The Best Goodbye
Page 45
Addy slid off my lap and sat on the seat beside me. “I need to go back inside in case Franny wakes up,” she explained, and reached for the door handle.
“I’ll walk you inside,” I said, opening the truck door on my side and hopping out, then reaching inside to take her hand.
She slid her hand into mine, and I wanted to keep it there forever. Holding on to this. Part of me feared I’d wake up soon and this would all be a dream. That I wouldn’t have Addy or Franny. That my life would still be devoid of emotion. Devoid of need.
“What’s that look for?” she asked.
I shook off those thoughts and tightened my hold on her hand as I started walking toward her door. “Nothing.”
That wasn’t enough for her, though. She stopped walking and tugged on my arm to get my attention. “Don’t say nothing. I know that frown. It’s the ‘River is thinking unhappy thoughts’ frown. What are you thinking?”
Once, I had been able to tell her everything. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that now. I had darkness in my life that she’d never understand. I couldn’t share those things, not if I wanted to keep her in my life. I had to be worthy of her and Franny. My past was something that would have to stay a secret.
“Just don’t want to wake up and find out this is all a dream,” I replied finally. Every truth I could tell her, I would. It would make up for the lies I would also have to tell.
Her small hand squeezed mine. “Me, too.”
“I’ve got a lot to make up for. I’ve changed, but not when it comes to you. Being with you takes me back to the me I thought I’d lost.”
I just hoped she believed me and saw that, too. Walking away tonight scared me. Once she had time to think about the asshole I’d been since she arrived, she might regret this.
I wasn’t losing her. Not again.
Addy
How did you know you liked to gag?
I covered my face with my hands and groaned in embarrassment. Last night, I’d been so worked up from being in River’s arms again I hadn’t even thought about what I was doing. In the light of day, I replayed everything in my head. I didn’t even know that girl I’d become.
I heard Franny in the kitchen and pushed thoughts of River out of my head. I had to focus on today. Last night meant something to me. I just wasn’t sure what it meant to him. Especially after he had time to sleep on it. This afternoon at work would answer my questions. How he acted toward me would tell me if I’d been an idiot or if he had felt what I had felt. The way he had looked at me before he left made me want to believe he was where I was.
“Mommy, you want a waffle?” Franny asked, turning to smile at me as she stood waiting for the toaster to pop out her breakfast.
I shook my head. “No thanks, baby. I think coffee is enough for right now.”
“I figured, but I thought I’d ask.”
Smiling, I walked over and started a pot.
“When will I see Dad again?”
Good question. We hadn’t really discussed that last night. “Soon, I’m sure. He enjoyed being with you as much as you enjoyed being with him,” I assured her.
She grinned and sat down at the table. “I think he enjoyed being with you, too. He looks at you a lot.”
I set my coffee cup down and composed myself. “Don’t get ideas in your head about us, OK?” I needed her to understand. My heart getting broken was one thing, but Franny’s heart getting broken was another. I wasn’t willing to take that chance.
Last night, I had been with River again, but I couldn’t forget that I’d seen the side of him that was Captain. And Captain wasn’t someone I was willing to trust all the way. Not yet.
“I’m not getting ideas. I’m just saying I saw him looking at you a lot. Bet if he saw you with your blond hair, he’d really think you were beautiful.”
Franny hadn’t liked it when I colored my hair red. She’d said I didn’t look right. She liked us looking similar.
“I don’t think that’ll be the case. But I do think it’s time I went back to my original color.”
Franny started eating, and I drank my coffee, sighing in relief that this conversation was coming to a close.
“When you see him today, will you ask him if he wants to get ice cream with us again?”
She wanted him around so badly. “Why don’t I invite him over here for dinner on my next night off? We can cook for him.”
Franny beamed at me. “Yes, that’s even better. But let’s cook him our best stuff. Not just pizza. I can make the biscuits.”
“OK. It’s a deal,” I agreed.
• • •
By the time I got to work that afternoon, I was even more unsure. Part of me had expected a call or possibly a text from him. But there had been nothing. Twice, I’d almost texted him to ask him over for dinner, but I’d stopped myself. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, and if he regretted last night, then I wasn’t sure I could face him. Especially after what I’d done.
My face flushed with embarrassment yet again, and I ducked my head as I walked through the back entrance.
“You’re late.” Elle’s sharp tone startled me, and I looked up to see her walking out of Captain’s office and closing the door behind her.
The sharp pain that shot through me caused me to wince. I didn’t want her to think she upset me, but knowing she had been in Captain’s office was difficult to take. Especially since I’d heard them in there once having sex.
“I’ll walk you inside,” I said, opening the truck door on my side and hopping out, then reaching inside to take her hand.
She slid her hand into mine, and I wanted to keep it there forever. Holding on to this. Part of me feared I’d wake up soon and this would all be a dream. That I wouldn’t have Addy or Franny. That my life would still be devoid of emotion. Devoid of need.
“What’s that look for?” she asked.
I shook off those thoughts and tightened my hold on her hand as I started walking toward her door. “Nothing.”
That wasn’t enough for her, though. She stopped walking and tugged on my arm to get my attention. “Don’t say nothing. I know that frown. It’s the ‘River is thinking unhappy thoughts’ frown. What are you thinking?”
Once, I had been able to tell her everything. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that now. I had darkness in my life that she’d never understand. I couldn’t share those things, not if I wanted to keep her in my life. I had to be worthy of her and Franny. My past was something that would have to stay a secret.
“Just don’t want to wake up and find out this is all a dream,” I replied finally. Every truth I could tell her, I would. It would make up for the lies I would also have to tell.
Her small hand squeezed mine. “Me, too.”
“I’ve got a lot to make up for. I’ve changed, but not when it comes to you. Being with you takes me back to the me I thought I’d lost.”
I just hoped she believed me and saw that, too. Walking away tonight scared me. Once she had time to think about the asshole I’d been since she arrived, she might regret this.
I wasn’t losing her. Not again.
Addy
How did you know you liked to gag?
I covered my face with my hands and groaned in embarrassment. Last night, I’d been so worked up from being in River’s arms again I hadn’t even thought about what I was doing. In the light of day, I replayed everything in my head. I didn’t even know that girl I’d become.
I heard Franny in the kitchen and pushed thoughts of River out of my head. I had to focus on today. Last night meant something to me. I just wasn’t sure what it meant to him. Especially after he had time to sleep on it. This afternoon at work would answer my questions. How he acted toward me would tell me if I’d been an idiot or if he had felt what I had felt. The way he had looked at me before he left made me want to believe he was where I was.
“Mommy, you want a waffle?” Franny asked, turning to smile at me as she stood waiting for the toaster to pop out her breakfast.
I shook my head. “No thanks, baby. I think coffee is enough for right now.”
“I figured, but I thought I’d ask.”
Smiling, I walked over and started a pot.
“When will I see Dad again?”
Good question. We hadn’t really discussed that last night. “Soon, I’m sure. He enjoyed being with you as much as you enjoyed being with him,” I assured her.
She grinned and sat down at the table. “I think he enjoyed being with you, too. He looks at you a lot.”
I set my coffee cup down and composed myself. “Don’t get ideas in your head about us, OK?” I needed her to understand. My heart getting broken was one thing, but Franny’s heart getting broken was another. I wasn’t willing to take that chance.
Last night, I had been with River again, but I couldn’t forget that I’d seen the side of him that was Captain. And Captain wasn’t someone I was willing to trust all the way. Not yet.
“I’m not getting ideas. I’m just saying I saw him looking at you a lot. Bet if he saw you with your blond hair, he’d really think you were beautiful.”
Franny hadn’t liked it when I colored my hair red. She’d said I didn’t look right. She liked us looking similar.
“I don’t think that’ll be the case. But I do think it’s time I went back to my original color.”
Franny started eating, and I drank my coffee, sighing in relief that this conversation was coming to a close.
“When you see him today, will you ask him if he wants to get ice cream with us again?”
She wanted him around so badly. “Why don’t I invite him over here for dinner on my next night off? We can cook for him.”
Franny beamed at me. “Yes, that’s even better. But let’s cook him our best stuff. Not just pizza. I can make the biscuits.”
“OK. It’s a deal,” I agreed.
• • •
By the time I got to work that afternoon, I was even more unsure. Part of me had expected a call or possibly a text from him. But there had been nothing. Twice, I’d almost texted him to ask him over for dinner, but I’d stopped myself. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking, and if he regretted last night, then I wasn’t sure I could face him. Especially after what I’d done.
My face flushed with embarrassment yet again, and I ducked my head as I walked through the back entrance.
“You’re late.” Elle’s sharp tone startled me, and I looked up to see her walking out of Captain’s office and closing the door behind her.
The sharp pain that shot through me caused me to wince. I didn’t want her to think she upset me, but knowing she had been in Captain’s office was difficult to take. Especially since I’d heard them in there once having sex.
