The Best Kind of Trouble
Page 74
What could Natalie say? For so long, the subject of Tuesday’s dead husband and the wall of grief that had kept her from fully living her life had been one they’d danced around.
But Tuesday was her best friend. The person she loved most in the whole world. Natalie just had to hope she didn’t screw it up too badly.
“He’s gone, though, Tuesday. That you liked being kissed by someone else doesn’t mean you didn’t love Eric. Or that you don’t still and won’t always on some level.”
Things stayed quiet as they headed home.
“You’ve dated here and there.” It had been four years. But what sort of timeline can you put on that sort of grief?
“Yes. None of them were...”
“This is different.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, and I don’t like that.”
“Okay. But what kind of life is this? Eric wouldn’t want you to date dudes you know you’d never care about just so you can have sex.”
“Eric is dead, Natalie. He doesn’t have wants anymore.” Tuesday’s voice went flat, her tone signaling the end of the discussion.
“Okay, then. He’s gone. And you can’t just turn your life off because you come across someone who makes you feel something.”
“I don’t know. I’m too tired to think about it anymore right now. Tell me what your grumpy face meant.”
“Meh. Doesn’t matter. So let’s watch scary movies and make popcorn. We won’t go to bed until after sunrise and sleep all day.”
“You’re going to Paddy’s tonight.”
“He’s going to be buzzed on that show for days. You and I haven’t really hung out since you got back from Tennessee. He’ll understand, and it’s not like I won’t see him tomorrow, anyway.”
Tuesday waved a hand. “I don’t need to be babysat. Also, we have so hung out. Today. Yesterday. Stop. I’m a little blue, it’s not the end of the world. Oh, my problems. A superhot dude laid a kiss on me! Woe.”
“I don’t want you by yourself wallowing in this stuff. Alone with your memories.”
“I am alone in my memories, Nats. The person I made them with is dead. Oh, I know I’m not supposed to say this stuff. It makes everyone uncomfortable. But it’s still true.”
“Who says you’re not supposed to say it? I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I want you to talk about it. I want to listen to you. I know I can’t fix it, but I’m always here to listen.”
“No, not you. You’re the only one who will talk to me about it. Everyone else wants me to move on because it’s been four years now.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you to move on. I do. Not on, that’s not right. Forward. Because you can’t go back. But I get that it hurts. And I know you’re struggling, and I wish I could make it better. I want you to say whatever the hell you want to. If you can’t be open with me, who can you be open with?”
Tuesday blew out a breath. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Thank you, and I mean that, for listening and always being here, but I just don’t want to deal with it right now. I want you to drop me home so I can take a long, hot shower and go to bed. I want you to leave me there and go to your boyfriend’s house. I need to be by myself and you need to be with him. He’s going to be heading out on tour soon enough. Get as much of him as you can before that happens.”
* * *
PADDY LOOKED OVER at Ezra, who’d chosen to drive. He was a great designated driver, but he was high on performing, too. And he was a control freak—a lot like the one Paddy’d fallen in love with.
“You were on fire tonight.”
Ezra grinned. “It felt really good to be up there. I can’t lie.”
“We missed you.” Damien spoke from the backseat. “It’s not the same without all four of us up onstage.”
“How are you feeling?”
Ezra blew out a long breath. “A lot of ways. I...I was wondering if I still had it.”
Paddy had to face that each time they started a new recording session. Each time he started to write a new song, he wondered if his best work was behind him. So he understood it on one level. But for Ezra, he knew things were way more complicated.
“You do. You never lost it. You just lost your way for a while.” Vaughan sometimes was the smartest of all the brothers. He was full of shit a lot of the time, but he was so much more insightful than Paddy gave him credit for.
Vaughan continued, “The question is, Ezra, not whether you have it or not. You prove that every time we make a new album. But how you want to go forward.”
Paddy agreed. “You don’t have to answer now, either. We have some time before we need to deal with tour musicians and all that.”
“I need to think about it. But that aside? This material kicks ass.”
“Loved the crowd response to ‘Silent No More’ and ‘Bright Light.’ I did not expect that reaction to ‘Chemicals.’”
The discussion shifted to what songs seemed to be the crowd favorites and which might need some tweaking live. They poked fun at Damien for breaking a stick and at Paddy for forgetting a line in one of their new songs. It was normal and good, and he realized how much he’d missed having Ezra be part of this.
But his brother had asked for some time, and they’d give it to him. And they’d be all right no matter what he decided.
But Tuesday was her best friend. The person she loved most in the whole world. Natalie just had to hope she didn’t screw it up too badly.
“He’s gone, though, Tuesday. That you liked being kissed by someone else doesn’t mean you didn’t love Eric. Or that you don’t still and won’t always on some level.”
Things stayed quiet as they headed home.
“You’ve dated here and there.” It had been four years. But what sort of timeline can you put on that sort of grief?
“Yes. None of them were...”
“This is different.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, and I don’t like that.”
“Okay. But what kind of life is this? Eric wouldn’t want you to date dudes you know you’d never care about just so you can have sex.”
“Eric is dead, Natalie. He doesn’t have wants anymore.” Tuesday’s voice went flat, her tone signaling the end of the discussion.
“Okay, then. He’s gone. And you can’t just turn your life off because you come across someone who makes you feel something.”
“I don’t know. I’m too tired to think about it anymore right now. Tell me what your grumpy face meant.”
“Meh. Doesn’t matter. So let’s watch scary movies and make popcorn. We won’t go to bed until after sunrise and sleep all day.”
“You’re going to Paddy’s tonight.”
“He’s going to be buzzed on that show for days. You and I haven’t really hung out since you got back from Tennessee. He’ll understand, and it’s not like I won’t see him tomorrow, anyway.”
Tuesday waved a hand. “I don’t need to be babysat. Also, we have so hung out. Today. Yesterday. Stop. I’m a little blue, it’s not the end of the world. Oh, my problems. A superhot dude laid a kiss on me! Woe.”
“I don’t want you by yourself wallowing in this stuff. Alone with your memories.”
“I am alone in my memories, Nats. The person I made them with is dead. Oh, I know I’m not supposed to say this stuff. It makes everyone uncomfortable. But it’s still true.”
“Who says you’re not supposed to say it? I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I want you to talk about it. I want to listen to you. I know I can’t fix it, but I’m always here to listen.”
“No, not you. You’re the only one who will talk to me about it. Everyone else wants me to move on because it’s been four years now.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you to move on. I do. Not on, that’s not right. Forward. Because you can’t go back. But I get that it hurts. And I know you’re struggling, and I wish I could make it better. I want you to say whatever the hell you want to. If you can’t be open with me, who can you be open with?”
Tuesday blew out a breath. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Thank you, and I mean that, for listening and always being here, but I just don’t want to deal with it right now. I want you to drop me home so I can take a long, hot shower and go to bed. I want you to leave me there and go to your boyfriend’s house. I need to be by myself and you need to be with him. He’s going to be heading out on tour soon enough. Get as much of him as you can before that happens.”
* * *
PADDY LOOKED OVER at Ezra, who’d chosen to drive. He was a great designated driver, but he was high on performing, too. And he was a control freak—a lot like the one Paddy’d fallen in love with.
“You were on fire tonight.”
Ezra grinned. “It felt really good to be up there. I can’t lie.”
“We missed you.” Damien spoke from the backseat. “It’s not the same without all four of us up onstage.”
“How are you feeling?”
Ezra blew out a long breath. “A lot of ways. I...I was wondering if I still had it.”
Paddy had to face that each time they started a new recording session. Each time he started to write a new song, he wondered if his best work was behind him. So he understood it on one level. But for Ezra, he knew things were way more complicated.
“You do. You never lost it. You just lost your way for a while.” Vaughan sometimes was the smartest of all the brothers. He was full of shit a lot of the time, but he was so much more insightful than Paddy gave him credit for.
Vaughan continued, “The question is, Ezra, not whether you have it or not. You prove that every time we make a new album. But how you want to go forward.”
Paddy agreed. “You don’t have to answer now, either. We have some time before we need to deal with tour musicians and all that.”
“I need to think about it. But that aside? This material kicks ass.”
“Loved the crowd response to ‘Silent No More’ and ‘Bright Light.’ I did not expect that reaction to ‘Chemicals.’”
The discussion shifted to what songs seemed to be the crowd favorites and which might need some tweaking live. They poked fun at Damien for breaking a stick and at Paddy for forgetting a line in one of their new songs. It was normal and good, and he realized how much he’d missed having Ezra be part of this.
But his brother had asked for some time, and they’d give it to him. And they’d be all right no matter what he decided.
