The Fifth Elephant

Chapter 20

"How are we going to get in, sir?" said Carrot.
"How would you go about it, Carrot?"
"Well, I"d start by knocking, sir."
"Really? Sergeant Detritus. Forward, please."
"Sir!"
"Blow the bloody doors off!"
"Yessir!"
Vines turned back to Carrot as the troll gazed thoughtfully at the door and began making extra turns on his crossbow"s winch, grunting as the springs fought back. Their fight was unsuccessful.
"This isn"t Ankh-Morpork, see?" said Vines.
Detritus hoisted the bow on to his shoulders and took a step forward.
There was a thunk. Vines didn"t see the bundle of arrows leave the bow. They were probably already fragments by the time they"d gone a few feet. Halfway towards the doors the expanding cloud of splinters exploded into flame from the air friction.
What hit the doors was a fireball as angry and unstoppable as the Fifth Elephant and travelling at an appreciable fraction of local lightspeed.
"My gods; Detritus," muttered Vines as the thunder died away. "That"s not a crossbow, that"s a national emergency."
A few bits of charred door crashed on to the cobbles.
"The wolves won"t come in, Mister Vines," said Angua. "Gavin will follow me, but they won"t come, not even for him."
"Why not?"
"Because they"re wolves, sir. They don"t feel at home in houses."
The only sound was the squeak-squeak of Detritus winding up his bow again.
"The hell with it," said Vines, drawing his sword and stepping forward.
Lady Sybil untucked her dress from her underwear and stepped carefully across the little courtyard. She was somewhere around the rear of the castle, as far as she could make out.
She flattened herself as best she could against the wall when she heard a sound, and tightened her grip on one of the iron bars that had formerly graced the window.
A large wolf came around the corner, holding a bone in its mouth. It did not look as if it was expecting her, and it certainly wasn"t expecting the iron bar.
"Oh, I"m terribly sorry," said Sybil automatically as it folded up on to the cobbles.
There was an explosion on the other side of the castle. That sounded like Sam.
"Do you think they heard us, sir?" said Carrot.
"Captain, people in Ankh-Morpork probably heard us. So where are all the werewolves?"
Angua pushed forward. "This way," she said.
She led them up a flight of low steps and tried one of the doors to the keep. It swung back slowly.
There were torches in the hall, too.
"They"ll leave us somewhere to run," she said. "We always leave people somewhere to run."
A pair of smaller doors at the far end of the hall were pushed open. No handles, Vines noted. Paws can"t use handles.
Wolfgang stepped in. A couple of dozen werewolves escorted him, fanning out around the room and sitting down... sprawling down and then watching the intruders with keen interest.
"Ah, Civilized!" said Wolfgang cheerfully. "You won the game! Would you like another go? When people have a second game we give them a handicap! We bite one of their legs off! Good joke, hey?"
"I think I prefer the Ankh-Morpork sense of humour," said Vimes. "Where"s my wife, you bastard?" He could still hear the sound of Detritus winding. That was the trouble with the big bow. It was only a quick-fire weapon by geological standards.
"And Delphine! Look at what the dog dragged in!" said Wolfgang, ignoring Vimes. He stepped forward. Vimes heard a growl begin in Angua"s throat, a sound which would cause instant obedience in many of Ankh-Morpork"s criminal population when they encountered it in a dark alley. There was a deeper rumble from Gavin.
Wolfgang stopped.
"You haven"t got the brains for this, Wolfie," said Angua. "And you couldn"t plot your way out of a wet paper bag. Where"s Mother?" She looked around at the lolling werewolves. "Hello, Uncle Ulf... Aunt Hilda... Magweri... Nancy... Unity... The pack"s all here, then? Except for Father, who I expect is off rolling in something. What a family - "
"I want these disgusting people out of here right away," said the Baroness, stepping into the hall.
She glared at Detritus. "How dare you bring a troll into this house!"
"O-kay, it"s all wound up," said Detritus cheerfully, hoisting the humming bow on to his shoulder. "Where should I fire it, Mister Vimes?"
"Good grief, not in here! This is an enclosed building!"
"Only until I pull dis trigger, sir."
"How very civilized," said the Baroness. "How very Ankh-Morpork. You think you merely have to threaten and the lesser races back down, eh?"
"Have you seen your gates lately?" said Vimes.
"We"re werewolves!" snapped the Baroness - and it was a snap, the words sharp and clipped as though they were barked. "Stupid toys like that don"t frighten us."
"But it"ll slow you down for a while. Now bring out Lady Sybil!"
"Lady Sybil is resting. You are in no position to make demands, Mister Vimes. We are not the criminals here."
As Vimes"s mouth dropped open she went on: "The game is not against the lore. It has been played for a thousand years. And what else is it that you think we have done? Stolen the dwarfs" pet rock? We - "
"You know it wasn"t stolen," said Vimes. "And I know - "
"You know nothing! You suspect everything. You have that kind of mind."
"Your son said - "
"My son unfortunately has honed to perfection every muscle in his body except the ones for thinking with," said the Baroness. "In civilized Ankh-Morpork I daresay you can barge into people"s houses and stamp around, but here in our barbaric backwater the lore requires something beyond mere assertion."
"I can smell the fear," said Angua. "It"s pouring off you, Mother."
"Sam?"
They looked up. Lady Sybil was standing at the top of some stone stairs leading to a lower floor, looking bewildered and angry. She was holding an iron bar with a bend in it.
" Sybil!"
"She told me you were on the run and they were all trying to save you, but that wasn"t right, was it?"
It"s a terrible thing to admit to yourself, but when the shoulderblades are pressed firmly against the brickwork then any weapon will do, and right now Vimes saw Sybil loaded and ready to fire.
She got on with people. Practically from the moment she"d been able to talk she"d been taught how to listen. And when Sybil listened to people she made them feel good about themselves. It was probably something to do with being a... a big girl. She tried to make herself seem small, and by default that made those around her feel bigger. She got on with people almost as well as Carrot did. No wonder even the dwarfs liked her.
She had pages to herself in Twurp"s Peerage, huge ancestral anchors biting into the past, and dwarfs also respected someone who knew their great-great-great-grandfather"s full name. And
Sybil couldn"t lie, you could see her redden when she tried it. Sybil was a rock. She made Detritus look like a sponge.
"We"ve been having a lovely run in the woods, dear," he said. "Now please come here, because I think we"re going to see the King. And I"m going to tell him everything. I"ve worked it out at last."
"The dwarfs will kill you," said the Baroness.
"I can probably outrun a dwarf," said Vimes. "And now we"re leaving. Angua?"
Angua hadn"t moved. Her eyes were still fixed on her mother, and she was still growling.
Vimes recognized the signs. You spotted them in the bars of Ankh-Morpork every Saturday night. Hackles rose, and people climbed up them, and then all that was needed was for someone to break a bottle. Or blink.
"We are leaving, Angua," he repeated. The other werewolves were standing up and stretching.
Carrot reached out and took her arm. She turned, snarling. It was over in a fraction of a second, and in reality her head had hardly moved before she got a grip on herself.
"Sor thiz iz the boy?" said the Baroness, her voice slurring. "You betrrray yourrr people for thizz?"
Her ears were lengthening, Vimes was sure. The muscles in her face were moving strangely, too.
"And what else hass Ankh-Morrporrk taught you?"
Angua shuddered. "Self-control," she muttered. "Let"s go, Mister Vimes."
The werewolves closed in as they backed towards the steps.
"Don"t turn your back," said Angua levelly. "Don"t run."
"Don"t need telling," said Vimes. He was watching Wolfgang, who was moving obliquely across the floor, his eyes fixed on the retreating party.
They"ll have to bunch up to follow us through the doorway, he thought. He glanced at Detritus. The giant crossbow was weaving back and forth as the troll tried to keep all the wolves in the field of fire.
"Fire it," said Angua.
"But they"re your family!" said Sybil.
"They"ll heal soon enough, believe me!"
"Detritus, don"t shoot unless you have to," Vimes ordered, as they headed towards the drawbridge.
"He has to now," said Angua. "Sooner or later Wolfgang will leap, and the others will take - "
"There"s something you ought to know, sir," said Cheery. "You really ought to know it, sir. It"s really important."
Vimes looked across the drawbridge. Figures massed in the dark: Torchlight glinted off armour and weaponry, blocking the way.
"Well, things couldn"t get any worse," he said.
"Oh, they could if there were snakes on here with us," said Lady Sybil.
Carrot turned at the sound of Vimes"s snort of laughter.
"Sir?"
"Oh, nothing, captain. Keep your eyes on the bastards, will you? We can deal with the soldiers later."
"Just say the word, sir," said Detritus.
"You arrre trrapped now," snarled the Baroness. "Watchman! Do yourr duty!"
A figure was walking across the bridge, carrying a torch. Captain Tantony reached Vimes and glared at him.
"Stand aside, sir," he said. "Stand aside, or by gods, ambassador or not, I"ll arrest you!"
Their eyes met. Then Vimes looked away.
"Let"s let him through," he said. "The man"s decided he"s got a duty to do."
Tantony nodded slightly and then marched on across the bridge until he was a few feet from the Baroness. He saluted.
"Take these people away!" she said.
"Lady Serafine von Uberwald?" said Tantony woodenly.
"You know who I am, man!"
"I wish to talk to you concerning certain charges made in my presence."
Vimes closed his eyes. Oh, you poor dumb idiot... I didn"t mean you to actually
"You what?" said the Baroness.
"It has been alleged, my lady, that a member or members of your family have been involved in a conspiracy to - "
"How darrre you!" screamed Serafine.
And Wolfgang leapt, and the future became a series of flickering images.
In mid-air he changed into a wolf.
Vimes grabbed the bottom of Detritus"s bow and forced it upwards at the same time as the troll pulled the trigger.
Carrot was running before Wolfgang landed on Captain Tantony"s chest.
The sound of the bow echoed around the castle, above the noise of a thousand whirring fragments scything through the sky.
Carrot reached Wolfgang in a flat dive. He hit the wolf with his shoulder, and the two of them were bowled over.
Then, like some moving magic lantern show coming back up to speed, the scene exploded.
Carrot got to his feet and
It must be because we"re abroad, thought Vimes. He"s trying to do things properly.
He"d squared up to the werewolf, fists balled, a stance taken straight from Fig. l of The Noble Art of Fisticuffs, which looked impressive right up to the point when your opponent broke your nose with a quart mug.
Carrot had a punch like an iron bar, and he landed a couple of heavy blows on Wolfgang as he got up.
The werewolf seemed more puzzled than hurt. Then he changed shape, caught a fist in both hands and gripped it hard. To Vimes"s horror he stepped forward, without apparent effort, forcing Carrot back.
"Don"t try anything, Angua," said Wolf, grinning happily. "Or else I"ll break his arm. Oh, perhaps I"ll break his arm anyway! Yes!"
Vimes even heard the crack. Carrot went white. Someone holding a broken arm has all the control they need. Another idiot, thought Vimes. When they"re down you don"t let them get back up! Damn the Marquis of Fantailler! Policing by consent was a good theory, but you had to get your opponent to lie still first.
"Ah! And he has other bones!" said Wolfgang, pushing Carrot away. He glanced towards Angua. "Get back, get back. Or I"ll hurt him some more! No, I shall hurt him some more anyway!"
Then Carrot kicked him in the stomach.
Wolfgang went over backwards, but turned this into a backflip and a mid-air spin. He landed lightly, leapt back at the astonished Carrot and punched him twice in the chest.
The blows sounded like shovels hitting wet concrete.
Wolfgang grabbed the falling man, lifted him over his head with one hand and hurled him down on to the bridge in front of Angua. "Civilized man!" he shouted. "Here he is, sister!"
Vimes heard a sound down beside him. Gavin was watching intently, making urgent little noises in his throat. A tiny part of Vimes, the little rock-hard core of cynicism, thought: all right for you, then.
Steam was rising off Wolfgang. He shone in the torchlight. The blond hair across his shoulders gleamed like a slipped halo.
Angua knelt down by the body, face impassive. Vimes had been expecting a scream of rage.
He heard her crying.
Beside Vimes, Gavin whined. Vimes stared down at the wolf. He looked at Angua trying to lift Carrot, and then he looked at Wolfgang. And then back again.
"Anyone else?" said Wolfgang, dancing back and forth on the boards. "How about you, Civilized?"
"Sam!" hissed Sybil. "You can"t - "
Vimes drew his sword. It wouldn"t make any difference now. Wolfgang wasn"t playing now, he wasn"t punching and running away. Those arms could push a fist through Vimes"s ribcage and out the other side
A blur went past at shoulder height. Gavin struck Wolfgang in the throat, knocking him over. They rolled across the bridge, Wolfgang changing back to wolf shape to lock jaw against jaw. They broke, circled, and went for one another again.
Dreamlike, Vimes heard a small voice say: "He wouldn"t last five minutes back home fightin" like that. The silly bugger"s gonna get creamed, fightin" like that! Stuff the Marquis of flamin" Fantailler!"
Gaspode was sitting bolt upright, stubby tail vibrating.
"The daftie! This is how you win a dogfight!"
As the wolves rolled over and over, Wolfgang tearing at Gavin"s belly, Gaspode arrived growling and yapping and launched himself in the general direction of the werewolf"s hindquarters.
There was a yip. Gaspode"s growls became somewhat muffled. Wolfgang leapt vertically. Gavin sprang. The three hit the parapet of the bridge together, knocked the crumbling stones aside, hung for a moment in a snarling ball, and then dropped down into the roaring whiteness of the river.
The whole of it, from the moment Tantony had crossed the bridge, had taken much less than a minute.
The Baroness was staring down into the gorge. Keeping his eye on her, Vimes spoke to Detritus.
"Are you sure you"re werewolf-proof, sergeant?"
"Pretty much, sir. Anyway, I got the bow wound up again."
"Go into the castle and fetch the resident Igor, then," said Vimes calmly. "If anyone even tries to stop you, shoot them. And shoot anyone standing near them."
"No problem about dat, sir."
"We"re not at home to Mister Reasonable, sergeant."
"I do not hear him knockin", sir."
"Go to it, then. Sergeant Angua?"
She did not look up.
"Sergeant Angua!"
Now she looked up.
"How can you be so... so cool?" she snarled. "He"s hurt."
"I know. Go and talk to those watchmen hanging around on the other end of the bridge. They look scared. I don"t want any accidents. We"re going to need them. Cheery, cover Carrot and the lad with something. Keep them warm."
I wish there was something to keep me warm, he thought. The thoughts came slowly, like drips of freezing water. He felt that ice would crackle off him if he moved, that frost would sparkle in his footsteps, that his mind was full of crisp snow.
"And now, madam," he said, turning back to the Baroness, "you will give me the Scone of Stone."
"He"ll be back!" hissed the Baroness. "That fall was nothing! And he"ll find you."
"For the last time... the stone of the dwarfs.
The wolves are waiting out there. The dwarfs are waiting down in the city. Give me the stone, and we all might survive. This is diplomacy. Don"t let me try anything else."
"I have only to say the word - "
Angua began to growl.
Sybil strode towards the Baroness and grabbed her. "You never answered a single letter! All those years I wrote to you!"
The Baroness stared at her in amazement, as people so often did when struck with Sybil"s sharp non sequiturs.
"If you know we"ve got the Scone," she said to Vimes, "then you know it"s not the real one. And much good may it do the dwarfs!"
"Yes, you had it made in Ankh-Morpork. Made in Ankh-Morpork! They should have stamped it on the bottom. But someone killed the man who did it. That"s murder. It"s against the law." Vimes nodded at the Baroness. "It"s a thing we have."
Gaspode dragged himself out of the water and stood; shivering, on the shingle. Every single part of him felt bruised. There was a nasty ringing noise in his ears. Blood dripped down one leg.
The last few minutes had been a little hazy, but he did recall they"d involved a lot of water that had hit him like hammers.
He shook himself. His coat jangled where the water was already freezing.
Out of habit, he walked over to the nearest tree and, wincing, raised a leg.
E XCUSE ME .
A busy, reflective silence followed.
"That was not a good thing you just did," said Gaspode.
I "M SORRY. P ERHAPS THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT MOMENT.
"Not for me, no. You may have caused some physical damage here."
I T"S HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
"Trees don"t normally talk back, is my point." Gaspode sighed. "So what happens now?"
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
"I"m dead, right?"
N O. N O ONE IS MORE SURPRISED THAN ME, I MAY SAY, BUT YOUR TIME DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE NOW.
Death pulled out an hourglass, held it up against the cold stars for a moment, and stalked away along the riverbank.
"scuse me, there"s no chance of a lift, is there?" said Gaspode, struggling after him.
N ONE WHATSOEVER.
"Only, being a short dog in deep snow is not good for the of wossnames, if you get my - "
Death had stopped at a little bay. An indistinct shape lay in a few inches of water.
"Oh," said Gaspode.
Death leaned down. There was a flash of blue and then he vanished.
Gaspode shivered. He paddled into the water and nudged Gavin"s sodden fur with his nose.
"Shouldn"t be like this," he whined. "If you was a human, they"d put you in a big boat on the tide and set fire to it, an" everyone"d see. Shouldn"t just be you an" me down here in the cold."
There was something that had to be done, too. He knew it in his bones. He crawled back to the bank and pulled himself up on to the trunk of a fallen willow.
He cleared his throat. Then he howled.
It started badly, hesitantly, but it picked up and got stronger, richer... and when he paused for breath the howl went on and on, passing from throat to throat across the forest.
The sound wrapped him as he slid off the log and struggled on towards higher ground. It lifted him over the deeper snow. It wound around the trees, a plaiting of many voices becoming something with a life of its own. He remembered thinking: maybe it"ll even get as far as Ankh-Morpork.
Maybe it"ll get much further than that.
Vimes was impressed by the Baroness. She fought back in a corner.
"I know nothing about any deaths - "
A howl came up from the forest. How many wolves were there? You never saw them and then, when they cried out, it sounded as though there was one behind every tree. This one went on and on - it sounded like a cry thrown into a lake of air, the ripples spreading out across the mountains.
Angua threw her head back and screamed. Then, breath hissing between her teeth, she advanced on the Baroness, fingers flexing.
"Give him... the damn stone," she hissed. "Will any... of... you... face me? Now? Then give him the stone!"
"What theemth to be the trouble?"
Igor lurched through the stricken gates, trailed by Detritus. He caught sight of the two bodies and hurried over, like a very large spider.
"Fetch the stone," growled Angua. "And then... we... will leave. I can smell it. Or do you want me to take it?"
Serafine glared at her, then turned on her heel and ran back into the ruins of the castle. The other werewolves shrank back from Angua as if her stare was a whip.
"If you can"t help these men," said Vimes to the kneeling Igor, "your future does not look good."
Igor nodded. "Thith one," he said, indicating Tantony, "fleth woundth, I can thtitch him up a treat, no problem. Thith one," he tapped Carrot, "... nasty break on the arm." He glanced up. "Marthter Wolfgang been playing again?"
"Can you make him well?" snapped Vimes.
"No, it"th hith lucky day," said Igor. "I can make him better. I"ve got thome kidneyth jutht in, a lovely little pair, belonged to young Mithter Crapanthy, hardly touched a drop of thtrong licker, thame about the avalanche..."
"Does he need them?" said Angua.
"No, but you thould never mith an opportunity to improve yourthelf, I alwayth thay."
Igor grinned. It was a strange sight. The scars crawled around his face like caterpillars.
"Just see to the arm," said Vimes firmly.
The Baroness reappeared, flanked by several werewolves. They also backed away as Angua spun around.
"Take it," said Serafine. "Take the wretched thing. It"s a fake. No crime has been committed!"
"I"m a policeman," said Vimes. "I can always find a crime."
The sleigh slid under its own weight down the track towards Bonk, the town"s watchmen running alongside it and giving it the occasional push. With their captain down they were lost and bewildered and in no mood to take orders from Vimes, but they did what Angua commanded because Angua was of the class that traditionally gave them orders.
The two casualties were bedded down on blankets.
"Angua?" said Vimes.
"Yes, sir?"
"There"s wolves keeping pace with us. I can see them running between the trees."
"I know."
"Are they on our side?"
"Let"s just say they"re not on anyone else"s side yet, shall we? They don"t like me much, but they know... Gavin did, and right now that"s what"s important. Some of them are out looking for my brother."
"Would he have survived that? It was a long way down."
"Well, it wasn"t fire or silver. There"s nothing but white water for miles. It probably hurt a lot, but we heal amazingly well, sir."
"Look, I"m sorry that - "
"No, Mister Vimes, you"re not. You shouldn"t be. Carrot just didn"t understand what Wolfgang is like. You can"t beat something like him in a fair fight. I know he"s family, but... personal is not the same as important. Carrot always said that."
"Says that," said Lady Sybil sharply.
"Yes."
Carrot opened his eyes. "What... happened back there?" he said.