The Ending I Want
Page 77
Not because I want Carrick. Far from it.
It’s because of Liam. And me.
No matter all the pep talks I give myself and all the internal convincing I do that loving Liam is okay, that my one-sided feelings are fucking awesome, it isn’t going to change the fact that, deep down inside me, I know it isn’t okay.
Loving Liam makes me want him. It makes me want him to feel the same for me as I do for him. Loving him makes me want the things that everyone else gets to have.
Looking at Andi and Carrick together has made me realize that. How much I want that.
I want Liam to look at me like no one else in the world exists, except for me. I want to wear his ring one day. I want to know what it feels like to have his child growing inside me.
I want things that aren’t available to me.
And I can’t pretend that it doesn’t make me sad because it does.
It makes my heart hurt in a way I find hard to explain.
If I were living a different life, I might get to have all those things with Liam.
But I don’t get to have that other life.
I don’t get to have a life at all.
Soon, I will go, and Liam will do all those things with someone else. He’ll love some other woman. He’ll marry her. Have a child with her.
And knowing that…it fucking hurts.
I press my hand to my stomach, holding in the pain, and I bite my lip to stop myself from crying, but the stupid tears fall anyway.
I pull some toilet paper off the roll and blot the tears away.
Closing my eyes, I take calming deep breaths in and out.
I need to stop this. A pity party in a restroom stall is not how I should be spending my time.
Standing, I drop the paper in the toilet and flush it. I let myself out of the stall and walk over to the sinks.
I stare at myself in the restroom mirror.
Remember why you’re doing this, Taylor.
Mom, Dad, Parker, and Tess.
They’re the reason you are choosing to die instead of fighting to live. So you can be with them again.
They are the right choice. It might feel hard now, even confusing because of the way I feel about Liam. But when I’m with them, I will know it was the right thing.
To hear their voices again. To wrap my arms around them and never let go. To tell them how sorry I am for what I did. To be allowed to love them.
That’s what matters. That’s what’s important.
Not how I feel about Liam.
I wash my hands and dry them on a paper towel. Then, I make my way back to Liam.
Carrick and Andi are now seated at our table with us. Bernie is chatting away with them both, and Andi smiles warmly at me as I approach.
I return the smile. I need to get back to feeling like myself and talk to these nice people.
Then, my eyes meet with Liam’s. Everything I just said to myself falters and starts to fall away, and I just feel sad again.
I catch sight of worry in Liam’s eyes, and it makes me feel shitty.
Fix this, Taylor.
Liam has done so much for you already. He’s been kind enough to bring you here with him and have you meet Carrick Ryan, for God’s sake. And you still have the chance to chat with him and his lovely wife because they’re sitting at your table.
Don’t spoil Liam’s day because you’ve got your head up your ass over things you can’t change.
I slip into my seat beside him. “Hey.” I smile brightly at him.
He reaches over and takes my hand in his. “Okay?” he asks, his voice quiet.
“Fine.” I make my bright smile bigger.
But he still doesn’t look convinced.
So, I lean over and press a soft kiss to his lips. “I’m fine, Hunter. I promise.” I tilt my head back to stare into his eyes, enforcing my words, hiding my multitude of ever-growing lies behind them.
He smiles, and it reaches all the way up to his eyes.
Then, Bernie asks him a question, taking him from me. So, I lean forward, and I start talking to Andi from across the table.
But Liam doesn’t let go of my hand while we talk separately.
And he doesn’t let go of it for the rest of the day.
I’m in the back of the town car with Liam, and Paul is driving us to a tattoo parlor.
I’m checking another thing off my list. I don’t have many left.
After the tattoo, only a few remain—have something pierced, get totally wasted until I vomit and pass out, dance in the rain, and experience a true moment of romance, like they do in the movies. But I guess I’ve had a lot of romantic moments with Liam, so any of them could count.
I’ve had a lot of hot moments with him, too.
Plane blow job definitely tops my list. And sex at the Funfair. And the ass sex. Okay, so all of the sex I’ve had with Liam tops my list.
After the Grand Prix—which was amazing once the race started—we went back to Hunter Hall and had dinner with Bernie and Archie.
Then, later in bed, Liam did all manner of naughty things to me.
Most of the next day, we stayed with his grandpa, too, and then Liam drove us back to London.
We went straight back to his apartment. I swear, I’ve barely stayed in my hotel, not that I’m complaining.
Liam and I went out to the supermarket and bought groceries, and then he cooked us dinner. Afterward, we lay on the sofa, wrapped up together while watching a movie.
I fell asleep mid movie. I woke up when Liam picked me up and carried me to bed. I was awake by the time he laid me down on the mattress. So, I pulled him down on me, and that night, I did lots of dirty things to him.
This morning, I woke up before Liam, which was unusual. So, I hauled ass out of bed, made him breakfast, and brought it to bed for him.
That earned me two orgasms.
It’s because of Liam. And me.
No matter all the pep talks I give myself and all the internal convincing I do that loving Liam is okay, that my one-sided feelings are fucking awesome, it isn’t going to change the fact that, deep down inside me, I know it isn’t okay.
Loving Liam makes me want him. It makes me want him to feel the same for me as I do for him. Loving him makes me want the things that everyone else gets to have.
Looking at Andi and Carrick together has made me realize that. How much I want that.
I want Liam to look at me like no one else in the world exists, except for me. I want to wear his ring one day. I want to know what it feels like to have his child growing inside me.
I want things that aren’t available to me.
And I can’t pretend that it doesn’t make me sad because it does.
It makes my heart hurt in a way I find hard to explain.
If I were living a different life, I might get to have all those things with Liam.
But I don’t get to have that other life.
I don’t get to have a life at all.
Soon, I will go, and Liam will do all those things with someone else. He’ll love some other woman. He’ll marry her. Have a child with her.
And knowing that…it fucking hurts.
I press my hand to my stomach, holding in the pain, and I bite my lip to stop myself from crying, but the stupid tears fall anyway.
I pull some toilet paper off the roll and blot the tears away.
Closing my eyes, I take calming deep breaths in and out.
I need to stop this. A pity party in a restroom stall is not how I should be spending my time.
Standing, I drop the paper in the toilet and flush it. I let myself out of the stall and walk over to the sinks.
I stare at myself in the restroom mirror.
Remember why you’re doing this, Taylor.
Mom, Dad, Parker, and Tess.
They’re the reason you are choosing to die instead of fighting to live. So you can be with them again.
They are the right choice. It might feel hard now, even confusing because of the way I feel about Liam. But when I’m with them, I will know it was the right thing.
To hear their voices again. To wrap my arms around them and never let go. To tell them how sorry I am for what I did. To be allowed to love them.
That’s what matters. That’s what’s important.
Not how I feel about Liam.
I wash my hands and dry them on a paper towel. Then, I make my way back to Liam.
Carrick and Andi are now seated at our table with us. Bernie is chatting away with them both, and Andi smiles warmly at me as I approach.
I return the smile. I need to get back to feeling like myself and talk to these nice people.
Then, my eyes meet with Liam’s. Everything I just said to myself falters and starts to fall away, and I just feel sad again.
I catch sight of worry in Liam’s eyes, and it makes me feel shitty.
Fix this, Taylor.
Liam has done so much for you already. He’s been kind enough to bring you here with him and have you meet Carrick Ryan, for God’s sake. And you still have the chance to chat with him and his lovely wife because they’re sitting at your table.
Don’t spoil Liam’s day because you’ve got your head up your ass over things you can’t change.
I slip into my seat beside him. “Hey.” I smile brightly at him.
He reaches over and takes my hand in his. “Okay?” he asks, his voice quiet.
“Fine.” I make my bright smile bigger.
But he still doesn’t look convinced.
So, I lean over and press a soft kiss to his lips. “I’m fine, Hunter. I promise.” I tilt my head back to stare into his eyes, enforcing my words, hiding my multitude of ever-growing lies behind them.
He smiles, and it reaches all the way up to his eyes.
Then, Bernie asks him a question, taking him from me. So, I lean forward, and I start talking to Andi from across the table.
But Liam doesn’t let go of my hand while we talk separately.
And he doesn’t let go of it for the rest of the day.
I’m in the back of the town car with Liam, and Paul is driving us to a tattoo parlor.
I’m checking another thing off my list. I don’t have many left.
After the tattoo, only a few remain—have something pierced, get totally wasted until I vomit and pass out, dance in the rain, and experience a true moment of romance, like they do in the movies. But I guess I’ve had a lot of romantic moments with Liam, so any of them could count.
I’ve had a lot of hot moments with him, too.
Plane blow job definitely tops my list. And sex at the Funfair. And the ass sex. Okay, so all of the sex I’ve had with Liam tops my list.
After the Grand Prix—which was amazing once the race started—we went back to Hunter Hall and had dinner with Bernie and Archie.
Then, later in bed, Liam did all manner of naughty things to me.
Most of the next day, we stayed with his grandpa, too, and then Liam drove us back to London.
We went straight back to his apartment. I swear, I’ve barely stayed in my hotel, not that I’m complaining.
Liam and I went out to the supermarket and bought groceries, and then he cooked us dinner. Afterward, we lay on the sofa, wrapped up together while watching a movie.
I fell asleep mid movie. I woke up when Liam picked me up and carried me to bed. I was awake by the time he laid me down on the mattress. So, I pulled him down on me, and that night, I did lots of dirty things to him.
This morning, I woke up before Liam, which was unusual. So, I hauled ass out of bed, made him breakfast, and brought it to bed for him.
That earned me two orgasms.
