Taut: The Ford Book
Page 54
“I like you wild.”
I laugh. “You are a silly shit.”
“No, really though,” she says. “I like you when you’ve got the walls down. When you’re just you.”
“When have you seen me without walls?”
“When you told me about your dad.”
“I told you the story, but not how it felt. So I still had all the walls up.”
Her smile falters and her eyes get a little sad. “I don’t need to be told how that feels. Your walls are transparent, so even if you still have them up, I can see through them. And a glimpse is all I need. I know that feeling.”
“You done eating?”
“Yes, but that’s a deflection. I don’t mind, don’t get me wrong. You can deflect all you want because deflection is my friend these days as well. And to pay you back for telling me that story when I was outside losing my shit, I’ll be calm tonight just for you.” And then she smiles. It’s not big, but it’s genuine. It‘s warm and it says a lot of things. It says I trust you tonight. I might not trust you tomorrow, but tonight I’ll be good because you want me to.
“Then I win.”
She smiles bigger this time and looks down at Kate. “You do win, because you’ve got both of us.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
I play her words back in my mind as we drive down the road to the hotel. I have them both.
I do. For now. I have their complete undivided attention. But as soon as we get to LA, she’s going back to her ex. I can feel it. She loves him. She wants her baby’s father to be a part of her life. She wants it so bad she falls apart just thinking about raising this child alone.
And I don’t think she’s afraid of that. I’m getting the impression Ashleigh comes from money. Maybe some serious money. Your father doesn’t do business in Hong Kong for a dozen years without having a significant position. And she said straight out he gave her sister a job in his company.
No. Ashleigh isn’t worried about money. She’s not stressing out about babysitters and health care. She’s lonely. She wants a partner. She wants to share the joys of parenting with someone who loves that baby just as much as her. And I’m not sure what’s going on with the ex. Maybe he’s an ass**le. Maybe he cheated. Maybe he did all sorts of stuff. But if he takes her back—there’s just no way I can compete with that.
Why the f**k am I thinking about this? I’m not even interested in being with her like that. I want to f**k her, under certain conditions. But she’s very vulnerable and she might jump to conclusions. I’m not looking for a girlfriend, let alone a partner. No. The only girl I’ve ever wanted that with is Rook.
We don’t talk on the way up to the room. The baby babbles a little and Ashleigh whispers to her about things. Lights, potted plants in the corners, the music in the lobby. The slamming of a door and the ding of the elevator. She explains each stimulus with soft words and a smile.
I turn on the bedside lamps instead of the overhead light and then Ash takes off Kate’s snow gear and settles herself in the chair again. Gone is the teasing about sex. Now she’s exactly like she promised me she would be. Calm.
“Thanks for packing me some stuff,” I say as I grab my toothbrush. “I’m gonna jump in the shower.”
“I’m gonna fall asleep,” she says without opening her eyes.
I watch her for a second. Her body is totally relaxed and I envy her a little because I don’t think I’ve ever been that comfortable in a strange place. Hell, maybe not even in my own home. But she’s here, in a hotel, in Middle of Nowhere, Utah… and it’s like home to her. It’s almost like everywhere is home for her, because home is Kate.
I take my shower and then put on the cut-off sweats Ashleigh must’ve found in my dresser. I wonder what the hell else she found. I have no idea what’s in that room anymore. I haven’t thought about it in years.
I go back out and the lights are all off. The bathroom light lingers outside the doorway a few feet and I can make out Ashleigh’s body under the covers. The baby is breathing loud and even, sleeping. I turn out the light and climb in next to them. I’ve slept with women, of course. But never slept with them. Like sleeping. That’s not something I like to do. In fact, I’m not so sure about this right now, and my rash decision during check-in might be a mistake. But there’s nowhere else to sleep other than that miniature love seat or the floor. And I’d be a f**king idiot to give up these two for those options.
I lie there, flat on my back, my hands behind my head, looking up at the ceiling.
“Ford?”
“Yes.”
“Want to play a game?”
“What kind of game?”
“A silly junior high one.” She sits up a little and takes her shirt off, then throws it across the room and lies down facing away from me. “You trace a word on my back and I try to guess what it is. If I guess, I get to trace one on yours.”
She stops to see if I’ll protest, but I don’t. My heart beats a little faster at the thought of her behind me, touching my back. “What do I get if you don’t guess?”
“Anything you want that doesn’t involve me getting up from this bed.” She laughs a little. “Because I’m too damn tired to bend over and put my ass in the air right now.”
“What if I don’t guess, then you get to ask me for something?”
I laugh. “You are a silly shit.”
“No, really though,” she says. “I like you when you’ve got the walls down. When you’re just you.”
“When have you seen me without walls?”
“When you told me about your dad.”
“I told you the story, but not how it felt. So I still had all the walls up.”
Her smile falters and her eyes get a little sad. “I don’t need to be told how that feels. Your walls are transparent, so even if you still have them up, I can see through them. And a glimpse is all I need. I know that feeling.”
“You done eating?”
“Yes, but that’s a deflection. I don’t mind, don’t get me wrong. You can deflect all you want because deflection is my friend these days as well. And to pay you back for telling me that story when I was outside losing my shit, I’ll be calm tonight just for you.” And then she smiles. It’s not big, but it’s genuine. It‘s warm and it says a lot of things. It says I trust you tonight. I might not trust you tomorrow, but tonight I’ll be good because you want me to.
“Then I win.”
She smiles bigger this time and looks down at Kate. “You do win, because you’ve got both of us.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
I play her words back in my mind as we drive down the road to the hotel. I have them both.
I do. For now. I have their complete undivided attention. But as soon as we get to LA, she’s going back to her ex. I can feel it. She loves him. She wants her baby’s father to be a part of her life. She wants it so bad she falls apart just thinking about raising this child alone.
And I don’t think she’s afraid of that. I’m getting the impression Ashleigh comes from money. Maybe some serious money. Your father doesn’t do business in Hong Kong for a dozen years without having a significant position. And she said straight out he gave her sister a job in his company.
No. Ashleigh isn’t worried about money. She’s not stressing out about babysitters and health care. She’s lonely. She wants a partner. She wants to share the joys of parenting with someone who loves that baby just as much as her. And I’m not sure what’s going on with the ex. Maybe he’s an ass**le. Maybe he cheated. Maybe he did all sorts of stuff. But if he takes her back—there’s just no way I can compete with that.
Why the f**k am I thinking about this? I’m not even interested in being with her like that. I want to f**k her, under certain conditions. But she’s very vulnerable and she might jump to conclusions. I’m not looking for a girlfriend, let alone a partner. No. The only girl I’ve ever wanted that with is Rook.
We don’t talk on the way up to the room. The baby babbles a little and Ashleigh whispers to her about things. Lights, potted plants in the corners, the music in the lobby. The slamming of a door and the ding of the elevator. She explains each stimulus with soft words and a smile.
I turn on the bedside lamps instead of the overhead light and then Ash takes off Kate’s snow gear and settles herself in the chair again. Gone is the teasing about sex. Now she’s exactly like she promised me she would be. Calm.
“Thanks for packing me some stuff,” I say as I grab my toothbrush. “I’m gonna jump in the shower.”
“I’m gonna fall asleep,” she says without opening her eyes.
I watch her for a second. Her body is totally relaxed and I envy her a little because I don’t think I’ve ever been that comfortable in a strange place. Hell, maybe not even in my own home. But she’s here, in a hotel, in Middle of Nowhere, Utah… and it’s like home to her. It’s almost like everywhere is home for her, because home is Kate.
I take my shower and then put on the cut-off sweats Ashleigh must’ve found in my dresser. I wonder what the hell else she found. I have no idea what’s in that room anymore. I haven’t thought about it in years.
I go back out and the lights are all off. The bathroom light lingers outside the doorway a few feet and I can make out Ashleigh’s body under the covers. The baby is breathing loud and even, sleeping. I turn out the light and climb in next to them. I’ve slept with women, of course. But never slept with them. Like sleeping. That’s not something I like to do. In fact, I’m not so sure about this right now, and my rash decision during check-in might be a mistake. But there’s nowhere else to sleep other than that miniature love seat or the floor. And I’d be a f**king idiot to give up these two for those options.
I lie there, flat on my back, my hands behind my head, looking up at the ceiling.
“Ford?”
“Yes.”
“Want to play a game?”
“What kind of game?”
“A silly junior high one.” She sits up a little and takes her shirt off, then throws it across the room and lies down facing away from me. “You trace a word on my back and I try to guess what it is. If I guess, I get to trace one on yours.”
She stops to see if I’ll protest, but I don’t. My heart beats a little faster at the thought of her behind me, touching my back. “What do I get if you don’t guess?”
“Anything you want that doesn’t involve me getting up from this bed.” She laughs a little. “Because I’m too damn tired to bend over and put my ass in the air right now.”
“What if I don’t guess, then you get to ask me for something?”
