The Darkest Minds
Page 114
“Why the PSFs?” I asked.
Clancy shrugged. “They’re the largest military force the government has now, and, thanks to dear old Dad, the most organized.”
“I guess that makes sense.” I leaned back, but staring at the glowing symbol on the laptop lid reminded me of Chubs. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Only if you let me apologize first.”
I sat down and studied my hands. “Can’t we just forget it ever happened?”
“No, not this time,” he said. “Hey, will you look at me?”
The expression on his face alone made my heart swell to twice its usual size. It was dangerous how handsome he was, but today his pained look was absolutely lethal.
He does care, a little voice in my head whispered. He cares about you.
“I’m sorry for losing my temper,” he said. “I didn’t mean the things I said about your friend Suzume, and I definitely didn’t mean to imply that you haven’t been trying.”
“Then why did you say that?”
Clancy rubbed a hand over his face. “Because I’m an idiot.”
“That’s not an answer,” I told him, shaking my head. You really hurt me.
“Ruby, isn’t it obvious?” he said. “I like you. I’ve only known you for, what, a month? And you’re probably the only real friend I’ve had since I turned ten and figured out what I was. I’m an idiot for getting so upset that you were focused on someone else when I wanted you to be focused on me.”
I was almost too stunned to move.
“I didn’t let Suzume and the others go because I thought it would help you focus. I let her go because I thought it would make you happy. I didn’t even stop to think that, yeah, of course you’d be worried about her, especially after how hard you worked to protect her.”
He more than cares about you.
I had to look away now. Play the situation off. My brain had turned to mush, and my heart wasn’t much better. “I guess I could forgive you.…”
“But only if I do you that favor?” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Sure. What?”
“Well…I know you don’t allow it, but I was hoping you’d make an exception in this case,” I said, finally looking back at him. “My friend…he needs to use your computer to try to contact his parents.”
Clancy stopped smiling. “Your friend Liam?”
“No, Chu—Charles Meriwether?”
“The one who’s been skipping Garden duty?”
Okay, apparently that girl had ratted him out.
Clancy was silent as he shut the laptop and stood. “I’m really sorry, Ruby, but I thought I made it clear that no one else could leave.”
“Oh no!” I said, forcing a laugh. “He just wants to check in with his parents to make sure they’re all right.”
“No,” Clancy said, moving around so he was sitting on the edge of the desk in front of me. “He wants to make arrangements to leave and take you with him. Don’t try to cover for him, Ruby. It’s the same for everyone. I don’t doubt for a second that he’s desperate enough to tell his parents the location of this camp.”
“He would never,” I said, getting riled up on Chubs’s behalf. “Really.”
“You were there when we had intruders a few weeks ago. You saw how easy it could be for someone to slip past our defenses. What if they hadn’t triggered the alarm? We would have been in serious trouble.” Clancy’s face was dark, worried. “If Charles wants to contact his parents, tell him he needs to fill out a request with instructions on how to do it, just like everyone else. I have to base my decisions on what might threaten the camp’s security—no matter how much I want to help you help your friend.”
It was no good. Chubs would rather not contact his parents at all than grant a stranger access to his only means of safely communicating with them.
“Though,” Clancy said after a moment, sitting down next to me and kicking his legs up on the desk. “There is something that could persuade me.”
I couldn’t look at him.
“Fifteen minutes, Ruby. You teach me.”
What could I possibly know that he didn’t?
“Do you think you could walk me through how you erase someone’s memory? I know it’s not something you’re proud of, and I know it’s caused you a lot of pain in the past, but it seems like a useful trick, and I’d be interested to learn it.”
“Well…I guess?” I said. Like I could deny him after all that he had done for me. But it wasn’t something I knew how to teach. I’d barely managed to figure it out for myself.
“I think understanding how you do it will also help me figure out how to prevent you from accidentally doing it again. Sound good?”
That sounded great, actually.
“If you’d let me,” he continued, “I’d like to walk through your memories and see if I can find any clues. I just want to confirm a suspicion I have.”
I don’t think he expected the request to give me pause, but it did. He had been in my head multiple times, seeing things I’d never spoken about to anyone. But I’d been able to keep him from seeing the things that really mattered, the dreams I wanted to protect.
I kept thinking about what Liam had said before, when he told me about his sister. Those memories are mine.
But if I wanted a future with my family—with Liam—then I had to relinquish my control. I had to let Clancy in if it meant I could avoid the same thing happening in the future.
Clancy shrugged. “They’re the largest military force the government has now, and, thanks to dear old Dad, the most organized.”
“I guess that makes sense.” I leaned back, but staring at the glowing symbol on the laptop lid reminded me of Chubs. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Only if you let me apologize first.”
I sat down and studied my hands. “Can’t we just forget it ever happened?”
“No, not this time,” he said. “Hey, will you look at me?”
The expression on his face alone made my heart swell to twice its usual size. It was dangerous how handsome he was, but today his pained look was absolutely lethal.
He does care, a little voice in my head whispered. He cares about you.
“I’m sorry for losing my temper,” he said. “I didn’t mean the things I said about your friend Suzume, and I definitely didn’t mean to imply that you haven’t been trying.”
“Then why did you say that?”
Clancy rubbed a hand over his face. “Because I’m an idiot.”
“That’s not an answer,” I told him, shaking my head. You really hurt me.
“Ruby, isn’t it obvious?” he said. “I like you. I’ve only known you for, what, a month? And you’re probably the only real friend I’ve had since I turned ten and figured out what I was. I’m an idiot for getting so upset that you were focused on someone else when I wanted you to be focused on me.”
I was almost too stunned to move.
“I didn’t let Suzume and the others go because I thought it would help you focus. I let her go because I thought it would make you happy. I didn’t even stop to think that, yeah, of course you’d be worried about her, especially after how hard you worked to protect her.”
He more than cares about you.
I had to look away now. Play the situation off. My brain had turned to mush, and my heart wasn’t much better. “I guess I could forgive you.…”
“But only if I do you that favor?” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Sure. What?”
“Well…I know you don’t allow it, but I was hoping you’d make an exception in this case,” I said, finally looking back at him. “My friend…he needs to use your computer to try to contact his parents.”
Clancy stopped smiling. “Your friend Liam?”
“No, Chu—Charles Meriwether?”
“The one who’s been skipping Garden duty?”
Okay, apparently that girl had ratted him out.
Clancy was silent as he shut the laptop and stood. “I’m really sorry, Ruby, but I thought I made it clear that no one else could leave.”
“Oh no!” I said, forcing a laugh. “He just wants to check in with his parents to make sure they’re all right.”
“No,” Clancy said, moving around so he was sitting on the edge of the desk in front of me. “He wants to make arrangements to leave and take you with him. Don’t try to cover for him, Ruby. It’s the same for everyone. I don’t doubt for a second that he’s desperate enough to tell his parents the location of this camp.”
“He would never,” I said, getting riled up on Chubs’s behalf. “Really.”
“You were there when we had intruders a few weeks ago. You saw how easy it could be for someone to slip past our defenses. What if they hadn’t triggered the alarm? We would have been in serious trouble.” Clancy’s face was dark, worried. “If Charles wants to contact his parents, tell him he needs to fill out a request with instructions on how to do it, just like everyone else. I have to base my decisions on what might threaten the camp’s security—no matter how much I want to help you help your friend.”
It was no good. Chubs would rather not contact his parents at all than grant a stranger access to his only means of safely communicating with them.
“Though,” Clancy said after a moment, sitting down next to me and kicking his legs up on the desk. “There is something that could persuade me.”
I couldn’t look at him.
“Fifteen minutes, Ruby. You teach me.”
What could I possibly know that he didn’t?
“Do you think you could walk me through how you erase someone’s memory? I know it’s not something you’re proud of, and I know it’s caused you a lot of pain in the past, but it seems like a useful trick, and I’d be interested to learn it.”
“Well…I guess?” I said. Like I could deny him after all that he had done for me. But it wasn’t something I knew how to teach. I’d barely managed to figure it out for myself.
“I think understanding how you do it will also help me figure out how to prevent you from accidentally doing it again. Sound good?”
That sounded great, actually.
“If you’d let me,” he continued, “I’d like to walk through your memories and see if I can find any clues. I just want to confirm a suspicion I have.”
I don’t think he expected the request to give me pause, but it did. He had been in my head multiple times, seeing things I’d never spoken about to anyone. But I’d been able to keep him from seeing the things that really mattered, the dreams I wanted to protect.
I kept thinking about what Liam had said before, when he told me about his sister. Those memories are mine.
But if I wanted a future with my family—with Liam—then I had to relinquish my control. I had to let Clancy in if it meant I could avoid the same thing happening in the future.
