Stupid Girl
Page 39
“Let’s go for a walk,” I said, later that evening. “I need to stretch my legs.”
“Lead the way,” he answered. We both rose from the sofa.
“You two bundle up good,” Mom said, and she smiled at Brax. “You might be used to Boston weather, sweetie, but this is about as cold as I’ve seen it get in Texas.”
Brax flashed my mom his famous smile. “Yes, ma’am.”
Mom shook her head, a slight grin tipping her mouth, and turned back to the stove to make tea.
In the foyer, we both pulled on knit hats, scarves, and jackets, and headed outside into the chilled night air. The yard lamp cast an amber hue over the porch, and we started down the steps. Our breath frosted and billowed out before us on each exhale as we walked the path to the barn. My hands dug deep into my coat pockets, seeking warmth. Brax walked close, his arm around my shoulder. I wanted to just melt into him. Forget everything that had happened before now. Because compared to losing Jilly, it was … I don’t know. It seemed stupid. Immature. Not worth the worry. Right? I mean, Brax was here, with me now. He didn’t have to be. He didn’t have to even offer. But he had. Question was, could I ever trust him again? Would it always be a thorn in my gut, digging away at me?
“Gracie,” he started. He was quiet then, and I looked up. His eyes were on mine, and he struggled with his words. “I want to tell you the whole story. Everything. But,” he glanced up, toward the sky. “I don’t want you to think that’s the reason I came here.” He stopped us both, grasped my shoulders, and looked down at me. “It’s not. At all.”
Sincerity shined in the reflection of light in his eyes. “I believe you.” To my surprise, I did, too.
Relief passed over his gaze, and he nodded and we started up the path. I watched the earth pass beneath my boots as we walked. “But only if you want to tell it.”
“I do.” He drew in a long breath, exhaled. “There are things you need to know.”
I guided us off the path and turned toward the barn’s side entrance. “Let’s go sit in the loft,” I offered, and a fond memory passed through me. “Jilly always knew to look here if he couldn’t find me. It’s my thinking spot.”
I let us in the side entrance, and the familiar scent of hay and horse and sweet feed swept over me. A couple of horses whinnied at our presence, and I led us to the ladder at the far end. I climbed up first, Brax right behind me. In the loft, I crossed the wooden floor to the swing door, unbolted it, and pushed it open. When I sat and dangled my legs out over the ledge, Brax did the same. We were still and silent for a few moments, staring out across Beaumont land in the darkness. Stars littered the clear November sky.
He turned where he sat, looked me square in the eye. “I chose you for the dare, Gracie. The second I saw you walking across the lawn, I knew it had to be you.”
27. Conflicted
My heart plummeted at Brax’s confession. I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know where to look. I wanted honesty? Well, he was giving it to me, double-barrels. I stared at my hands, laced my fingers. I said nothing, just waited for him to continue.
“All those rumors about me, Gracie? They were true.” He looked out over the field, and I slid a glance at his profile. Strong. Handsome. Perfect. “Getting women to fall for me? It was like a drug. The chase, an adrenaline rush.” He looked at me then, and shadows obscured half of his face. “When I first laid eyes on you? In that hat, and those boots? Carrying that box across the grass?” He shook his head, but kept his gaze on mine. “I thought it was just another game. Another chase.” The muscles flexed in his jaws. “You suckerpunched me, Gracie. Never been hit so hard in my whole life.” He brushed his knuckles over my cheek. “You’re just so damn different.”
Butterflies churned in my stomach, and I found I couldn’t look away. Still, I kept silent.
Brax dropped his hand. “The night we were together, someone got me on their iPhone leaving your dorm. At first, I denied everything. They wouldn’t go for it. Then I tried to convince the guys to drop the dare, or drop you from it.” He let out a short laugh, sarcastic, angry. “When words didn’t work, I used my fists. That didn’t work, either. Egged them on, actually.” He looked at me. “They wouldn’t leave it alone. You fascinated them almost as much as you did me. And that ring?” He brushed his fingers over where that slight silver ring used to rest. “It just made the dare that much more exciting. And the more of a big deal I made of it, the worse they got.” His gaze moved to the sky. “Evans got word to the Kappas that you weren’t a virgin after all. I got to thinking that it’d all die down after the Blitz. Figured they’d grow the f**k up and move on. Evans didn’t help matters. He prodded. Made it flame.” The crystal stare moved back to me. “Then you showed up at the Blitz.” He again shook his head, and his breath frosted out in a puff of white. “Cory found out you were there and I’d tried to get to you before they announced everything. Christ, I’d never felt so shitty in my entire life. And I lost it.” A look of raw emotion flashed over his eyes. “I realized long before that night, at what you really, truly meant—” He sighed. “Mean to me, Gracie. When you drove away with Hicks?” He blew out another gusty sigh. “Ate me alive. And I’m sorry for not only starting the whole f**king dare thing,” he laced his fingers through mine, “but for not stopping it. The last thing in this world I’d ever want to do is hurt you.”
Thoughts ran cross-road style in my head as I tried to process everything Brax told me. I knew he meant them—I could see the sincerity in his eyes. He was being honest. Yet something held me back. I couldn’t put a finger on it, and it infuriated me.
“The morning I left you? Christ, you were lying there, so f**king peaceful, with your hair all around you. You made it hard for me to breathe, Gracie. It was the hardest f**king thing I’d ever done in my life, leaving you there alone.” He looked away, struggling for words, then stared back at me. “I had no idea when I left that I wasn’t coming back to you.”
My insides froze. “What do you mean?”
Brax let out a harsh breath. “Cory called me. Said Evans was drunk as all holy f**k yelling outside the Kappa house.” His eyes hardened. “About you and some video he had.” The muscles tightened in Brax’s jaw. “I slipped out of your room and hauled ass over there, ready to put a stop to the whole f**king thing. Sure enough, Evans was there, letting everything he knew about you out.” A sadistic curve settled over his mouth. “I beat the f**k out of him that morning, Gracie. If Cory hadn’t pulled me off, I might have killed him.”
My heart seized, and I shivered. I’d known there were cellular videos of me acting stupid at that party with Kelsy. “What happened?”
Brax stared straight ahead for a few seconds before turning a full gaze on me. “Evans’ father happened.”
Icy fingers of dread clutched at me. “What?”
“One of Evans’ dick buddies had called his father before I’d even shown up. Said his boy was in trouble. He, uh,” he scrubbed his jaw. “He brought a few thugs of his own. Pulled me off Kelsy and beat me pretty good.” Brax looked at me. “He told me it’d be in your best interest if I left you alone. Stayed away from Kelsy. That with the pictures and video he had of you, he could make sure your life at Winston would be pure hell.” He looked out of the loft. “He said he even knew a few people on the scholarship board. Said if I didn’t leave his boy alone he could make you look real bad. And after what he’d already done to you and your family, I f**king believed him.”
Words escaped me, and it grew harder and harder to breathe. “Oh my … God.”
Brax traced my jaw with his thumb, and his eyes, filled with worry and pain, sought mine. “I knew I couldn’t chance it. Risk you getting hurt, in any way. So I left.” He sighed. “Then, the more I dwelled on it, the more the selfish part of me kicked in. I thought we could handle whatever trash shit Evans threw at us together. I couldn’t stay away from you. I missed you so f**king bad, it hurt. And I wanted to explain what had happened.” He shook his head. “Maybe even go to the cops or something. I just couldn’t let you keep on thinking I was a soulless prick who took advantage of you.”
I let a long, pent up breath slowly release from my lungs. “I believe you,” I finally answered. Brax’s eyes remained guarded, though, never leaving mine. I exhaled, fought back tears as my own realization flashed before me. “But, Brax,” and at that moment, fear crossed his gaze, and I hated it. “I gave you my complete trust. After everything I’d gone through with Kelsy my senior year, I overcame it all by believing in you. What we shared that night? It meant way more to me than you can imagine.” I stared at him. “And I gave it to you. Willingly. I didn’t think that would ever happen. When you broke it off?” The too-recent memory crowded me. “God, it hurt. Hurt so bad, Brax.”
“It was not casual to me, either, Gracie, please,” Brax insisted. “Far from it. It was so goddamn real, it scared the hell out of me. I’d never experienced anything like it. Like you.” He lifted our joined hands to his lips, brushed a cold kiss over my knuckles, and my heart plummeted once more. “I’m sorry for letting you think, even for a second, that what we had wasn’t real. I’m sorry for letting Evans and his father convince me into breaking it off with you, instead of telling you what had happened. It was stupid. A f**king mistake. And I’m asking for another chance.”
My brain and my heart tangled. I wanted to trust him fully; believe in him. Part of me did, one hundred percent. But that other part had doubts, and not all were caused by Brax’s betrayal. It was residual, a dirty sheen of self-doubt left over from my days with Kelsy. I knew then if Brax and I were meant to be, we would be. But I didn’t want to go into that relationship half-cocked. I wanted no doubts. No second guessing.
Jilly’s dying words rang in my ears. Make sure you come first, above all else.
I forced bravery into my stare, and it was a hard thing to accomplish. It’d be so easy to just say okay. To deal with my own doubts. But I couldn’t. I’d promised Jilly. “I just can’t give it to you right now, Brax. I just … need time. To sort things through.”
The pain in his eyes rocked me, and he nodded, looked away. “All right.” His voice was hoarse. “That’s fair. I can give you time.” He squeezed my hand, but didn’t look at me.
He didn’t understand, though. I knew he didn’t. I barely understood myself. And I wasn’t going to fill his head with a load of crap, with explanations and empty reasons why I couldn’t just give him another chance. “Thank you for being here for me during all this. It meant a lot to me. To my family.”
Again he nodded, and this time he looked at me. The hurt in his eyes almost unraveled me. “You have a great family, Gracie. I’m glad I got to meet them. Jilly especially.”
The thought crossed my mind about Jilly’s private meeting with Brax. “What did he say to you?”
A somber smile touched Brax’s mouth, and he let me hand go. “Sorry, Sunshine. That one stays with me. For now.”
We stayed at the ranch for two more days and helped Mom, Seth, Kyle and Jace with, well, everything. Brax was up at the crack of dawn each day, chopping wood, helping feed the horses, and he even helped Mom give a few vaccinations. He was still charming, miraculously watched his Boston potty mouth, but a change had come over him, ever since that night of confessions in the loft. Ever since I’d denied him a second chance. He kept his distance, for the most part. There beside me, yet not really. I chose not to share with my family what had transpired between Brax and Mr. Evans. My mom and brothers had suffered enough my senior year. I wouldn’t drag all that hell back up and them through it.
When we left the ranch, Brax hugged my mother goodbye, shook my brothers’ hands. No one suspected that I’d just hurt him. At least, I didn’t think they did. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him. My heart had begged me to change my mind. But my brain had decided not to ever be stupid again. And I’d listened.
The ride home wasn’t completely uncomfortable. There was no hand holding, no random brush of Brax’s knuckles against my skin, and no in-depth stares from eyes that no doubt would always haunt me. When we reached my dorm, he parked my truck, and walked me to the door. There he surprised me, and even with girls going in and out of the dorm, he kissed me on the cheek, and then said goodbye.
As I watched him jog across the parking lot and out of sight, my heart sank. I’d made this choice, this smart, highly intelligent decision of self-preservation. I had no idea what the future held as far as Brax and I were concerned; I only had control over myself. And it was there, standing in the lobby of Oliver Hall, that I decided not to waste a single second trying to decipher my own decisions, and whether they’d been the right ones. I had a semester to finish. Not just finish, but excel at. After all that had happened—Mr. Evans’ threat to destroy my life at Winston, my broken heart, and Jilly’s unexpected death—I had a lot of ground to cover.
The first week of December flew by. True to his word, Brax had somehow managed to convince Professor Callander to give me my job back at the observatory. Noah had been waiting for me in astronomy and gave me the good news. And when I’d shown up at work that afternoon, and thanked the professor, he just looked at me with those gentle brown eyes, and nodded. “I’m sure you won’t disappoint me, Olivia,” he said. He hadn’t mentioned Brax at all.
“Lead the way,” he answered. We both rose from the sofa.
“You two bundle up good,” Mom said, and she smiled at Brax. “You might be used to Boston weather, sweetie, but this is about as cold as I’ve seen it get in Texas.”
Brax flashed my mom his famous smile. “Yes, ma’am.”
Mom shook her head, a slight grin tipping her mouth, and turned back to the stove to make tea.
In the foyer, we both pulled on knit hats, scarves, and jackets, and headed outside into the chilled night air. The yard lamp cast an amber hue over the porch, and we started down the steps. Our breath frosted and billowed out before us on each exhale as we walked the path to the barn. My hands dug deep into my coat pockets, seeking warmth. Brax walked close, his arm around my shoulder. I wanted to just melt into him. Forget everything that had happened before now. Because compared to losing Jilly, it was … I don’t know. It seemed stupid. Immature. Not worth the worry. Right? I mean, Brax was here, with me now. He didn’t have to be. He didn’t have to even offer. But he had. Question was, could I ever trust him again? Would it always be a thorn in my gut, digging away at me?
“Gracie,” he started. He was quiet then, and I looked up. His eyes were on mine, and he struggled with his words. “I want to tell you the whole story. Everything. But,” he glanced up, toward the sky. “I don’t want you to think that’s the reason I came here.” He stopped us both, grasped my shoulders, and looked down at me. “It’s not. At all.”
Sincerity shined in the reflection of light in his eyes. “I believe you.” To my surprise, I did, too.
Relief passed over his gaze, and he nodded and we started up the path. I watched the earth pass beneath my boots as we walked. “But only if you want to tell it.”
“I do.” He drew in a long breath, exhaled. “There are things you need to know.”
I guided us off the path and turned toward the barn’s side entrance. “Let’s go sit in the loft,” I offered, and a fond memory passed through me. “Jilly always knew to look here if he couldn’t find me. It’s my thinking spot.”
I let us in the side entrance, and the familiar scent of hay and horse and sweet feed swept over me. A couple of horses whinnied at our presence, and I led us to the ladder at the far end. I climbed up first, Brax right behind me. In the loft, I crossed the wooden floor to the swing door, unbolted it, and pushed it open. When I sat and dangled my legs out over the ledge, Brax did the same. We were still and silent for a few moments, staring out across Beaumont land in the darkness. Stars littered the clear November sky.
He turned where he sat, looked me square in the eye. “I chose you for the dare, Gracie. The second I saw you walking across the lawn, I knew it had to be you.”
27. Conflicted
My heart plummeted at Brax’s confession. I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know where to look. I wanted honesty? Well, he was giving it to me, double-barrels. I stared at my hands, laced my fingers. I said nothing, just waited for him to continue.
“All those rumors about me, Gracie? They were true.” He looked out over the field, and I slid a glance at his profile. Strong. Handsome. Perfect. “Getting women to fall for me? It was like a drug. The chase, an adrenaline rush.” He looked at me then, and shadows obscured half of his face. “When I first laid eyes on you? In that hat, and those boots? Carrying that box across the grass?” He shook his head, but kept his gaze on mine. “I thought it was just another game. Another chase.” The muscles flexed in his jaws. “You suckerpunched me, Gracie. Never been hit so hard in my whole life.” He brushed his knuckles over my cheek. “You’re just so damn different.”
Butterflies churned in my stomach, and I found I couldn’t look away. Still, I kept silent.
Brax dropped his hand. “The night we were together, someone got me on their iPhone leaving your dorm. At first, I denied everything. They wouldn’t go for it. Then I tried to convince the guys to drop the dare, or drop you from it.” He let out a short laugh, sarcastic, angry. “When words didn’t work, I used my fists. That didn’t work, either. Egged them on, actually.” He looked at me. “They wouldn’t leave it alone. You fascinated them almost as much as you did me. And that ring?” He brushed his fingers over where that slight silver ring used to rest. “It just made the dare that much more exciting. And the more of a big deal I made of it, the worse they got.” His gaze moved to the sky. “Evans got word to the Kappas that you weren’t a virgin after all. I got to thinking that it’d all die down after the Blitz. Figured they’d grow the f**k up and move on. Evans didn’t help matters. He prodded. Made it flame.” The crystal stare moved back to me. “Then you showed up at the Blitz.” He again shook his head, and his breath frosted out in a puff of white. “Cory found out you were there and I’d tried to get to you before they announced everything. Christ, I’d never felt so shitty in my entire life. And I lost it.” A look of raw emotion flashed over his eyes. “I realized long before that night, at what you really, truly meant—” He sighed. “Mean to me, Gracie. When you drove away with Hicks?” He blew out another gusty sigh. “Ate me alive. And I’m sorry for not only starting the whole f**king dare thing,” he laced his fingers through mine, “but for not stopping it. The last thing in this world I’d ever want to do is hurt you.”
Thoughts ran cross-road style in my head as I tried to process everything Brax told me. I knew he meant them—I could see the sincerity in his eyes. He was being honest. Yet something held me back. I couldn’t put a finger on it, and it infuriated me.
“The morning I left you? Christ, you were lying there, so f**king peaceful, with your hair all around you. You made it hard for me to breathe, Gracie. It was the hardest f**king thing I’d ever done in my life, leaving you there alone.” He looked away, struggling for words, then stared back at me. “I had no idea when I left that I wasn’t coming back to you.”
My insides froze. “What do you mean?”
Brax let out a harsh breath. “Cory called me. Said Evans was drunk as all holy f**k yelling outside the Kappa house.” His eyes hardened. “About you and some video he had.” The muscles tightened in Brax’s jaw. “I slipped out of your room and hauled ass over there, ready to put a stop to the whole f**king thing. Sure enough, Evans was there, letting everything he knew about you out.” A sadistic curve settled over his mouth. “I beat the f**k out of him that morning, Gracie. If Cory hadn’t pulled me off, I might have killed him.”
My heart seized, and I shivered. I’d known there were cellular videos of me acting stupid at that party with Kelsy. “What happened?”
Brax stared straight ahead for a few seconds before turning a full gaze on me. “Evans’ father happened.”
Icy fingers of dread clutched at me. “What?”
“One of Evans’ dick buddies had called his father before I’d even shown up. Said his boy was in trouble. He, uh,” he scrubbed his jaw. “He brought a few thugs of his own. Pulled me off Kelsy and beat me pretty good.” Brax looked at me. “He told me it’d be in your best interest if I left you alone. Stayed away from Kelsy. That with the pictures and video he had of you, he could make sure your life at Winston would be pure hell.” He looked out of the loft. “He said he even knew a few people on the scholarship board. Said if I didn’t leave his boy alone he could make you look real bad. And after what he’d already done to you and your family, I f**king believed him.”
Words escaped me, and it grew harder and harder to breathe. “Oh my … God.”
Brax traced my jaw with his thumb, and his eyes, filled with worry and pain, sought mine. “I knew I couldn’t chance it. Risk you getting hurt, in any way. So I left.” He sighed. “Then, the more I dwelled on it, the more the selfish part of me kicked in. I thought we could handle whatever trash shit Evans threw at us together. I couldn’t stay away from you. I missed you so f**king bad, it hurt. And I wanted to explain what had happened.” He shook his head. “Maybe even go to the cops or something. I just couldn’t let you keep on thinking I was a soulless prick who took advantage of you.”
I let a long, pent up breath slowly release from my lungs. “I believe you,” I finally answered. Brax’s eyes remained guarded, though, never leaving mine. I exhaled, fought back tears as my own realization flashed before me. “But, Brax,” and at that moment, fear crossed his gaze, and I hated it. “I gave you my complete trust. After everything I’d gone through with Kelsy my senior year, I overcame it all by believing in you. What we shared that night? It meant way more to me than you can imagine.” I stared at him. “And I gave it to you. Willingly. I didn’t think that would ever happen. When you broke it off?” The too-recent memory crowded me. “God, it hurt. Hurt so bad, Brax.”
“It was not casual to me, either, Gracie, please,” Brax insisted. “Far from it. It was so goddamn real, it scared the hell out of me. I’d never experienced anything like it. Like you.” He lifted our joined hands to his lips, brushed a cold kiss over my knuckles, and my heart plummeted once more. “I’m sorry for letting you think, even for a second, that what we had wasn’t real. I’m sorry for letting Evans and his father convince me into breaking it off with you, instead of telling you what had happened. It was stupid. A f**king mistake. And I’m asking for another chance.”
My brain and my heart tangled. I wanted to trust him fully; believe in him. Part of me did, one hundred percent. But that other part had doubts, and not all were caused by Brax’s betrayal. It was residual, a dirty sheen of self-doubt left over from my days with Kelsy. I knew then if Brax and I were meant to be, we would be. But I didn’t want to go into that relationship half-cocked. I wanted no doubts. No second guessing.
Jilly’s dying words rang in my ears. Make sure you come first, above all else.
I forced bravery into my stare, and it was a hard thing to accomplish. It’d be so easy to just say okay. To deal with my own doubts. But I couldn’t. I’d promised Jilly. “I just can’t give it to you right now, Brax. I just … need time. To sort things through.”
The pain in his eyes rocked me, and he nodded, looked away. “All right.” His voice was hoarse. “That’s fair. I can give you time.” He squeezed my hand, but didn’t look at me.
He didn’t understand, though. I knew he didn’t. I barely understood myself. And I wasn’t going to fill his head with a load of crap, with explanations and empty reasons why I couldn’t just give him another chance. “Thank you for being here for me during all this. It meant a lot to me. To my family.”
Again he nodded, and this time he looked at me. The hurt in his eyes almost unraveled me. “You have a great family, Gracie. I’m glad I got to meet them. Jilly especially.”
The thought crossed my mind about Jilly’s private meeting with Brax. “What did he say to you?”
A somber smile touched Brax’s mouth, and he let me hand go. “Sorry, Sunshine. That one stays with me. For now.”
We stayed at the ranch for two more days and helped Mom, Seth, Kyle and Jace with, well, everything. Brax was up at the crack of dawn each day, chopping wood, helping feed the horses, and he even helped Mom give a few vaccinations. He was still charming, miraculously watched his Boston potty mouth, but a change had come over him, ever since that night of confessions in the loft. Ever since I’d denied him a second chance. He kept his distance, for the most part. There beside me, yet not really. I chose not to share with my family what had transpired between Brax and Mr. Evans. My mom and brothers had suffered enough my senior year. I wouldn’t drag all that hell back up and them through it.
When we left the ranch, Brax hugged my mother goodbye, shook my brothers’ hands. No one suspected that I’d just hurt him. At least, I didn’t think they did. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him. My heart had begged me to change my mind. But my brain had decided not to ever be stupid again. And I’d listened.
The ride home wasn’t completely uncomfortable. There was no hand holding, no random brush of Brax’s knuckles against my skin, and no in-depth stares from eyes that no doubt would always haunt me. When we reached my dorm, he parked my truck, and walked me to the door. There he surprised me, and even with girls going in and out of the dorm, he kissed me on the cheek, and then said goodbye.
As I watched him jog across the parking lot and out of sight, my heart sank. I’d made this choice, this smart, highly intelligent decision of self-preservation. I had no idea what the future held as far as Brax and I were concerned; I only had control over myself. And it was there, standing in the lobby of Oliver Hall, that I decided not to waste a single second trying to decipher my own decisions, and whether they’d been the right ones. I had a semester to finish. Not just finish, but excel at. After all that had happened—Mr. Evans’ threat to destroy my life at Winston, my broken heart, and Jilly’s unexpected death—I had a lot of ground to cover.
The first week of December flew by. True to his word, Brax had somehow managed to convince Professor Callander to give me my job back at the observatory. Noah had been waiting for me in astronomy and gave me the good news. And when I’d shown up at work that afternoon, and thanked the professor, he just looked at me with those gentle brown eyes, and nodded. “I’m sure you won’t disappoint me, Olivia,” he said. He hadn’t mentioned Brax at all.
