Sweet Soul
Page 56
“I know,’ I whispered, watching Levi stare without expression into the lens of the camera. The thought of all that attention terrified me, but looking at him now, my Levi, my treasure, the boy that brought me the moon, I knew I would have to learn to cope, because I couldn’t leave him.
“I’m just going to the washroom,” I said to Stacey. Her face fell and I could see she thought that she had said something wrong. I put my hand on her shoulder. “You haven’t upset me. I’m unfamiliar with all of this. It’ll take me time to get used to it.”
Stacey smiled and I walked to the washroom, thankful that it was empty. I stared at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. “Hello,” I sounded loudly, checking around me to make sure I was still alone. “I’m Elsie,” I added. I winced, hearing my voice bounce off the high walls and sail into my ears.
Embarrassment swarmed all over me, but I forced myself to keep my head high. I forced myself to fight my fears. Stacey hadn’t been bothered. The other girls hadn’t really spoken to me after I did, but they hadn’t said hurtful things.
Maybe it was just Annabelle, just those girls, I thought, and built up my courage to see out the rest of the night.
I opened the door to the small hallway that ran to the foyer where the drinks were being poured. I was about to walk through the room to go and find Levi when I heard a female voice say, “She’s beautiful, I’m not denying that, but her voice? I know it sounds bad, and I know it’s not her fault, but I couldn’t listen to that every day. It’s kind of annoying.”
I stilled, my muscles freezing where I stood. Everything had frozen except my lungs; they worked too hard and too fast.
I closed my eyes trying to convince myself that it wasn’t me they were talking about, that another group weren’t mocking how I sounded. Then I heard it; the imitation, the mimicking of my different vocal tone. “I’m deaf,” one of them mocked; a different girl, but I could hear the monotone of her impression of me.
The cutting impression that pierced my already clawed heart.
“Levi’s shy so it makes sense he’s drawn to her, but he’s Levi Carillo. He’s gorgeous and can have anyone he wants. He won’t stay with her. I doubt he’ll be able to cope with hearing that voice every day. And in bed? What kind of noises must she make?”
Feeling like I was going to be sick, I found my feet pushing forward until I rounded the corner. Just then, another of the girls imitated my voice, the others laughing at her impression. Levi and Stacey walked into the foyer, hearing the sarcastic impression as clear as I could. And Harper, Harper was laughing with tears in her eyes as she clutched her drink in her hand.
All I saw was Annabelle…
“Here she comes, girls! Dumbfuck! Please,” Annabelle taunted, her hands clasped together in a prayer position as she faced me, “don’t speak, save us from the sound! Our ears can’t take it!” The other girls laughed. They laughed and they laughed until my head was swarmed with nothing but their sound. And I couldn’t take it. I was so lonely, and tired and afraid. I couldn’t take it…
I saw Levi come to a stop, pulling me back round from my bad thoughts. I watched as rage overtook his face. Then his eyes drifted to me, standing in the shadows, unable to hide my tears from the one person who knew my heart.
“Shit, Elsie,” he called out. The girls in front of me paled and whipped their heads round to look at me. It was the girls from our table, the ones that had listened to me speak, apparently with patience and kindness. Now they were ripping me apart. Harper stilled with what looked like regret on her face.
“Shit,” one of the girls said and stepped toward me, but I pushed past, needing to get away, needing to get air.
“Elsie!” Levi shouted after me, but I ran.
“You fucking cruel bitches!” I heard Levi snarl. “Who does that to someone? Who fucking hurts someone like that?!” I could hear his anger, his rage—something I’d never heard from him before.
I left it all behind, running out into the night without getting my coat, gripping my bag to my chest. But I didn’t care about the cold. I didn’t care about the rain as I ran into the dark street, turning left and rushing down the sidewalk.
I ignored the people in my path, tears blurring my eyes, and my scars burning under my cuffs—a stark reminder that people could be so cruel. They were so fucking cruel that, at times, I couldn’t understand why some humans were put on this Earth.
Why some people exist to mock and tear down others. What was missing in their hearts to drive them to pick on others, to fire words like fucking bullets—perfect aim, every time?
“Elsie, wait!” I heard shouted, not far behind me, then a hand clamped my arm and pulled me round. Levi’s frantic face was suddenly all I could see, but I was feeling more, feeling every name that had ever been slung my way.
I shook my head, sobs pouring out of my mouth. “Why?” I cried, and shook my head. “Why do people think that’s okay? Why do they have to be so mean? Why does anyone want to make others feel like this?” I banged my hand over my heart and spat, “Like knives are cutting my heart open?”
“Bella mia,” Levi rasped, his gray eyes tormented and lost. “Please, I didn’t know they would do that—”
“I did!” I cut in. “I did.” I ran my hand through my dampening hair. “Because it’s all they’ve ever done. It’s what people do when you’re different. It’s what they do to keep you down, in the place not worthy of them.”
Levi shook his head. “No, Elsie, they’re—”
Before I could finish, I ripped the cuffs off my wrists. I held up my hands, the scars on my wrists facing him. He had to have seen them. The evidence of what I’d done. What I’d done because of people like that.
“This is what people like that can cause! This is what their words can do. This is what happens when people come at you day and night and shred away who you are, or in my case, how you sound. They get you alone and they attack. They attack like fucking vultures, and they pick you apart, piece by agonizing piece until you can’t take it anymore. Until you’d rather be dead than alive, hating the thought of one more day being hunted like verbal prey. Because they leave their voice in your head. They plant it there so, even when they’re not around, you still hear them screaming at you, screaming that you sound horrible. That you’re an embarrassment. That you sound stupid and awful. They tell you to shut up because they can’t stand the sound of your awful voice.”
My body shivered with the cold, rain pouring harder, spoiling my dress. “They imitate, they isolate, then they strike. I never knew it was possible to tear apart a soul, a fucking soul that people can’t even see… but it is,” I whispered, sobbing out the words. “You can’t see it, you can’t physically touch it, but you feel it… you can feel the moment they tear it apart because all that’s left afterwards is darkness and pain. A fucking great empty hole.”
I gasped for breath, my chest raw and sore. I could see people around us, watching me, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t care about people anymore. All they did was trick you into thinking they were nice, until you were vulnerable, then they stole any semblance of hope.
“I’m just going to the washroom,” I said to Stacey. Her face fell and I could see she thought that she had said something wrong. I put my hand on her shoulder. “You haven’t upset me. I’m unfamiliar with all of this. It’ll take me time to get used to it.”
Stacey smiled and I walked to the washroom, thankful that it was empty. I stared at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath. “Hello,” I sounded loudly, checking around me to make sure I was still alone. “I’m Elsie,” I added. I winced, hearing my voice bounce off the high walls and sail into my ears.
Embarrassment swarmed all over me, but I forced myself to keep my head high. I forced myself to fight my fears. Stacey hadn’t been bothered. The other girls hadn’t really spoken to me after I did, but they hadn’t said hurtful things.
Maybe it was just Annabelle, just those girls, I thought, and built up my courage to see out the rest of the night.
I opened the door to the small hallway that ran to the foyer where the drinks were being poured. I was about to walk through the room to go and find Levi when I heard a female voice say, “She’s beautiful, I’m not denying that, but her voice? I know it sounds bad, and I know it’s not her fault, but I couldn’t listen to that every day. It’s kind of annoying.”
I stilled, my muscles freezing where I stood. Everything had frozen except my lungs; they worked too hard and too fast.
I closed my eyes trying to convince myself that it wasn’t me they were talking about, that another group weren’t mocking how I sounded. Then I heard it; the imitation, the mimicking of my different vocal tone. “I’m deaf,” one of them mocked; a different girl, but I could hear the monotone of her impression of me.
The cutting impression that pierced my already clawed heart.
“Levi’s shy so it makes sense he’s drawn to her, but he’s Levi Carillo. He’s gorgeous and can have anyone he wants. He won’t stay with her. I doubt he’ll be able to cope with hearing that voice every day. And in bed? What kind of noises must she make?”
Feeling like I was going to be sick, I found my feet pushing forward until I rounded the corner. Just then, another of the girls imitated my voice, the others laughing at her impression. Levi and Stacey walked into the foyer, hearing the sarcastic impression as clear as I could. And Harper, Harper was laughing with tears in her eyes as she clutched her drink in her hand.
All I saw was Annabelle…
“Here she comes, girls! Dumbfuck! Please,” Annabelle taunted, her hands clasped together in a prayer position as she faced me, “don’t speak, save us from the sound! Our ears can’t take it!” The other girls laughed. They laughed and they laughed until my head was swarmed with nothing but their sound. And I couldn’t take it. I was so lonely, and tired and afraid. I couldn’t take it…
I saw Levi come to a stop, pulling me back round from my bad thoughts. I watched as rage overtook his face. Then his eyes drifted to me, standing in the shadows, unable to hide my tears from the one person who knew my heart.
“Shit, Elsie,” he called out. The girls in front of me paled and whipped their heads round to look at me. It was the girls from our table, the ones that had listened to me speak, apparently with patience and kindness. Now they were ripping me apart. Harper stilled with what looked like regret on her face.
“Shit,” one of the girls said and stepped toward me, but I pushed past, needing to get away, needing to get air.
“Elsie!” Levi shouted after me, but I ran.
“You fucking cruel bitches!” I heard Levi snarl. “Who does that to someone? Who fucking hurts someone like that?!” I could hear his anger, his rage—something I’d never heard from him before.
I left it all behind, running out into the night without getting my coat, gripping my bag to my chest. But I didn’t care about the cold. I didn’t care about the rain as I ran into the dark street, turning left and rushing down the sidewalk.
I ignored the people in my path, tears blurring my eyes, and my scars burning under my cuffs—a stark reminder that people could be so cruel. They were so fucking cruel that, at times, I couldn’t understand why some humans were put on this Earth.
Why some people exist to mock and tear down others. What was missing in their hearts to drive them to pick on others, to fire words like fucking bullets—perfect aim, every time?
“Elsie, wait!” I heard shouted, not far behind me, then a hand clamped my arm and pulled me round. Levi’s frantic face was suddenly all I could see, but I was feeling more, feeling every name that had ever been slung my way.
I shook my head, sobs pouring out of my mouth. “Why?” I cried, and shook my head. “Why do people think that’s okay? Why do they have to be so mean? Why does anyone want to make others feel like this?” I banged my hand over my heart and spat, “Like knives are cutting my heart open?”
“Bella mia,” Levi rasped, his gray eyes tormented and lost. “Please, I didn’t know they would do that—”
“I did!” I cut in. “I did.” I ran my hand through my dampening hair. “Because it’s all they’ve ever done. It’s what people do when you’re different. It’s what they do to keep you down, in the place not worthy of them.”
Levi shook his head. “No, Elsie, they’re—”
Before I could finish, I ripped the cuffs off my wrists. I held up my hands, the scars on my wrists facing him. He had to have seen them. The evidence of what I’d done. What I’d done because of people like that.
“This is what people like that can cause! This is what their words can do. This is what happens when people come at you day and night and shred away who you are, or in my case, how you sound. They get you alone and they attack. They attack like fucking vultures, and they pick you apart, piece by agonizing piece until you can’t take it anymore. Until you’d rather be dead than alive, hating the thought of one more day being hunted like verbal prey. Because they leave their voice in your head. They plant it there so, even when they’re not around, you still hear them screaming at you, screaming that you sound horrible. That you’re an embarrassment. That you sound stupid and awful. They tell you to shut up because they can’t stand the sound of your awful voice.”
My body shivered with the cold, rain pouring harder, spoiling my dress. “They imitate, they isolate, then they strike. I never knew it was possible to tear apart a soul, a fucking soul that people can’t even see… but it is,” I whispered, sobbing out the words. “You can’t see it, you can’t physically touch it, but you feel it… you can feel the moment they tear it apart because all that’s left afterwards is darkness and pain. A fucking great empty hole.”
I gasped for breath, my chest raw and sore. I could see people around us, watching me, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t care about people anymore. All they did was trick you into thinking they were nice, until you were vulnerable, then they stole any semblance of hope.
