Taking Chances
Page 80
“No, keep going. I need to know this.” He watched me study his face, trying to figure out if I should continue, “Harper, please, don't hold anything back.”
Taking a deep breath I thought back to where I'd ended, “Well, um, after you came back, I couldn't bring myself to go there with you. I already knew that you were who I wanted to be with, but I kept telling myself I couldn't do that to Chase, and was afraid that if I were to be with you, it would just be to clear my conscious. None of that was true, a huge part of the reason I couldn't bring myself to have sex with you after I'd been with Chase, was because you were still under the impression that I was a virgin, and you'd been so patient with me. Then that one night, I was ready, and Scarecrow called and you got hurt. That's why I was so frustrated on the ride over, I'd finally decided I was ready and I still couldn't be with you. I took it as a sign that I should wait. I figured then that unless you knew the truth, I couldn't tell you I was ready. And obviously, I didn't have a clue how to tell you, or if I could tell you. Then all of a sudden it didn't matter anymore, I had to tell you what happened, and I knew it would crush you.”
“It did.”
“I wish you knew how sorry I am.”
“Why are you telling me this now Harper? Is it because of what Chase did?”
My stomach twisted thinking of him and Trish, “No, I've wanted to talk to you about all this for so long. But I didn't know how, or if I could and didn't think you'd ever give me a chance even if I tried. And honestly, I think Chase has been making sure we don't see each other.”
“Why? You'd already left me for him, you guys are having a baby together.”
I shrugged. Brandon knew why, I just didn't want to have to say it out loud. “Have you been seeing anyone?”
“No.” He snorted, shook his head and looked towards the other tables before back to me, “I don't know how you never seemed to realize this, but I was madly in love with you Harper.”
“I did know that.” I said softly.
“I've never loved anyone that way, I know it was early in our relationship, but I knew I was going to marry you someday. I've dated plenty of girls, and held long relationships with a few, but none that ever could be compared to you. That's not something you just move on from, no matter how badly I want to.” He took a deep breath as his face fell and stayed silent for a while, “I still can't see my life with anyone but you. I still love you Harper, baby included.”
Why did he have to say these things to me? This would be a bad conversation to have at any time, but now, after what just happened with Chase, it's dangerous. If I didn't put an end to this conversation now, I'd be running into Brandon's arms in just a couple minutes. I can't give in to the white knight syndrome, not that a relationship with him would ever be that. I love Brandon. But I hurt him to be with Chase, and now Chase hurt me. I can't just go back to Brandon because Chase dismissed me. I'd be like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth to whoever is most convenient at that time.
“I love you too. I hope to someday marry someone as amazing as you. You are going to make someone extremely happy Brandon, and I'm sure I'll hate her because she got you.” I smiled at him softly, “My reason for moving to San Diego was to get away from my life and to find out who I am, and I haven't even given myself the chance to do that. I met you just weeks after moving here and fell in love with you instantly, I was afraid my feelings for you were so strong only because you were my first kiss, first boyfriend, and first love...but we both know that's not it. What we had, was something rare. I screwed that up and almost immediately went into a relationship with Chase. I need to find out who I am outside of a relationship, before I can ever attempt another one. And you need to find someone who will treat you better than I did. You need to move on Brandon.”
I got out of the booth and pulled my purse straps onto my shoulder. Brandon stood too and hesitantly brought me in for a long embrace. I tried to memorize the feel of his warm arms around me, his muscled chest moving against my head with every breath he took.
“In order to start this, I need to stop running from everything and everyone. Can you please take me home? I need to talk with Mom and Dad, and confront Chase. If he's even there.”
Brandon's smile was sad when he let me go and led me out of the restaurant. Other than a quick call to Konrad to see if he could catch a ride with him after he dropped me off, the ride to Mom's was silent. It wasn't completely uncomfortable, we were both just too lost in our own thoughts to even try to have a conversation. After pulling into the drive and getting out of the car, Brandon scrounged around the back until he found my phone and handed it back to me. We were still silent for the few moments we stood there glaring at Chase's truck before heading towards the front door.
“Will you promise me something Harper?”
“That really depends on what it is.” I answered honestly.
His sexy smirk was back for a second before his face grew serious, “If you guys move past this, please don't go back to him just because he's the father.”
I looked deep into his green eyes and hoped he saw the truth in my response, “I promise.”
“I'll wait out here for Konrad, I don't think it would be a good idea for me to see Chase right now.”
“Thank you for everything Brandon, I'll see you later.” I hugged him and let him cup my face for a few moments before walking in the door.
Taking a deep breath I thought back to where I'd ended, “Well, um, after you came back, I couldn't bring myself to go there with you. I already knew that you were who I wanted to be with, but I kept telling myself I couldn't do that to Chase, and was afraid that if I were to be with you, it would just be to clear my conscious. None of that was true, a huge part of the reason I couldn't bring myself to have sex with you after I'd been with Chase, was because you were still under the impression that I was a virgin, and you'd been so patient with me. Then that one night, I was ready, and Scarecrow called and you got hurt. That's why I was so frustrated on the ride over, I'd finally decided I was ready and I still couldn't be with you. I took it as a sign that I should wait. I figured then that unless you knew the truth, I couldn't tell you I was ready. And obviously, I didn't have a clue how to tell you, or if I could tell you. Then all of a sudden it didn't matter anymore, I had to tell you what happened, and I knew it would crush you.”
“It did.”
“I wish you knew how sorry I am.”
“Why are you telling me this now Harper? Is it because of what Chase did?”
My stomach twisted thinking of him and Trish, “No, I've wanted to talk to you about all this for so long. But I didn't know how, or if I could and didn't think you'd ever give me a chance even if I tried. And honestly, I think Chase has been making sure we don't see each other.”
“Why? You'd already left me for him, you guys are having a baby together.”
I shrugged. Brandon knew why, I just didn't want to have to say it out loud. “Have you been seeing anyone?”
“No.” He snorted, shook his head and looked towards the other tables before back to me, “I don't know how you never seemed to realize this, but I was madly in love with you Harper.”
“I did know that.” I said softly.
“I've never loved anyone that way, I know it was early in our relationship, but I knew I was going to marry you someday. I've dated plenty of girls, and held long relationships with a few, but none that ever could be compared to you. That's not something you just move on from, no matter how badly I want to.” He took a deep breath as his face fell and stayed silent for a while, “I still can't see my life with anyone but you. I still love you Harper, baby included.”
Why did he have to say these things to me? This would be a bad conversation to have at any time, but now, after what just happened with Chase, it's dangerous. If I didn't put an end to this conversation now, I'd be running into Brandon's arms in just a couple minutes. I can't give in to the white knight syndrome, not that a relationship with him would ever be that. I love Brandon. But I hurt him to be with Chase, and now Chase hurt me. I can't just go back to Brandon because Chase dismissed me. I'd be like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth to whoever is most convenient at that time.
“I love you too. I hope to someday marry someone as amazing as you. You are going to make someone extremely happy Brandon, and I'm sure I'll hate her because she got you.” I smiled at him softly, “My reason for moving to San Diego was to get away from my life and to find out who I am, and I haven't even given myself the chance to do that. I met you just weeks after moving here and fell in love with you instantly, I was afraid my feelings for you were so strong only because you were my first kiss, first boyfriend, and first love...but we both know that's not it. What we had, was something rare. I screwed that up and almost immediately went into a relationship with Chase. I need to find out who I am outside of a relationship, before I can ever attempt another one. And you need to find someone who will treat you better than I did. You need to move on Brandon.”
I got out of the booth and pulled my purse straps onto my shoulder. Brandon stood too and hesitantly brought me in for a long embrace. I tried to memorize the feel of his warm arms around me, his muscled chest moving against my head with every breath he took.
“In order to start this, I need to stop running from everything and everyone. Can you please take me home? I need to talk with Mom and Dad, and confront Chase. If he's even there.”
Brandon's smile was sad when he let me go and led me out of the restaurant. Other than a quick call to Konrad to see if he could catch a ride with him after he dropped me off, the ride to Mom's was silent. It wasn't completely uncomfortable, we were both just too lost in our own thoughts to even try to have a conversation. After pulling into the drive and getting out of the car, Brandon scrounged around the back until he found my phone and handed it back to me. We were still silent for the few moments we stood there glaring at Chase's truck before heading towards the front door.
“Will you promise me something Harper?”
“That really depends on what it is.” I answered honestly.
His sexy smirk was back for a second before his face grew serious, “If you guys move past this, please don't go back to him just because he's the father.”
I looked deep into his green eyes and hoped he saw the truth in my response, “I promise.”
“I'll wait out here for Konrad, I don't think it would be a good idea for me to see Chase right now.”
“Thank you for everything Brandon, I'll see you later.” I hugged him and let him cup my face for a few moments before walking in the door.
