The Best Kind of Trouble
Page 34
“No, no. You go. Be there to cheer Mary on. Tell you what, I’ll drive out when I finish. Okay? I’ll get there as soon as I can. I’ll text you when I get close and you can let me know which winery you’re at.”
“Yeah, that’d be cool. Mary will feel better that way, too. Thanks, gorgeous.”
“Mmm-hmm. Now go on. I’ll see you as soon as I can.”
They’d been going out for three months. She saw him several times a week, slept at his place or he slept at hers. It got rocky sometimes as they both tried to work through their stuff. They were both off balance, and sometimes they had to carefully find their way back on track. But it was unexpectedly good. Because they put in the work. No one had done that for her before the way he did.
She pulled together all her stuff, finished all the supporting paperwork with one of the other librarians, and they got it all together to be sent to the grant people. An hour and some change later, she headed out, looking forward to the rest of her day with Paddy.
Only to have it all come crashing down at the sight of her father standing at the front doors of the library.
She hated that he still had the power over her to make her feel this way. Hated that every time he came into her life, it was to create chaos and destroy her carefully built life.
Being around him meant having to play games. Meant having to pretend away what was real and true. The weight of those secrets had torn her up as she got older. She was too tired to play make-believe.
For a long long time, she’d hoped it would work. Each try. Each failure cost more, and she didn’t want to pay the tab anymore.
“Why are you here?” She kept walking toward her car and thank goodness, he followed. This was her job. If anyone came out, he’d play proud daddy happy to meet her coworkers.
No one could play pretend normal like a junkie.
“I tried calling, but you won’t take my calls. I emailed, too.”
“My work email isn’t for personal use. I’ve told Grandmother to let you know that.” Not that it made a difference. He wanted what he wanted, and so the needs of anyone else meant little.
“I’m trying to make things right.” He stepped in front of her car door.
She hardened her heart and kept that wall between them as thick as she could. “Too late. I have to go. I’m expected somewhere.” She’d been very careful not to tell her grandmother anything about Paddy or her dating life so at least there was that.
“My sponsor says I can’t be held accountable for your hate of me. I did the best I could, Natty. My addiction made those mistakes. I accepted that, and you need to, as well.”
She didn’t rise to the bait. He played the oh, you hate me card all the time. It never worked for her to respond to it. It was a dead end. “Don’t call me that. I don’t want you in my life. Why don’t you tell your sponsor that? I’m not responsible for you or your recovery. I wish you well. I truly do. But you need to respect my boundaries.” She reached around and pulled her door open, moving him in the process.
“It’s not fair of you to hold grudges. I’m trying to do the right thing.”
She closed the door, locking it. She rolled her window down a crack. Enough for him to hear her. “I’m not holding a grudge. I’m protecting myself. You need to stay away from my home and my workplace. Don’t make me get a no-contact order. I hope you can stay clean. I truly do. But I don’t want your amends. I don’t want you at all. Please respect that.”
* * *
HER HANDS SHOOK for a time, but when she pulled over to text Paddy, she was more solid.
She hadn’t seen her father in three years. He’d made his amends to her more times than she could count, and it had been a really long time since she’d believed his apologies. Or hell, a long time since he’d made any genuine amends at all. Mainly it was more of the same.
Bob Clayton was raised to think no matter what he did, it wasn’t his fault. He could have gotten past that as an adult, but he never had. So when he got to the amends part, everyone got the faux apology. The I’m sorry you felt that way. Or the I’m sorry my addictions made your life hard. Which was why she hated the fake apology so much.
Gah, another stupid button living with her father had left her with.
It had been enough at one time. Back when she had room to believe he’d get himself clean and they could move forward with a mainly decent relationship. But that point passed years ago. He wasn’t capable of the change she needed, and so to protect herself and her life, she kept him out of it.
And if people thought she was heartless for it, they could have a relationship with him and commiserate about how mean she was. But she’d be protected from being disappointed by him yet again.
Paddy replied to her text to say where they were, and a quick look at her GPS told her it was just two miles from where she was. Smiling, she headed his way.
It was getting colder, but the day was clear and sunny, so she turned her collar up and put on a hat and headed toward the main building. Being with Paddy and his brothers would be good. She could wash away this melancholy with something happy.
“Blondie!”
She turned in the direction of the shout when she got inside to see Vaughan spill out of a side room, all smiles.
Paddy followed him. “Hey, there you are.”
Her stomach fell at the sight when he stumbled, nearly losing his balance. He grabbed his brother, and they both laughed.
She stood, rooted to the spot.
“Yeah, that’d be cool. Mary will feel better that way, too. Thanks, gorgeous.”
“Mmm-hmm. Now go on. I’ll see you as soon as I can.”
They’d been going out for three months. She saw him several times a week, slept at his place or he slept at hers. It got rocky sometimes as they both tried to work through their stuff. They were both off balance, and sometimes they had to carefully find their way back on track. But it was unexpectedly good. Because they put in the work. No one had done that for her before the way he did.
She pulled together all her stuff, finished all the supporting paperwork with one of the other librarians, and they got it all together to be sent to the grant people. An hour and some change later, she headed out, looking forward to the rest of her day with Paddy.
Only to have it all come crashing down at the sight of her father standing at the front doors of the library.
She hated that he still had the power over her to make her feel this way. Hated that every time he came into her life, it was to create chaos and destroy her carefully built life.
Being around him meant having to play games. Meant having to pretend away what was real and true. The weight of those secrets had torn her up as she got older. She was too tired to play make-believe.
For a long long time, she’d hoped it would work. Each try. Each failure cost more, and she didn’t want to pay the tab anymore.
“Why are you here?” She kept walking toward her car and thank goodness, he followed. This was her job. If anyone came out, he’d play proud daddy happy to meet her coworkers.
No one could play pretend normal like a junkie.
“I tried calling, but you won’t take my calls. I emailed, too.”
“My work email isn’t for personal use. I’ve told Grandmother to let you know that.” Not that it made a difference. He wanted what he wanted, and so the needs of anyone else meant little.
“I’m trying to make things right.” He stepped in front of her car door.
She hardened her heart and kept that wall between them as thick as she could. “Too late. I have to go. I’m expected somewhere.” She’d been very careful not to tell her grandmother anything about Paddy or her dating life so at least there was that.
“My sponsor says I can’t be held accountable for your hate of me. I did the best I could, Natty. My addiction made those mistakes. I accepted that, and you need to, as well.”
She didn’t rise to the bait. He played the oh, you hate me card all the time. It never worked for her to respond to it. It was a dead end. “Don’t call me that. I don’t want you in my life. Why don’t you tell your sponsor that? I’m not responsible for you or your recovery. I wish you well. I truly do. But you need to respect my boundaries.” She reached around and pulled her door open, moving him in the process.
“It’s not fair of you to hold grudges. I’m trying to do the right thing.”
She closed the door, locking it. She rolled her window down a crack. Enough for him to hear her. “I’m not holding a grudge. I’m protecting myself. You need to stay away from my home and my workplace. Don’t make me get a no-contact order. I hope you can stay clean. I truly do. But I don’t want your amends. I don’t want you at all. Please respect that.”
* * *
HER HANDS SHOOK for a time, but when she pulled over to text Paddy, she was more solid.
She hadn’t seen her father in three years. He’d made his amends to her more times than she could count, and it had been a really long time since she’d believed his apologies. Or hell, a long time since he’d made any genuine amends at all. Mainly it was more of the same.
Bob Clayton was raised to think no matter what he did, it wasn’t his fault. He could have gotten past that as an adult, but he never had. So when he got to the amends part, everyone got the faux apology. The I’m sorry you felt that way. Or the I’m sorry my addictions made your life hard. Which was why she hated the fake apology so much.
Gah, another stupid button living with her father had left her with.
It had been enough at one time. Back when she had room to believe he’d get himself clean and they could move forward with a mainly decent relationship. But that point passed years ago. He wasn’t capable of the change she needed, and so to protect herself and her life, she kept him out of it.
And if people thought she was heartless for it, they could have a relationship with him and commiserate about how mean she was. But she’d be protected from being disappointed by him yet again.
Paddy replied to her text to say where they were, and a quick look at her GPS told her it was just two miles from where she was. Smiling, she headed his way.
It was getting colder, but the day was clear and sunny, so she turned her collar up and put on a hat and headed toward the main building. Being with Paddy and his brothers would be good. She could wash away this melancholy with something happy.
“Blondie!”
She turned in the direction of the shout when she got inside to see Vaughan spill out of a side room, all smiles.
Paddy followed him. “Hey, there you are.”
Her stomach fell at the sight when he stumbled, nearly losing his balance. He grabbed his brother, and they both laughed.
She stood, rooted to the spot.
