Sweetest Venom
Page 71
MY MOM OPENS THE DOOR and smiles brightly when she sees me. “You came.”
“Yes,” I smile, too. “I want to try, Mom.”
All my life has been a collection of decisions ruled by fear: fear of getting hurt, fear of feeling too much, fear of loving, fear of allowing people to get close.
Fear.
Fear.
Fear.
I once thought I had broken free of it, but I was just fooling myself.
I’m done running.
It’s time to face the music.
And hopefully, time to heal, too.
“WOW … THIS PLACE IS INSANE,” I say, following Elly around the house. She’s giving me a tour of Alessandro’s sky lodge in Vermont. We’re now on the main floor that features an open living area and a ridiculous floor to ceiling stone fireplace, framed by bay windows. I stop walking and absorb the view of the mountains against a bright blue sky.
“The view is something else,” Elly says.
“Yep. The whole place is amazing, Elly.” I move to sit on a large cream-colored couch. I grab a comfortable looking throw pillow, hugging it to my chest, and meet Elly’s eyes. “Thanks for inviting me.”
Elly sits down next to me. She reaches for my hand and laces our fingers. “How are you doing?”
I focus on the fire burning in the hearth, thinking back to the last few weeks of my life and the peace that I found by letting go of all my anger and resentment—the peace that I found in forgiving, and accepting forgiveness in return.
“I once made a promise to myself that I would never love again because it made me weak. I decided to ignore my heart and let my brain rule every decision that I made, so I hid behind money and its comforts. I knew money couldn’t buy happiness, but it could make my life pretty comfortable—shroud it with glittering safety. I see now that I was mistaken. I mean, don’t get me wrong—money is important. But it isn’t everything.” I turn to face her and smile sadly, thinking of my father’s letter. “Love can be many things. Cruel. Exhilarating. Deceitful. Jealous. Hateful. But at its purest form, love can be redeeming—forgiving.” My voice falters, but I continue past the rock stuck in my throat, “Love can heal, Elly.”
She squeezes my hand. “That’s beautiful.”
I wipe a tear off my cheek with the sleeve of my sweater. “Ugh … I hate this,” I say, sniffing. “Lately, everything seems to set me off. And once I get going, I can’t stop crying.”
Elly laughs, the sound musical. “Aww, the ice in your heart is thawing.”
“Shut up.” I roll my eyes as a smile tugs the corners of my lips. “It freaking sucks.” We stare at each other and burst out laughing. Once we’ve calmed down, I grab the pillow sitting on my lap and throw it at her, missing her head by an inch. “What would I do without you?”
“You’d be lost without me.” She pretends to shudder. “But tell me … how are you doing? You know, with Ronan and Lawrence.”
How can I explain to Elly what happened in the past few weeks when I barely understand it myself? I laugh because I went through life protecting my heart, making sure that I never gave power to anyone, but I ended up falling in love not once, but twice.
“It sucks. The pain is still too raw. Too fresh. But I’ve had some time to think about it, I guess.”
“And?”
“It’s hard to explain. Because how can you explain loving two men at the same time?”
“Only you would go from not falling in love at all to falling for two guys at once.”
I laugh. “It’s karma at its best.” I bite my lip. “With Ronan, he came into my world and tilted it upside down. I didn’t have a chance against him—he stole my heart. And it didn’t happen like that with Lawrence. No, what I feel for Lawrence doesn’t have a beginning or an end. What started as a distraction turned into something beautiful that can’t be named or explained or measured. Each of them owns different parts of me.”
“Yes,” I smile, too. “I want to try, Mom.”
All my life has been a collection of decisions ruled by fear: fear of getting hurt, fear of feeling too much, fear of loving, fear of allowing people to get close.
Fear.
Fear.
Fear.
I once thought I had broken free of it, but I was just fooling myself.
I’m done running.
It’s time to face the music.
And hopefully, time to heal, too.
“WOW … THIS PLACE IS INSANE,” I say, following Elly around the house. She’s giving me a tour of Alessandro’s sky lodge in Vermont. We’re now on the main floor that features an open living area and a ridiculous floor to ceiling stone fireplace, framed by bay windows. I stop walking and absorb the view of the mountains against a bright blue sky.
“The view is something else,” Elly says.
“Yep. The whole place is amazing, Elly.” I move to sit on a large cream-colored couch. I grab a comfortable looking throw pillow, hugging it to my chest, and meet Elly’s eyes. “Thanks for inviting me.”
Elly sits down next to me. She reaches for my hand and laces our fingers. “How are you doing?”
I focus on the fire burning in the hearth, thinking back to the last few weeks of my life and the peace that I found by letting go of all my anger and resentment—the peace that I found in forgiving, and accepting forgiveness in return.
“I once made a promise to myself that I would never love again because it made me weak. I decided to ignore my heart and let my brain rule every decision that I made, so I hid behind money and its comforts. I knew money couldn’t buy happiness, but it could make my life pretty comfortable—shroud it with glittering safety. I see now that I was mistaken. I mean, don’t get me wrong—money is important. But it isn’t everything.” I turn to face her and smile sadly, thinking of my father’s letter. “Love can be many things. Cruel. Exhilarating. Deceitful. Jealous. Hateful. But at its purest form, love can be redeeming—forgiving.” My voice falters, but I continue past the rock stuck in my throat, “Love can heal, Elly.”
She squeezes my hand. “That’s beautiful.”
I wipe a tear off my cheek with the sleeve of my sweater. “Ugh … I hate this,” I say, sniffing. “Lately, everything seems to set me off. And once I get going, I can’t stop crying.”
Elly laughs, the sound musical. “Aww, the ice in your heart is thawing.”
“Shut up.” I roll my eyes as a smile tugs the corners of my lips. “It freaking sucks.” We stare at each other and burst out laughing. Once we’ve calmed down, I grab the pillow sitting on my lap and throw it at her, missing her head by an inch. “What would I do without you?”
“You’d be lost without me.” She pretends to shudder. “But tell me … how are you doing? You know, with Ronan and Lawrence.”
How can I explain to Elly what happened in the past few weeks when I barely understand it myself? I laugh because I went through life protecting my heart, making sure that I never gave power to anyone, but I ended up falling in love not once, but twice.
“It sucks. The pain is still too raw. Too fresh. But I’ve had some time to think about it, I guess.”
“And?”
“It’s hard to explain. Because how can you explain loving two men at the same time?”
“Only you would go from not falling in love at all to falling for two guys at once.”
I laugh. “It’s karma at its best.” I bite my lip. “With Ronan, he came into my world and tilted it upside down. I didn’t have a chance against him—he stole my heart. And it didn’t happen like that with Lawrence. No, what I feel for Lawrence doesn’t have a beginning or an end. What started as a distraction turned into something beautiful that can’t be named or explained or measured. Each of them owns different parts of me.”
