The Essence
Page 76
I felt Sabara, deep down inside, stirring restlessly.
Her, she whispered, and I could feel her mentally sizing up my little sister, weighing her as a possible host.
I staggered backward, falling over my own feet now as I realized Angelina had been right.
She should stay away from me. I was poison to her. I was dangerous.
Maybe deadly.
In the corridor, I crumpled to the floor, ignoring the fact that Zafir was there, as always. He offered no consolation, just stood aside while I clutched my knees to my chest and cried into the hollow space.
“Charlaina,” Niko’s voice tugged at me, drawing me forth. His hand was at my shoulder, his touch urging me from my misery.
I should have shrugged away from him, the same way Angelina had from me, but I didn’t. Instead, I let his fingers move over my back in slow, soothing circles.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, lifting my face to his. “Why are you always around?”
Zafir turned his back to us, affording us all the privacy he could manage.
“I was worried about you, Charlaina. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Stop calling me that,” I insisted, sounding shakier than I wanted to. I ignored the hand he offered me, and got up on my own. “Why don’t you say what you mean?” I kept my voice low so Zafir couldn’t hear us. “Stop pretending it’s me you’re worried about and just say it. Say that it’s Sabara you want to protect. Call me Sabara.”
He reached for my arm, either to stop me from leaving or to steady me, but I ripped it away from him. “Don’t touch me,” I hissed.
He lifted his hands in submission. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Of course I’m worried about you. None of this is easy. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, how . . . conflicted you must be. It’s hard on me too.”
I whirled on him. “Oh, is it? Is it hard for you, Niko? Are you losing yourself? Is your identity being compromised?” I thought of Angelina. “Are you losing the people you love?”
“Yes.” His voice broke, and this time I didn’t stop him when he closed the gap. Something in his face, something in his eyes, reminded me—or her, I couldn’t be sure—of the man who’d held his baby daughter, still and lifeless. His hand closed the distance between us, his fingertips brushing against mine. “Yes, I’m losing the person I love.”
“Don’t touch me,” I said again, but even I could hear the longing in my words. I couldn’t blame him for ignoring them.
His hand clamped over mine and he tugged me. He didn’t have to tug hard, though. I took the step toward him of my own accord, until our bodies were just a heartbeat apart.
I shook my head, denying him and hoping to keep him at bay. “I’m telling Max. Everything,” I whispered.
He stilled, as if turned to stone. “You can’t.”
Sabara felt it too, the truth in my statement, and I could feel her panic blooming like a toxic flower. Dread rooted and spread, pricking me with its nettled thorns.
“I have to.”
“Sabara,” he soothed, his voice as golden as his eyes. “Be reasonable.”
My vision blurred and I reached out to steady myself. It was too much, hearing her name on his lips, feeling her tidal wave of sensations, recognizing the sentiment buried in his voice.
I don’t know if he mistook my instability for assent, or if he was simply taking advantage of my momentary lapse. But the moment I felt his lips on mine, Sabara broke free, finding the strength to propel me into his arms.
She coaxed and moved my body. She relished every sensation, every caress, stroke, brush, and touch, regardless of whom it belonged to.
I lost myself in the swirl of sensations.
“Charlie?” It was that voice—Max’s voice, filled with flat accusation—that broke the spell at last. And in that instant, it was just Niko and me. Sabara had retreated.
I was immobilized as I stared into his cool gray eyes, trying to imagine how guilty I must appear.
How guilty I was.
“Max, I—”
But he was already gone.
Together with Zafir, I’d searched the estate grounds long after Zafir had insisted it was too late to be out, that we should call it a night and start again in the morning. But I’d demanded we keep on. I needed to find Max. I needed to explain things to him, so he’d know that it hadn’t been me. That it was Sabara he’d seen with Niko.
I’d hoped I could somehow convince him.
I’d tried to tell Zafir instead.
“Sabara’s alive,” I’d said to him, thinking the words sounded even more absurd out loud than they had when I’d practiced them inside my head.
Zafir hadn’t skipped a beat. He hadn’t even blinked. “You should get to bed, Your Majesty. It’s been a long day.”
“I’m serious, Zafir. She’s in here . . . with me.” I’d signaled that I meant my own body. “She’s been here all along.”
I wasn’t sure he’d even heard me, but I was certain he thought I’d lost my grip on reality. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll have someone else stand guard at your room and I’ll keep looking for Max,” he’d offered, leading me back inside the house. “If I do that, will you go to bed?”
There’d been no point arguing. He had been determined that I needed rest, so I’d let him lead me to my room and position another soldier outside my door as I climbed into bed. I didn’t even remember drifting off to sleep, but when I closed my eyes I was falling.
Her, she whispered, and I could feel her mentally sizing up my little sister, weighing her as a possible host.
I staggered backward, falling over my own feet now as I realized Angelina had been right.
She should stay away from me. I was poison to her. I was dangerous.
Maybe deadly.
In the corridor, I crumpled to the floor, ignoring the fact that Zafir was there, as always. He offered no consolation, just stood aside while I clutched my knees to my chest and cried into the hollow space.
“Charlaina,” Niko’s voice tugged at me, drawing me forth. His hand was at my shoulder, his touch urging me from my misery.
I should have shrugged away from him, the same way Angelina had from me, but I didn’t. Instead, I let his fingers move over my back in slow, soothing circles.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, lifting my face to his. “Why are you always around?”
Zafir turned his back to us, affording us all the privacy he could manage.
“I was worried about you, Charlaina. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Stop calling me that,” I insisted, sounding shakier than I wanted to. I ignored the hand he offered me, and got up on my own. “Why don’t you say what you mean?” I kept my voice low so Zafir couldn’t hear us. “Stop pretending it’s me you’re worried about and just say it. Say that it’s Sabara you want to protect. Call me Sabara.”
He reached for my arm, either to stop me from leaving or to steady me, but I ripped it away from him. “Don’t touch me,” I hissed.
He lifted his hands in submission. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Of course I’m worried about you. None of this is easy. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, how . . . conflicted you must be. It’s hard on me too.”
I whirled on him. “Oh, is it? Is it hard for you, Niko? Are you losing yourself? Is your identity being compromised?” I thought of Angelina. “Are you losing the people you love?”
“Yes.” His voice broke, and this time I didn’t stop him when he closed the gap. Something in his face, something in his eyes, reminded me—or her, I couldn’t be sure—of the man who’d held his baby daughter, still and lifeless. His hand closed the distance between us, his fingertips brushing against mine. “Yes, I’m losing the person I love.”
“Don’t touch me,” I said again, but even I could hear the longing in my words. I couldn’t blame him for ignoring them.
His hand clamped over mine and he tugged me. He didn’t have to tug hard, though. I took the step toward him of my own accord, until our bodies were just a heartbeat apart.
I shook my head, denying him and hoping to keep him at bay. “I’m telling Max. Everything,” I whispered.
He stilled, as if turned to stone. “You can’t.”
Sabara felt it too, the truth in my statement, and I could feel her panic blooming like a toxic flower. Dread rooted and spread, pricking me with its nettled thorns.
“I have to.”
“Sabara,” he soothed, his voice as golden as his eyes. “Be reasonable.”
My vision blurred and I reached out to steady myself. It was too much, hearing her name on his lips, feeling her tidal wave of sensations, recognizing the sentiment buried in his voice.
I don’t know if he mistook my instability for assent, or if he was simply taking advantage of my momentary lapse. But the moment I felt his lips on mine, Sabara broke free, finding the strength to propel me into his arms.
She coaxed and moved my body. She relished every sensation, every caress, stroke, brush, and touch, regardless of whom it belonged to.
I lost myself in the swirl of sensations.
“Charlie?” It was that voice—Max’s voice, filled with flat accusation—that broke the spell at last. And in that instant, it was just Niko and me. Sabara had retreated.
I was immobilized as I stared into his cool gray eyes, trying to imagine how guilty I must appear.
How guilty I was.
“Max, I—”
But he was already gone.
Together with Zafir, I’d searched the estate grounds long after Zafir had insisted it was too late to be out, that we should call it a night and start again in the morning. But I’d demanded we keep on. I needed to find Max. I needed to explain things to him, so he’d know that it hadn’t been me. That it was Sabara he’d seen with Niko.
I’d hoped I could somehow convince him.
I’d tried to tell Zafir instead.
“Sabara’s alive,” I’d said to him, thinking the words sounded even more absurd out loud than they had when I’d practiced them inside my head.
Zafir hadn’t skipped a beat. He hadn’t even blinked. “You should get to bed, Your Majesty. It’s been a long day.”
“I’m serious, Zafir. She’s in here . . . with me.” I’d signaled that I meant my own body. “She’s been here all along.”
I wasn’t sure he’d even heard me, but I was certain he thought I’d lost my grip on reality. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll have someone else stand guard at your room and I’ll keep looking for Max,” he’d offered, leading me back inside the house. “If I do that, will you go to bed?”
There’d been no point arguing. He had been determined that I needed rest, so I’d let him lead me to my room and position another soldier outside my door as I climbed into bed. I didn’t even remember drifting off to sleep, but when I closed my eyes I was falling.
