The Forever Song
Page 46
The wall between us shattered. I let out a choked, relieved laugh and fell into him. His arms enveloped me, pressing me close, and I clung to his waist, feeling his cool cheek against my neck.
“I’m sorry, Allie,” he murmured. Raising his head, he pressed his forehead to mine, his voice low but steady. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been so consumed with this whole vampire thing, I didn’t see you standing right there. And if I’d just listened, you were telling me exactly what I needed to hear.”
His brow creased in what might’ve been regret, or disgust.
“It’s…pretty bad when the egotistical murdering vampire has to set you straight. I guess I had that kick in the head coming for a while. At least Jackal is good for something.” A painful chuckle escaped him, and he shook his head. “I was blind, but I see things a little more clearly now. I won’t be a burden anymore.”
“You were never a burden,” I told him. “You were just… lost for a little while. We all were, at one point.”
He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and his shoulders trembled. “I’m scared,” he whispered. “I’m terrified that I won’t be able to fight this, that I’ll turn into a demon and lose my soul forever, if it’s not already gone. The only reason I’m here, the one thing that’s keeping me from going out to meet the sun and ending it for good…is you.”
“Zeke…”
He took my arms, his gaze intense as he stared down at me. “I never wanted this,” he said. “All my life, I was taught that vampires are evil and soulless, and that’s what I believed, until I met you. You showed me that I was wrong, that vampires didn’t have to be monsters, and you even made me believe that they could still have a soul. I know that you still have yours. After everything we’ve been through, you’re still hanging on to it with both hands.”
I bit my lip as tears threatened again, hot and stinging.
There it was, that faith that I was more than a monster, even when he couldn’t believe it about himself. Zeke raised a hand to my cheek, brushing it softly with his thumb, still gazing into my eyes.
“I’m not the same person, Allie,” he said quietly. “I’m… not even a person anymore. I tried to kill you. I’ve murdered dozens of people, and I’m the offspring of an insane vampire who wants to destroy the world. The only thing that hasn’t changed, the one thing I’m sure of, are my feelings for you.
But…I’m different now.” He drew back slightly, as if to let me see him better. “I died, Allison,” he said in a soft, firm voice.
“Part of me was killed on that table with Sarren. I’ll still fight for my humanity, as hard as I can, but I know someday I’m going to slip up and give in to the monster. And when that day comes, I’m going to hate myself for a very long time.”
He clenched his jaw, his eyes going dark before he composed himself once more. “So, I have to know, vampire girl. Can you still be with me, even after all that? Even though I’m a monster, that I’ll never be the same?”
I didn’t hesitate. I already knew my answer. Zeke was a vampire. He would struggle with Hunger, rage and bloodlust in a way human Zeke could never fathom. But even as a human, he’d chosen to love a monster, and now it was my turn to trust him. To look past the demon and the monster, and find the human inside.
Reaching up, I slipped my arms around his neck, pulled him to me, and pressed my lips to his.
He sighed, and it seemed like it was a release, a letting go of fear, and doubt, and disbelief. A total surrender. His arms slid around me, gentle yet strong, and his lips moved with mine, kissing me back. Not fevered or passionate, trying to devour each other while desperately trying get close; this was tender and thoughtful and solemn, a promise without words.
I kept my eyes closed as we parted, my hands on either side of his face. “I thought I lost you,” I whispered, feeling the wet tracks on his own skin. “I thought we had more time, even though I knew better. Life is so fragile, and someone can be taken from you at any time. I’ve always known that.”
I slid my hand down his chest, to the spot where, not long ago, his heart had beat steady and sure against my palm. The stillness there now made me a little sad. “I guess I was trying to protect myself.”
“Allie…”
“I love you, Zeke,” I whispered, and he froze. This time, the words didn’t scare me at all. “Vampire or human, it doesn’t matter to me. Sarren could’ve forced you to kill a hundred humans, and it wouldn’t change a thing. I would’ve come back for you regardless. And you’re wrong. You’re stronger then you think. You were the one who taught me that humanity is worth hanging on to, that it’s worth fighting for at all costs. You always told me that I was more than a monster.
Well, now you’re going to have to prove it to yourself. But I’ll be here. I won’t let you fall.”
I finally looked up at him, met those clear blue eyes, saw the raw emotion staring back at me. The doubt and fear still lingered, but for the first time since his death, he looked like Zeke again. I saw the shift from bleak, horror-filled despair to something that, while not completely optimistic, was at least hopeful. I put a hand on his cheek.
“There, preacher boy,” I murmured, and forced a tiny half smirk as he closed his eyes. “I said I love you. Twice. Now, can we please move past this and get on with saving the world?”
He let out a breath that was half laugh, half sob, and yanked me to him, crushing me in his arms. I slid mine around his waist and held him tight, feeling him tremble.
“Don’t let me slip,” he whispered into my neck. “Please.
When I get to Eden, don’t let me give in to the monster.”
“I won’t,” I told him, a promise to Zeke, to myself, to everyone. “You’re going to be fine, Zeke. And after we beat Sarren, we’ll have forever to figure this out.”
Moving to the bed, we sank down together, still holding each other tightly. Eden, a mysterious virus, and Zeke’s terrifying sire waited for us at the end of the road, but right now, all that seemed a little less urgent. I had Zeke back. He was different; he was a vampire, but we’d both taken that first step toward acceptance. It was enough for now. As the sun crept over the buildings outside, tinting the sky red and the roofs orange, I drifted off to sleep with the boy who had died held safely in my arms.
I would never let him go again.
As usual, I woke first, opening my eyes to darkness and taking a moment to remember where I was. The room was small, sparse and empty, a boarded-up window and ancient dresser on the far wall, and a body lying next to me in the tiny bed.
Propping myself on an elbow, I watched him. Zeke lay on his back on the edge of the mattress, unmoving and unbreathing, the sleep of the dead. I put a hand over his heart, missing the warmth, the pulse beneath my fingers, the slight rise and fall of his chest. He didn’t stir, and I resisted the urge to shake him, to prod him awake. Both to see him move, and to see if he was the same Zeke I’d fallen asleep with this morning. Would he remember the convictions of a few short hours ago? I knew there was no reason for him to forget, to relapse, but he had been an emotionless zombie for so long, our last conversation almost felt like a dream. Even though vampires didn’t dream.
“I’m sorry, Allie,” he murmured. Raising his head, he pressed his forehead to mine, his voice low but steady. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been so consumed with this whole vampire thing, I didn’t see you standing right there. And if I’d just listened, you were telling me exactly what I needed to hear.”
His brow creased in what might’ve been regret, or disgust.
“It’s…pretty bad when the egotistical murdering vampire has to set you straight. I guess I had that kick in the head coming for a while. At least Jackal is good for something.” A painful chuckle escaped him, and he shook his head. “I was blind, but I see things a little more clearly now. I won’t be a burden anymore.”
“You were never a burden,” I told him. “You were just… lost for a little while. We all were, at one point.”
He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, and his shoulders trembled. “I’m scared,” he whispered. “I’m terrified that I won’t be able to fight this, that I’ll turn into a demon and lose my soul forever, if it’s not already gone. The only reason I’m here, the one thing that’s keeping me from going out to meet the sun and ending it for good…is you.”
“Zeke…”
He took my arms, his gaze intense as he stared down at me. “I never wanted this,” he said. “All my life, I was taught that vampires are evil and soulless, and that’s what I believed, until I met you. You showed me that I was wrong, that vampires didn’t have to be monsters, and you even made me believe that they could still have a soul. I know that you still have yours. After everything we’ve been through, you’re still hanging on to it with both hands.”
I bit my lip as tears threatened again, hot and stinging.
There it was, that faith that I was more than a monster, even when he couldn’t believe it about himself. Zeke raised a hand to my cheek, brushing it softly with his thumb, still gazing into my eyes.
“I’m not the same person, Allie,” he said quietly. “I’m… not even a person anymore. I tried to kill you. I’ve murdered dozens of people, and I’m the offspring of an insane vampire who wants to destroy the world. The only thing that hasn’t changed, the one thing I’m sure of, are my feelings for you.
But…I’m different now.” He drew back slightly, as if to let me see him better. “I died, Allison,” he said in a soft, firm voice.
“Part of me was killed on that table with Sarren. I’ll still fight for my humanity, as hard as I can, but I know someday I’m going to slip up and give in to the monster. And when that day comes, I’m going to hate myself for a very long time.”
He clenched his jaw, his eyes going dark before he composed himself once more. “So, I have to know, vampire girl. Can you still be with me, even after all that? Even though I’m a monster, that I’ll never be the same?”
I didn’t hesitate. I already knew my answer. Zeke was a vampire. He would struggle with Hunger, rage and bloodlust in a way human Zeke could never fathom. But even as a human, he’d chosen to love a monster, and now it was my turn to trust him. To look past the demon and the monster, and find the human inside.
Reaching up, I slipped my arms around his neck, pulled him to me, and pressed my lips to his.
He sighed, and it seemed like it was a release, a letting go of fear, and doubt, and disbelief. A total surrender. His arms slid around me, gentle yet strong, and his lips moved with mine, kissing me back. Not fevered or passionate, trying to devour each other while desperately trying get close; this was tender and thoughtful and solemn, a promise without words.
I kept my eyes closed as we parted, my hands on either side of his face. “I thought I lost you,” I whispered, feeling the wet tracks on his own skin. “I thought we had more time, even though I knew better. Life is so fragile, and someone can be taken from you at any time. I’ve always known that.”
I slid my hand down his chest, to the spot where, not long ago, his heart had beat steady and sure against my palm. The stillness there now made me a little sad. “I guess I was trying to protect myself.”
“Allie…”
“I love you, Zeke,” I whispered, and he froze. This time, the words didn’t scare me at all. “Vampire or human, it doesn’t matter to me. Sarren could’ve forced you to kill a hundred humans, and it wouldn’t change a thing. I would’ve come back for you regardless. And you’re wrong. You’re stronger then you think. You were the one who taught me that humanity is worth hanging on to, that it’s worth fighting for at all costs. You always told me that I was more than a monster.
Well, now you’re going to have to prove it to yourself. But I’ll be here. I won’t let you fall.”
I finally looked up at him, met those clear blue eyes, saw the raw emotion staring back at me. The doubt and fear still lingered, but for the first time since his death, he looked like Zeke again. I saw the shift from bleak, horror-filled despair to something that, while not completely optimistic, was at least hopeful. I put a hand on his cheek.
“There, preacher boy,” I murmured, and forced a tiny half smirk as he closed his eyes. “I said I love you. Twice. Now, can we please move past this and get on with saving the world?”
He let out a breath that was half laugh, half sob, and yanked me to him, crushing me in his arms. I slid mine around his waist and held him tight, feeling him tremble.
“Don’t let me slip,” he whispered into my neck. “Please.
When I get to Eden, don’t let me give in to the monster.”
“I won’t,” I told him, a promise to Zeke, to myself, to everyone. “You’re going to be fine, Zeke. And after we beat Sarren, we’ll have forever to figure this out.”
Moving to the bed, we sank down together, still holding each other tightly. Eden, a mysterious virus, and Zeke’s terrifying sire waited for us at the end of the road, but right now, all that seemed a little less urgent. I had Zeke back. He was different; he was a vampire, but we’d both taken that first step toward acceptance. It was enough for now. As the sun crept over the buildings outside, tinting the sky red and the roofs orange, I drifted off to sleep with the boy who had died held safely in my arms.
I would never let him go again.
As usual, I woke first, opening my eyes to darkness and taking a moment to remember where I was. The room was small, sparse and empty, a boarded-up window and ancient dresser on the far wall, and a body lying next to me in the tiny bed.
Propping myself on an elbow, I watched him. Zeke lay on his back on the edge of the mattress, unmoving and unbreathing, the sleep of the dead. I put a hand over his heart, missing the warmth, the pulse beneath my fingers, the slight rise and fall of his chest. He didn’t stir, and I resisted the urge to shake him, to prod him awake. Both to see him move, and to see if he was the same Zeke I’d fallen asleep with this morning. Would he remember the convictions of a few short hours ago? I knew there was no reason for him to forget, to relapse, but he had been an emotionless zombie for so long, our last conversation almost felt like a dream. Even though vampires didn’t dream.
