The Ending I Want
Page 99
I tell him that she wants to die.
He lets out a long breath. “Liam, if Taylor wanted to die…really and truly die, she would have done it long ago.”
“What?” I stare at him.
“Look, this is going to sound harsh, but if a person really wants to kill themselves, they’ll do it and make sure it sticks. People throw themselves off of bridges and under trains and swallow a handful of pills to ensure they don’t have to live.”
“She is killing herself.” I grit my teeth.
“She’s letting herself suffer because she thinks she deserves it. There is a difference. Taylor might truly believe that she wants to die. But, deep down, if you dig in far enough, there is a part of her that wants to live. The part of her that put her on that plane and brought her here to fulfill that list. The part of her that allowed herself to be with you, to care about you.
“Right now, Taylor is eaten up by guilt, and she’s punishing herself in the only way she knows how. She can’t make the decision for herself whether she should live or die, so she’s letting the tumor do it for her. If you want to reach her, Liam, then you have to reach that part of her that does want to live, remind her of what it’s like to truly be alive, what it’s like to be happy again.”
“That’s what I’ve been doing this last week and a half with her—showing her happiness and helping her to face her fears and showing her what it’s like to truly live.”
“Then, maybe she’s not as far gone as you think she is.”
I shake my head. “I saw her in that hospital room, Grandpa. I heard the words she was saying. She’s already gone. I’ve lost her.”
“She’s fighting an internal battle. I saw the way she looked at you, Liam. She lit up around you—and you, her. I haven’t ever seen you look at someone the way you look at her.”
It’s because I’ve never loved anyone in the way I do Taylor. It’s that comes-out-of-nowhere-and-grabs-ahold-of-you love. The kind where you can’t remember how you ever felt anything before her. The all-consuming, nothing-else-matters-but-her love.
That’s the love I feel for Taylor.
“I know Taylor has deep feelings for you, and those feelings are provoking the guilt she feels over her family because of what she believes she owes them—her life. But a part of her wants you, too. But, to have you, she has to live. And, if she lives, in her mind, she’ll be failing them again.”
I ache at the thought of the pain and turmoil she must be feeling. The pain she’s been feeling for so long.
“You need to make her see that’s not the case,” Grandpa continues. “That she doesn’t have to die. That she doesn’t have to pay for something that wasn’t her fault. That she can have a life with you. She deserves to be happy. And then, one day, after she’s lived a long life, then she can see her family again.”
“I tried, Grandpa. I told her these things, maybe not as eloquently as you just put it, but she wouldn’t hear them.”
“Then, you make her hear. You keep trying. You don’t just give up at the first hurdle, Liam. You’re a fighter. You always have been. No matter what life has thrown at you, how many times it’s knocked you down, you’ve always gotten back up, ready to fight. Don’t stop now. Fight for Taylor, and fight hard.”
My phone starts to ring in my pocket. The first thing I think of is Taylor.
Is it her calling?
I quickly get it out. My heart sags when I see it’s not her number calling. I don’t recognize the number ringing me. But I answer because I gave the hospital my number and told them to call me if there were any changes with Taylor.
“Hello?”
“Liam, it’s Dr. March.”
I stand up out of my seat, my heart stopping. “What’s happened? Is she okay?”
“We, um…I’m afraid I’m not sure.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Taylor’s gone.”
“She’s gone?” I gasp.
My grandpa gets to his feet.
“That’s why I’m calling—to tell you that she left the hospital without anyone’s knowledge. A short time ago, the nurse went into her room to take her vitals, and her bed was empty. Her clothes and shoes that she had arrived in are gone from the cupboard. We’ve searched the floor to make sure she hasn’t…fallen anywhere and hurt herself, but there are no signs of her. So, I got security to check the cameras, and she was seen leaving through the main entrance over a few hours ago.”
She’s been gone a few hours.
My heart starts to beat faster.
“I was hoping that she had come to you?” Dr. March says.
No, she wouldn’t come to me because I’m not who she wants.
I close my eyes, my insides crushing. “No, she hasn’t come to me.”
“Do you know where she could have gone?”
I shake my head. “I’m not sure. Maybe her hotel.”
Then, it hits me. She’s going home.
The last thing Taylor said to me was that she wanted to be with her family.
She was always going to go home. That was her plan all along.
She’s going home to die.
Fuck…no.
“Of course, with her condition, I’m worried for her,” Dr. March goes on. “But my hands are tied. There isn’t a lot I can do, as she isn’t deemed a danger to herself—”
“I know where to find her,” I cut her off.
She exhales. “Good. When you do find Taylor, please try to get her to see reason and come back to the hospital.”
He lets out a long breath. “Liam, if Taylor wanted to die…really and truly die, she would have done it long ago.”
“What?” I stare at him.
“Look, this is going to sound harsh, but if a person really wants to kill themselves, they’ll do it and make sure it sticks. People throw themselves off of bridges and under trains and swallow a handful of pills to ensure they don’t have to live.”
“She is killing herself.” I grit my teeth.
“She’s letting herself suffer because she thinks she deserves it. There is a difference. Taylor might truly believe that she wants to die. But, deep down, if you dig in far enough, there is a part of her that wants to live. The part of her that put her on that plane and brought her here to fulfill that list. The part of her that allowed herself to be with you, to care about you.
“Right now, Taylor is eaten up by guilt, and she’s punishing herself in the only way she knows how. She can’t make the decision for herself whether she should live or die, so she’s letting the tumor do it for her. If you want to reach her, Liam, then you have to reach that part of her that does want to live, remind her of what it’s like to truly be alive, what it’s like to be happy again.”
“That’s what I’ve been doing this last week and a half with her—showing her happiness and helping her to face her fears and showing her what it’s like to truly live.”
“Then, maybe she’s not as far gone as you think she is.”
I shake my head. “I saw her in that hospital room, Grandpa. I heard the words she was saying. She’s already gone. I’ve lost her.”
“She’s fighting an internal battle. I saw the way she looked at you, Liam. She lit up around you—and you, her. I haven’t ever seen you look at someone the way you look at her.”
It’s because I’ve never loved anyone in the way I do Taylor. It’s that comes-out-of-nowhere-and-grabs-ahold-of-you love. The kind where you can’t remember how you ever felt anything before her. The all-consuming, nothing-else-matters-but-her love.
That’s the love I feel for Taylor.
“I know Taylor has deep feelings for you, and those feelings are provoking the guilt she feels over her family because of what she believes she owes them—her life. But a part of her wants you, too. But, to have you, she has to live. And, if she lives, in her mind, she’ll be failing them again.”
I ache at the thought of the pain and turmoil she must be feeling. The pain she’s been feeling for so long.
“You need to make her see that’s not the case,” Grandpa continues. “That she doesn’t have to die. That she doesn’t have to pay for something that wasn’t her fault. That she can have a life with you. She deserves to be happy. And then, one day, after she’s lived a long life, then she can see her family again.”
“I tried, Grandpa. I told her these things, maybe not as eloquently as you just put it, but she wouldn’t hear them.”
“Then, you make her hear. You keep trying. You don’t just give up at the first hurdle, Liam. You’re a fighter. You always have been. No matter what life has thrown at you, how many times it’s knocked you down, you’ve always gotten back up, ready to fight. Don’t stop now. Fight for Taylor, and fight hard.”
My phone starts to ring in my pocket. The first thing I think of is Taylor.
Is it her calling?
I quickly get it out. My heart sags when I see it’s not her number calling. I don’t recognize the number ringing me. But I answer because I gave the hospital my number and told them to call me if there were any changes with Taylor.
“Hello?”
“Liam, it’s Dr. March.”
I stand up out of my seat, my heart stopping. “What’s happened? Is she okay?”
“We, um…I’m afraid I’m not sure.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Taylor’s gone.”
“She’s gone?” I gasp.
My grandpa gets to his feet.
“That’s why I’m calling—to tell you that she left the hospital without anyone’s knowledge. A short time ago, the nurse went into her room to take her vitals, and her bed was empty. Her clothes and shoes that she had arrived in are gone from the cupboard. We’ve searched the floor to make sure she hasn’t…fallen anywhere and hurt herself, but there are no signs of her. So, I got security to check the cameras, and she was seen leaving through the main entrance over a few hours ago.”
She’s been gone a few hours.
My heart starts to beat faster.
“I was hoping that she had come to you?” Dr. March says.
No, she wouldn’t come to me because I’m not who she wants.
I close my eyes, my insides crushing. “No, she hasn’t come to me.”
“Do you know where she could have gone?”
I shake my head. “I’m not sure. Maybe her hotel.”
Then, it hits me. She’s going home.
The last thing Taylor said to me was that she wanted to be with her family.
She was always going to go home. That was her plan all along.
She’s going home to die.
Fuck…no.
“Of course, with her condition, I’m worried for her,” Dr. March goes on. “But my hands are tied. There isn’t a lot I can do, as she isn’t deemed a danger to herself—”
“I know where to find her,” I cut her off.
She exhales. “Good. When you do find Taylor, please try to get her to see reason and come back to the hospital.”
