Sweet Little Memories
Page 28
My hips weren’t wider and my stomach was still flat. I was one week past my expected period. I’d read that it meant I was five weeks pregnant. My body didn’t feel different except for the constant state of horniness. I wasn’t getting sick. I wasn’t having food cravings.
Suddenly, Stone was yelling at someone. I grabbed my jeans and T-shirt and dressed quickly before running to see what was happening. By the time I got the bedroom door open, Stone was yelling again but I couldn’t hear anyone else.
I followed the sound of his voice to the kitchen where he was standing with his phone to hi ear. His face was red and his furious glare was directed at the wall while the person on the other end of the call continued to talk to him. It wasn’t helping. They were only making him angrier.
“How could you?” He grabbed a chair from the kitchen table and hurling it against the wall. There were obvious marks on the wall now and a small dent while the chair lay with a broken leg on the ground. I jumped back unsure if I should try to calm him or move to another room for protection.
“Wills isn’t his son! You crazy ass bitch!!!”
I started to leave the room and to wait in the living room. That caused me to pause. The phone call was about Wills. Hilda had done something. From the sounds of it, that something was terrible.
“I want him!” was his response to whatever was said on the other end.
As he listened his breathing was fast, his face so bent with rage I was nervous. But I didn’t leave the room. I waited for him to finish the call. He was facing yet another obstacle. One that was caused by Wills’ mother.
“Fine,” his voice was eerily calm now—low and cold with zero emotion. His calmness was scarier than the shouting had been. “You do what you need to. Find your happiness. I will finish this.” He ended the call and his phone stayed there tightly in his grasp as he breathed heavily through his nose.
I didn’t move. He didn’t speak and the time ticked by. Although I wanted to go to him and hold him. I wanted to comfort him. I didn’t think would me near him at the moment. He needed space. And that meant from me too.
He hadn’t seen or heard from Wills since last week. He’d tried to call, but the nanny always said Wills was unavailable or not home. Stone didn’t want to push too hard for fear of drawing his father’s attention. As evidenced by his reaction to Hilda’s phone call, today something more had happened. Stone seemed determined and broken at the same time. Whatever Hilda had done it didn’t change that Wills was Stone’s biological son.
“The senator’s wife found out about Hilda. That’s why she came here. Not for Wills. The Senator has begged her to come back and he’s put her up in fucking Malibu. She’s in California. She’s not helping me. Not helping her son. She said it would draw unwanted attention to her that her precious senator doesn’t want. And if I press this further she’s going to give up all rights to Wills. Allow the motherfucker sole custody and she’ll live like a wealthy mistress.”
His voice wasn’t angry now, it was empty. Hollow. His pain was apparent, but it was the lack of any emotion as he said the words that were so haunting. I didn’t believe he was giving up but his words sounded defeated.
“He doesn’t even like her. Wills. He doesn’t like Hilda. He wants to like her. I think he’s conflicted.” Stone laughed hard but there was no humor. “Fucking conflicted about how he feels about his mother and he is six years old. Jesus, he’s gonna be as screwed up as I am. The harder I fight to stop this, the worse it gets. I get a break and then I’m knocked back several feet.”
I didn’t move. I wanted to. God, I wanted to go to him so bad. But I stayed put. He was dealing with it all by talking about it out loud. Telling me was his way of dealing. He hadn’t even looked at me yet. His focus was still on the wall he had damaged in front of him.
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I wasn’t meant to have children. I never wanted them. How the fuck am I expected to be a father to a boy when I have no model to follow? Why didn’t I realize I had zero ability at parenting when I was fifteen years old? Teenage boys should be fucking locked away until they can think with something other than their dicks.”
My heart slowly sank even further as he went on about how he wasn’t meant to be a father. How he couldn’t handle the responsibility. How he would have no idea how to even do it right. He believed everything he was saying. The way the words seemed to lash out and cut him as they came out of his mouth made it very clear he didn’t want them to be true, but he believed they were.
“I am not a father. No kid deserves this.” He pointed at himself. “It’s why I wanted you on birth control. I fucked up a few times, but fate didn’t make the same mistake again with me. Thankfully, we didn’t create a life. I couldn’t deal with that. Especially now.” He looked at me. His eyes were so dark and lost. The heartache he’d lived through since his childhood clear in his blue depths. As he bared his soul to me, shared all the pain, I found a way to keep from shattering. I held myself together and I found strength I didn’t know I possessed as I listened to him.
He didn’t want the life growing inside me. He couldn’t deal with fatherhood. He had called getting pregnant a mistake. He didn’t realize it but he had. And although I disagreed with him. I knew the man he was. I knew he would be an excellent father. What mattered was he didn’t think that. And he didn’t want to be a father. He firmly believed it was impossible for him to be a good parent.
The urge to cover my stomach with both hands to protect the baby from his words was strong, but I resisted. Stone couldn’t know. Mentally, he wasn’t prepared right now. He had Wills to focus on and it was clearly wearing him down. His stress level was at its peak.
And he didn’t want a child, not even with me. My heart was destroyed, but I wouldn’t break. I couldn’t because it wasn’t only me anymore. I had someone besides Heidi that would need me. I would be all this child had. I’d do anything, absolutely anything to make sure my baby was cared for.
Wills didn’t have a mother to do that for him. If Stone didn’t fight for him, no one would. But Stone didn’t want to be a father. He was doing trying to get custody of Wills because he had no choice. This baby, my baby, wouldn’t be a burden. It would be a blessing. What Stone had called a mistake, I would raise to believe they were a special gift from God. Chosen by my mother to complete me and bring me joy. I’d keep my heartache and pain hidden.
Suddenly, Stone was yelling at someone. I grabbed my jeans and T-shirt and dressed quickly before running to see what was happening. By the time I got the bedroom door open, Stone was yelling again but I couldn’t hear anyone else.
I followed the sound of his voice to the kitchen where he was standing with his phone to hi ear. His face was red and his furious glare was directed at the wall while the person on the other end of the call continued to talk to him. It wasn’t helping. They were only making him angrier.
“How could you?” He grabbed a chair from the kitchen table and hurling it against the wall. There were obvious marks on the wall now and a small dent while the chair lay with a broken leg on the ground. I jumped back unsure if I should try to calm him or move to another room for protection.
“Wills isn’t his son! You crazy ass bitch!!!”
I started to leave the room and to wait in the living room. That caused me to pause. The phone call was about Wills. Hilda had done something. From the sounds of it, that something was terrible.
“I want him!” was his response to whatever was said on the other end.
As he listened his breathing was fast, his face so bent with rage I was nervous. But I didn’t leave the room. I waited for him to finish the call. He was facing yet another obstacle. One that was caused by Wills’ mother.
“Fine,” his voice was eerily calm now—low and cold with zero emotion. His calmness was scarier than the shouting had been. “You do what you need to. Find your happiness. I will finish this.” He ended the call and his phone stayed there tightly in his grasp as he breathed heavily through his nose.
I didn’t move. He didn’t speak and the time ticked by. Although I wanted to go to him and hold him. I wanted to comfort him. I didn’t think would me near him at the moment. He needed space. And that meant from me too.
He hadn’t seen or heard from Wills since last week. He’d tried to call, but the nanny always said Wills was unavailable or not home. Stone didn’t want to push too hard for fear of drawing his father’s attention. As evidenced by his reaction to Hilda’s phone call, today something more had happened. Stone seemed determined and broken at the same time. Whatever Hilda had done it didn’t change that Wills was Stone’s biological son.
“The senator’s wife found out about Hilda. That’s why she came here. Not for Wills. The Senator has begged her to come back and he’s put her up in fucking Malibu. She’s in California. She’s not helping me. Not helping her son. She said it would draw unwanted attention to her that her precious senator doesn’t want. And if I press this further she’s going to give up all rights to Wills. Allow the motherfucker sole custody and she’ll live like a wealthy mistress.”
His voice wasn’t angry now, it was empty. Hollow. His pain was apparent, but it was the lack of any emotion as he said the words that were so haunting. I didn’t believe he was giving up but his words sounded defeated.
“He doesn’t even like her. Wills. He doesn’t like Hilda. He wants to like her. I think he’s conflicted.” Stone laughed hard but there was no humor. “Fucking conflicted about how he feels about his mother and he is six years old. Jesus, he’s gonna be as screwed up as I am. The harder I fight to stop this, the worse it gets. I get a break and then I’m knocked back several feet.”
I didn’t move. I wanted to. God, I wanted to go to him so bad. But I stayed put. He was dealing with it all by talking about it out loud. Telling me was his way of dealing. He hadn’t even looked at me yet. His focus was still on the wall he had damaged in front of him.
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I wasn’t meant to have children. I never wanted them. How the fuck am I expected to be a father to a boy when I have no model to follow? Why didn’t I realize I had zero ability at parenting when I was fifteen years old? Teenage boys should be fucking locked away until they can think with something other than their dicks.”
My heart slowly sank even further as he went on about how he wasn’t meant to be a father. How he couldn’t handle the responsibility. How he would have no idea how to even do it right. He believed everything he was saying. The way the words seemed to lash out and cut him as they came out of his mouth made it very clear he didn’t want them to be true, but he believed they were.
“I am not a father. No kid deserves this.” He pointed at himself. “It’s why I wanted you on birth control. I fucked up a few times, but fate didn’t make the same mistake again with me. Thankfully, we didn’t create a life. I couldn’t deal with that. Especially now.” He looked at me. His eyes were so dark and lost. The heartache he’d lived through since his childhood clear in his blue depths. As he bared his soul to me, shared all the pain, I found a way to keep from shattering. I held myself together and I found strength I didn’t know I possessed as I listened to him.
He didn’t want the life growing inside me. He couldn’t deal with fatherhood. He had called getting pregnant a mistake. He didn’t realize it but he had. And although I disagreed with him. I knew the man he was. I knew he would be an excellent father. What mattered was he didn’t think that. And he didn’t want to be a father. He firmly believed it was impossible for him to be a good parent.
The urge to cover my stomach with both hands to protect the baby from his words was strong, but I resisted. Stone couldn’t know. Mentally, he wasn’t prepared right now. He had Wills to focus on and it was clearly wearing him down. His stress level was at its peak.
And he didn’t want a child, not even with me. My heart was destroyed, but I wouldn’t break. I couldn’t because it wasn’t only me anymore. I had someone besides Heidi that would need me. I would be all this child had. I’d do anything, absolutely anything to make sure my baby was cared for.
Wills didn’t have a mother to do that for him. If Stone didn’t fight for him, no one would. But Stone didn’t want to be a father. He was doing trying to get custody of Wills because he had no choice. This baby, my baby, wouldn’t be a burden. It would be a blessing. What Stone had called a mistake, I would raise to believe they were a special gift from God. Chosen by my mother to complete me and bring me joy. I’d keep my heartache and pain hidden.
