Sworn

Page 17

“I can’t, I’m sorry,” said Rachel.
“You better get the notes from someone then,” Mr. Allen said, “your grade relies on it,.”
Rachel looked over at Emily who was staring at her in confusion. “You ok?” Emily whispered.
Rachel shook her head and immediately grabbed her books and her bag and left the classroom. She felt drawn to Benji like a magnet, and knew she had to be with him wherever he was -- even if that meant leaving class early and missing what could arguably be the most important class of the quarter.
As Rachel got outside, she couldn’t find Benji. She looked by the pine tree, but he wasn’t there.
She began to wonder if it was an illusion or if she had really seen someone. All of a sudden, Benji came around the backside of the school, holding a single black rose. He handed it to Rachel and said, “I had to see you.”
“I feel the same way, I can’t stop thinking about what happened last night.”
“Let’s go somewhere,” Benji said.
“But what about school?”
“I want to talk to you,” Benji said, “Let’s cut school for the rest of the day, I bet nobody will even notice,” Benji said.
Against her better judgment she said, “OK, let’s do it.”
Rachel felt like a Rebel. She had never cut school before, but felt drawn to Benji and felt safe with him. She felt that no matter where he was, she wanted to be with him and that nothing bad would ever happen. Benji made the repercussions of cutting school worth it.
They began walking. He led her down a windy, dirt trail behind their school. She had never seen this trail, or even knew it existed. As they walked together, silently, Rachel knew this felt right, and she knew she was falling in love.
They approached the end of a path they came to a wide-open field, with tall beautiful trees surrounding it. Benji took off his leather jacket and put it on the ground for her to sit on.
As they sat there, Rachel on the jacket, and Benji sitting on the tall, wild grass, they looked into each other’s eyes. Rachel wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. She didn’t know if Benji was going to kiss her, but she felt like his stares were burning a hole through her heart. She so desperately wanted to know more about him. But she didn’t feel as if she could get close to him, truly close, until she knew more about him.
She finally broke their silence and said, “Who are you? I need to know more about you.”
He paused, longing to share. “I’m different than you?” Benji replied.
“What do you mean, different?” she asked.
“It’s hard to explain,” answered Benji. “And, I don’t think you would understand.”
“Well try,” she said. She was determined to know. She couldn’t let this go.
He looked away and sighed. Several seconds of silence followed.
“You and I…we come from different places, different backgrounds. We see the world differently. My world…is not the same as your world.”
“What does that all mean exactly? I still don’t understand you.”
Benji turned and looked at Rachel with a new expression.
“Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. Let’s not talk about this anymore, OK? I just want to be here with you, right now, in this moment.”
“How can I just be with you when I feel like I don’t even know you? Why won’t you tell me? What is it you’re hiding?”
Benji looked down at the tall grass below them. He refused to answer.
“I know what I saw,” Rachel said. “What you did at Rye Playland wasn’t normal. You saved my life. I would be dead right now if it weren’t for you. So I really need to know.”
“Anyone could have done that,” Benji said.
“IT’S NOT TRUE! STOP LYING TO ME!” Rachel yelled.
Rachel couldn’t help herself, she didn’t want to get into an argument with him and ruin their time together, but she felt such a burning desire to know, that she felt as if she couldn’t sit with him until he told her the truth.
Benji looked at her with sad eyes and spoke in a soft voice.
“I wish I could tell you,” Benji said. “I wish I could tell you everything. But I can’t. Can’t we just leave it at that?”
“No,” Rachel said getting more and more frustrated with their conversation. “I’m sorry. I really want to be with you. But I can’t, unless I know. I feel like there is just too much at stake for me, and it breaks my heart that you won’t trust me enough to tell me.”
Rachel stood up and smoothed out her skirt. She felt as if she were about to cry, and quickly turned away.
“Rachel, please. Can’t we just be happy with things as they are right now?” Benji said.
“I’m really sorry,” Rachel said, as she burst into tears and started running away.
Rachel ran back through the winding trail that led to school and saw kids pouring out of school. It was the end of the school day. Wiping away her tears, she looked for her Mom’s car in the sea of cars waiting to pick up. Rachel spotted it about fifteen cars back and waited for her mom to reach the front of the school. Rachel kept checking over her shoulder to see if Benji had followed her up. But he hadn’t.
Rachel sat quietly in the car on the way home reflecting on her day in the field with Benji. She didn’t know why Benji was so secretive, and couldn’t understand what was so different about him. Rachel was confused and upset. She would not talk to Benji or continue their relationship until she knew the truth about him.
That night, Rachel couldn’t do anything but wonder about Benji. She wondered what he was up to and she wondered how he felt as she ran away from him today. She wondered if maybe she had been too dramatic and emotional.
As she sat on her bed and ran their conversation over and over in her head, she heard her phone buzz.
1 New Message:
Emily: What happened to you today? You were MIA.
Rachel didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t want to tell Emily where she was and that she had cut school to be with Benji but she didn’t want to lie either.
Rachel: Yeah, sorry about that, what’s up?
Emily: You’re coming to the homecoming dance tomorrow right? Everyone’s going.
Rachel: I wasn’t planning on it. I don’t have a date.
Emily: Neither do I, let’s just go stag, it’ll be fun.
Rachel: Um, I don’t know.
Emily: You have to go. If you don’t go, I won’t go either.
Rachel didn’t want to hold Emily back so she told Emily she would join her. She figured that she would just stay for a little bit. She didn’t want to leave herself out of an all school event; she would never make friends that way.
Rachel: Ok, I’m in. See you tomorrow.
All of a sudden, Rob entered her mind. She wondered who Rob was going to the dance with, and wondered why he had totally fallen off the face of the earth. She then thought of Arielle, and wondered if Rob was taking her. Rachel convinced herself that she didn’t care though; she was over him and had moved on to Benji.
Rachel sat there, feeling upset. She wondered if Benji was going to go to the homecoming dance. Part of Rachel hoped that Benji would be at the dance but another part of felt that dances weren’t his thing and that he wasn’t big on hanging out with large groups of people.
Feeling mentally and emotionally drained, Rachel took out her journal, drew a picture of her and Benji in the field together, and then, fell asleep.
Chapter Eleven
Rachel woke up to a buzzing sound coming from her phone.
1 New Message:
Emily: Bring your stuff for the dance to school; I’m having a “getting ready” party at my place after school.
She rubbed her eyes and reread the message. Rachel felt a sudden pang of nervousness. It was her first school dance and she had nobody to go with. Part of her didn’t want to go to the dance, but she knew she had to go with Emily. She didn’t want to let her down.
Rachel: Ok, I’ll do that.
Rachel looked out the window and it was raining. The rain depressed her and made her want to curl up in bed, and not go to school or the dance. She also felt depressed because of Benji. She had never had these kinds of feeling before for a guy. She knew her feelings were real and she didn’t know what to do. Would she ever see him again?
She looked at her watch and realized she was running late. She quickly bolted out of bed, searched through her closet for a dress to wear to the dance, threw some makeup in a bag and ran downstairs for breakfast. She hoped she wasn’t forgetting anything.
“What’s in the bag?” Sarah said.
“My dress for the dance tonight,” Rachel answered.
“I got the cutest dress at the Westchester Mall yesterday, you’re gonna die when you see it tonight,” Sarah said.
Rachel suddenly thought her dress wasn’t going to be good enough. She didn’t realize the dance was a big deal or warranted a “new” dress.
“I’m wearing the one I wore to the Easter Parade last year,” Rachel said.
“You are?” Sarah looked at her in surprise.
“Um, I don’t have anything else, and it’s too late now to go shopping. It’s my only option,” Rachel said back.
“All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Sarah said, peeking into her duffle.
The dress that Rachel packed was teal, with big pink and orange flowers all over it. She knew it wasn’t the most fashionable dress, but she didn’t see what the big deal was. It was only a homecoming school dance -- not the prom!
Feeling a little self-conscious, Rachel hopped into the car and headed to school. As her mom drove down the street, Rachel saw cars that had been painted red white and blue and said, “Go Tigers!” on the windows. Rachel suddenly realized that homecoming was a big deal at this school.
She remembered her homecoming dance at her school in Pennsylvania. It was the lamest thing, and most people didn’t even go. Rachel had figured that it would be like that up in Bedford, but she was clearly mistaken.