The Ending I Want
Page 106
Her fingers start gently sifting through my hair. “Tell me about the time you sang to that girl. The one you were trying to win back.”
“I thought Cam and Eddie told you all the gory details?”
“They did, and it made me laugh. I want you to tell me, so I can laugh again.”
God, I want to hear her laugh. More than anything, I want to make her happy.
I want her to be healthy and happy.
But I don’t have the power to make her healthy. And I hate the way that makes me feel.
Weak and powerless.
But, for her, I shove my feelings aside and decide on the best and quickest way to make her laugh.
I start singing the words to “I Want It That Way.”
She laughs, and it’s fucking music to my ears.
“You’re crazy,” she tells me.
“Crazy about you.”
My eyes meet with hers. She’s smiling, but even in this darkness, I can tell she’s not happy. She’s afraid. And it hurts to know that there’s nothing I can do to eradicate that fear.
“You shouldn’t sing that song to me, Hunter. That’s your breakup song with another girl. It’s not our song.”
“We have a song?”
“We do.” She smiles. This one seems more genuine. It reaches all the way to her eyes.
That smile makes my heart beat faster.
“Are you going to let me in on what our song is?”
“‘If You’re Not the One’—that’s our song. So, if you’re going to sing to me, you sing that to me.”
“If You’re Not the One” was the song that was accidentally playing on repeat when I asked her to stay in London with me. The night when she told me she didn’t love me and then ran out of my apartment. The night that was the start of my world spiraling out of control.
Two nights ago.
How was that only two nights ago?
“I don’t know if that’s our song, babe…”
Her fingers stop moving through my hair. “You told me you loved me for the first time while that song was playing.”
“You left me while that song was playing.”
Her hand slips from my hair. She goes silent, and I worry that I’ve upset her.
Fuck. Upsetting her is the last thing I want to do.
I look back at her face. Her eyes are on the ceiling.
“Taylor…”
“You’re right. It was a stupid thing to say.”
“I’m being stupid. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t stay then. It matters that you’re here now.”
That’s all I care about.
Her eyes drift back to mine. There are so many emotions in them that I feel them wrap around my chest and clamp down tight, making it hard to breathe.
“I wanted to stay,” she whispers. “In that moment, when you asked me to stay with you, I wanted to say yes so very badly. I wanted to tell you I loved you. Because I did love you then and before, and I love you now.”
I suck in air. “I know,” I say, pressing my face back into her stomach.
I’m such a fucking idiot. Why did I have to say that about the song? It’s important to her, so it should be important to me. And it is.
Her hand comes back to my hair, her fingers slipping into the strands. “We’ll get our song one day,” she says softly.
“No.” I turn my cheek back to her stomach. “You’re right. It is ours. It might not be perfect…but it’s ours. Only I can’t sing it to you because I don’t know all the words.” I grin.
Laughter falls from her lips, and my heart feels light again.
“Play it to me?” she suggests.
Sitting up, I get my phone from my pocket and find the song in my playlist. I press play and set my phone on the bed beside her. Then, I lay my cheek back on her stomach, and I stare up at her face while our song plays.
“What changed your mind?” I ask quietly.
Her eyes come back to mine, and I know I don’t need to elaborate because I see the understanding in them. She knows I’m asking about having the surgery.
“You. I couldn’t stop thinking about you after you left. The things you said. And my heart…she’s kind of weak when it comes to you.” She smiles sadly. “Also…Eddie came to see me.”
“Eddie?” I sit up. “He came to the hospital to see you?”
“About an hour after you’d left, he turned up. He said he was due to start his shift. Wanted to check in on me. See how I was doing.”
“And what else did he say?”
Her eyes come to mine. “He told me that he knew…what I was planning to do.”
“I’m sorry.” I push a hand through my hair. “I was a mess. I needed someone to talk to. Cam and Eddie are my best friends.”
“It’s fine. I don’t mind that you told them. It was the truth.”
Was being the operative word, thankfully.
“So, what did Eddie say?” I ask, laying my head back down on her stomach.
Her hand comes back down to play with my hair. “He didn’t beat around the bush. He was pretty straight to the point, but that was okay because I think it was what I needed.” She blows out a breath. “He said that we all die someday, under different circumstances, and he asked me why my day had to be today—figuratively speaking. He knew that I wanted to be with my family, but he said that my family would want me to live, and that…I would be with them one day. It just didn’t have to be right now. That I had someone here, who loved me.” Her eyes soften on mine. “And he said to be loved by you…that was worth fighting for. Life was worth fighting for.”
“I thought Cam and Eddie told you all the gory details?”
“They did, and it made me laugh. I want you to tell me, so I can laugh again.”
God, I want to hear her laugh. More than anything, I want to make her happy.
I want her to be healthy and happy.
But I don’t have the power to make her healthy. And I hate the way that makes me feel.
Weak and powerless.
But, for her, I shove my feelings aside and decide on the best and quickest way to make her laugh.
I start singing the words to “I Want It That Way.”
She laughs, and it’s fucking music to my ears.
“You’re crazy,” she tells me.
“Crazy about you.”
My eyes meet with hers. She’s smiling, but even in this darkness, I can tell she’s not happy. She’s afraid. And it hurts to know that there’s nothing I can do to eradicate that fear.
“You shouldn’t sing that song to me, Hunter. That’s your breakup song with another girl. It’s not our song.”
“We have a song?”
“We do.” She smiles. This one seems more genuine. It reaches all the way to her eyes.
That smile makes my heart beat faster.
“Are you going to let me in on what our song is?”
“‘If You’re Not the One’—that’s our song. So, if you’re going to sing to me, you sing that to me.”
“If You’re Not the One” was the song that was accidentally playing on repeat when I asked her to stay in London with me. The night when she told me she didn’t love me and then ran out of my apartment. The night that was the start of my world spiraling out of control.
Two nights ago.
How was that only two nights ago?
“I don’t know if that’s our song, babe…”
Her fingers stop moving through my hair. “You told me you loved me for the first time while that song was playing.”
“You left me while that song was playing.”
Her hand slips from my hair. She goes silent, and I worry that I’ve upset her.
Fuck. Upsetting her is the last thing I want to do.
I look back at her face. Her eyes are on the ceiling.
“Taylor…”
“You’re right. It was a stupid thing to say.”
“I’m being stupid. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t stay then. It matters that you’re here now.”
That’s all I care about.
Her eyes drift back to mine. There are so many emotions in them that I feel them wrap around my chest and clamp down tight, making it hard to breathe.
“I wanted to stay,” she whispers. “In that moment, when you asked me to stay with you, I wanted to say yes so very badly. I wanted to tell you I loved you. Because I did love you then and before, and I love you now.”
I suck in air. “I know,” I say, pressing my face back into her stomach.
I’m such a fucking idiot. Why did I have to say that about the song? It’s important to her, so it should be important to me. And it is.
Her hand comes back to my hair, her fingers slipping into the strands. “We’ll get our song one day,” she says softly.
“No.” I turn my cheek back to her stomach. “You’re right. It is ours. It might not be perfect…but it’s ours. Only I can’t sing it to you because I don’t know all the words.” I grin.
Laughter falls from her lips, and my heart feels light again.
“Play it to me?” she suggests.
Sitting up, I get my phone from my pocket and find the song in my playlist. I press play and set my phone on the bed beside her. Then, I lay my cheek back on her stomach, and I stare up at her face while our song plays.
“What changed your mind?” I ask quietly.
Her eyes come back to mine, and I know I don’t need to elaborate because I see the understanding in them. She knows I’m asking about having the surgery.
“You. I couldn’t stop thinking about you after you left. The things you said. And my heart…she’s kind of weak when it comes to you.” She smiles sadly. “Also…Eddie came to see me.”
“Eddie?” I sit up. “He came to the hospital to see you?”
“About an hour after you’d left, he turned up. He said he was due to start his shift. Wanted to check in on me. See how I was doing.”
“And what else did he say?”
Her eyes come to mine. “He told me that he knew…what I was planning to do.”
“I’m sorry.” I push a hand through my hair. “I was a mess. I needed someone to talk to. Cam and Eddie are my best friends.”
“It’s fine. I don’t mind that you told them. It was the truth.”
Was being the operative word, thankfully.
“So, what did Eddie say?” I ask, laying my head back down on her stomach.
Her hand comes back down to play with my hair. “He didn’t beat around the bush. He was pretty straight to the point, but that was okay because I think it was what I needed.” She blows out a breath. “He said that we all die someday, under different circumstances, and he asked me why my day had to be today—figuratively speaking. He knew that I wanted to be with my family, but he said that my family would want me to live, and that…I would be with them one day. It just didn’t have to be right now. That I had someone here, who loved me.” Her eyes soften on mine. “And he said to be loved by you…that was worth fighting for. Life was worth fighting for.”
