The Arrangement 6

Page 11

Sean takes a jagged breath. His eyes are on my lips, wanting more. When he flicks his eyes up, our gazes lock, he says, “No Avery. I want to make sure—“
“So do I. Take me the way you wanted, the way you tried to before.”
He’s breathing hard, watching me. “I’m not the same man I was before.” I don’t understand. I shake my head ever so slightly. “I told you there was nothing left to save, that I was screwed up beyond comprehension. I was. There was nothing left worth saving, but then you came along in your crappy car. You fight for every breath you take and you don’t back down. I admire that. I admire you, but it’s so much more. I was so far gone that I didn’t see it, I didn’t know I could feel that way again.”
My heart starts thumping harder. A shiver climbs up my back and coats my entire body. Is he saying what I think he’s saying? “Sean—”
He presses his finger to my lips and silences me. Swallowing hard, he looks up at me. “I regret not saying things in the past. I regret masking my feelings for you. I regret lying to myself, and too many other things to name.
“Avery, I’m so far gone. There’s nothing left to love. When you said you loved me, I don’t know, it was like I was being attacked. I reacted wrong, but I couldn’t stop. No one has loved me, not since Amanda, and not like this.” His gaze bores into mine. It’s so intense that it makes me squirm. Sean’s eyes drift to my lips and back to my eyes. I feel like the world has stopped spinning and I’m floating away. This can’t be real.
Sean presses his lips together and smiles at me. “I love you. I love the way you think, the way you blurt out whatever’s in your head. I love the way you fly a kite. I love being with you on the beach. I love the way you chased down your car, ready beat the crap out of the guy who stole it. I love that you talk to your parents even though they’re gone. I love your fascination with the cold. I love the snowmen. I love that you’ll do anything and everything to survive. You’re everything wonderful in my life and I don’t deserve any of it. I love you, Avery.”
Holy shit. Did he say really that? My throat is so tight. It feels like there’s an elephant sitting on my windpipe. I can’t even choke out a response. I just stand there with my mouth hanging open and my eyebrows creeping up into my hairline.
Sean tangles his fingers in my hair, and looks at me from under his lashes. He leans in close so we’re almost lip to lip. He breathes, “You scare the hell out of me.”
My voice comes out breathy. “Likewise, Mr. Jones.”
He grins. “I don’t know what I want anymore, Miss Smith. My life hasn’t turned out the way I planned. The only thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I want you.”
Butterflies flutter through my chest. This can’t be happening. It can’t be. I blink a few times and wonder if I’m dreaming, but my nightmares are never like this. Looking into Sean’s face, I need to know. Something happened to his wife and baby. What Gabe said couldn’t be true, but I have to know.
My eyes drop to his tie. I stare at it like it’s an anchor. I have to ask, but how do I ask him something like that? How can I even mention it now? He said he loves me. I should kiss him and squeal with glee. Instead, these dark thoughts linger and make me question everything.
“Sean…” I whisper his name. Licking my lips, I look up into his face. Every ounce of hope is dashed when he sees my expression. It’s like he already knows my question. “Everyone says you’re not a person to mess around with, that I should leave you and never look back. They say you’re ruthless and coldhearted. I never understood why. I don’t see it. Then, I heard something… I have to ask. What happened to Amanda and the baby?”
A current of cold dread runs through my stomach. Sean is so tense. His face loses any trace of the man I was talking to. It becomes a blank slate. Fear flashes in his eyes when looks back at me. “If you’re asking that, you already know.” He pulls away from me. I watch him walk over to the window and look out at the city. Sean stares vacantly.
I follow him across the room. “What I heard couldn’t possibly be true. It doesn’t make any sense. I see the way you mourn. You grief is as palpable as mine.”
“No, it’s not. My grief is nothing like yours.” He turns suddenly and our gazes lock. Wild terror burns behind his eyes like he’s lost in a horrific memory. Sean steps toward me. “What you heard is true. I killed my wife.”