Sweet Dreams
Page 96
“Two kinds of women get under your skin. The ones who do damage, they don’t feel good there but once you’re f**kin’ stupid enough to let them in you got no choice but to take the time it takes to work them out. Then there are the ones who don’t do damage, who feel good there, feed the muscle, the bone, the soul, not rip it or break it or burn it. The ones you don’t wanna work out.”
I righted my head, opened my eyes and looked in his handsome face.
It was then my mind filled with him, with Tate, all things Tate. It filled so full, it felt like my head would explode.
“Never had better.”
“That’s how I know you didn’t give it to that ass**le the way you give it me. You did, no way in hell he’d ever…”
“Three weeks, after f**kin’ you, knowin’ what you taste like, what you feel like, the sounds you make when you come, three weeks I’m on the road and all I got is a couple minutes of your voice on the phone every night. Fuckin’ you, that’s all I can think about, like a teenager, at night in the dark, it’s the only thing in my goddamned head. So I jack off, hopin’ to cut through it, but nothin’ compares to you. Then I know you can’t sleep so I can’t f**kin’ sleep wonderin’ if you’re sleepin’. That shit’s whacked and I come home, f**kin’ beside myself it’s over.
“But Neeta, she’s not like you. She isn’t smart. She doesn’t work hard.”
“So I find this woman, see. High-class, great f**kin’ hair, legs that go forever…”
“So we find out about each other and who we are together. I’m gonna piss you off ‘cause I can be a dick. That’s who I am. And you’re gonna piss me off ‘cause, babe, you got attitude. That’s who you are. And that’s who we’re comin’ out to be together. And I’m all right with that because, with what I had before, even when you’re a bitch, I like it. But when you’re not, it’s a sweetness the like I’ve never tasted.”
“You said you were waitin’ for something special and he took away your chance to figure out that you were carryin’ it with you all this time. You are special, Laurie.”
“… they did it because you go all out to protect beauty like that.”
And last, “Sweet dreams, baby.”
“Jesus, Lauren, baby, what the f**k?” Tate whispered and I realized tears had pooled in my eyes and were sliding down the sides into my hair.
“You like me,” I whispered back and his head gave a small jerk.
“What?” he asked.
“You were right.” I was still whispering, a sob moved up my throat, I swallowed it down but my voice was thick when I kept whispering. “You were right.” I gulped back another sob as I felt more wet trail from my eyes. “I… I’m lost.”
I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I burst into tears and tried to slide out from under him but he held strong.
“Baby,” he muttered.
Without any other way to escape him, I lifted my head and shoved my face into his neck as my arms wrapped around him and I held on tight.
“I’m l… l… lost,” I choked as my body bucked when a powerful sob tore through me.
Suddenly Tate rolled off and I was moving. He went up the bed, pulling me with him, arranging the pillows behind his back and he rested against them, settling me tight to his side. I wrapped an arm around his abs, pressed my forehead into his neck and held on as my body shook with my tears.
One of his arms was wrapped around my waist, the other came across his chest to sift through my hair and he was quiet while he held me as I wept.
This lasted awhile and when it subsided I tilted my head down so my temple was at his collarbone and I saw my bare, tanned legs tangled with his long, jeans-clad ones.
It came to me again. “You said you were waitin’ for something special and he took away your chance to figure out that you were carryin’ it with you all this time. You are special, Laurie.”
“Talk to me,” Tate urged gently.
It was time, it was time to let him in but more, it was time to let me out.
I took in a shuddering breath and my arm gave him a squeeze.
“My first was my college boyfriend,” I whispered. “His name was Matt. He was lovely. When we did it, he took me to a fancy hotel and he’d arranged it so there was a bouquet of red roses by the bed when we got to the room. After he made love to me, he told me he’d love me forever. A year later, he got a job where he had to move to Tennessee and he asked me to go with him. I was young and I couldn’t even think of leaving Indiana, leaving my family. It scared me so I let him go. We tried the long distance thing but it didn’t work. He’s married now to a nice woman named Ellen. They have three kids. He calls me every year on my birthday, though. He never forgets. I call him on his. We talk forever and we laugh like crazy.”
My breath hitched as new tears threatened but I gulped them down and held Tate tighter. In return his arm pulled me closer but he didn’t speak.
“He loved me,” I said softly.
“Yeah,” Tate agreed.
“I think, in a way, he still does,” I went on.
“Yeah,” Tate repeated.
“I don’t know when it happened,” I whispered.
When I said no more, Tate prompted, “What, honey?”
“When he took me away. How he got me. How he did it,” I answered, referring to Brad and when I did Tate’s arm squeezed tight. I shook my head against his chest. “I didn’t even feel it happen. I didn’t know it. I don’t know…” My voice broke, I swallowed again and Tate’s hand still sifting through my hair dropped to my neck and his fingers curled there, giving me a squeeze and I forged on, “I don’t know why I let him.”
“He say shit?” Tate asked and I shook my head against his chest again.
“No, it was just that… just that… he was so convinced he was all that, somehow he convinced me and for him to be all that, I had to be less, not me having to be less, Brad needing to make me less and he just… just… made me feel that way and I just… I…” I pulled in breath and finished, “I just faded away.”
Tate didn’t respond and I lifted up, taking my arm from around his stomach and swiping at my face. Then I turned to him and looked in his eyes.
“I wasn’t running from him hurting me with Hayley,” I told him softly. “That’s not why I got out of Horizon Summit, why I fled my life.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “I lied to Krystal when I asked for that job but I didn’t know it then. I know it now. She was right. I got lost and I was trying to find me.”
I righted my head, opened my eyes and looked in his handsome face.
It was then my mind filled with him, with Tate, all things Tate. It filled so full, it felt like my head would explode.
“Never had better.”
“That’s how I know you didn’t give it to that ass**le the way you give it me. You did, no way in hell he’d ever…”
“Three weeks, after f**kin’ you, knowin’ what you taste like, what you feel like, the sounds you make when you come, three weeks I’m on the road and all I got is a couple minutes of your voice on the phone every night. Fuckin’ you, that’s all I can think about, like a teenager, at night in the dark, it’s the only thing in my goddamned head. So I jack off, hopin’ to cut through it, but nothin’ compares to you. Then I know you can’t sleep so I can’t f**kin’ sleep wonderin’ if you’re sleepin’. That shit’s whacked and I come home, f**kin’ beside myself it’s over.
“But Neeta, she’s not like you. She isn’t smart. She doesn’t work hard.”
“So I find this woman, see. High-class, great f**kin’ hair, legs that go forever…”
“So we find out about each other and who we are together. I’m gonna piss you off ‘cause I can be a dick. That’s who I am. And you’re gonna piss me off ‘cause, babe, you got attitude. That’s who you are. And that’s who we’re comin’ out to be together. And I’m all right with that because, with what I had before, even when you’re a bitch, I like it. But when you’re not, it’s a sweetness the like I’ve never tasted.”
“You said you were waitin’ for something special and he took away your chance to figure out that you were carryin’ it with you all this time. You are special, Laurie.”
“… they did it because you go all out to protect beauty like that.”
And last, “Sweet dreams, baby.”
“Jesus, Lauren, baby, what the f**k?” Tate whispered and I realized tears had pooled in my eyes and were sliding down the sides into my hair.
“You like me,” I whispered back and his head gave a small jerk.
“What?” he asked.
“You were right.” I was still whispering, a sob moved up my throat, I swallowed it down but my voice was thick when I kept whispering. “You were right.” I gulped back another sob as I felt more wet trail from my eyes. “I… I’m lost.”
I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I burst into tears and tried to slide out from under him but he held strong.
“Baby,” he muttered.
Without any other way to escape him, I lifted my head and shoved my face into his neck as my arms wrapped around him and I held on tight.
“I’m l… l… lost,” I choked as my body bucked when a powerful sob tore through me.
Suddenly Tate rolled off and I was moving. He went up the bed, pulling me with him, arranging the pillows behind his back and he rested against them, settling me tight to his side. I wrapped an arm around his abs, pressed my forehead into his neck and held on as my body shook with my tears.
One of his arms was wrapped around my waist, the other came across his chest to sift through my hair and he was quiet while he held me as I wept.
This lasted awhile and when it subsided I tilted my head down so my temple was at his collarbone and I saw my bare, tanned legs tangled with his long, jeans-clad ones.
It came to me again. “You said you were waitin’ for something special and he took away your chance to figure out that you were carryin’ it with you all this time. You are special, Laurie.”
“Talk to me,” Tate urged gently.
It was time, it was time to let him in but more, it was time to let me out.
I took in a shuddering breath and my arm gave him a squeeze.
“My first was my college boyfriend,” I whispered. “His name was Matt. He was lovely. When we did it, he took me to a fancy hotel and he’d arranged it so there was a bouquet of red roses by the bed when we got to the room. After he made love to me, he told me he’d love me forever. A year later, he got a job where he had to move to Tennessee and he asked me to go with him. I was young and I couldn’t even think of leaving Indiana, leaving my family. It scared me so I let him go. We tried the long distance thing but it didn’t work. He’s married now to a nice woman named Ellen. They have three kids. He calls me every year on my birthday, though. He never forgets. I call him on his. We talk forever and we laugh like crazy.”
My breath hitched as new tears threatened but I gulped them down and held Tate tighter. In return his arm pulled me closer but he didn’t speak.
“He loved me,” I said softly.
“Yeah,” Tate agreed.
“I think, in a way, he still does,” I went on.
“Yeah,” Tate repeated.
“I don’t know when it happened,” I whispered.
When I said no more, Tate prompted, “What, honey?”
“When he took me away. How he got me. How he did it,” I answered, referring to Brad and when I did Tate’s arm squeezed tight. I shook my head against his chest. “I didn’t even feel it happen. I didn’t know it. I don’t know…” My voice broke, I swallowed again and Tate’s hand still sifting through my hair dropped to my neck and his fingers curled there, giving me a squeeze and I forged on, “I don’t know why I let him.”
“He say shit?” Tate asked and I shook my head against his chest again.
“No, it was just that… just that… he was so convinced he was all that, somehow he convinced me and for him to be all that, I had to be less, not me having to be less, Brad needing to make me less and he just… just… made me feel that way and I just… I…” I pulled in breath and finished, “I just faded away.”
Tate didn’t respond and I lifted up, taking my arm from around his stomach and swiping at my face. Then I turned to him and looked in his eyes.
“I wasn’t running from him hurting me with Hayley,” I told him softly. “That’s not why I got out of Horizon Summit, why I fled my life.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “I lied to Krystal when I asked for that job but I didn’t know it then. I know it now. She was right. I got lost and I was trying to find me.”
