The Helmet of Horror

Chapter Three

Monstradamus
I think he/she means what he/she says.
UGLI 666
I'm female, since it interests you so very much. My name's xxx, I'm a xxx by profession and a xxx by education, but by vocation I've always been a xxx. I've read everything already. And I have nothing interesting to add. As for whether I'm being serious or not, you can be quite sure I always mean what I say.
Organizm(-:
Tell me, Ugly, did you invent your views to match your name or was your name invented to match your views?
UGLI 666
My name's for my sins. And so is yours.
Organizm(-:
But do you know what 'UGLI' really means? It's not from the word 'ugly' as you probably thought. It's 'Universal Gate for Logic Implementation'. A universal logic element, I remember that from school. So if you chose your views to match your name you were looking in the wrong place altogether.
Monstradamus
We were talking about Ariadne's dream. It has been suggested that she was shown it specially and it contains information for everyone.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What does that mean  -  shown it specially? This isn't a cinema. And if the information's for everyone, then why was it shown to Ariadne?
Organizm(-:
You'll get a showing too, don't be in such a hurry.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
You think that monster in the bronze helmet really is walking about outside our doors?
UGLI 666
You don't have to take everything so literally. In the dream the door was made of wood, with a bull's head. But in here it's made of bronze, with an infernal symbol. Dreams are metaphorical.
IsoldA
Ariadne saw Romeo in her dream and when she described him he recognised himself. What kind of metaphor is that?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Who says I recognised myself? It was just a couple of details that matched.
IsoldA
But what kind of details? There can't be many tattoos like that. An anchor with a dollar sign.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Let's introduce a bit of clarity here. I actually do have a tattoo on my arm, just above the wrist. It's a fountain of oil, gushing up through a dollar sign. From upside down it looks a bit like an anchor. That's all. I don't know what tattoo she saw. And my yacht club symbol is nothing like that.
Sartrik
xxx me, a xxx sailor.
Nutscracker
New members, once again, please introduce yourselves.
Sartrik
I'm absolutely xxx. My entire body aches.
Monstradamus
Have you been beaten up, or what?
Sartrik
I feel sick. Is there any beer to be had around here?
Monstradamus
I doubt it. Did you overdo it yesterday then?
Sartrik
Something of the sort.
Nutscracker
How did you end up in here?
Sartrik
I don't remember a thing.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Leave the man alone, let him get his head together. But can this dream of Ariadne's be interpreted scientifically? Seems to me Monstradamus knows about that kind of thing.
Monstradamus
What does 'interpreted scientifically' mean?
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Well, for instance, this Asterisk is tall, with a big helmet. That symbolises the male sexual organ in a state of erection.
Organizm(-:
And the two dwarves symbolise the balls, do they?
Nutscracker
Cool it, Romeo. Sometimes a cochiba's just a cigar.
IsoldA
Could you talk about that separately somehow?
UGLI 666
I second that motion.
Organizm(-:
Unfortunately we can't just go out into the corridor.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
You didn't answer the question, Monstradamus. Can the dream be analysed?
Monstradamus
If you're thinking of penis symbolism, then I've got nothing to add to what Nutcracker said. But I do have a few observations along an entirely different line. I can share them if you're interested.
Nutscracker
Of course we're interested.
Monstradamus
In the first place, the names. Has anyone any guesses on that score?
UGLI 666
Names of demons from hell.
Monstradamus
The soap, the toilet paper and other items in the bathroom are all marked with something that looks like the symbol for indicating a footnote  -  a little star. It's called an asterisk, which is also the name of the character Ariadne dreamed about. It sounds a lot like 'Asterius'.
UGLI 666
What's 'Asterius'?
Monstradamus
'Starry' in Latin. Asterius, the son of Minos and Parsiphae. The half-man, half-animal from Crete. Better known as the Minotaur.
Sartrik
That one on the 'Remy Martin' bottle?
Organizm(-:
No, the 'Remy Martin' beast is a Cyclops. The Minotaur is a freak with a bull's head.
Sartrik
God, I feel really sick.
Monstradamus
Now for that double axe on the door. In Greek it's called a 'labros'. That's where we get the word 'Labyrinth', the place where the Minotaur lived. Some accounts say it was a beautiful palace with lots of corridors and rooms, according to others it was a foul-smelling cave with numerous branches plunged in eternal darkness. Or it could be that people from different cultures had different impressions of the same place.
IsoldA
But what has an axe got to do with a labyrinth?
Monstradamus
They find them in Crete. Where the labyrinth was. That's all I know.
UGLI 666
Maybe the Minotaur was killed with an axe like that?
Monstradamus
Let me go on with the names. As well as Asterius and Asterisk, it's hard not to notice another coincidence. It was Ariadne who dreamed about him. That was the name of the Minotaur's sister. And it was also Ariadne who started this thread with the question about the labyrinth.
IsoldA
It's a very common name. I had a lotion for dry skin called 'Ariadne's Milk'.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
Names and coincidences are all very well. But what I don't understand is  -  what are we going to do?
Monstradamus
Well, what can we do? Wait for Theseus, who will lead us out of the labyrinth. And hope the joke doesn't go too far.
UGLI 666
Does it seem like a joke to you?
Monstradamus
Well, I'd say our hosts certainly seem to have a sense of humour.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
I haven't laughed even once yet.
Nutscracker
Monster's right. There's definitely humour in all of this, only it's infernal humour. Forcing serious people like us to call each other by idiotic names. Dressing us in ancient Greek chitons and making us sit at these screens. And then the Internet we end up in has about as much to do with the real one as we do with Ancient Greece.
Organizm(-:
It's not really all that different. The screen design is an imitation of the 'Guardian' site. The heading is the same  -  'Guardian Unlimited'. And the chat area looks the same. The difference is there are hundreds of threads there. But we've only got one.
Monstradamus
The name makes sense though. Our Guardian really is unlimited.
Nutscracker
And another joke is the Merrill Lynch symbol on the flag.
Organizm(-:
But Ariadne saw the flag in a dream, so it's not clear whose joke it is. Our moderators' or hers.
Monstradamus
I wouldn't like to alarm anyone, but shouldn't we consider the possibility that Ariadne herself is also a joke by our moderators, as Organism called them.
Organizm(-:
Why's that?
Monstradamus
Because, phenomenologically speaking, she only exists in the form of messages of unknown origin signed 'Ariadne'.
Ariadne
Thanks. Ariadne.
Monstradamus
Ariadne, please don't take offence. I'm talking about a hypothetical possibility. It doesn't mean I suspect you of anything. The same thing could apply to any of us.
Organizm(-:
What does 'phenomenologically' mean?
Monstradamus
It's the way you can see these words now.
Ariadne
Everything I told you was the truth.
Nutscracker
Nobody ever doubted it. Nebuchadnezzar's just theorising, right?
Monstradamus
I'm not Nebuchadnezzar.
Nutscracker
Sorry, Monstradamus.
Monstradamus
I'm no more Monstradamus than I am Nebuchadnezzar, so what's the difference?
Organizm(-:
You know what I think? Either no one's noticed it or everyone has, but no one's saying.
Romeo-y-Cohiba
What's that, then?
Organizm(-:
We don't post our messages complete, like in a normal chat room. The words appear on the screen one letter at a time, in real time. We can even interrupt each other, and then three dots appear at the end of the phrase that's interrupted.
Nutscracker
Everyone's noticed that.
Organizm(-: