The Dark Light of Day
Page 90
“Did you ever think of me while you were gone?”
Jake took a deep drag of his cigarette. “Every second of every goddamned day, Bee.” He blew the smoke out into the night.
Jake lifted my chin with his fingers and pressed his soft lips to mine. My entire being reacted to him. Tingles and fire and the sweetest burning. His lips were warm and reassuring. Lips I could lose—and have lost—myself in.
I couldn’t do it again.
I pulled back.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have Georgia to think of.” I stood up. “I don’t know what you want Jake. I don’t know why you’re here, I don’t want you to get to know Georgia and make her love you and then leave because I know what that feels like and I’d rather spare her that torture.”
“I don’t want to leave, Bee,” he said quietly.
“Maybe not now. But you might want to eventually, and I don’t want to put her through that.”
Jake stood and grabbed my wrist. “I don’t want to put either of you through anything.”
I was tired of beating around the bush. I was tired of the secrets.
“But what happens when you get tired of looking at those beautiful green eyes,” I asked him. “What happens when you start to resent her because you wish they were blue instead?”
“Abby, I fucking love you. What don’t you understand about that?”
The word love caught me with my mouth open, and I couldn’t close it.
“You love me?”
“Yes, I fucking love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. But it’s not just you. It’s her, too. I love you both. The second I saw her run to you in the church, I knew she was my daughter.”
“But she’s not your daughter.”
Jake grunted. “You’re not understanding me here. I know I didn’t contribute to her physically.” He paced around the deck. “That’s okay with me.”
“You could change your mind though.”
“The night I came here and she called me her daddy was the best night of my life, no matter how it ended. When she crawled up into my lap, when she wouldn’t let go of my hand... it was love at first sight.”
Suddenly, I understood. The night she crawled onto his lap, the reason why they couldn’t let go of each other. It was love at first sight. That was why he’d gotten so mad when I told him he wasn’t her father.
“So, you really think you can just forget everything that happened between us and start over from scratch?” I asked.
“No, I don’t want to start over from scratch. I want to start from now.”
“How can you want that, after what happened the day you left, after what you said to me?”
“You’re asking how I can forget that you fucked that son of a bitch?”
I cringed. But I still couldn’t tell him the truth. “Yes.”
“I don’t care.” Jake held my face and looked right into my eyes. “I don’t fucking care. I should have stayed. We should have talked about it. I left you for work after the greatest night of my life with no return date. It wasn’t fair, and neither were my accusations. You refusing to talk about what happened, and then you with him on the beach… it made me realize there might be more to the story. But, I don’t have to know it all right now. Does it make me sick to my stomach to think about him touching you? Yes. But the real question is, can we move forward from here? That answer is yes, too. For me, anyway. For four years, all I thought about was coming back to you, but my stupid pride kept me from doing it. I needed the excuse of my father dying before even attempting it. I was such a fucking coward. And you were here the whole time, raising Georgia on your own. Being so brave.”
“It hurt so much when you left, Jake. If there’s a chance that you’ll do that again, well...I can’t have my baby hurt like that, too. I won’t do that to her.” The tears started to fall again. I was going to run out of them soon.
“She won’t hurt, Bee. She’ll be ours. We’ll be a family. I promise I won’t resent her. It’s not even possible. I love her so much.”
“But, you could resent me.”
He eyed me skeptically. “Bee, it’s hard to explain the way I feel. I feel connected, to you and to Georgia, in a way that doesn’t make any of that shit matter anymore. Was I hurt? You better fucking believe it. Do I still have an itchy trigger finger around that son of a bitch? Yes, and that will probably never go away. But, I know I can be good here, with you and her, and that we can find happiness...at least, as much as fucks-ups like us are capable of.”
Jake took a deep drag of his cigarette. “Every second of every goddamned day, Bee.” He blew the smoke out into the night.
Jake lifted my chin with his fingers and pressed his soft lips to mine. My entire being reacted to him. Tingles and fire and the sweetest burning. His lips were warm and reassuring. Lips I could lose—and have lost—myself in.
I couldn’t do it again.
I pulled back.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have Georgia to think of.” I stood up. “I don’t know what you want Jake. I don’t know why you’re here, I don’t want you to get to know Georgia and make her love you and then leave because I know what that feels like and I’d rather spare her that torture.”
“I don’t want to leave, Bee,” he said quietly.
“Maybe not now. But you might want to eventually, and I don’t want to put her through that.”
Jake stood and grabbed my wrist. “I don’t want to put either of you through anything.”
I was tired of beating around the bush. I was tired of the secrets.
“But what happens when you get tired of looking at those beautiful green eyes,” I asked him. “What happens when you start to resent her because you wish they were blue instead?”
“Abby, I fucking love you. What don’t you understand about that?”
The word love caught me with my mouth open, and I couldn’t close it.
“You love me?”
“Yes, I fucking love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. But it’s not just you. It’s her, too. I love you both. The second I saw her run to you in the church, I knew she was my daughter.”
“But she’s not your daughter.”
Jake grunted. “You’re not understanding me here. I know I didn’t contribute to her physically.” He paced around the deck. “That’s okay with me.”
“You could change your mind though.”
“The night I came here and she called me her daddy was the best night of my life, no matter how it ended. When she crawled up into my lap, when she wouldn’t let go of my hand... it was love at first sight.”
Suddenly, I understood. The night she crawled onto his lap, the reason why they couldn’t let go of each other. It was love at first sight. That was why he’d gotten so mad when I told him he wasn’t her father.
“So, you really think you can just forget everything that happened between us and start over from scratch?” I asked.
“No, I don’t want to start over from scratch. I want to start from now.”
“How can you want that, after what happened the day you left, after what you said to me?”
“You’re asking how I can forget that you fucked that son of a bitch?”
I cringed. But I still couldn’t tell him the truth. “Yes.”
“I don’t care.” Jake held my face and looked right into my eyes. “I don’t fucking care. I should have stayed. We should have talked about it. I left you for work after the greatest night of my life with no return date. It wasn’t fair, and neither were my accusations. You refusing to talk about what happened, and then you with him on the beach… it made me realize there might be more to the story. But, I don’t have to know it all right now. Does it make me sick to my stomach to think about him touching you? Yes. But the real question is, can we move forward from here? That answer is yes, too. For me, anyway. For four years, all I thought about was coming back to you, but my stupid pride kept me from doing it. I needed the excuse of my father dying before even attempting it. I was such a fucking coward. And you were here the whole time, raising Georgia on your own. Being so brave.”
“It hurt so much when you left, Jake. If there’s a chance that you’ll do that again, well...I can’t have my baby hurt like that, too. I won’t do that to her.” The tears started to fall again. I was going to run out of them soon.
“She won’t hurt, Bee. She’ll be ours. We’ll be a family. I promise I won’t resent her. It’s not even possible. I love her so much.”
“But, you could resent me.”
He eyed me skeptically. “Bee, it’s hard to explain the way I feel. I feel connected, to you and to Georgia, in a way that doesn’t make any of that shit matter anymore. Was I hurt? You better fucking believe it. Do I still have an itchy trigger finger around that son of a bitch? Yes, and that will probably never go away. But, I know I can be good here, with you and her, and that we can find happiness...at least, as much as fucks-ups like us are capable of.”
