The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
Page 61
A sigh. If he is lonely enough, he might.
I dont want him! Fitfully, the child moves away from the stroking hand and looks up. His eyes reflect the light like those of some nocturnal beast. I will never betray you, Papa. Never!
Shhh. The father bends, laying a gentle kiss on the childs forehead. I know.
And the child flings himself forward then, burying his face in soft darkness, weeping. The father holds him, rocking him gently, and begins to sing. In his voice I hear echoes of every mother who has ever comforted her child in the small hours, and every father who has ever whispered hopes into an infants ear. I do not understand the pain I perceive, wrapped around both of them like chains, but I can tell that love is their defense against it.
It is a private moment; I am an intruder. I loosen invisible fingers, and let this dream slip through them and away.
* * *
I felt the poor sleep keenly when I dragged myself awake well into the next day. The inside of my head felt muddy, congealed. I sat on the edge of the bed with my knees drawn up, gazing through the windows at a bright, clear noon sky and thinking, I am going to die.
I am going to DIE.
In seven daysno, six now.
Die.
I am ashamed to admit that this litany went on for some time. The seriousness of my situation had not sunk in before; impending death had taken second place to Darrs jeopardy and a celestial conspiracy. But now I had no one yanking on my soul to distract me, and all I could think of was death. I was not yet twenty years old. I had never been in love. I had not mastered the nine forms of the knife. I had nevergods. I had never really lived, beyond the legacies left to me by my parents: ennu, and Arameri. It seemed almost incomprehensible that I was doomed, and yet I was.
Because if the Arameri did not kill me, I had no illusions about the Enefadeh. I was the sheath for the sword they hoped to draw against Itempas, their sole means of escape. If the succession ceremony was postponed, or if by some miracle I succeeded in becoming Dekartas heir, I was certain the Enefadeh would simply kill me. Clearly, unlike other Arameri, I had no protection against harm by them; doubtless that was one of the alterations they had applied to my blood sigil. And killing me might be the easiest way for them to free Enefas soul with minimal harm. Sieh might mourn the necessity of my death, but no one else in Sky would.
So I lay on the bed and trembled and wept and might have continued to do so for the rest of the dayone-sixth of my remaining lifeif there had not come a knock at the door.
That pulled me back to myself, more or less. I was still wearing the clothes Id slept in from the day before; my hair was mussed; my face was puffy and my eyes red. I hadnt bathed. I opened the door a crack to see Tvril, to my great dismay, with a tray of food in one hand.
Greetings, Cousin He paused, took a second look at me, and scowled. What in demons happened to you?
N-nothing, I mumbled, then tried to close the door. He slapped it open with his free hand, pushing me back and stepping inside. I would have protested, but the words died in my throat as he looked me up and down with an expression that would have made my grandmother proud.
Youre letting them win, arent you? he asked.
I think my mouth might have dropped open. He sighed. Sit down.
I closed my mouth. How do you
I know nearly everything that happens in this place, Yeine. The upcoming ball, for example, and what will happen afterward. Halfbloods usually arent told, but I have connections. He gently took me by the shoulders. Youve found out, too, I suspect, which is why youre sitting here going to rot.
On another occasion I would have been pleased that hed finally called me by my name. Now I shook my head dumbly and rubbed my temples where a weary ache had settled. Tvril, you dont
Sit down, you silly fool, before you pass out and I have to call Viraine. Which, incidentally, you dont want me to do. His remedies are effective but highly unpleasant. He took my hand and guided me over to my table.
I came because they told me you hadnt ordered breakfast or a midday meal, and I thought you might be starving yourself again. Sitting me and the tray down, he picked up a dish of some sort of sectioned fruit, speared a piece on a fork, and thrust this at my face until I ate it. You seemed a sensible girl when you first came here. Gods know this place has a way of knocking the sense out of a person, but I never expected you to yield so easily. Arent you a warrior, or something like that? The rumors have you swinging through trees half-naked with a spear.
I glared at him, affront cutting through my muddle. Thats the stupidest thing youve ever said to me.
So youre not dead yet. Good. He took my chin between his fingers, peering into my eyes. And they havent defeated you yet. Do you understand?
I dont want him! Fitfully, the child moves away from the stroking hand and looks up. His eyes reflect the light like those of some nocturnal beast. I will never betray you, Papa. Never!
Shhh. The father bends, laying a gentle kiss on the childs forehead. I know.
And the child flings himself forward then, burying his face in soft darkness, weeping. The father holds him, rocking him gently, and begins to sing. In his voice I hear echoes of every mother who has ever comforted her child in the small hours, and every father who has ever whispered hopes into an infants ear. I do not understand the pain I perceive, wrapped around both of them like chains, but I can tell that love is their defense against it.
It is a private moment; I am an intruder. I loosen invisible fingers, and let this dream slip through them and away.
* * *
I felt the poor sleep keenly when I dragged myself awake well into the next day. The inside of my head felt muddy, congealed. I sat on the edge of the bed with my knees drawn up, gazing through the windows at a bright, clear noon sky and thinking, I am going to die.
I am going to DIE.
In seven daysno, six now.
Die.
I am ashamed to admit that this litany went on for some time. The seriousness of my situation had not sunk in before; impending death had taken second place to Darrs jeopardy and a celestial conspiracy. But now I had no one yanking on my soul to distract me, and all I could think of was death. I was not yet twenty years old. I had never been in love. I had not mastered the nine forms of the knife. I had nevergods. I had never really lived, beyond the legacies left to me by my parents: ennu, and Arameri. It seemed almost incomprehensible that I was doomed, and yet I was.
Because if the Arameri did not kill me, I had no illusions about the Enefadeh. I was the sheath for the sword they hoped to draw against Itempas, their sole means of escape. If the succession ceremony was postponed, or if by some miracle I succeeded in becoming Dekartas heir, I was certain the Enefadeh would simply kill me. Clearly, unlike other Arameri, I had no protection against harm by them; doubtless that was one of the alterations they had applied to my blood sigil. And killing me might be the easiest way for them to free Enefas soul with minimal harm. Sieh might mourn the necessity of my death, but no one else in Sky would.
So I lay on the bed and trembled and wept and might have continued to do so for the rest of the dayone-sixth of my remaining lifeif there had not come a knock at the door.
That pulled me back to myself, more or less. I was still wearing the clothes Id slept in from the day before; my hair was mussed; my face was puffy and my eyes red. I hadnt bathed. I opened the door a crack to see Tvril, to my great dismay, with a tray of food in one hand.
Greetings, Cousin He paused, took a second look at me, and scowled. What in demons happened to you?
N-nothing, I mumbled, then tried to close the door. He slapped it open with his free hand, pushing me back and stepping inside. I would have protested, but the words died in my throat as he looked me up and down with an expression that would have made my grandmother proud.
Youre letting them win, arent you? he asked.
I think my mouth might have dropped open. He sighed. Sit down.
I closed my mouth. How do you
I know nearly everything that happens in this place, Yeine. The upcoming ball, for example, and what will happen afterward. Halfbloods usually arent told, but I have connections. He gently took me by the shoulders. Youve found out, too, I suspect, which is why youre sitting here going to rot.
On another occasion I would have been pleased that hed finally called me by my name. Now I shook my head dumbly and rubbed my temples where a weary ache had settled. Tvril, you dont
Sit down, you silly fool, before you pass out and I have to call Viraine. Which, incidentally, you dont want me to do. His remedies are effective but highly unpleasant. He took my hand and guided me over to my table.
I came because they told me you hadnt ordered breakfast or a midday meal, and I thought you might be starving yourself again. Sitting me and the tray down, he picked up a dish of some sort of sectioned fruit, speared a piece on a fork, and thrust this at my face until I ate it. You seemed a sensible girl when you first came here. Gods know this place has a way of knocking the sense out of a person, but I never expected you to yield so easily. Arent you a warrior, or something like that? The rumors have you swinging through trees half-naked with a spear.
I glared at him, affront cutting through my muddle. Thats the stupidest thing youve ever said to me.
So youre not dead yet. Good. He took my chin between his fingers, peering into my eyes. And they havent defeated you yet. Do you understand?
