The Gamble
Page 153
I didn’t know how much more I could take and my voice had gone from demanding to pleading when I repeated, “Max, get off.”
“You wanted the comparison, babe, you got it. Now you know what Anna gave me and what I gave her.”
“I didn’t want the comparison!” I cried.
“Yeah you did, you’re all fired certain you can’t compete, convinced yourself of it.”
“Well obviously I can’t because, obviously, harmony is not what you’ll get from me.”
“There’s no replacing Anna.”
I looked away, closed my eyes and quit pressing against his chest. I was going to block him out, that was the only defense he was giving me so I was going to take it.
His words still came at me though, unfortunately. I couldn’t block them just by closing my eyes.
“You lose anyone, there’s no replacing them. There’ll never be another Charlie, you know that. And there’ll never be another Anna. What you need to get is that’s precious, you get to keep that, you don’t want to replace it. That doesn’t mean you can’t find something else just as good.”
Right, I thought but didn’t say it out loud but with his Wonder Max powers he must have read that word on my face.
“Christ,” he gritted out. “I don’t want harmony from you, Nina. I just want you.”
“Can you get off me, please?” I asked quietly.
“Look at me.”
“Please, Max.”
“Dammit, Nina, look at me.”
I looked at him and his eyes roamed my face then his hand came up and cupped it.
“I see what I had with Anna for the gift it was but now that’s gone. With this act, are you sayin’, in this life that’s all I get?”
“No,” I whispered honestly and the words I said next were coming from somewhere I didn’t know I had, saying things I didn’t know I needed to say but things instinctively I knew he needed to hear and understand in a belated effort on my part to protect him for his own good. “What I’m saying is, you’re you and you deserve better.”
He looked genuinely confused when he asked, “Better than what?”
“Better than me.”
I felt his big body jolt and it jarred me, sending a shot of pain through my ribs but I ignored that, focusing on his face which looked utterly stunned.
“You shittin’ me?” he asked softly.
Yes, stunned.
“No,” I replied just as softly.
His thumb swept my cheekbone and his face gentled as he murmured, “Jesus, baby.”
“Think about it, Max,” I implored urgently. “I’m argumentative and my head is messed up. Do you know, Charlie talks to me?” I asked then didn’t wait for an answer even as I took in his head jerking at the question. “He does. It started just recently but he does, like he lives in there. I’m not remembering him, things he’s said, he’s actually talking to me. And lately I’ve been talking back. It’s insane.”
“Duchess –” Max started but I kept right on speaking.
“And I do stupid stuff all the time or at least I did before Niles and then there was Niles, who was stupid from start to finish. But before him, it wasn’t just all the bad choices with men, I was always doing crazy stuff, like Mom but not benign stuff, like concocting disgusting food. The Brain Team thing wasn’t the first or the last time I was off on one. I was always off on one. Do you know I’ve been arrested?” His eyebrows went up and I nodded my head on the pillow. “Not brawling, it was drunk and disorderly except I wasn’t really drunk, more like tipsy but I was disorderly because I was yelling really loudly and, in the end, I kind of threw a beer bottle at someone.” Max pressed his lips together, I again didn’t know what this meant but I defended myself. “He deserved it, he smacked a girl’s behind right in front of my friend, who was his girlfriend, and he was doing that kind of that stuff all the time and it hurt her so, being tipsy, I’d had enough and I let fly, shouting at him and throwing the beer bottle. Anyway, I wasn’t aiming at him so it didn’t hit him, just smashed on a wall and got some girl’s purse wet. She was kind of angry about it because the purse was designer so she was the one who called the police.”
“Babe –”
On a roll, I talked over him and continued laying out my case. “And I’m totally neurotic. I know why, seeing as my Dad left me and then I chose all of those stupid guys so I have issues with that, as you know. I just don’t know how to stop it. You told me all the guys at the bar were looking at me and even Harry said he’d do me but does that register with me? No. I can’t let people be nice to me, say nice things to me, I just can’t accept it as fact and that makes me just plain weird.”
This time, his brows knit and his face grew hard when he repeated in a low, dangerous voice, “Harry said he’d do you?”
“Yes,” I told him, too caught up in relaying my urgent message to catch his change in mood. “Harry was drunk and acting like an idiot but I don’t know why you want me. It’s mad.”
“Nina –”
“I mean, I go on a vacation to try to figure out my life and here I am, my leg’s scraped up, my ribs are bruised, I’ve been backhanded and punched, I’ve been to a hospital once and a Police Station three times and I’ve been into it with practically everyone in town and, if you take out the time I’ve been sick, I’ve only been here a week!”
“Duchess, let me –”
“What is it with me?” I asked over him then again didn’t wait for an answer, just kept blathering. “I need a timeout to deal with my timeout! That’s how messed up I am. And you’re a good guy, the best, you take care of people, everyone respects you, you’re nice and you’re handsome and you’re generous and smart and you don’t need all that is messed up me messing up you.”
“Babe, will you shut up?”
At his tone, which managed to be both commanding and gentle, my head jerked on the pillow and belatedly I focused on him.
“What?” I asked.
“Shut up,” he said softly.
“Okay,” I replied instantly because his face was also gentle, gentle to the point of being tender, though his eyes were dancing like he was laughing inside. The combination of the two was so amazing, it was beyond amazing, indescribably amazing and I could do nothing but what he told me to do.
“You wanted the comparison, babe, you got it. Now you know what Anna gave me and what I gave her.”
“I didn’t want the comparison!” I cried.
“Yeah you did, you’re all fired certain you can’t compete, convinced yourself of it.”
“Well obviously I can’t because, obviously, harmony is not what you’ll get from me.”
“There’s no replacing Anna.”
I looked away, closed my eyes and quit pressing against his chest. I was going to block him out, that was the only defense he was giving me so I was going to take it.
His words still came at me though, unfortunately. I couldn’t block them just by closing my eyes.
“You lose anyone, there’s no replacing them. There’ll never be another Charlie, you know that. And there’ll never be another Anna. What you need to get is that’s precious, you get to keep that, you don’t want to replace it. That doesn’t mean you can’t find something else just as good.”
Right, I thought but didn’t say it out loud but with his Wonder Max powers he must have read that word on my face.
“Christ,” he gritted out. “I don’t want harmony from you, Nina. I just want you.”
“Can you get off me, please?” I asked quietly.
“Look at me.”
“Please, Max.”
“Dammit, Nina, look at me.”
I looked at him and his eyes roamed my face then his hand came up and cupped it.
“I see what I had with Anna for the gift it was but now that’s gone. With this act, are you sayin’, in this life that’s all I get?”
“No,” I whispered honestly and the words I said next were coming from somewhere I didn’t know I had, saying things I didn’t know I needed to say but things instinctively I knew he needed to hear and understand in a belated effort on my part to protect him for his own good. “What I’m saying is, you’re you and you deserve better.”
He looked genuinely confused when he asked, “Better than what?”
“Better than me.”
I felt his big body jolt and it jarred me, sending a shot of pain through my ribs but I ignored that, focusing on his face which looked utterly stunned.
“You shittin’ me?” he asked softly.
Yes, stunned.
“No,” I replied just as softly.
His thumb swept my cheekbone and his face gentled as he murmured, “Jesus, baby.”
“Think about it, Max,” I implored urgently. “I’m argumentative and my head is messed up. Do you know, Charlie talks to me?” I asked then didn’t wait for an answer even as I took in his head jerking at the question. “He does. It started just recently but he does, like he lives in there. I’m not remembering him, things he’s said, he’s actually talking to me. And lately I’ve been talking back. It’s insane.”
“Duchess –” Max started but I kept right on speaking.
“And I do stupid stuff all the time or at least I did before Niles and then there was Niles, who was stupid from start to finish. But before him, it wasn’t just all the bad choices with men, I was always doing crazy stuff, like Mom but not benign stuff, like concocting disgusting food. The Brain Team thing wasn’t the first or the last time I was off on one. I was always off on one. Do you know I’ve been arrested?” His eyebrows went up and I nodded my head on the pillow. “Not brawling, it was drunk and disorderly except I wasn’t really drunk, more like tipsy but I was disorderly because I was yelling really loudly and, in the end, I kind of threw a beer bottle at someone.” Max pressed his lips together, I again didn’t know what this meant but I defended myself. “He deserved it, he smacked a girl’s behind right in front of my friend, who was his girlfriend, and he was doing that kind of that stuff all the time and it hurt her so, being tipsy, I’d had enough and I let fly, shouting at him and throwing the beer bottle. Anyway, I wasn’t aiming at him so it didn’t hit him, just smashed on a wall and got some girl’s purse wet. She was kind of angry about it because the purse was designer so she was the one who called the police.”
“Babe –”
On a roll, I talked over him and continued laying out my case. “And I’m totally neurotic. I know why, seeing as my Dad left me and then I chose all of those stupid guys so I have issues with that, as you know. I just don’t know how to stop it. You told me all the guys at the bar were looking at me and even Harry said he’d do me but does that register with me? No. I can’t let people be nice to me, say nice things to me, I just can’t accept it as fact and that makes me just plain weird.”
This time, his brows knit and his face grew hard when he repeated in a low, dangerous voice, “Harry said he’d do you?”
“Yes,” I told him, too caught up in relaying my urgent message to catch his change in mood. “Harry was drunk and acting like an idiot but I don’t know why you want me. It’s mad.”
“Nina –”
“I mean, I go on a vacation to try to figure out my life and here I am, my leg’s scraped up, my ribs are bruised, I’ve been backhanded and punched, I’ve been to a hospital once and a Police Station three times and I’ve been into it with practically everyone in town and, if you take out the time I’ve been sick, I’ve only been here a week!”
“Duchess, let me –”
“What is it with me?” I asked over him then again didn’t wait for an answer, just kept blathering. “I need a timeout to deal with my timeout! That’s how messed up I am. And you’re a good guy, the best, you take care of people, everyone respects you, you’re nice and you’re handsome and you’re generous and smart and you don’t need all that is messed up me messing up you.”
“Babe, will you shut up?”
At his tone, which managed to be both commanding and gentle, my head jerked on the pillow and belatedly I focused on him.
“What?” I asked.
“Shut up,” he said softly.
“Okay,” I replied instantly because his face was also gentle, gentle to the point of being tender, though his eyes were dancing like he was laughing inside. The combination of the two was so amazing, it was beyond amazing, indescribably amazing and I could do nothing but what he told me to do.
