The Christmas Surprise
Page 51
‘Hush,’ said Lilian. ‘You’re spoiling the fun.’
‘Plus, what about his wife?’
‘There’s a theory about his wife,’ said Lilian, but infuriatingly she refused to be drawn.
Rosie brought in the huge steaming enamel pot that had been in Lilian’s family for goodness knew how long, plus a large bowl of local roast potatoes, good hearty fresh bread from the bakery, Isitt’s butter from the farm down the road, and the greens from Jake’s allotment. Everyone sighed happily and dug in, even Pamela taking a large pile of vegetables and a tiny bit of sauce, and for a few seconds there was an appreciative silence as they regarded their loaded plates. Then Lilian said the Selkirk Grace, pointing out that the new vicar didn’t believe in grace.
‘He’s not that new,’ said Stephen. ‘He’s been here for five years.’
‘Oh, five years!’ said Lilian. ‘That’s right, that is an awfully long time, particularly compared to, I don’t know, eighty-four years.’
‘You can’t just trump everything by being old,’ said Stephen.
‘I certainly can,’ said Lilian. ‘There are precious few up sides to being my age, you know. You take them where you can. Thank you for the breast meat, Rosie.’
‘That’s all right,’ said Rosie, who had made sure her great-aunt got something so tender she could eat it with a spoon.
Stephen poured everyone a glass of very expensive-looking dusty old wine. Pamela eyed it beadily.
‘Where did you get that? Did you take it from Dad’s cellar? That belongs to the estate.’
‘Well you’d better drink as much of it as you can, then,’ said Stephen crossly, filling her glass to the brim.
‘I shall,’ said Pamela, equally crossly, throwing some back and filling Roy’s glass.
Roy was now attempting to focus on his plate, one of his eyes wandering slightly. Rosie nudged Tina.
‘You know, I think we should probably ask this sooner rather than later.’
Moray glanced over and frowned.
‘Oh Lord, amateur night.’ He looked at his own glass. ‘Well thank God Hye’s on call. Tally ho! This is a fabulous Bordeaux, Stephen, just amazing.’
‘I know,’ said Stephen, emptying the bottle into Moray’s glass and going into the kitchen to open another.
‘You should be—’ began Pamela.
Lilian leant over.
‘Excuse me, dear, I am a trifle deaf, but would I be right in thinking that you’ve donated these lovely bottles tonight? Almost like rent, isn’t it?’
Pamela looked at her, startled.
‘Oh yes,’ said Lilian. ‘This is my house. For now. Of course you’re making my great-niece homeless with her baby, but I shan’t hold that against you.’
Pamela stuck out her jaw.
‘I’m only claiming what’s rightfully mine,’ she said. ‘I’m the eldest. I was born first.’
‘Oh no, quite,’ said Lilian, patting her gently on the arm and giving the impression of being the loveliest, sweetest old lady in the world. ‘Of course. You do what’s right.’
Tina put down her fork and cleared her throat.
‘So, we’re really glad you’re all able to come to the wedding next Saturday,’ she said. (She and Rosie had hurriedly made an invitation for Roy and dropped it in to his surgery. It had said ‘Venue tbc’.) ‘Of course, we’re just putting the final touches—’
All of a sudden Roy stood up. He made quite a lot of noise doing so.
‘Oh it’s nice to be getting out and about again. After, you know. That business.’
‘With the scout hut?’ said Rosie. Roy looked confused.
‘No.’
‘With trying to knock down the sweetshop to build a car park?’
‘No.’
‘With trying to close the village school?’
‘No,’ said Roy, swaying slightly. ‘I can’t imagine why anyone would have had a problem with any of those things.’
He took another gulp of wine. Rosie was aware of Stephen wincing as the beautiful vintage, thick and dense and full of flavour, and so rich she herself could only sip at it, was swilled down Roy’s shiny gullet.
‘NO!’ said Roy, suddenly loud. ‘I mean things that have happened to ME. Like that old witch.’
‘Who, me?’ said Lilian.
‘No, not you,’ said Roy. ‘No, the WITCH. Laura.’
‘Laura? Your wife Laura?’ said Rosie.
Roy brought his fist down hard on the table.
‘My EX-wife Laura. My soon-to-be-EX-wife. She bloody left me! ME! With my swimming pool. I do triathlons, you know.’
‘We do know,’ said Tina.
‘And I think that’s amazing,’ said Pamela.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Rosie. She was. He looked so miserable. ‘I didn’t know she’d left you.’
‘Nobody knows,’ said Roy. Then, as if realising he’d just told half the village, he looked round the table balefully. ‘So don’t tell them, right? I’m going to say I chucked her out. Like she deserved! Witch.’
‘I cannot imagine why she left him,’ whispered Stephen in Rosie’s ear. She kicked him.
‘I did her teeth for free! For free!’
Pamela patted him on the shoulder.
‘Sssh,’ she said comfortingly. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘But she’s going to take all my money!’
‘We’ll find you a good lawyer,’ said Pamela. ‘Trust me, I’ve dated hundreds of them, and they were all completely evil sharks. Perfect for you.’
Roy nodded.
‘She says I’ve ruined her life.’
‘Well, maybe you’ll feel better if you make her a nice fair settlement,’ suggested Rosie.
Roy looked at her.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. She’s made me totally miserable by leaving me, so I will give her nothing.’
‘I’m glad they’ve made it so easy to get divorced,’ said Lilian. ‘Makes everyone so much happier.’
Rosie gave her a look. Then something occurred to her.
‘Do you know what would be great?’ she said suddenly, pouring Roy some more wine. ‘You should have a big party. Celebrate with all your friends. A divorce party.’
‘Plus, what about his wife?’
‘There’s a theory about his wife,’ said Lilian, but infuriatingly she refused to be drawn.
Rosie brought in the huge steaming enamel pot that had been in Lilian’s family for goodness knew how long, plus a large bowl of local roast potatoes, good hearty fresh bread from the bakery, Isitt’s butter from the farm down the road, and the greens from Jake’s allotment. Everyone sighed happily and dug in, even Pamela taking a large pile of vegetables and a tiny bit of sauce, and for a few seconds there was an appreciative silence as they regarded their loaded plates. Then Lilian said the Selkirk Grace, pointing out that the new vicar didn’t believe in grace.
‘He’s not that new,’ said Stephen. ‘He’s been here for five years.’
‘Oh, five years!’ said Lilian. ‘That’s right, that is an awfully long time, particularly compared to, I don’t know, eighty-four years.’
‘You can’t just trump everything by being old,’ said Stephen.
‘I certainly can,’ said Lilian. ‘There are precious few up sides to being my age, you know. You take them where you can. Thank you for the breast meat, Rosie.’
‘That’s all right,’ said Rosie, who had made sure her great-aunt got something so tender she could eat it with a spoon.
Stephen poured everyone a glass of very expensive-looking dusty old wine. Pamela eyed it beadily.
‘Where did you get that? Did you take it from Dad’s cellar? That belongs to the estate.’
‘Well you’d better drink as much of it as you can, then,’ said Stephen crossly, filling her glass to the brim.
‘I shall,’ said Pamela, equally crossly, throwing some back and filling Roy’s glass.
Roy was now attempting to focus on his plate, one of his eyes wandering slightly. Rosie nudged Tina.
‘You know, I think we should probably ask this sooner rather than later.’
Moray glanced over and frowned.
‘Oh Lord, amateur night.’ He looked at his own glass. ‘Well thank God Hye’s on call. Tally ho! This is a fabulous Bordeaux, Stephen, just amazing.’
‘I know,’ said Stephen, emptying the bottle into Moray’s glass and going into the kitchen to open another.
‘You should be—’ began Pamela.
Lilian leant over.
‘Excuse me, dear, I am a trifle deaf, but would I be right in thinking that you’ve donated these lovely bottles tonight? Almost like rent, isn’t it?’
Pamela looked at her, startled.
‘Oh yes,’ said Lilian. ‘This is my house. For now. Of course you’re making my great-niece homeless with her baby, but I shan’t hold that against you.’
Pamela stuck out her jaw.
‘I’m only claiming what’s rightfully mine,’ she said. ‘I’m the eldest. I was born first.’
‘Oh no, quite,’ said Lilian, patting her gently on the arm and giving the impression of being the loveliest, sweetest old lady in the world. ‘Of course. You do what’s right.’
Tina put down her fork and cleared her throat.
‘So, we’re really glad you’re all able to come to the wedding next Saturday,’ she said. (She and Rosie had hurriedly made an invitation for Roy and dropped it in to his surgery. It had said ‘Venue tbc’.) ‘Of course, we’re just putting the final touches—’
All of a sudden Roy stood up. He made quite a lot of noise doing so.
‘Oh it’s nice to be getting out and about again. After, you know. That business.’
‘With the scout hut?’ said Rosie. Roy looked confused.
‘No.’
‘With trying to knock down the sweetshop to build a car park?’
‘No.’
‘With trying to close the village school?’
‘No,’ said Roy, swaying slightly. ‘I can’t imagine why anyone would have had a problem with any of those things.’
He took another gulp of wine. Rosie was aware of Stephen wincing as the beautiful vintage, thick and dense and full of flavour, and so rich she herself could only sip at it, was swilled down Roy’s shiny gullet.
‘NO!’ said Roy, suddenly loud. ‘I mean things that have happened to ME. Like that old witch.’
‘Who, me?’ said Lilian.
‘No, not you,’ said Roy. ‘No, the WITCH. Laura.’
‘Laura? Your wife Laura?’ said Rosie.
Roy brought his fist down hard on the table.
‘My EX-wife Laura. My soon-to-be-EX-wife. She bloody left me! ME! With my swimming pool. I do triathlons, you know.’
‘We do know,’ said Tina.
‘And I think that’s amazing,’ said Pamela.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Rosie. She was. He looked so miserable. ‘I didn’t know she’d left you.’
‘Nobody knows,’ said Roy. Then, as if realising he’d just told half the village, he looked round the table balefully. ‘So don’t tell them, right? I’m going to say I chucked her out. Like she deserved! Witch.’
‘I cannot imagine why she left him,’ whispered Stephen in Rosie’s ear. She kicked him.
‘I did her teeth for free! For free!’
Pamela patted him on the shoulder.
‘Sssh,’ she said comfortingly. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘But she’s going to take all my money!’
‘We’ll find you a good lawyer,’ said Pamela. ‘Trust me, I’ve dated hundreds of them, and they were all completely evil sharks. Perfect for you.’
Roy nodded.
‘She says I’ve ruined her life.’
‘Well, maybe you’ll feel better if you make her a nice fair settlement,’ suggested Rosie.
Roy looked at her.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. She’s made me totally miserable by leaving me, so I will give her nothing.’
‘I’m glad they’ve made it so easy to get divorced,’ said Lilian. ‘Makes everyone so much happier.’
Rosie gave her a look. Then something occurred to her.
‘Do you know what would be great?’ she said suddenly, pouring Roy some more wine. ‘You should have a big party. Celebrate with all your friends. A divorce party.’
