The Damned

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FOUR
She'd watched dawn come in as she lay on her sofa, glad that she'd been able to get the family to give in to her need to be alone despite the attack. There was no reason for them to worry about her falling asleep. Fat chance of that after everything had jumped off. Add a serious case of bad nerves to the fact that she had been up almost all night with them, deep in strategy at the dining room table, her not being alert should have been the least of their worries. She needed space to think.
By the time she'd dragged her weary, ragged body home, fending off complete protest from the team, she was simply ready to drop. She'd thought she'd never get out of there, though, when Yonnie allowed his voice to descend to a purposeful octave and calmly asked if she wanted an escort home. Not.
The .only reason she didn't make a big production out of telling him to back off was that Tara would have been embarrassed, and this was just some Yonnie, master vampire, bullshit to get under her girlfriend's skin in front of Rider, who apparently had an attitude about Tara's glimpse at both Rider and Carlos. But the team bugging hard about it had frayed her last nerve.
The point everyone seemed to miss was as long as Carlos was handling his business, Yonnie would never step to her, out of respect and because he and Carlos were fam... But if Carlos ever stopped handling his business, well... It was the way of the vamp world. That was what had bristled Tara, and the message Yonnie was trying to send - that he had options. Both of them were crazy.
Oh, yeah, there had to be some seriously dark energy afloat. Damali rubbed her eyes and tried to wake up fully. But personal issues, lusts, struggles, whatever, paled in comparison to what they were up against. She had to remain clear about that.
After the conversation with Father Patrick, she didn't have enough energy to try to wrangle with the Neteru Queens. But once she recharged her mental battery, she'd try to make contact with Nzinga to learn more.
Bottom line was, she had to figure out how to locate Lilith and the Chairman. Up till now, she really hadn't been hunting them; she'd just been trying to heal herself and her team. She now wondered how much of that was because of the dark energy that had been released, and it made her question whether or not she'd been wrongly focused on her own immediate concerns, versus her overall mission as a Neteru. Had her plan been logical - retreat and get strong, then get back into the fight?
That's what unnerved her, not knowing if her logic was sound, her strategy tight. She was now also beginning to question her intense desire to live away from the team. Was that just a normal evolution of her growth as a woman and a Neteru, or something motivated by deep, hidden, selfish reasons?
She let her breath out hard and closed her eyes. What she'd seen and had come to learn now made sense. She kept reminding herself not to be judgmental. Father Patrick had said this open portal mess with bad vibes floating around affected everyone differently.
First things first: get Carlos up and sober, then fill him in. Rider and Shabazz had committed to getting him up and pouring coffee into his gullet. Mike and Inez had to be found, and they had to get on a flight back home, and once home, get debriefed. Salt supplies had to be reinforced to do roofs, windows, doors, and the house perimeter - a FedEx shipment was on the way from Stateside clerical Covenant contacts.
They still had to figure out a way to lock in on the Chairman, and for that, Carlos Rivera had to be in his clear and present mind and stop avoiding his role as a pivotal team seer. But now that the team knew what it was up against, sensing for it would be a little easier. Maybe.
The new day's light hovered over her like the comfortable old blanket she'd curled up under on her living room couch. She rubbed her cheek against it.
Slowly sitting up and then standing, Damali allowed the blanket to trail behind her as she walked to the bathroom to splash water on her face and brush her teeth. She didn't bother to turn on the light and draped the blanket around her shoulders like a poncho as she stared into the mirror. She hadn't even taken off her clothes and was still wearing the bright orange T-shirt and faded jeans she'd had on the night before.
Weariness made her limbs heavy. She padded quietly toward the kitchen in her socks. For all the protest about needing her personal space, it had always been her intention to christen her brand-new bed with Carlos. Then the walking dead had showed up at her door. A real groove buster.
A hot mug of tea was in order. By rote, she reached up into her brand-new cabinets, found a box of green tea, and began preparing a mug by drizzling raw honey over the organic tea bag and then flipping on the burner beneath the kettle. All of a sudden she smelled metal and snatched the kettle off the flame.
Oh, yeah, water. Everything was brand-spanking new. Nothing in her new house was old and worn and comfortable or broken in, except. Jose's blanket.
Angry hisses and sputters sounded from the sink as Damali turned on the faucet and filled the kettle, then stood by the stove, watching the blue flame tickle the bottom of it. Too much heat without enough water... Leo flame hadn't respected the Scorpio water. Carlos had a point; she wasn't big on the solitude of majestic Arizona, either.
Soon steam rose from the small hole in the kettle's spout, letting out a soft whistle. The fusion of heat and water had changed the two elements into something else. It created a sound - a high, whining rush of transformation. She turned off the burner. What was she missing? she thought as she dunked the teabag in and out of the water.
Pulling her blanket closer around her, she walked through the kitchen to the back deck. She needed air, to be outside. Probably as much as Carlos needed his own environment, something familiar, something that gave him some measure of control over whatever was going on in his life. Here, he didn't have that.
Footsteps down the side path made her straighten her body, wipe her face angrily, and spin on the intruder.
"Yo, D," Jose said. "You okay?" He hesitated and looked at her tear-streaked face. "After last night, and a lot of the things you told us while Carlos was passed out cold... I was worried." His gaze sought hers and trapped it. "And, if Yonnie happened to fall by to try to mess with your head while you had a lot on your mind, I brought my crossbow to stake his ass in lair in the morning. Hope you don't mind."
She nodded and then laughed self-consciously through the tears. "I move around the corner, and still nobody knocks?" She was glad that he smiled, because the statement wasn't meant as a dig, just a friendly tease. She made a fist and raised it toward the sky. "It's a Navajo-Latino thing, and I wouldn't understand. It's cultural - on the Navajo side, no one owns the land, so it's cool if you just roll up on 'em as long as they're outside. On the Latino side - why use a phone when you can just fall by and see if a sistah is home?"
Jose's smile widened. "Yeah, and a sister got her cultural ways, too. She woulda hollered in my window by now, if I had my own spot - talking about, 'Yo, Jose, wanna go kick some sounds? I got this song in my head! Wake up!' "
"Oh, now, see - you wrong, Jose!"
They both laughed as she ran toward him and gave him a big hug.
"I miss you already," she said, laughing harder as he hugged her tighter. His faded blue plaid shirt and rumpled jeans were a sight for sore eyes.
"You my boo, girl. We should be down at the beach, eating some tacos, Rollerblading, hanging."
"Clubbing!"
He held her away from him with a wide grin. "D, don't tease me like that. This town has one bar with sawdust on the floors, one movie theater, one good diner, one freakin' grocery store, but five ammo shops!"
"And you've gotta drive fifty miles to hit a Wal-Mart to buy some drawers," they said in unison and laughed.
"Brother, I ain't trying to look a gift horse in the mouth or talk about your people's land, but - "
"D, it's a one-horse town. You ain't gotta tell me."
Again they laughed, and she slung her arm over his shoulder like old times.
"Remind me why we came here again?" Damali said, giving Jose a wink.
"Something about some vampire friends of yours," he said, laughing as they made their way back into the house.
"Oh, so now it's on me?" Damali stopped in the kitchen and folded her arms.
"Yep, fearless leader. See, me, I woulda risked the hotel circuit till we could build in Malibu or Beverly Hills or some-freakin'-where other than here."
"Stop lying, Jose," she said, laughing harder. "How were we gonna keep all the kids in the house, straight and safe?"
"Yes, Mommy dearest," he said, bowing his head slightly, then looking up with a mischievous smirk. "But in a minute, they're gonna get one helluva education all cramped in that rickety house of Pop's."
Damali cocked her head to the side. Jose laughed and ran his palm over his hair.
"Your girl made Big Mike some ribs the other night before they announced another Houston trip, and uh - "
"Noooo..." Damali covered her mouth.
"Shabazz been in there doing Kung Fu on tables and shit," Jose said, laughing. "Anything wood is fair game for a brother's tension. Lost sections of the dining room in the backyard. So when Mike split, him and Mar was out a few nights ago. Marlene and Shabazz left this morning, too. You been missing a lot of drama while being over here checking on contractors, fixing stuff up, and then when you finally pulled out of the minicompound all hell broke loose." He laughed harder. "I don't know where they are now, truthfully. After you ran it all down and left, we started losing household. Guess everybody needed somewhere to go chill."
She covered her face and laughed out loud. "Oh, my God!"
"Berkfield ain't no punk, either. Rolled right after Shabazz and Marlene got ghost."
"Marjorie and Richard split and left their kids? You have got to be lying!" Damali walked in a circle, the blankets swishing behind her like a royal robe. "Everybody's all right, though? Nobody's seen anything weird and been touched by anybody outside of the house, right? For real, Jose." Her laughter had gone, her expression was tight.
"Naw," he said, giving her a hug. "They cool. Just blowing off steam like we always do before going into another big battle." He chuckled low. "You know that gladiator-type shit... good meal, good woman, good night's sleep, then get strapped and go to war."
She immediately relaxed and put her head on his shoulder. Jose's warmth felt so good, just like his hands against her back did. "All right. I'll stop being mother hen."
"Good," he murmured, rubbing her spine. "You're too tense, though I can understand why."
"You always make me feel better when crazy shit is going down," she said, sighing from the knots he was unfurling in her back. "Damn, that feels good."
He breathed out a contented sigh, and the warmth of it rippled through her hair. "It's all good, D. You ain't hear this from me, but earlier this week, Rider put a rifle on his lap while we was all playing cards and gave J.L. the eye. Gave him the don't-try-it-while-her-pop-is-out big-brother thing, feel me? That old equipment shed behind the house got stories we'll all take to our graves, but if J.L. had lost his mind and taken a walk in the moonlight with Miss Kris, and Rider had been roasted enough to try to stop a martial artist on a mission - hey, he mighta whupped Rider's ass. The house is a powder keg, D. I think the only thing that kept J.L. chill was the girl's brother ain't warmed up to the concept yet, and Dan has Bobby's back - so."
"Lawd have mercy." Damali shook her head and left Jose's loose embrace to go turn on the kettle again. "See, that's why a sistah had to be out."
"I can dig it," Jose said with a smirk. "Don't worry about your boy, Carlos, either. Rider had his back. That's why I came by, so you wouldn't worry. Brother is still fell out on the porch swing and sleeping it off, so like I said, it's all good."
The mirth peeled away from her once more. Oh, no, not yet. They had been back, the old them, now the moment had evaporated like steam.
While she appreciated Jose's update on Carlos's whereabouts, she really wasn't ready to interject that into the happiness he'd brought through her door. Mention of Carlos meant that she had to think about the thing she was trying not to think about. In a roundabout way, Jose had given her a full account of where everybody had been, except he and Juanita... Not that that was her business. And then she'd have to think about all sorts of other things, which returned her to the concept of sharing, which she'd successfully banished for five minutes of free thought. So she did what Marlene always did when the subject matter got thick, made tea.
"I've got green, mint, uh, strawberry, echinacea, uh, golden seal, and - "
"Mint's cool, but you got any Joe in the house?"
"Coffee, oh, yeah, sure. I forgot that you and Rider don't do herbals first thing, uh, not sure where it is, umm..." She sounded like a mad hatter, and knew it, but couldn't stop herself as she banged open cabinets and shut them, moving in jerky, confused, starts and stops.
"It's cool, D," Jose said, his voice mellow and amused as he neared her. "It really is cool."
His hands on her shoulders stopped her desperate search for coffee grounds. It stilled her body, but made her mind fly out of her ears and her heart nearly pound out of her chest. A simple nod without turning to face him was all that she could manage, and she understood what he meant by it all being cool - problem was, it wasn't.
"I'm glad you liked the blanket," he said quietly, his body close enough to hers to allow her to feel the heat of it adding to the blanket in its own distinct layer. "I kept it on my bed for years... and, uh, wanted to give you something that always comforted me when I was alone."
Oh, shit, she was gonna have a heart attack. No words formed in her mind or her mouth. Her vocal chords were frozen. She could only wrap the blanket closer to her body to both stave off the shiver his statement had produced and to acknowledge how sensual an act giving her the blanket had been. It was a profound gift, something to be cherished, and it had been offered with enough measure of respect, without totally crossing the invisible line. But the gesture was also beginning to print a license for him to do that. All those nights when he'd wanted her... wrapped in this... Didn't he understand that she was also a tactical sensor! His hands on her shoulders and touching the threads, was making the fabric practically come alive around her like a caress. Plus, hombre had a little vamp in him, too... Oh, Lord... Everything she was feeling the night before while standing in front of the refrigerator was waking up inside her.
"D, I have a confession to make," he said quietly, "and I hope you won't be mad at me."
She swallowed hard and was barely breathing. His hands trailed down her arms, but he might as well have run them down her back.
"I wouldn't have stopped by if I thought Carlos was here... I mean, unannounced like this."
She closed her eyes. "I know," she whispered.
He leaned his chin on her shoulder, his warm breaths coating her neck, making small tingles run down her spine and setting a slow smolder to her throat. He smelled clean, masculine clean, with an Ivory Soap foundation that she'd just begun to notice. She stood there, immobile, separating the scents of him in delicate layers. Mint mouthwash, Ivory Soap, shampoo, male chemical pheromone... Until this moment, she hadn't really understood just how sensual a creature Jose was... at least not the way he was making her understand it now.
"I don't know how to say it," he murmured and then sighed.
She kept her back straight and her body extremely still, not sure whether she should melt into the invitation and close the sliver of space between them. She struggled with a response. She couldn't say that honesty had always been theirs, because they'd been lying about this very thing to each other, as well as to themselves, for years. The word trust came to mind, and she seized upon it.
"We've always been able to trust each other," she finally whispered, "even when we weren't sure of anything else."
He nodded and laid his cheek on her shoulder to replace his chin, and wrapped his arms around her to gather her hands where she clutched the blanket. His fingers twined with hers and he let his breath out hard again. "I love you, D..."
Her response was a thick swallow. Oh, shit ...
"Like in a way I can't explain... it's that trust thing you said. I want us to stay friends, like the way we were just laughing outside. Do you know what I mean?"
She opened her eyes wide, glad he couldn't see the shocked expression on her face. Friends. Friends? Yeah, cool, right, exactly. Friends were a good thing, this was a friend-loving-closeness-hug, not a man-soon-to-be-a-lover-in-about-two-seconds-hug... Oh, my God, she would have been too embarrassed. The portals needed to be vacuum sealed, not just closed, if the mess had her acting like this!
"See, I know, from time to time, things between us would kinda get thick, and that was my fault," he said quietly on a soft expulsion of air. "D, I'm sorry I took you there and made you uncomfortable in the house, ya know?"
She nodded quickly. "No, it's cool, Jose, we - "
"No, girl," he said gently. "Let me finish and get this out, once and for all."
Damali pressed her lips closed and stared wide-eyed at the cabinets.
"I just have so much fun with you, we click so good together, when we make music, compose, do the stage it's like... like I can't even talk about it. And we know each other so well... like we can finish each other's sentences, and, God knows, you're beautiful... But I had to get over it. You didn't feel that way toward me. Carlos was the only brother that made you feel that, and I had to respect that. Had to suck it up. That was my own head-trip, and I was about to lose somebody real important in my life because I couldn't accept the way things were. In fact, he's cool people, too. I was about to create some drama in the house, and half of me was wondering if I was what made you move so you didn't have to deal with that. I'm sorry, if I put you in a position. That's what I truthfully came by to tell you, since you were all alone in here and we could really be real."
He lifted his head and turned her around slowly to face him. Her eyes sought the floor, but he put a finger under her chin to lift her head.
"D, if I was the reason you moved out, come home once the compound is built and there's real living space. If not, cool. But if I had anything to do with it, I'm sorry."
She shook her head no, too rattled to immediately say a word. "No, Jose, it wasn't your fault, and there's never been a reason for you to apologize to me about anything. I moved out because it was just time, ya know? I've never been on my own and wanted to see what that felt like."
He smiled and kissed her forehead. "Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Sometimes it's fun, and sometimes it's lonely as shit. Like everything else, it ain't perfect."
She gave him a platonic hug and shooed away the heat that he still produced in her body. The daggone blanket was cursed. She smiled inwardly. Nah, it was blessed. It was her crazy brain that was twisted.
Jose awkwardly pulled away and turned off the burner on the stove. "Kettle's been singing now for about five minutes."
Damali glanced at it, feeling warmth creep to her cheeks. "My bad?"
"I know," he said with a wry smile. "I didn't hear it, either."
They looked at each other, a silent understanding passing between them.
"It's time to turn the flame down before the kettle burns."
She nodded and slipped around him to find two clean mugs. Oh, shit. She nodded as she walked. "Good idea. Oh, yeah, you wanted coffee. Ummm... where did Marj put - "
"You got a pop or some iced tea?"
She stopped, looked at him, and went to the fridge. "I drank out of this," she said quickly and shoved the iced tea back onto the shelf. "But - "
"That's fine," Jose said, leaning against the sink. "I'll share your spit while you share my blanket."
She held the iced tea midair. "You want a glass?"
"Do I need one?"
"No."
He stopped smiling for a second, took the pitcher from her, and turned it up to his mouth. After a long swig, he shoved it back into the refrigerator and wiped his mouth on the back of his shirtsleeve. "We do it like this in the house behind Marlene's back any ole way." Then he burst out laughing.
She was so shocked that it took her a second to laugh with him. It wasn't the tea confession that had paralyzed her; it was all the double meanings and the sheer sensuality of the way he'd done it, like a quiet striptease. His vamp roots were showing; all that was missing was a little hint of fang. She couldn't tell if he was just messing with her or serious, but the whole thing jacked with her mind. Laughter was a good cover and a good release, just as it had always been between them. She made herself laugh very, very hard.
"I'd better go," Jose said, still chuckling. He kissed her cheek and began walking through the house.
"Tell everybody I said hi."
"Yep," he said, and gave her a wink. "Maybe if I go back to bed, I won't be put in the doghouse."
Damali straightened, every hair on her neck bristled. "Oh, puh-lease," she said as upbeat as possible. "Who's gonna put you in the doghouse?"
" 'Nita. Just promise me you won't floss that blanket around her, okay? I know y'all have beef, but do that for me to keep the peace, boo? She's still a little salty about the fact that I insisted you have it, since it came off my bed... Women can be so superstitious and territorial, but, uh, it's cool. However, there's a limit to what y'all will and will not tolerate, and a brother being AWOL first light, is one of 'em." He kissed her quick and winked at her again. "I'm out."
She waved, smiled, even laughed a little, and then leaned on the doorframe and watched him jog down the path, but he picked up the pace to a flat-out haul-ass once he hit the road. That annoyed her to no end. He was running for Juanita so the heifer wouldn't be pissed. Damali briefly closed her eyes.
She had to let it go. But at this insane moment she didn't want to share him, at least not his laughter, or whatever. Then, she had to get real.
He'd braved being cut off and returned to monk status; he'd brought her his blanket, dashed to her house at dawn to deliver a message... five miles down the road, no car to wake up the house.
This was private, between them, another gift to be tucked away in her mental cedar chest, black box. This same man had let fate cut out his heart, but still was a soldier. This same man had ridden like a bat out of Hell on a bike to save her from said same. This man had handed her a pile of ashes when it really mattered most, an act that he knew would probably change his world - but he did it anyway. He'd allowed her team to build a life on his land... had provided always when it counted most... didn't come home drunk. He'd sipped her iced tea, shared spit and shared a blanket, said he loved her, added the caveat about being her friend to keep it smooth, and then walked. Went home to where he was supposed to be, and didn't make a false move. Damn... what a man. Juanita had better recognize. That shit Jose just pulled had wet her drawers. If that girl ever broke his heart... Oh, no, Juanita had better be clear; Jose was a gift from God.
With an exhausted sigh, Damali hugged the blanket closer and simply allowed herself to feel just a little bit sad.
She went into the house, glanced around at the open, bright space, and still felt like she was imprisoned. She couldn't run far or fast enough from the feelings that had shaken her. As long as there was evil on the planet, she would never find peace. Peace was a hard commodity to come by, just like privacy and a chance to explore new things like a normal human being was... and the right to make a few mistakes along the way.
In this very moment, she hated sharing her entire life with the planet. Jose had made her wonder what it might be like to do something truly selfish, just for a little while.
Damali quickly banished the thought, but it crept back slowly, regardless. Maybe it was the effect of everyone living in close quarters for months? The house down the road had been a real nightmare of too many people under one roof. That had to be part of it. Everything had been so crazy it was laughable. Almost. She walked through her small house, picked up her mug, added fresh hot water to it, and went out onto the back deck to stare at the surrounding mountains. Her head felt like it was about to explode.
Marlene and Shabazz had one bedroom; Mr. and Mrs. Berkfield had the other. The team had quickly constructed two triple-level bunk beds and wedged a cot into one room for the guys. Necessity was the mother, or father, of invention and was all that was available for the formally unpaired men in the house, so that Carlos, J.L., and Jose could be on one side of the room in a bunk, Big Mike, Dan, and Bobby Berkfield could be on the other, with Rider's cot wedged against a wall in the submarine-size enclave. Ridiculous.
A brawl was imminent, if things didn't change. It wasn't much better for the ladies' room. She and Inez had been bunkmates, like an adult summer-camp arrangement, while Juanita and Kristen shared a double bunk bed.
True, that wasn't as intense as the guys' room, but the claws came out after the first week. What was personal space? They might as well have rented out a matchbox, and after a while, everybody gave up protecting their small spot of territory. Sharing, coping, having one's space invaded were constants; missing clothes, toiletries, combs, and brushes were standard. A black hole in the universe opened and swallowed things in the confusion. It was impossible to find anything, forget about going out unwrinkled or a quick change, and one virtually had to take a number and wait in the hall to pee. If you got hot water, you had to say thank you, Jesus. The guys gave up shaving, unless it was on the back porch using a coffee mug, hand mirror, and good judgment.
Sharing was the watchword of each and every day. Damali sipped her tea. What the heck were they being prepared for now? Or was this it - the prelude to something even worse, like living in caves of huddled humanity during a planetary wipeout from On High? Anything this intense was always a sign. If they closed the portals, delivered the book, and got the job done, then what? There was always a reason more than the obvious.
But that was just the problem; she didn't feel like sharing, especially if the future looked so grim. Damali sipped her hot tea more deeply and watched the steam from it curl up from the surface with fury. As far back as she could remember she'd had to share everything.
While in foster care, she'd had to share clothes - hand-me-downs to be more exact. She'd had to share someone else's parents. Ultimately, when she'd run away, she had to share a sofa in Carlos's mother's home, and Lord knows share a bathroom, share chores, meals, the one telephone in the house, share all. Then the Guardians found her, and she had to share living space to a point beyond ridiculous. Had to share all her hopes and dreams and aspirations with the public through her music, and share her life and fate with the greater good of the world as a Neteru. Had to share her privacy with relentless, hounding media. She wasn't even going to think about the money they all shared. That was the only thing she didn't mind putting into the communal pot.
But there were some things that were still so difficult to share, like Marlene's attention and affection, the only real mother she'd ever known, was once all hers... after Christine became Raven. But now Marlene was to be shared by new, younger Guardiansand whatever was left was split between Shabazz and worry for Kamal. That was okay, she supposed. However, a sigh still brushed past her lips as she blew on her tea to cool it. At least Kristen still had her mom. For all her kooky, overzealous ways, Marjorie Berkfield was a good mom to have.
Her best girlfriend, Inez, was shared with a baby - but she'd never lost her friend in all that. Inez was always available to laugh and talk with, even if she'd never before told Inez about her crazy life. That was not what they shared; it was the love. A pure girlfriend-to-the-bone love that was very distinct from Marlene's mother-love, which never competed with the baby's needs - they both loved Inez's tiny boo.
Yet it was so odd that, with the little one safely stashed in Houston at Inez's mom's new place, and even living under the same roof with her best cut-buddy on the planet - who now knew all, and knew why she'd never been told about her secret life before, she felt further away from Inez than she ever had. Inez was now shared with her Big Mike, and although she was happy for both of them, she missed Mike's hugs, his doting concern, and most assuredly his laughter that now seemed reserved for Inez. Mike had been her big teddy bear. Now, she had to give him up to 'Nez.
Truthfully, all her brothers had been shared away... J.L. was now Krissy's, Dan and Bobby were best buds; Shabazz and Berkfield were ironically getting tight as the two most-married men in the house with live-in wives. Marlene and Marjorie had that to share between them. Inez and Big Mike had the new bloom of love. Rider had a pain so deep that he nursed it in a bottle of Jack Daniel's... so gone were the days of the two-by-two details and solo talks they'd shared. And then there was Jose.
She tucked the thought closer to her as the wind caught the end of her blanket and made her hold it more firmly. She did not feel like sharing him, with of all people, Carlos's old girlfriend. She missed Jose enough to bring tears.
Morose thoughts continued to fill her head as she quietly sipped her tea and looked out toward the vast canyon walls. Why couldn't Carlos understand that she'd needed the space to think all this out? She'd shared her mind with Carlos, her body with him, even her heartbeat and her soul. All she was asking for was a little time to make the mental transition to sharing the rest of her life with him. First, before she did that on a permanent basis, she'd wanted to see what it was like to not have to share every fiber of her being with someone. She had no concept of what it might be like to keep a little of self in reserve. Up till now she'd been a love-to-the-bone, give-it-up-to-the-bone, max-it-out kinda sister.
There had to be a way to find herself within all the layers of the shared one. Now the Covenant was telling her for real to share the world, and her man was drunk as a skunk, and she couldn't even share the burden with him.
It brought tears to her eyes to realize just how angry she was at him for being messed up at a time like this, even though, she knew it was irrational to feel that way. She just couldn't help it.
Sometimes there were so many people and priorities pulling on her, demanding a part of her that she felt schizophrenic or like she had multiple personality disorder. She didn't want to feel stressed like that when she became Mrs. Carlos Rivera. So, today, and for as many days as it took to reintegrate into a sense of balance, she wasn't sharing her living quarters. At least she could demand to keep her body to herself for a little while.
"Shoot," she said quietly toward the canyon. "I even shared my damned Isis long blade with a brother and lost it, for all the good that got me - giving up throat. Was I crazy?"
Damali shut her eyes, becoming peevish at the memory of having the old Neterus strip her of the only thing that seemed to truly be hers. The dagger being returned was a consolation prize, to her mind. But the memory of the long blade made hot tears rise to wet her lashes.
She'd even had to share her child with another female's womb... then subjugate her natural instinct for the good of the world to protect it, and cut what had once been hers out of Lilith's foul body.
Damali hurled her mug of tea over the deck rail. "Don't you ask me to share another fucking thing!" she shouted and then began to sob. Oh, yeah, whatever had begun to seep into the earth's atmosphere was strong.