Summer Nights
Page 35
He was an honorable man. A man who took care of his own. In his world, if a man got a woman pregnant, he married her. He would be her husband and the baby’s father and for the rest of his life, he would believe he’d been tricked into all of it.
It was as if everything she’d wanted, everything she’d dreamed of having, had been resting right there on the palm of her hand. All she had to do was close her fingers and she would have it forever.
She couldn’t even hate him, she thought, resigned to the inevitable. Because she loved his honor as much as she loved everything else about him. But forever duty wasn’t forever love. And she’d promised herself she was never going to settle again.
She was grateful to be in the bed because right now there was no way she could stay standing. Her legs felt weak and she hurt. Not just from the fall, but from the inside. Where her heart had already started to crack.
“While that’s a lovely invitation,” she told him, “thank you, but no. We won’t be getting married.”
“You’re having my baby.”
“That’s true. But one has nothing to do with the other.”
His mouth twisted. “You’re going to make me beg?”
“I’m not going to make you do anything, Shane. Yes, I’m pregnant. Obviously it’s yours. But that is the only relevant information on the table. I’m sorry Dr. Galloway was the one to tell you. I came out to the ranch this morning to talk to you myself. You were gone, so I took Khatar out. My plan was to tell you when you came back. This is what happened instead.” She kept her gaze steady. “Marriage is not on the table.”
His expression tightened. “You’re making this a game.”
“I’m not. I’m telling you that I didn’t deliberately get pregnant to trap you. I’m not that person.”
“You’re going to have the baby on your own?”
“Yes. I can do that. I can do a lot of things. I’m very capable.”
“And I just walk away?”
“You’ll do what you want,” she told him flatly. “The baby is a long way off. We have time to come up with a plan if you’re interested in shared custody or being a part of the child’s life. But understand this. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship based on assumptions and dreams rather than love and reality and I won’t be part of that again. I won’t live a lie.”
She willed him to see she was telling the truth. “Believe me when I tell you I won’t marry you, Shane. I won’t marry you because it’s the right thing to do or because of your sense of responsibility. That’s your problem, not mine. I want someone who loves me and needs to spend the rest of his life with me. I want a man to adore me the way Khatar does. I want messy, passionate love. I don’t care if it’s inconvenient. I want it all and I deserve it. What I don’t deserve is a man who has once again been caught in a situation that leaves him feeling trapped.”
Her throat tightened and her eyes began to burn. Tears were not far away and she didn’t want Shane to see her break down.
She swallowed. “You should go now.”
“We’re not done talking about this,” he told her.
“You’re wrong. About me and this situation. We’re completely and totally done.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHARLIE HELD HER CLOSE. Annabelle let her friend tell her everything was going to be okay, then sniffed and straightened.
“You know I don’t believe you,” she said, as she grabbed another tissue and wiped her face. “About any of it.”
Charlie looked stricken. “I know. I can’t help saying everything will be fine. What I’m thinking is Shane is a complete jerk and I should run him over with a fire truck.”
“Don’t. You’d go to jail and then I’d really be alone.” Annabelle gave a strangled sob. “How selfish is that?”
“It’s not. I appreciate you missing me.”
Annabelle nodded as more tears fell. “I would. You’re a good friend. I think you should brace yourself. I’m going to be a little needy for the next few months.”
“I’ll be here. I don’t scare that easily.”
“Are you mad about the baby?”
Charlie frowned. “Mad? Why would I be mad?”
“Because you’ve been talking to Dakota and Pia about IVF and maybe adopting and here I go and get pregnant.”
Charlie hugged her again. Strong arms held her tight, then released her. “That’s twisted, even for you. It’s not like there’s a limited number of babies and you took the last one. I can still have one, too. Or an older child. I haven’t decided. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Thank you.” She pressed a hand to her chest. “I can’t tell you how much this hurts. All of it. Losing Shane, finding out he doesn’t believe in me, that in his mind, I’m still like his ex. How can that be?”
“You know it’s not about you, right?”
“What? Of course it’s about me.”
“No,” Charlie told her. “This is about Shane and his inability to trust. The pregnancy is a simple and easy way for him to express his deepest fears. It’s kind of good it happened sooner rather than later. Either he’d deal or he wouldn’t. And if he doesn’t…” She pressed her lips together. “Sorry. Sometimes I get too logical.”
Annabelle touched her hand. “You’re being a good friend and I appreciate that. You’re right. I don’t want to hear it, but I know you’re making sense. If Shane can’t get over Rachel, I need to know that.”
“Whatever happens, you’re going to be a mom.”
Annabelle managed a watery smile. “I’m happy about that.” She reached for more tissue. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Would you not tell anyone about this for a while? I know I’ll be smothered in sympathy and right now I can’t deal with that.”
“Of course. Whenever you’re ready. We’ll invite the girls in and—” She scrunched her nose. “I guess we won’t be doing the margarita thing, what with you having a baby.”
“I picked a bad time to figure out the man I desperately love isn’t in love with me, huh?”
“There’s never a good time for that.”
* * *
SHANE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT the hell he was supposed to do now.
He still had plenty of work. Talking to the trainers working with his racehorses, keeping tabs on the mares, working with Khatar and planning the next step in his breeding program. Work he liked. Work that satisfied him. There was the construction on his land and the constant stream of questions. His family. He was a busy guy with a lot of responsibility. None of which kept him from thinking about Annabelle.
He hadn’t seen her in seventy-two hours. Long hours that were empty and made him ache. He hadn’t realized how much he was used to having her around until she was gone. The righteous anger that had taken over at the hospital had faded, leaving only confusion. Because he was a man at war…with himself.
His gut and his head said Annabelle was a woman he could believe. That she would never hurt him, never trick him. But his heart—his heart remembered and was slow to trust again.
He wasn’t dealing with the idea of a baby at all. He couldn’t. Not until he’d figured out what he was going to do about Annabelle. From where he was standing, he either believed her or he didn’t. There was trust or not.
Annabelle loved kids. He’d seen her with them, both at the library and here at the ranch. She inspired them such that they offered her all the money they had to help bring a bookmobile to Fool’s Gold. Because she’d shown them that reading was a gift. A key to worlds beyond their imagination.
He’d also seen her with Khatar. One rule on any ranch was when a person couldn’t get along with horses or dogs, he or she wasn’t worth having around. The difficult Arabian had become a gentle, easy mount because of Annabelle. He was still the brave leader of the herd—his desire to protect Annabelle had proven that. But whatever had caused him to be vicious was gone. Just last week, he’d slipped out of his corral to be with the girls during their lesson. He’d walked around with them, the fifth horse in the procession, following the steps perfectly.
Annabelle had given herself in so many ways. Helping Heidi with the wedding, offering to take care of the goats. She’d helped him with his house. She’d been a good friend and a generous lover. She put herself on the line—personally, professionally, sexually. When Lewis had shown up, she’d been completely honest about what had happened.
He missed her. Seeing her, talking to her, touching her. He’d wanted to call, to check on her, but hadn’t been able to make himself pick up the phone. Last night at dinner, Heidi had mentioned she was completely recovered and he’d been relieved.
A familiar car drove into the yard and parked by the barn. Shane took a step toward the vehicle, both surprised and gratified she’d shown up. They were supposed to have one more practice before the parade on Saturday. He wasn’t sure he would see her, or even if it was okay for her to ride.
He hurried toward her, needing to hear her voice. Even if all she did was to tell him to stay the hell away from her. Then the passenger door opened and Charlie got out. The other woman’s expression was hard and determined. Obviously Annabelle had told her friend everything. Charlie wasn’t here to watch the practice, she was going to act as a buffer. To make sure Shane didn’t hurt Annabelle anymore.
Then it didn’t matter because Annabelle was walking toward him and she was all he could see. She wore jeans and boots, and a T-shirt that teased “Research This!” She was all curves and sex appeal. A thinking man’s perfect 10.
Except the smile he adored was missing and her eyes were sad. She looked as if she’d lost a part of herself, as if something precious had been stolen. Pain twisted in his belly when he realized he was the thief in question.
“I want to run through the steps one more time,” she told him. “Charlie will be with me, so you don’t have to stay.”
A dismissal, which he deserved, he told himself. “Are you all right?” he asked. “Are you feeling well enough to ride?”
She shrugged. “I’m still sore, but it’s not bad. I saw my doctor yesterday and she cleared me to practice and ride in the parade. We do everything at a walk, so that’s safe. I’ll hang on with both hands for the big finish. It’s fine. Khatar would never hurt me.”
The last words were spoken with a defiant lift of her chin.
“I know he wouldn’t,” he told her, then glanced past her to where Charlie stood guard. “Can I talk to you later?”
“Sure. Maybe after the parade.”
He wanted to tell her he was sorry he’d hurt her, but knew the words were feeble and insulting. Not meaning to hurt her didn’t make the pain any better.
Khatar came trotting around the barn. Shane wasn’t even surprised.
“I’ll get him saddled,” he said.
“That’s okay. Charlie can do it. Khatar likes her, too.”
Then Annabelle deliberately turned her back on him and walked to the horse. Shane watched her go and knew that he’d just lost something important. Something he could never replace.
Not knowing what else to do, he started for the house. As he walked up the stairs to the back porch, Clay stepped out of the house.
“Is Annabelle here?” his brother asked. “She called and wanted to know if I could practice with her. For the ceremony on Saturday.”
Clay kept talking, but Shane was too busy charging him to listen. He bent at the waist and slammed his shoulder hard into his brother’s midsection. Momentum drove them back.
Shane straightened, already swinging. Clay dodged both fists, slapping Shane’s arm away when he got too close. Shane knew his brother was holding back and it pissed him off.
“Fight back,” he demanded.
“Not happening. You do remember I’ve been studying martial arts for ten years, right? If I hit you, I’m going to break something.”
“Cheap talk,” Shane growled.
Without warning, Clay’s booted left foot shoved against Shane’s middle. The power of the push had Shane falling to the porch and sliding a few feet backward. Before he could figure out what was happening, Clay was on top of him, one fist lightly pressing against his chest, the other threatening to cut off air at his throat.
“Want to see the black belt?” Clay asked coolly.
Shane was still busy trying to get air into his lungs from the kick. Clay drew back, grabbed a hand and pulled Shane into a sitting position. Then he dropped down to the porch and stared at his brother.
“You’re not mad at me,” Clay said. “You’re mad at yourself. Because you’re a jackass.”
Shane concentrated on breathing. It was easier than facing the truth.
“She cares about you,” Clay continued. “We can all see it. What’s stopping you? Rachel? How long are you going to let her keep winning?”
His brother’s words sank in. Shane knew he was right about everything. It was easier to worry that Annabelle was like his ex-wife than to face the truth.
That he’d fallen in love with her and that scared the hell out of him.
“I’ve screwed up everything.” Shane stared at his brother. “What if I’ve lost her?”
“You haven’t lost her.”
“You can’t know that.”
It was as if everything she’d wanted, everything she’d dreamed of having, had been resting right there on the palm of her hand. All she had to do was close her fingers and she would have it forever.
She couldn’t even hate him, she thought, resigned to the inevitable. Because she loved his honor as much as she loved everything else about him. But forever duty wasn’t forever love. And she’d promised herself she was never going to settle again.
She was grateful to be in the bed because right now there was no way she could stay standing. Her legs felt weak and she hurt. Not just from the fall, but from the inside. Where her heart had already started to crack.
“While that’s a lovely invitation,” she told him, “thank you, but no. We won’t be getting married.”
“You’re having my baby.”
“That’s true. But one has nothing to do with the other.”
His mouth twisted. “You’re going to make me beg?”
“I’m not going to make you do anything, Shane. Yes, I’m pregnant. Obviously it’s yours. But that is the only relevant information on the table. I’m sorry Dr. Galloway was the one to tell you. I came out to the ranch this morning to talk to you myself. You were gone, so I took Khatar out. My plan was to tell you when you came back. This is what happened instead.” She kept her gaze steady. “Marriage is not on the table.”
His expression tightened. “You’re making this a game.”
“I’m not. I’m telling you that I didn’t deliberately get pregnant to trap you. I’m not that person.”
“You’re going to have the baby on your own?”
“Yes. I can do that. I can do a lot of things. I’m very capable.”
“And I just walk away?”
“You’ll do what you want,” she told him flatly. “The baby is a long way off. We have time to come up with a plan if you’re interested in shared custody or being a part of the child’s life. But understand this. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship based on assumptions and dreams rather than love and reality and I won’t be part of that again. I won’t live a lie.”
She willed him to see she was telling the truth. “Believe me when I tell you I won’t marry you, Shane. I won’t marry you because it’s the right thing to do or because of your sense of responsibility. That’s your problem, not mine. I want someone who loves me and needs to spend the rest of his life with me. I want a man to adore me the way Khatar does. I want messy, passionate love. I don’t care if it’s inconvenient. I want it all and I deserve it. What I don’t deserve is a man who has once again been caught in a situation that leaves him feeling trapped.”
Her throat tightened and her eyes began to burn. Tears were not far away and she didn’t want Shane to see her break down.
She swallowed. “You should go now.”
“We’re not done talking about this,” he told her.
“You’re wrong. About me and this situation. We’re completely and totally done.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHARLIE HELD HER CLOSE. Annabelle let her friend tell her everything was going to be okay, then sniffed and straightened.
“You know I don’t believe you,” she said, as she grabbed another tissue and wiped her face. “About any of it.”
Charlie looked stricken. “I know. I can’t help saying everything will be fine. What I’m thinking is Shane is a complete jerk and I should run him over with a fire truck.”
“Don’t. You’d go to jail and then I’d really be alone.” Annabelle gave a strangled sob. “How selfish is that?”
“It’s not. I appreciate you missing me.”
Annabelle nodded as more tears fell. “I would. You’re a good friend. I think you should brace yourself. I’m going to be a little needy for the next few months.”
“I’ll be here. I don’t scare that easily.”
“Are you mad about the baby?”
Charlie frowned. “Mad? Why would I be mad?”
“Because you’ve been talking to Dakota and Pia about IVF and maybe adopting and here I go and get pregnant.”
Charlie hugged her again. Strong arms held her tight, then released her. “That’s twisted, even for you. It’s not like there’s a limited number of babies and you took the last one. I can still have one, too. Or an older child. I haven’t decided. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Thank you.” She pressed a hand to her chest. “I can’t tell you how much this hurts. All of it. Losing Shane, finding out he doesn’t believe in me, that in his mind, I’m still like his ex. How can that be?”
“You know it’s not about you, right?”
“What? Of course it’s about me.”
“No,” Charlie told her. “This is about Shane and his inability to trust. The pregnancy is a simple and easy way for him to express his deepest fears. It’s kind of good it happened sooner rather than later. Either he’d deal or he wouldn’t. And if he doesn’t…” She pressed her lips together. “Sorry. Sometimes I get too logical.”
Annabelle touched her hand. “You’re being a good friend and I appreciate that. You’re right. I don’t want to hear it, but I know you’re making sense. If Shane can’t get over Rachel, I need to know that.”
“Whatever happens, you’re going to be a mom.”
Annabelle managed a watery smile. “I’m happy about that.” She reached for more tissue. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Would you not tell anyone about this for a while? I know I’ll be smothered in sympathy and right now I can’t deal with that.”
“Of course. Whenever you’re ready. We’ll invite the girls in and—” She scrunched her nose. “I guess we won’t be doing the margarita thing, what with you having a baby.”
“I picked a bad time to figure out the man I desperately love isn’t in love with me, huh?”
“There’s never a good time for that.”
* * *
SHANE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT the hell he was supposed to do now.
He still had plenty of work. Talking to the trainers working with his racehorses, keeping tabs on the mares, working with Khatar and planning the next step in his breeding program. Work he liked. Work that satisfied him. There was the construction on his land and the constant stream of questions. His family. He was a busy guy with a lot of responsibility. None of which kept him from thinking about Annabelle.
He hadn’t seen her in seventy-two hours. Long hours that were empty and made him ache. He hadn’t realized how much he was used to having her around until she was gone. The righteous anger that had taken over at the hospital had faded, leaving only confusion. Because he was a man at war…with himself.
His gut and his head said Annabelle was a woman he could believe. That she would never hurt him, never trick him. But his heart—his heart remembered and was slow to trust again.
He wasn’t dealing with the idea of a baby at all. He couldn’t. Not until he’d figured out what he was going to do about Annabelle. From where he was standing, he either believed her or he didn’t. There was trust or not.
Annabelle loved kids. He’d seen her with them, both at the library and here at the ranch. She inspired them such that they offered her all the money they had to help bring a bookmobile to Fool’s Gold. Because she’d shown them that reading was a gift. A key to worlds beyond their imagination.
He’d also seen her with Khatar. One rule on any ranch was when a person couldn’t get along with horses or dogs, he or she wasn’t worth having around. The difficult Arabian had become a gentle, easy mount because of Annabelle. He was still the brave leader of the herd—his desire to protect Annabelle had proven that. But whatever had caused him to be vicious was gone. Just last week, he’d slipped out of his corral to be with the girls during their lesson. He’d walked around with them, the fifth horse in the procession, following the steps perfectly.
Annabelle had given herself in so many ways. Helping Heidi with the wedding, offering to take care of the goats. She’d helped him with his house. She’d been a good friend and a generous lover. She put herself on the line—personally, professionally, sexually. When Lewis had shown up, she’d been completely honest about what had happened.
He missed her. Seeing her, talking to her, touching her. He’d wanted to call, to check on her, but hadn’t been able to make himself pick up the phone. Last night at dinner, Heidi had mentioned she was completely recovered and he’d been relieved.
A familiar car drove into the yard and parked by the barn. Shane took a step toward the vehicle, both surprised and gratified she’d shown up. They were supposed to have one more practice before the parade on Saturday. He wasn’t sure he would see her, or even if it was okay for her to ride.
He hurried toward her, needing to hear her voice. Even if all she did was to tell him to stay the hell away from her. Then the passenger door opened and Charlie got out. The other woman’s expression was hard and determined. Obviously Annabelle had told her friend everything. Charlie wasn’t here to watch the practice, she was going to act as a buffer. To make sure Shane didn’t hurt Annabelle anymore.
Then it didn’t matter because Annabelle was walking toward him and she was all he could see. She wore jeans and boots, and a T-shirt that teased “Research This!” She was all curves and sex appeal. A thinking man’s perfect 10.
Except the smile he adored was missing and her eyes were sad. She looked as if she’d lost a part of herself, as if something precious had been stolen. Pain twisted in his belly when he realized he was the thief in question.
“I want to run through the steps one more time,” she told him. “Charlie will be with me, so you don’t have to stay.”
A dismissal, which he deserved, he told himself. “Are you all right?” he asked. “Are you feeling well enough to ride?”
She shrugged. “I’m still sore, but it’s not bad. I saw my doctor yesterday and she cleared me to practice and ride in the parade. We do everything at a walk, so that’s safe. I’ll hang on with both hands for the big finish. It’s fine. Khatar would never hurt me.”
The last words were spoken with a defiant lift of her chin.
“I know he wouldn’t,” he told her, then glanced past her to where Charlie stood guard. “Can I talk to you later?”
“Sure. Maybe after the parade.”
He wanted to tell her he was sorry he’d hurt her, but knew the words were feeble and insulting. Not meaning to hurt her didn’t make the pain any better.
Khatar came trotting around the barn. Shane wasn’t even surprised.
“I’ll get him saddled,” he said.
“That’s okay. Charlie can do it. Khatar likes her, too.”
Then Annabelle deliberately turned her back on him and walked to the horse. Shane watched her go and knew that he’d just lost something important. Something he could never replace.
Not knowing what else to do, he started for the house. As he walked up the stairs to the back porch, Clay stepped out of the house.
“Is Annabelle here?” his brother asked. “She called and wanted to know if I could practice with her. For the ceremony on Saturday.”
Clay kept talking, but Shane was too busy charging him to listen. He bent at the waist and slammed his shoulder hard into his brother’s midsection. Momentum drove them back.
Shane straightened, already swinging. Clay dodged both fists, slapping Shane’s arm away when he got too close. Shane knew his brother was holding back and it pissed him off.
“Fight back,” he demanded.
“Not happening. You do remember I’ve been studying martial arts for ten years, right? If I hit you, I’m going to break something.”
“Cheap talk,” Shane growled.
Without warning, Clay’s booted left foot shoved against Shane’s middle. The power of the push had Shane falling to the porch and sliding a few feet backward. Before he could figure out what was happening, Clay was on top of him, one fist lightly pressing against his chest, the other threatening to cut off air at his throat.
“Want to see the black belt?” Clay asked coolly.
Shane was still busy trying to get air into his lungs from the kick. Clay drew back, grabbed a hand and pulled Shane into a sitting position. Then he dropped down to the porch and stared at his brother.
“You’re not mad at me,” Clay said. “You’re mad at yourself. Because you’re a jackass.”
Shane concentrated on breathing. It was easier than facing the truth.
“She cares about you,” Clay continued. “We can all see it. What’s stopping you? Rachel? How long are you going to let her keep winning?”
His brother’s words sank in. Shane knew he was right about everything. It was easier to worry that Annabelle was like his ex-wife than to face the truth.
That he’d fallen in love with her and that scared the hell out of him.
“I’ve screwed up everything.” Shane stared at his brother. “What if I’ve lost her?”
“You haven’t lost her.”
“You can’t know that.”
