The Best Kind of Trouble
Page 79
“I keep thinking I’m finally free of him. I draw my boundaries around myself clearly. I communicate to him that I don’t want him in my life, and he never stays gone. He’s told the world about stuff I’ve never said outside therapy. I’ve tried to not be bitter, to understand he’s not a fully formed person, you know, like bread that’s not cooked all the way through? But this is... He’s accusing me of being an addict? Me?” She scrubbed her hands over her face. “You’re not going to ask me why I won’t forgive and forget?”
Ezra’s laugh was entirely without humor. “Having been through the process and the programs and all the stuff that comes with it, I’m in a unique position. Forgiveness, like respect, needs to be earned. You can’t just say you’re seeking to make amends and not mean it. The amends can’t be all about the person seeking them, either. My sponsor was really clear about that. I did ugly stuff. I’m lucky my family and friends forgave me. But I wasn’t owed forgiveness, and I understood they needed to see that I was not only truly sorry, but that I was going to do my best not to do it again. Your father sounds like a piece of shit. And he’s going to be a piece of shit even if he was straight because some people are just pieces of shit. You don’t have to let that into your life now. You don’t owe him anything. I do think, for your own mental health, you need to let go. But as far as I can tell, you’re trying.”
He lifted a brow. “Sometimes the only way you can survive and move on is to wall the people who are poison out of your life. And sometimes those people will never allow themselves to truly see what they are. He’s a coward for that.”
It was as though he had given her permission to feel the way she did. Not that she hadn’t owned her feelings in the past. She had. But it meant something to her that he’d said all he had. And that he saw her father for what he was. Made her feel less of a jerk for not letting him back in one more time.
It hit her again, the depth of her father’s utter lack of concern for anyone but himself. And she was caught in it, even when she desperately didn’t want to be.
Ezra got up, moved to kneel next to her and encircled her in his arms.
“I can’t. I can’t fall apart. I need to go back to work. So go over there and sit and tell me about your pig or whatever.”
He snorted but kissed the top of her head and did what he was told.
* * *
AFTER WORK, SHE showed up at Tuesday’s shop at closing time. She slapped the paper down on the counter.
Tuesday read it, her eyes going wide. “That motherfucker! I’m going to hunt him down and kick him in the taint for hours. What are we going to do?”
“First I’m going to thank you for being so wonderful and jumping straight to the taint-kicking threats.”
“Number one rule of best friends, hello.”
“And then I’m going to pack because I’m getting on a plane tomorrow to Chicago. I’ll be back in a few days. I need...”
“You need Paddy.” Tuesday smiled. “And thank goodness you’re going to admit it. Does he know about this?” She indicated the interview.
“If he does, he didn’t find out through Ezra. I asked him to let me tell Paddy in person. I don’t think he’s heard it anywhere else, either. He texted me a while ago. Today is a travel day for them, so he’s sending me pictures from airports. He needs to know I’m coming to him with this, you know? That I trust him to share my stresses.”
“In the past you tried on your own and it made him pissy. I’m glad you’re doing this. Like a big girl and everything.”
“He has been someone I can rely on. Someone I can count on, and you know what that means to me. He’s really trying, so I’d be a jerk if I didn’t, too. Plus? I want to hold him.” Now that she’d started to be more open, it had become something that actually made her feel better. Even if all he did was listen.
“Nothing wrong with needing that, Natalie. Let him. He wants you to need him, too.”
“Yeah, well, I do. Guess I have to shave my legs now. Either that or wear thigh-high socks the whole time.”
They’d driven in together that day, Tuesday ever the efficient snow driver and Natalie a snow wuss, even after years in Washington and Oregon. It worked out nicely.
Once home, Tuesday offered to make dinner while Natalie dealt with everything.
She made plane reservations and arranged for a car to pick her up at the airport to take her to the arena. She and Mary texted a bit, Mary assuring her she was welcome, that Paddy would love to see her and that she thought a surprise would be fantastic. She told Natalie she’d handle the hotel situation and gave her all the info she’d need to get from the airport to the hotel, to get her checked into Paddy’s room and then to get to the venue from the hotel.
All that done, she headed downstairs to find a glass of wine and some hot soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
She looked to Tuesday and sighed. “You’re the best. Totally perfect. Thanks.”
They ate as she filled Tuesday in on all the details. She’d head to Portland in the morning for her flight and would return two days after when Sweet Hollow Ranch moved to the next city.
They talked around Ezra and their lunch. Natalie pushed but kept it gentle because she didn’t want to rip open any wounds and then leave town. There was something between Tuesday and Ezra, but her friend wasn’t able to put it into words yet.
Ezra’s laugh was entirely without humor. “Having been through the process and the programs and all the stuff that comes with it, I’m in a unique position. Forgiveness, like respect, needs to be earned. You can’t just say you’re seeking to make amends and not mean it. The amends can’t be all about the person seeking them, either. My sponsor was really clear about that. I did ugly stuff. I’m lucky my family and friends forgave me. But I wasn’t owed forgiveness, and I understood they needed to see that I was not only truly sorry, but that I was going to do my best not to do it again. Your father sounds like a piece of shit. And he’s going to be a piece of shit even if he was straight because some people are just pieces of shit. You don’t have to let that into your life now. You don’t owe him anything. I do think, for your own mental health, you need to let go. But as far as I can tell, you’re trying.”
He lifted a brow. “Sometimes the only way you can survive and move on is to wall the people who are poison out of your life. And sometimes those people will never allow themselves to truly see what they are. He’s a coward for that.”
It was as though he had given her permission to feel the way she did. Not that she hadn’t owned her feelings in the past. She had. But it meant something to her that he’d said all he had. And that he saw her father for what he was. Made her feel less of a jerk for not letting him back in one more time.
It hit her again, the depth of her father’s utter lack of concern for anyone but himself. And she was caught in it, even when she desperately didn’t want to be.
Ezra got up, moved to kneel next to her and encircled her in his arms.
“I can’t. I can’t fall apart. I need to go back to work. So go over there and sit and tell me about your pig or whatever.”
He snorted but kissed the top of her head and did what he was told.
* * *
AFTER WORK, SHE showed up at Tuesday’s shop at closing time. She slapped the paper down on the counter.
Tuesday read it, her eyes going wide. “That motherfucker! I’m going to hunt him down and kick him in the taint for hours. What are we going to do?”
“First I’m going to thank you for being so wonderful and jumping straight to the taint-kicking threats.”
“Number one rule of best friends, hello.”
“And then I’m going to pack because I’m getting on a plane tomorrow to Chicago. I’ll be back in a few days. I need...”
“You need Paddy.” Tuesday smiled. “And thank goodness you’re going to admit it. Does he know about this?” She indicated the interview.
“If he does, he didn’t find out through Ezra. I asked him to let me tell Paddy in person. I don’t think he’s heard it anywhere else, either. He texted me a while ago. Today is a travel day for them, so he’s sending me pictures from airports. He needs to know I’m coming to him with this, you know? That I trust him to share my stresses.”
“In the past you tried on your own and it made him pissy. I’m glad you’re doing this. Like a big girl and everything.”
“He has been someone I can rely on. Someone I can count on, and you know what that means to me. He’s really trying, so I’d be a jerk if I didn’t, too. Plus? I want to hold him.” Now that she’d started to be more open, it had become something that actually made her feel better. Even if all he did was listen.
“Nothing wrong with needing that, Natalie. Let him. He wants you to need him, too.”
“Yeah, well, I do. Guess I have to shave my legs now. Either that or wear thigh-high socks the whole time.”
They’d driven in together that day, Tuesday ever the efficient snow driver and Natalie a snow wuss, even after years in Washington and Oregon. It worked out nicely.
Once home, Tuesday offered to make dinner while Natalie dealt with everything.
She made plane reservations and arranged for a car to pick her up at the airport to take her to the arena. She and Mary texted a bit, Mary assuring her she was welcome, that Paddy would love to see her and that she thought a surprise would be fantastic. She told Natalie she’d handle the hotel situation and gave her all the info she’d need to get from the airport to the hotel, to get her checked into Paddy’s room and then to get to the venue from the hotel.
All that done, she headed downstairs to find a glass of wine and some hot soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.
She looked to Tuesday and sighed. “You’re the best. Totally perfect. Thanks.”
They ate as she filled Tuesday in on all the details. She’d head to Portland in the morning for her flight and would return two days after when Sweet Hollow Ranch moved to the next city.
They talked around Ezra and their lunch. Natalie pushed but kept it gentle because she didn’t want to rip open any wounds and then leave town. There was something between Tuesday and Ezra, but her friend wasn’t able to put it into words yet.
