”
“What about me?”
“How do you feel?”
They’d arrived at a public park just outside campus, so he took her hand and led her to one of the picnic benches. They sat on top of the bench.
“I feel fine now. I went to the cemetery. I talked to my mom, and I know this sounds silly, but I also talked to my dad. Everything feels clearer to me.”
“Good.”
“I guess I was stuck in the past and I didn’t want anything to change. I didn’t want my dad to have died.” She looked over at him. “I’ve been in denial, refusing to face a life without him.”
He swept her hair away from her face. “It’s been hard for you.”
“Yeah, it has been. And that I can face now. It’s been hard. It probably always will be. I think that’s what was so hard about seeing my mom tonight. She was moving forward, and it appeared to be so easy for her.”
“It’s not easy for her, Haven. You have to realize that.”
“I do now. It was petty and childish of me to say those things to her, to accuse her of not mourning my father. She loved him. With everything she had, she loved him every day they were together. She still does.”
He nodded and scooted closer to her. “You both did. He was a very lucky man to have both of you.”
“He had so many people who loved him. You, all the guys.”
“Yeah, we did. It was hard losing the postseason and not getting that phone call from him telling me everything was going to be okay. I miss him, too.”
“I know you do. He left a legacy, Trevor. People will remember him.”
Her voice was stronger now, her eyes clearer.
“Of course we will. I couldn’t have survived college without him. He was more like a father to me than my father ever was.”
“Thanks for that. It means a lot to me to hear it.”
“It’s the truth.”
“I guess it was just hard for me to let go of his memory.”
He tilted her face to his. “You never have to do that. Don’t even try. You just have to let go of the pain.”
She nodded. “You’re right.” She leaned her head against his shoulder. For a while, they just sat there side by side, his arm around her in the dark. A few students walked by, no doubt heading back and forth to the nearby library, which was open all night.
God, he sure as hell didn’t miss college, at least not the academic part. That had been hell for him. He missed playing, though.
Haven shivered next to him.
“Ready to head back? It’s getting cold out here,” he said.
“Okay.”
He slid off the table, then grasped Haven around the waist, pulling her into his arms. She nestled against him, then wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. She tilted her head back and looked up at him.
“Thanks for being here with me and for not thinking I’m some giant mess of a crazy, raving bitch.”
He laughed. “I don’t think that about you.”
“Oh, please. Even I think that about me.”
“Well, you’re wrong.” He tipped her chin up with his fingers, then brushed his lips across hers. “I think you’re honest with your emotions.”
“I wasn’t. I was running hot and cold, not facing them.”
“You’re more honest than most women I know, Haven.”
“I’m going to try to be more honest in the future. I have to be. Running from how I feel has been tearing me apart.”
Now he cupped her face in his hands. “You should never run from how you feel.”
She leaned further into him, laying her hands on his chest. “You feel pretty good. And I’m definitely not running now.”
He laughed, then tugged her close and kissed her, liking the way she molded her body to his. If they were alone—and they were anything but alone right now—he’d make her feel all kinds of things. Because she sure as hell was making him feel things, especially rubbing her body against his like she was.
“You need to stop,” he finally said, leaning his forehead against hers.
Her breath came out in a rush. “I want you. Can we make that happen?”
