The Black Prism
Page 35
Gavin was a better man than Kip would have expected. “Being known as my bastard has costs,” Gavin continued. “You haven’t been raised in privilege, but people who resent those raised in privilege will resent you. You haven’t been educated, but those who have been will look down on you if you know less than they do. If I acknowledge you, you’ll attract the wrong sort of friends. Those who hate and resent me can’t often take it out on me, Kip, I’m too powerful, too dangerous. But they will take it out on you. It isn’t fair, but that’s how it is. You’ll be under constant scrutiny, and both your successes and failures will have repercussions you can’t even guess at now. My father may choose not to recognize you. Others will seek to prove you’re a fraud. Others will attempt to use you against me. And still others will want to befriend you only in the hope that it will help them gain some favor with me. False friendship is a poison I’d like to protect you from.”
Too late for that. Kip thought of Ram: Ram who was always in charge, who always liked smearing Kip’s face in his own inferiority and claiming it was friendly teasing. Ram, whom Isa had loved. Ram, dead, lying with an arrow in his back. “So what are my options?” Kip asked. “I am what I am.”
Gavin rubbed the bridge of his nose. “You could go as just another student for the time being. Then, whenever you like, I’ll publicly acknowledge you. You’ll have time to gain your bearings, to learn who your real friends are.”
“By lying to them?”
“Sometimes lies are most necessary with our friends,” Gavin snapped. He paused. “Look, I just wanted to give you the option—”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m not—I’m not mad at you. My mother… Do you remember what she was like? I mean, before me?” Kip asked.
Gavin’s mouth worked. He wet his lips. Then shook his head. “I don’t remember her, Kip. At all.”
So, not exactly a love affair. Kip’s emptiness doubled. There was no family to belong to. “You’re the Prism; I guess a lot of women want to be with you,” Kip said.
“It was war, Kip. When you expect to die, you don’t think about the effects your actions might have on others ten years on. When you’ve seen friends die all around you, there’s something about making love that makes you feel alive. There was far too much wine and spirits and no one who would rein in a young hothead who had the misfortune to be the Prism. But it’s not an excuse. I’m sorry, Kip. I’m sorry for what my thoughtlessness has cost you.”
So my mother had one night with you, and she pinned her hopes on that. Kip had no doubt she’d elbowed and schemed her way past a dozen other women who would have gladly shared the Prism’s bed. And she’d filled years with bitterness for that?
Kip forced a laugh, his heart breaking. For all the times he’d dreamed about who his father might be, he’d never dared to dream that he might be the Prism himself. But in his dreams, his father had been called away by some emergency. He’d left them because he had to. But he’d loved Kip’s mother and Kip. Missed them. Wanted to come back, and would any day. Gavin was a good man, but he didn’t care about Lina. Or Kip. He would take care of Kip because he was dutiful. A good person. But there was no love. No family to belong to. Kip was alone, outside, staring through barred windows at what he would never have.
It was like being given a gift that was wildly exotic when you wanted something perfectly common. Still, what kind of an ingrate was he? Complaining? Feeling sorry for himself—because the Prism was his father?
“I’m sorry,” Kip said. He stared at his fingernails, still torn from his luxin use. “This isn’t right. My mother had… some problems. I guess she wanted to trap you by showing up with me.” Kip couldn’t maintain eye contact. He was so ashamed. How could you be so stupid, mother? So mean? “You don’t deserve this. You saved my life, and I’ve been… awful.” Kip blinked, but he couldn’t fully stop the tears. “You can leave me wherever—well, preferably not on a deserted island.”
Gavin smirked, then got serious. “Kip, your mother and I did what we did. I appreciate you trying to shield me from the consequences of my actions, but you are not trapping me into anything. People can talk. I don’t care. Understand?” He expelled a breath. “Regardless, the only damage I care about has already been done.”
For a second, Kip didn’t understand. The damage was already done? No one even knew Kip was alive.
Except Karris. That was what Gavin meant. Kip had caused a rift with the only person in the world Gavin cared about. What had been intended to make Kip feel better hit him instead where he was weakest. His mother had made him feel guilty for simply existing for as long as he could remember. He’d ruined her life by being born. He’d ruined her life by having too many demands. He’d made people look down on her. He’d held her back from all the things she could have done. Mentally, he could try to shrug off her words. She didn’t mean it. She loved Kip, even if she had never said the words. She didn’t know how she was hurting him.
But Gavin was a good man. He didn’t deserve this.
“Kip. Kip.” Gavin waited until Kip looked up at him. “I will not abandon you.”
Visions of a locked cupboard, screaming—screaming—and no one answering. “Is there anything to eat?” Kip asked, blinking. “I feel like I haven’t eaten in a week.” He poked his chest. He could feel ribs sticking out.
Gavin pulled a rope of sausages out of his pack, cut one off—only one?—and tossed it to Kip. “Tomorrow, you start at the Chromeria.”
“Oomowwow?” Kip asked, mouth full.
“I’m going to share a secret with you,” Gavin said. “I can travel faster than anyone suspects.”
“You can disappear and reappear somewhere else? I knew it!” Kip said.
“Um, no. But I can make a boat that goes really fast.”
“Oh, that’s… amazing. A boat.”
Gavin looked nonplussed. “Point is, I don’t want anyone to know how fast I am. There’s war coming, and if I need to unveil it, I need it to be a surprise. You understand?”
“Of course,” Kip said.
“Then I need you to tell me what you want. I’m going to go take care of some things while you’re being initiated.”
“Initiated?”
“Just some tests to determine the rest of your life. You’re late, though, all the other students have already started, so we have to hustle you in. After initiation, you can stay and be trained.”
Kip’s throat tightened. Dropped alone on a strange island, knowing no one, and having little time to prepare for a test that was supposed to determine the rest of his life? On the other hand, the Chromeria was where he’d learn the magic he needed to kill King Garadul. “What’s the other option?”
“You come with me.”
It was light at the end of a tunnel. Kip’s heart flipped. “And what are you going to do?”
“What I’m good at, Kip.” Gavin stared up, his irises swirling rainbows. He smiled, but it didn’t touch his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was cold and distant as the moon. “I’m going to make war.”
Too late for that. Kip thought of Ram: Ram who was always in charge, who always liked smearing Kip’s face in his own inferiority and claiming it was friendly teasing. Ram, whom Isa had loved. Ram, dead, lying with an arrow in his back. “So what are my options?” Kip asked. “I am what I am.”
Gavin rubbed the bridge of his nose. “You could go as just another student for the time being. Then, whenever you like, I’ll publicly acknowledge you. You’ll have time to gain your bearings, to learn who your real friends are.”
“By lying to them?”
“Sometimes lies are most necessary with our friends,” Gavin snapped. He paused. “Look, I just wanted to give you the option—”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m not—I’m not mad at you. My mother… Do you remember what she was like? I mean, before me?” Kip asked.
Gavin’s mouth worked. He wet his lips. Then shook his head. “I don’t remember her, Kip. At all.”
So, not exactly a love affair. Kip’s emptiness doubled. There was no family to belong to. “You’re the Prism; I guess a lot of women want to be with you,” Kip said.
“It was war, Kip. When you expect to die, you don’t think about the effects your actions might have on others ten years on. When you’ve seen friends die all around you, there’s something about making love that makes you feel alive. There was far too much wine and spirits and no one who would rein in a young hothead who had the misfortune to be the Prism. But it’s not an excuse. I’m sorry, Kip. I’m sorry for what my thoughtlessness has cost you.”
So my mother had one night with you, and she pinned her hopes on that. Kip had no doubt she’d elbowed and schemed her way past a dozen other women who would have gladly shared the Prism’s bed. And she’d filled years with bitterness for that?
Kip forced a laugh, his heart breaking. For all the times he’d dreamed about who his father might be, he’d never dared to dream that he might be the Prism himself. But in his dreams, his father had been called away by some emergency. He’d left them because he had to. But he’d loved Kip’s mother and Kip. Missed them. Wanted to come back, and would any day. Gavin was a good man, but he didn’t care about Lina. Or Kip. He would take care of Kip because he was dutiful. A good person. But there was no love. No family to belong to. Kip was alone, outside, staring through barred windows at what he would never have.
It was like being given a gift that was wildly exotic when you wanted something perfectly common. Still, what kind of an ingrate was he? Complaining? Feeling sorry for himself—because the Prism was his father?
“I’m sorry,” Kip said. He stared at his fingernails, still torn from his luxin use. “This isn’t right. My mother had… some problems. I guess she wanted to trap you by showing up with me.” Kip couldn’t maintain eye contact. He was so ashamed. How could you be so stupid, mother? So mean? “You don’t deserve this. You saved my life, and I’ve been… awful.” Kip blinked, but he couldn’t fully stop the tears. “You can leave me wherever—well, preferably not on a deserted island.”
Gavin smirked, then got serious. “Kip, your mother and I did what we did. I appreciate you trying to shield me from the consequences of my actions, but you are not trapping me into anything. People can talk. I don’t care. Understand?” He expelled a breath. “Regardless, the only damage I care about has already been done.”
For a second, Kip didn’t understand. The damage was already done? No one even knew Kip was alive.
Except Karris. That was what Gavin meant. Kip had caused a rift with the only person in the world Gavin cared about. What had been intended to make Kip feel better hit him instead where he was weakest. His mother had made him feel guilty for simply existing for as long as he could remember. He’d ruined her life by being born. He’d ruined her life by having too many demands. He’d made people look down on her. He’d held her back from all the things she could have done. Mentally, he could try to shrug off her words. She didn’t mean it. She loved Kip, even if she had never said the words. She didn’t know how she was hurting him.
But Gavin was a good man. He didn’t deserve this.
“Kip. Kip.” Gavin waited until Kip looked up at him. “I will not abandon you.”
Visions of a locked cupboard, screaming—screaming—and no one answering. “Is there anything to eat?” Kip asked, blinking. “I feel like I haven’t eaten in a week.” He poked his chest. He could feel ribs sticking out.
Gavin pulled a rope of sausages out of his pack, cut one off—only one?—and tossed it to Kip. “Tomorrow, you start at the Chromeria.”
“Oomowwow?” Kip asked, mouth full.
“I’m going to share a secret with you,” Gavin said. “I can travel faster than anyone suspects.”
“You can disappear and reappear somewhere else? I knew it!” Kip said.
“Um, no. But I can make a boat that goes really fast.”
“Oh, that’s… amazing. A boat.”
Gavin looked nonplussed. “Point is, I don’t want anyone to know how fast I am. There’s war coming, and if I need to unveil it, I need it to be a surprise. You understand?”
“Of course,” Kip said.
“Then I need you to tell me what you want. I’m going to go take care of some things while you’re being initiated.”
“Initiated?”
“Just some tests to determine the rest of your life. You’re late, though, all the other students have already started, so we have to hustle you in. After initiation, you can stay and be trained.”
Kip’s throat tightened. Dropped alone on a strange island, knowing no one, and having little time to prepare for a test that was supposed to determine the rest of his life? On the other hand, the Chromeria was where he’d learn the magic he needed to kill King Garadul. “What’s the other option?”
“You come with me.”
It was light at the end of a tunnel. Kip’s heart flipped. “And what are you going to do?”
“What I’m good at, Kip.” Gavin stared up, his irises swirling rainbows. He smiled, but it didn’t touch his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was cold and distant as the moon. “I’m going to make war.”
