The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty
Page 42
"Ah, but how should we be punished?" she asked. "Would it be the village?" She dropped her voice as she said it.
"And who has told you about the village?" he asked, a little surprised. "It could be the village..." he was thinking... "but no favorite of the Queen of the Crown Prince has ever been cast out into the village. But we won't be caught, and if we are I shall say I gagged you, forced you. You should suffer at most a few days in the Hall of Punishments, and what happens to me does not matter. And you must swear to me you will let me take all the blame, or I shall gag you, and carry you back and chain you up immediately."
Beauty bowed her head.
"I brought you here. I shall be punished if we're caught. That must be a rule between us. No arguments from you."
"Yes, my Prince," she whispered.
"No, don't say this to me," he pleaded. "I had not meant to command you. I'm Alexi to you, and nothing more than that, and I am sorry if I was harsh, only I cannot lead you into terrible punishment. Do as I ask because...because..."
"Because I adore you, Alexi," she said.
"Ah, Beauty, you are my love, my love," he answered. He kissed her again. "Now you must tell me, what are your thoughts, why do you suffer so?"
"Why do I suffer? But don't you see it with your own eyes? Did I forget for one moment that you were watching me tonight? You see what was done to me, what is done to you, what is..."
"Of course I watched you and was glad of the pleasure of it," he said. "Did you not enjoy seeing me paddled by the Crown Prince and did you not enjoy seeing me punished in the Great Hall when you were first brought in? What would you do if I told you I spilt the wine that first day so that you would notice me?"
She was stunned.
"I ask you why you suffer. I don't mean what you suffer from the paddle, or the relentless games of our Lords and Ladies. I mean what do you suffer in your heart? Why are you in such conflict? What prevents you from yielding?"
"Have you yielded?" she demanded, slightly angry.
"Of course," he said easily. "I adore the Queen and I adore pleasing her. I adore all those who torment me, because I must. It is profoundly simple."
"And you feel no pain, no humiliation?"
"I feel much pain and much humiliation. And that will never stop. If it did, even for a little while, our endlessly clever masters and mistresses would think of some new way to make us feel it. Do you think I was not humiliated in the Great Hall to be upended by Felix and spanked before an entire Court, and so casually, and for so little? I am a powerful Prince, my father is a powerful King. I never forget it. And surely it was painful to be so roughly treated by the Crown Prince for your benefit. And he thought it would make you love me less!"
"He was wrong, so wrong!" Beauty said, but she sat up and put her hands to the sides of her head in consternation. She loved them both that was the misery of it, the Crown Prince whom even now she could envision with his lean white face and those immaculate hands and those dark eyes so full of turbulence and dissatisfaction. It had been an agony to her that he had not taken her to his bed after the Bridle Path.
"I want to help you because I love you," Alexi said. "I want to guide you. You are in rebellion."
"Yes, but not always," she admitted in a vague whisper, looking off, as if she were suddenly ashamed to admit it. "I have...so many feelings."
"Tell me," he said with authority.
"Well, tonight...the rose, the last little pink but...whey did I pick it up in my teeth and offer it to Lady Juliana? Why? She had been so cruel to me."
"You wanted to please her. She is your mistress. You are a slave. The highest thing that you can do is please, so you sought to do it, and not only in response to her paddling and her commands, but in that moment of your own will."
"Ah, yes," said Beauty, that was it. "And...on the Bridle Path, how can I confess it, I felt some release in myself as if I were no longer locked in struggle, I was just a slave, a poor, desperate slave who must strive, strive purely."
"You are eloquent," he said with feeling. "You know much already."
"But I don't want to feel this. I want to rebel in my heart, I want to steel myself against them. They torment me endlessly. My Prince, were he the only one..."
"But even if he were, he would find new ways to torment you, and he is not the only one. But tell me why you don't wish to give in to them."
"Well, surely you know. Didn't you rebel? Don't you? Why, Leon said of you there is a core in you which no one touches."
"Nonsense. I merely know and accept everything. There is no resistance."
"But how can it be?"
"Beauty, you must learn it. You must accept and yield, and then you shall see everything is simple."
"I would not be here with you if I yielded because the Prince..."
"Yes, you could be here with me. I adore my Queen and I am here with you. I love you both. I yield to that entirely as well as everything else and even the knowledge I may be punished. And when I am punished, I shall dread it, and suffer it and understand it and accept it. Beauty, when you accept it you will flower in the pain, you will flower in your suffering."
"There was a girl ahead of me in line last night who ran the Bridle Path just before me. She was resigned, wasn't she?" Beauty asked.
"No, forget about her, she is nothing, that is Princess Claire and she is silly and playful and always was and feels nothing. She has no depth, no great mystery. But you have these and you will always suffer more than she does."
"But does everyone sooner or later acquire this ability to accept?"
"No, some never do, but it is very hard to tell who has attained it. I can tell, but our masters are not always so wise, I can assure you. For example, Felix told me yesterday you saw Princess Lizetta strung up in the Hall of Punishments. Do you think she is resigned?"
"Certainly not!"
"Ah, but she is, and she is a great and valuable slave Princess. But Princess Lizetta adores being bound up, being unable to move, and when she is greatly bored, she endures the displeasure of her betters, the better to amuse them by letting them punish her."
"Ah, no, you can't be serious."
"Yes, I can. That is her way. All slaves have their way. And you must find yours. It will never be easy for you. You will suffer much before you know it, but don't you see that on the Bridle Path and tonight when you gave the rose to Lady Juliana you felt the beginnings of it. Princess Lizetta is a struggler. You shall be a yielder, much as I am. That shall be your way, exquisite and personal devotion. Great calm, great serenity. In time perhaps you will see other slaves who are exemplary in this. Prince Tristan, for example, the slave of Lord Stefan, is incomparable. His Lord is in love with him as the Prince is with you, which makes it both difficult and simple."
"And who has told you about the village?" he asked, a little surprised. "It could be the village..." he was thinking... "but no favorite of the Queen of the Crown Prince has ever been cast out into the village. But we won't be caught, and if we are I shall say I gagged you, forced you. You should suffer at most a few days in the Hall of Punishments, and what happens to me does not matter. And you must swear to me you will let me take all the blame, or I shall gag you, and carry you back and chain you up immediately."
Beauty bowed her head.
"I brought you here. I shall be punished if we're caught. That must be a rule between us. No arguments from you."
"Yes, my Prince," she whispered.
"No, don't say this to me," he pleaded. "I had not meant to command you. I'm Alexi to you, and nothing more than that, and I am sorry if I was harsh, only I cannot lead you into terrible punishment. Do as I ask because...because..."
"Because I adore you, Alexi," she said.
"Ah, Beauty, you are my love, my love," he answered. He kissed her again. "Now you must tell me, what are your thoughts, why do you suffer so?"
"Why do I suffer? But don't you see it with your own eyes? Did I forget for one moment that you were watching me tonight? You see what was done to me, what is done to you, what is..."
"Of course I watched you and was glad of the pleasure of it," he said. "Did you not enjoy seeing me paddled by the Crown Prince and did you not enjoy seeing me punished in the Great Hall when you were first brought in? What would you do if I told you I spilt the wine that first day so that you would notice me?"
She was stunned.
"I ask you why you suffer. I don't mean what you suffer from the paddle, or the relentless games of our Lords and Ladies. I mean what do you suffer in your heart? Why are you in such conflict? What prevents you from yielding?"
"Have you yielded?" she demanded, slightly angry.
"Of course," he said easily. "I adore the Queen and I adore pleasing her. I adore all those who torment me, because I must. It is profoundly simple."
"And you feel no pain, no humiliation?"
"I feel much pain and much humiliation. And that will never stop. If it did, even for a little while, our endlessly clever masters and mistresses would think of some new way to make us feel it. Do you think I was not humiliated in the Great Hall to be upended by Felix and spanked before an entire Court, and so casually, and for so little? I am a powerful Prince, my father is a powerful King. I never forget it. And surely it was painful to be so roughly treated by the Crown Prince for your benefit. And he thought it would make you love me less!"
"He was wrong, so wrong!" Beauty said, but she sat up and put her hands to the sides of her head in consternation. She loved them both that was the misery of it, the Crown Prince whom even now she could envision with his lean white face and those immaculate hands and those dark eyes so full of turbulence and dissatisfaction. It had been an agony to her that he had not taken her to his bed after the Bridle Path.
"I want to help you because I love you," Alexi said. "I want to guide you. You are in rebellion."
"Yes, but not always," she admitted in a vague whisper, looking off, as if she were suddenly ashamed to admit it. "I have...so many feelings."
"Tell me," he said with authority.
"Well, tonight...the rose, the last little pink but...whey did I pick it up in my teeth and offer it to Lady Juliana? Why? She had been so cruel to me."
"You wanted to please her. She is your mistress. You are a slave. The highest thing that you can do is please, so you sought to do it, and not only in response to her paddling and her commands, but in that moment of your own will."
"Ah, yes," said Beauty, that was it. "And...on the Bridle Path, how can I confess it, I felt some release in myself as if I were no longer locked in struggle, I was just a slave, a poor, desperate slave who must strive, strive purely."
"You are eloquent," he said with feeling. "You know much already."
"But I don't want to feel this. I want to rebel in my heart, I want to steel myself against them. They torment me endlessly. My Prince, were he the only one..."
"But even if he were, he would find new ways to torment you, and he is not the only one. But tell me why you don't wish to give in to them."
"Well, surely you know. Didn't you rebel? Don't you? Why, Leon said of you there is a core in you which no one touches."
"Nonsense. I merely know and accept everything. There is no resistance."
"But how can it be?"
"Beauty, you must learn it. You must accept and yield, and then you shall see everything is simple."
"I would not be here with you if I yielded because the Prince..."
"Yes, you could be here with me. I adore my Queen and I am here with you. I love you both. I yield to that entirely as well as everything else and even the knowledge I may be punished. And when I am punished, I shall dread it, and suffer it and understand it and accept it. Beauty, when you accept it you will flower in the pain, you will flower in your suffering."
"There was a girl ahead of me in line last night who ran the Bridle Path just before me. She was resigned, wasn't she?" Beauty asked.
"No, forget about her, she is nothing, that is Princess Claire and she is silly and playful and always was and feels nothing. She has no depth, no great mystery. But you have these and you will always suffer more than she does."
"But does everyone sooner or later acquire this ability to accept?"
"No, some never do, but it is very hard to tell who has attained it. I can tell, but our masters are not always so wise, I can assure you. For example, Felix told me yesterday you saw Princess Lizetta strung up in the Hall of Punishments. Do you think she is resigned?"
"Certainly not!"
"Ah, but she is, and she is a great and valuable slave Princess. But Princess Lizetta adores being bound up, being unable to move, and when she is greatly bored, she endures the displeasure of her betters, the better to amuse them by letting them punish her."
"Ah, no, you can't be serious."
"Yes, I can. That is her way. All slaves have their way. And you must find yours. It will never be easy for you. You will suffer much before you know it, but don't you see that on the Bridle Path and tonight when you gave the rose to Lady Juliana you felt the beginnings of it. Princess Lizetta is a struggler. You shall be a yielder, much as I am. That shall be your way, exquisite and personal devotion. Great calm, great serenity. In time perhaps you will see other slaves who are exemplary in this. Prince Tristan, for example, the slave of Lord Stefan, is incomparable. His Lord is in love with him as the Prince is with you, which makes it both difficult and simple."
