Sweet Fall
Page 55
At that point, I felt like the worst brother on the planet as I watched Levi’s reaction toward this unfamiliar gesture of comfort. The kid didn’t really know love. He was only seven when Mamma was diagnosed, and I suppose he missed out on seeing Mamma when she would sing and dance with us for hours, distracting us from the messed-up world just outside the trailer door.
By the time Levi was old enough to understand anything, Mamma was almost unable to stand unsupported, and her energy had begun to fade. There was no more singing from Chiara Carillo, former Italian soprano. No more dancing to make us feel alive.
Levi’s reality was harsh; he had no idea what a healthy Mamma was, and he looked at Lexi like she was Mary, Mother of Christ, appearing before him. Like she was the living embodiment of hope. And at that moment, I didn’t see a fourteen-year-old Heighter with a newly awarded stidda below his left eye. I saw a lost little boy who’d had to fight adversity his entire sorry life, knew no other life but heartache, violence, and pain, and had no idea what to do with unconditional affection.
Levi swallowed and, with a shaking hand, lifted his fingers to hold on to Lexi. The scene before me went blurry. It was then I realized tears had filled my eyes as I watched my little brother take comfort in a stranger’s touch.
Hearing a whisper of a sniffle behind me, I turned my head. My heart faltered as I saw my weak and fading mamma in her new wheelchair, sat in the doorway to her bedroom, watching Levi holding on to my Pix with an awed yet terrified expression on his face. Tears were streaming down Mamma’s pale cheeks, but she made no move to wipe them away. I wasn’t sure if she couldn’t muster the energy or whether she was so overcome with emotion that she didn’t even notice she was crying so hard.
Silently walking toward her, Mamma’s dark eyes eventually laid upon me. She was dressed in her long, white sleeveless nightgown, and her hands were shaking from the strain of her sobs.
As I brushed back a sweaty strand of Mamma’s waist-length dark hair from her damp forehead, her attention slammed straight back on to Lexi and Levi over my shoulder, and I heard Lexi ask, “You want a sweet tea, darlin’? Something to eat?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I caught Levi reply, and pride filled my chest at Pix. She was caring for my brother while I got my shit done. Caring for Levi out of the goodness in her heart.
Scooping my Mamma up in my arms, I reached out and took the bag of her meds from the table. As I made my way to her bed, I folded back the sheets and laid her down. Nothing was said between us. And as I walked to the nightstand for Mamma’s glass of water, I risked a glimpse at her face. She was still staring toward the doorway as though she could see through the paper-thin walls.
“Mamma? Take these,” I instructed as I handed my mamma the dissolvable light-orange pain pills. Due to her ALS, her throat didn’t work the same as before, and choking was now a real hazard. She had to take her meds now through IV or under the tongue, and, before long, all food would have to be in liquid form.
Mamma didn’t open her mouth, but instead looked up at me and said, “You bring… your… piccolo folletto… here, to us?”
Sighing, I sat next to Mamma on the bed and smiled the memory of how stubborn Lexi had been when I told her to go home. “I needed to pick up your meds and for that, I needed a car. She had one, but she wouldn’t let me come alone.”
Mamma’s lip twitched in amusement. “Ah, mio caro… she has… stolen your heart.”
I went to argue, oddly feeling like the defense would be a betrayal to my Pix, but Mamma closed her eyes and attempted to shake her head.
“I… do not need… to hear… your answer to… know this… is true.” Her eyelids fluttered open and what looked like happiness shone through and sent shivers all along my skin. “You are my… son… flesh of… my flesh… a part of your… soul… lives… within me.” Mamma weakly lifted her hand and placed it over her heart. “I feel the… change… in you. You are… free… with her…” Mamma took a long, deep breath and added, “It brings… life… a peace to… my heart.”
“Mamma—” I set to speak, but she dropped her hand on mine.
“Tesoro, Austin… Lei è un… tesoro. A blessed… treasure from the heavens… made just for… you…”
Casting a quick look back at the partly open bedroom door, I faced Mamma again and whispered, “She has problems, Mamma. Real bad issues with herself. I like her… a lot—I admit that—but have no idea how to deal with it, with her. If I’m being honest, it scares the shit outta me. It has her in its grip.”
Mamma sighed and looked out the window, deep in thought. She’d been doing that a lot lately, as if she were cherishing the world, committing the view to memory.
“I see her issue, Austin… I am a… woman… I see what… others may not. She sees… no beauty in… herself…”
I dropped my head and felt real fear at that. I didn’t want her to have problems with how she looked.
She’s beautiful.
Mamma cleared her throat, awkwardly leaned forward, and said, “We all have… secrets. Secrets well buried. Until we… find the one soul who… makes the burden… of such… secrets just that little bit… easier to… to… to bear.”
Mamma’s breathing was becoming labored, so I took the pain meds once more and implored her with a stern look to open her mouth. But just before she did, she whispered, “If you love her right… that love… will heal her… but do not… destroy her… mio caro. If you give that love… then take it away, it… will be something she will never get past…”
By the time Levi was old enough to understand anything, Mamma was almost unable to stand unsupported, and her energy had begun to fade. There was no more singing from Chiara Carillo, former Italian soprano. No more dancing to make us feel alive.
Levi’s reality was harsh; he had no idea what a healthy Mamma was, and he looked at Lexi like she was Mary, Mother of Christ, appearing before him. Like she was the living embodiment of hope. And at that moment, I didn’t see a fourteen-year-old Heighter with a newly awarded stidda below his left eye. I saw a lost little boy who’d had to fight adversity his entire sorry life, knew no other life but heartache, violence, and pain, and had no idea what to do with unconditional affection.
Levi swallowed and, with a shaking hand, lifted his fingers to hold on to Lexi. The scene before me went blurry. It was then I realized tears had filled my eyes as I watched my little brother take comfort in a stranger’s touch.
Hearing a whisper of a sniffle behind me, I turned my head. My heart faltered as I saw my weak and fading mamma in her new wheelchair, sat in the doorway to her bedroom, watching Levi holding on to my Pix with an awed yet terrified expression on his face. Tears were streaming down Mamma’s pale cheeks, but she made no move to wipe them away. I wasn’t sure if she couldn’t muster the energy or whether she was so overcome with emotion that she didn’t even notice she was crying so hard.
Silently walking toward her, Mamma’s dark eyes eventually laid upon me. She was dressed in her long, white sleeveless nightgown, and her hands were shaking from the strain of her sobs.
As I brushed back a sweaty strand of Mamma’s waist-length dark hair from her damp forehead, her attention slammed straight back on to Lexi and Levi over my shoulder, and I heard Lexi ask, “You want a sweet tea, darlin’? Something to eat?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I caught Levi reply, and pride filled my chest at Pix. She was caring for my brother while I got my shit done. Caring for Levi out of the goodness in her heart.
Scooping my Mamma up in my arms, I reached out and took the bag of her meds from the table. As I made my way to her bed, I folded back the sheets and laid her down. Nothing was said between us. And as I walked to the nightstand for Mamma’s glass of water, I risked a glimpse at her face. She was still staring toward the doorway as though she could see through the paper-thin walls.
“Mamma? Take these,” I instructed as I handed my mamma the dissolvable light-orange pain pills. Due to her ALS, her throat didn’t work the same as before, and choking was now a real hazard. She had to take her meds now through IV or under the tongue, and, before long, all food would have to be in liquid form.
Mamma didn’t open her mouth, but instead looked up at me and said, “You bring… your… piccolo folletto… here, to us?”
Sighing, I sat next to Mamma on the bed and smiled the memory of how stubborn Lexi had been when I told her to go home. “I needed to pick up your meds and for that, I needed a car. She had one, but she wouldn’t let me come alone.”
Mamma’s lip twitched in amusement. “Ah, mio caro… she has… stolen your heart.”
I went to argue, oddly feeling like the defense would be a betrayal to my Pix, but Mamma closed her eyes and attempted to shake her head.
“I… do not need… to hear… your answer to… know this… is true.” Her eyelids fluttered open and what looked like happiness shone through and sent shivers all along my skin. “You are my… son… flesh of… my flesh… a part of your… soul… lives… within me.” Mamma weakly lifted her hand and placed it over her heart. “I feel the… change… in you. You are… free… with her…” Mamma took a long, deep breath and added, “It brings… life… a peace to… my heart.”
“Mamma—” I set to speak, but she dropped her hand on mine.
“Tesoro, Austin… Lei è un… tesoro. A blessed… treasure from the heavens… made just for… you…”
Casting a quick look back at the partly open bedroom door, I faced Mamma again and whispered, “She has problems, Mamma. Real bad issues with herself. I like her… a lot—I admit that—but have no idea how to deal with it, with her. If I’m being honest, it scares the shit outta me. It has her in its grip.”
Mamma sighed and looked out the window, deep in thought. She’d been doing that a lot lately, as if she were cherishing the world, committing the view to memory.
“I see her issue, Austin… I am a… woman… I see what… others may not. She sees… no beauty in… herself…”
I dropped my head and felt real fear at that. I didn’t want her to have problems with how she looked.
She’s beautiful.
Mamma cleared her throat, awkwardly leaned forward, and said, “We all have… secrets. Secrets well buried. Until we… find the one soul who… makes the burden… of such… secrets just that little bit… easier to… to… to bear.”
Mamma’s breathing was becoming labored, so I took the pain meds once more and implored her with a stern look to open her mouth. But just before she did, she whispered, “If you love her right… that love… will heal her… but do not… destroy her… mio caro. If you give that love… then take it away, it… will be something she will never get past…”
