The Impact of You

Page 18

“Hi,” she says, softly.
“Hey. You want some company?”
She nods and motions me inside. Avery collapses onto the bed and scoots over, making room for me. We lie side by side and stare up at the bumpy stucco ceiling.
“Today was pretty heavy, huh?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“How do you feel?”
She takes her time responding. “It went better than I ever hoped for. She’s nice and normal.”
I nod, encouraging her. I want to reach out and take her hand again, but I hesitate. I don’t want her thinking I’m in here for any other reason than just to be here for her and to talk. “Is she what you imagined? You look just like her.”
Avery sighs and continues, “Yeah, that was kinda cool. I always wondered if I looked like her. But that sadness inside me didn’t just vanish when I met her. I guess you can’t erase nineteen years’ worth of being absent – of giving me up in the first place.”
This time I don’t hesitate. I take her hand and lace her fingers between mine. She turns her head to the side and gives me a shaky smile. “Are you okay?”
She nods. “Yeah. I didn’t want to ask her about any of that this first time. I didn’t want to spoil the moment, you know?”
I give her hand a squeeze and wait for her to continue.
“And I guess it just cemented that my dads really are my family.”
“They love you,” I say, remembering the photos I saw of Avery as a little girl in between the two beaming-with-pride men. She was clearly adored and very much wanted by them.
“I know. They wanted to come today. And so did Madison and Noah, for that matter.”
“But you let me,” I say.
Avery doesn’t respond, she just watches me while the weight of the moment between us blooms into more. The air around us is heavy, and I wish things could go back to being easy and carefree. But I know she needs me now more than ever.
A single tear slips from the corner of her eye. I’m not surprised; I’d been wondering how she was still holding it together. Dampness swims in her eyes, but she doesn’t look away. I rub the back of her hand lightly with my thumb. “It’s okay. Let it out. I’ve got you.”
She does, turning to fit herself in my arms, and sobs into my neck, her chest heaving with each ragged breath. Each cry that breaks through her throat cuts me open. I hold her through it all, knowing there’s no place I’d rather be.
Chapter 29
Avery
I sob for all the lost time, the memories that we’d never create, the mother that abandoned me as a baby. I cry for a life that could have been. For the choice my mom had to make and at such a young age, and for the circumstances that led to that decision.
Life is a crapshoot. We’ve all been dealt a hand that we have no choice but to play – my mom by getting pregnant too young, me with simply the circumstances I was born into.
After meeting her face to face, seeing how normal she is, I’m not immature enough to believe she’d given me up because I was a bad baby. No. She’d made the best decision she could for me and for herself. But that didn’t make this any easier. She’d done the most selfless thing she could do. She’d given me to two loving parents who desperately wanted a child. It broke my heart. There’s grief and loss mixed in with happiness and joy. It’s all too much.
Jase just holds me. He lets me completely fall apart. He doesn’t say anything, other than making calming sounds meant to soothe. He rubs my back in slow circles and rocks me silently against his chest. I can’t even let myself hope what his presence might mean. He’s here now, all solid and warm, and holding me. It’s not nearly enough, but it’ll do. For now.
By the time I’m all cried out, my throat is raw and Jase’s T-shirt is soaked with my tears, but he doesn’t seem the least bit concerned about this shirt. His hand continues its soothing path, rubbing slow circles between my shoulder blades while my breathing returns to normal.
Jase
When her tears finally stop, little unsteady hiccups continue to rasp in her chest for several minutes more. Avery eventually lifts her head from my shoulder and blinks up at me, wiping away the remnants of her makeup.
“I’m sorry,” she croaks, her voice raw from crying.
“No. Don’t be. I’m glad you let it out, and I’m glad I could be here for you.”
She nods. “Thanks, Jase.”
“Anytime, Whistle.”
Confusion crosses her face at hearing the nickname I haven’t used in a while. She’s wondering the same thing I am – about us. About where we stand now.
She sits up on the bed, completely disentangling herself from me. The loss of warmth from her body next to mine is unwelcome, but I resist the urge to tug her back to me.
“I’m gonna take a shower,” she says.
Her face is red, her chest splotchy and her hair is a tangled, matted mess--the strands framing her face slightly damp from her tears. “Yeah, okay.” The warm water will soothe her some, I hope. “I’ll go out and pick us up dinner. We can eat here in bed if you’re okay with that, and watch TV.”
She climbs from the bed. “Yeah, low key sounds great.”
I didn’t figure she’d be up for going out someplace. I take the keys from the bedside table and watch as Avery disappears into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. When I hear the water turn on, I have to fight the urge to go in after her.
I return a little while later with bags of Chinese takeout. Dressed in a white tank and pink cotton pants, Avery sits cross-legged in the center of the bed. “Hi,” she says.
Her smile is back, so I can only assume the shower helped. Her hair is still damp, but combed neatly and secured in a braid across her shoulder. It makes her look younger. Beautiful. Food is suddenly the last thing on my mind.
“What’d you get us? It smells good.”
I set the bag on the bedside table and begin unloading the paper cartons. “Chinese. Hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah, that’s perfect.”
We eat spicy noodles, spring rolls and almond chicken while watching a mindless comedy on cable. By the time we’re full, Avery is openly laughing at the movie. I throw the leftovers away in my adjoining room and close the door. I’m hopeful we’ll share a bed tonight. Even if nothing else happens, I just want to be near her. And I figure we won’t want to breathe in the smell of old Chinese food all night.
Avery has stacked all the pillows from my bed and hers up against the headboard and is lounging against them when I return from brushing my teeth. “You’re looking quite comfortable there.”
She crosses her legs at the ankle and smiles, like a princess perched on her throne. Now that we’re done eating, the room is too quiet, too full of her. Suddenly I don’t know what to do with myself. Avery just continues watching me with wide green eyes.
I hesitate at the end of the bed, and rub the back of my neck, waiting for her to give me some indication she wants me to stay. Although she’s commandeered all my pillows so…. “You’re holding my pillows hostage… does that mean you want me here?”
“Maybe I just really like pillows…” She wiggles against the mountain behind her, making herself comfortable. “Kidding. Of course you’re staying.” She pats the bed beside her “You being here means a lot.”
I wish I knew what she’s thinking. I cross the room to sit beside her on the bed. “You doing better?” I ask, though I can see she is.
The glow in her cheeks is back, her eyes are bright and happy. Whatever she has worked through in the last couple of hours, I can only hope has been helped by my presence. The feeling is addicting. I just like being near her, and I’m not going anywhere as long as she wants me here.
Avery scoots over, making room for me on the bed, and moves closer to sink against the pillows. We’re half-sitting, half-lying side by side.
“Should we talk about my past … indiscretions?” she asks, staring at the ceiling.
I hate how she’s had to live with so much on her shoulders. But she’s right. We do need to talk about that. I wonder if she’s going to start, because I have no clue what to say. She grips her hands in front of her looking nervous.
I take a deep breath and start. “Listen, Avery, I can get over the pictures. We’ve all made stupid mistakes. But I don’t like feeling lied to.” She doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking straight up at the ceiling, her expression neutral. “The main thing holding me back is that you’re not who I thought you were. I can’t escape the feeling like I’ve been fooled by you. Do I even know the real Avery? Was it all a carefully constructed cover up, or did I see the real you?”
Her shoulders straighten, and she seems to draw some inner strength. “You saw the real me. The messy, scared shitless me trying to figure out a way to move past it.”
“When I first met you, you were running and I just wanted to help. Seeing you crouched behind that dumpster…shit, Avery.” I take a deep breath, letting it creep out of my lungs slowly.
“It’s fine, Jase. You don’t need to explain. You needed a little project to distract you from the issues with your mom – fine. Mission accomplished. But guess what? I don’t want to be someone’s project. I’m done being broken. And I’m done hiding from my past. I’ve made mistakes. I’m not perfect. I need someone who can deal with that.”
“You were never a project, and we both know it. I wasn’t involved with you for some noble purpose. I loved watching your eyes light up, seeing you let go, making you blush when I made dirty comments. I made it my mission to see you smile.”
“Well, I’m officially done hiding. It didn’t do me any good anyway. And when I dated Brent, I wasn’t the same girl that I am now. He was my first crush; I wanted to impress him, to fit in and be a little reckless…obviously you can see how well that worked out for me. It was a stupid mistake that I can’t take back, Jase.”
“Fuck your past. It won’t own us. I can’t think straight without you. I miss you. I want you back, babe.”
I’m sorry about all she had to endure. I’m sorry about her fucktard ex. I’m sorry she’d taken those pictures. But I can push it all aside. I want this girl. I want her for my own. End of story. The world can fuck off for all I care. She’s mine.
“Whistle, I’m going to kiss you now.”
The tightness across my shoulders lessens for the first time in weeks. I lean in and kiss her, soft and tenderly, my lips skimming across hers. I nip at her bottom lip, drawing it into my mouth, and she lets out a soft exhale at the sudden contact. I’m torn…I want her, have wanted her for so long, and now she’s mine and we’re alone together in a hotel, but I don’t want to rush her.
Avery, having not gotten the memo about my decision to take things slow, pushes her hands under my shirt and rubs them along my chest and stomach. Even the simplest of touches from her are amazing. Finding her courage, she climbs onto my lap and straddles me. I grip her waist and continue kissing her, not wanting to rush things, but also not willing to give up this moment. Her hands stop at the waistband of my jeans, and with trembling fingers, she begins working at the button. It takes every ounce of self-control I possess to find her hands and stop her.
“Avery.” I breathe against her mouth and she pulls back just a fraction, her eyes searching mine. I hate that just when she finds herself and initiates physical contact between us, I have to stop her.
I press my palms to her cheeks, give her a firm kiss on the forehead and remove her from my lap. Her eyes betray her confusion and hurt.
“As badly as I want this, I want to do things right with you. I’ve never even taken you out on a proper date.”
“Are you turning me down?” She pouts.
I question myself for the briefest of moments. Especially since my pants have grown considerably tighter. “I will possess you baby, and when I do, it’ll be worth the wait.”
She chuckles softly, a faint blush coloring her chest. “This is quite the role reversal. I’m ready for sex, and now you’re not.”
I groan and adjust my erection. “Behave.” I move the pillows into place and pull her down against me so we’re lying side by side, looking at each other. I don’t even want to turn off the light to sleep, so I can just watch her, but I know I should. Once we’re plunged into darkness, her hand slides into mine, and she lets out a soft sigh.
The journey we’re on together is rocky, but I think it’s led us to the right place. Avery is stronger, more sure, and I’m not the guy I was. The partying scene, meaningless hookups – I’d wanted more all along and now I’ve found it. Avery is my more. I want to be better for her, be her everything. A twinge of regret pinches inside me as I realize I’ll have to find a way to tell Avery that I was with Stacia when she and I weren’t seeing each other. But I’ll worry about that later’ for now I just hold her.
Chapter 30
Avery
“Break a leg!” I squeeze Madison and Noah one last time before they slip out of our dorm room. They have to be to the theater early for all the opening night preparations, which leaves me plenty of time to get ready for my date tonight. Jase has made reservations at an upscale restaurant, but first we’re going to watch the play Madison and Noah are in. I grab my shower stuff and shuffle off to the communal bathrooms.
An hour later, I’m squeaky clean, shaved, made up and dressed. I sit down at my laptop to type a quick response to the email I got earlier from Jessica. It’s been a month since we met face to face, and we’ve emailed back and forth several times. Our relationship has evolved into long emails full of random thoughts, deep-seated feelings and life happenings. It’s nice. Even my dads are really cool about encouraging my relationship with her. I check the time, stuff my phone into the back pocket of my jeans, add some lip gloss and slip into my bright pink ballet flats.