The Jesus Incident

Chapter Eighteen

The mind falls, the will drives on.
- Kerro Panille, The Collected Poems
PANILLE EMERGED from Ferry's office dazed and fearfully excited.
Groundside!
He knew what Hali thought of old Ferr...bumbling fool, but there had been something else in the old man. Ferry had seemed sly and vindictive, consumed by unresolved hostilities. Even so, there was no evading his message.
I'm going groundside!
He had no time for dawdling - his orders required him to be at Shipbay Fifty in little more than an hour. Everything was controlled now by the time demands of Colony. It might be the last quarter of dayside here, but down at Colony it would soon be dawn, and the shuttles from Ship tried to make their groundside landings in the early hours there - less hylighter activity then.
Hylighter.... daw.... groundsid....
The very words conveyed a sense of the exotic to him. No more of Ship's passages and halls.
The full import of this change began to fill him. He could see and touch 'lectrokelp. He could test for himself how this alien intelligence performed.
Abruptly, Panille wanted to share his excitement with someone. He looked around at the sterile reaches of Medical's corridor...few med-techs hurrying about their business. None of the faces were friendly acquaintances.
Hali's face was nowhere among these impersonal passersby. Everything he saw was just the bustle and movement of Medical's ordinary comings and goings.
Panille headed toward the main corridors. Medical's bright lights bothered him. It was a painful contrast with Ferry's office - the clutter, the dank smells. Ferry kept his office too dim.
Probably hiding the clutter even from himself.
It occurred to Panille then that Ferry's mind probably was like that office - dim and confused.
A poor, confused old man.
At the first main corridor, Panille turned left toward his quarters. No time to search out Hali and share this momentous change. There would be time for sharing later - at the next shipside period of rest and recuperation. He would have much more to share then, too.
At his cubby, Panille shoved things into a shipcloth bag. He was not sure what to take. No telling when he might return. Recorder and spare charges, certainly; a few keepsake.... clothe.... notepads and a spare stylus. And the silver net, of course. He stopped and held the net up to examine i...gift from Ship, flexible silver and big enough to cover his head.
Panille smiled as he rolled the net and confined it in its own ties. Ship seldom refused to answer one of his questions; refusal signaled a defect in the question. But the day of this net had been memorable for refusals and shifting responses from Ship.
Insatiable curiosity - that was the hallmark of the poet and Ship certainly knew this. He had been at the Instruction Terminal, his request. "Tell me about Pandora."
Silence.
Ship wanted a specific question.
"What is the most dangerous creature on Pandora?"
Ship showed him a composite picture of a human.
Panille was irritated. "Why won't You satisfy my curiosity?"
"You were chosen for this special training because of your curiosity."
"Not because I'm a poet?"
"When did you become a poet?"
Panille remembered staring at his own reflection in the glistening surface of the display screen where Ship revealed its symbolic patterns.
"Words are your tools but they are not enough," Ship said. "That is why there are poets."
Panille had continued to stare at his reflection in the screen, caught by the thought that it was a reflection but it also was displayed where Ship's symbols danced. A...symbol? His appearance, he knew, was striking: the only Shipman who wore a beard and long hair. As usual, the hair was plaited back and bound in a golden ring at the nape of his neck. He was the picture of a poet from the history holos.
"Ship, do You write my poetry?"
"You ask the question of the Zen placebo: 'How do I know I am me?' A nonsense question as you, a poet, should know."
"I have to be sure my poetry is my own!"
"You truly believe I might try to direct your poetry?"
"I have to be certain."
"Very well. Here is a shield which will isolate you from Me. When you wear it, your thoughts are your own."
"How can I be sure of that?"
"Try it."
The silvery net had come out of the pneumatic slot beside the screen. Fingers trembling, Panille opened the round carrier, examined the contents and put the net over his head, tucking his long black hair up into it. Immediately, he sensed a special silence in his head. It was frightening at first and then exciting.
I'm alone! Really alone!
The words which had flowed from him then had achieved extra energy, a compulsive rhythm whose power touched his fellow Shipmen in strange ways. One of the physicists refused to read or listen to his poetry.
"You twist my mind!" the old man shouted.
Panille chuckled at the memory and tucked the silver snood into his shipcloth bag.
Zen placebo?
Panille shook his head; no time for such thoughts.
When the bag was full he decided that solved his packing problem. He took up his bag and forced himself not to look back when he left. His cubby was the pas...place of furious writing periods and restless inner probings. He had spent many a sleepless night there and, for one period, had taken to wandering the corridors looking for a cool breeze from a ventilator. Ship had felt overly warm and uncommunicative then.
But it was really me; I was the uncommunicative one.
At Shipbay Fifty, he was told to wait in an alcove with no chair or bench. It was a tiny metal-walled space too small for him even to stretch out on the floor. There were two hatches: the one through which he had entered and another directly opposite. Sensor lenses glittered at him from above the hatches and he knew he was being watched.
Why? Could I have angered The Boss?
Waiting made him nervous.
Why did they tell me to get right out here if they were going to make me wait?
It was like that faraway time when his mother had taken him to the Shipmen. He had been five years old, a child of Earth. She had taken him by the hand up the ramp to Ship Reception. He had not even known what Ship meant then, but he had been sensitized to what was about to happen to him because his mother had explained it with great solemnity.
Panille remembered that day wel...green spring day full of musty earth smells which had not vanished from his memory in all the Shipdays since. Over one shoulder, he had carried a small cotton bag containing the things his mother had packed for him.
He looked down at the shipcloth bag into which he had crammed the things for his groundside trip. Much more durabl.... larger.
The small cotton bag of that long-gone day had been limited to four kilos - the posted maximum for Ship Reception. It had contained mostly clothing his mother had made for him herself. He still had the amber stocking cap. And there were four primitive photographs - one of the father he had never seen in the flesh, a father killed in a fishing accident. He was revealed as a red-haired man with dark skin and a smile which survived him to warm his son. One picture was his mother, unsmiling and work worn, but still with beautiful eyes; one showed his father's parents, two intense faces which stared directly into the recording lens; and one slightly larger picture showed "the family place" which was, Kerro reminded himself, a patch of land on a patch of planet lost long ago when its sun went nova.
Only the photo survived, wrapped with the others in the amber stocking cap within his shipcloth bag. He had found all of this preserved in a hyb locker when the Shipmen had revived him.
"I want my son to live," his mother had said, handing him over to the Shipmen. "You have refused to take the two of us as a family, but you had better take him!"
No mistaking the threat in her voice. She would do something desperate. There were many desperate people doing violent things in those days. The Shipmen had appeared more amused than disturbed, but they had accepted young Kerro and sent him into hyb.
"Kerro was my father's name," she had explained, rolling the r's. "That's the way you say it. He was Portuguese and Samoan, a beautiful man. My mother was ugly and ran away with another man but my father was always beautiful. A shark ate him."
Panille knew that his own father had been a fisherman. His father had been named Arlo and his father's people had escaped from Gaul to the Chin Islands of the south, far across a sea which insulated them from distant persecution.
How long ago was that? he wondered.
He knew that hybernation stopped time for the flesh, but something else went on and on and o.... Eternity. That was the poet's candle. The people who were keeping him waiting now did not realize how a poet could adjust the candle's flame. He knew he was being tested, but these Shipmen hidden behind their sensors did not know the tests he had already surmounted with Ship.
Panille idled away the wait by recalling such a test. At the time he had not known it was a test; that awareness came later. He had been sixteen and proud of his ability to create emotions with words. In the secret room behind Records, Panille had activated the com-console for a study session - to explore his own curiosity.
Ship began the conversation, which was unusual. Usually, Ship only responded to his questions. Ship's first words had startled him.
"As has been the case with other poets, do you think you are God?"
Panille had reflected on this. "All the universe is God. I am of this universe."
"A reasonable answer. You are the most reasonable poet of My experience."
Panille remained silent, poised and watchful. He knew Ship did not always give simple answers, and never simple praise.
Ship's response had been, once more, unexpected. "Why are you not wearing your silver net?"
"I'm not making poems."
Then, back to the original subject: "Why is there God?"
The answer popped into his head the way some lines of poetry occurred to him. "Information, not decisions."
"Cannot God make decisions?"
"God is the source of information, not of decisions. Decisions are human. If God makes decisions, they are human decisions."
If Ship could be considered to feel excitement, that was the moment for it and Kerro sensed this. There had been a pattern to the way Ship supplied information to him, and it was a pattern which only a poet might recognize. He was being trained, sensitized, to ask the right question.... even of himself.
As he waited at Shipbay Fifty, the questions were obvious, but he did not like some of the answers those questions suggested.
Why were they keeping him waiting? It signaled a callous attitude toward their fellows. And what use had the Colony found for a poet? Communication? Or were Hali's fears to be believed?
The hatch in front of him scissored open with a faint swish of servosystems and a voice called out: "Hurry it up!"
Panille recognized the voice and tried not to show surprise as he stepped through into a reception room and heard the hatch seal behind him. Automatics. And yes, it was the bumbler, Doctor Winslow Ferry.
With his recent analysis of Ferry, Panille tried to see the man sympathetically. It was difficult. Painful powers centered on this room, which was functional shipside standard: two hatches in metal walls, instruments in their racks, no ports. The room was blocked by a low barrier and a large com-console behind which Ferry sat. A gate on the right led to a hatch in the far wall.
It occurred to Panille that Ferry was old for shipside. He had watery gray eyes full of false boredom, puffy cheeks. His breath gave off a heavy floral perfume. There was slyness in his voice.
"Brought your own recorder, I see." He punched a notation into the com-console which shielded him from the waist down.
Ferry glanced at the shipcloth bag on Panille's shoulder. "What else you bring?"
"Personal possessions, clothe.... a few keepsakes."
"Hrrrm." Ferry made another notation. "Let's see."
The distrust in this order shocked Panille. He put the bag on a flat counter beside the com-console, watched while Ferry pawed through the contents. Panille resented every stranger-touch on intimate possessions. It became obvious after a time that Ferry was searching for things which could be used as weapons. The rumors were true, then. The people around Oakes feared for their own flesh.
Ferry held up the flexible net of silver rolled into its tie bands. "Wha's 's?"
"I use that when I'm writing my poetry. Ship gave it to me."
Ferry put it onto the counter with care, went back to examining the rest of the bag's contents. Some items of clothing he passed beneath a lens behind him and studied details in a scanner whose shields prevented anyone else from seeing what he saw. Occasionally, he made notations in the com-console.
Panille looked at the silver net. What was Ferry going to do with it? He could not take it!
Ferry spoke over his shoulder while examining more of Panille's clothing under the scanner lens.
"You think the ship's God?"
The "ship"? The usage surprised Panille. ".... yes."
And he thought back to that one conversation he had had with Ship on the subject. That had been a test, too. Ship was God and God was Ship. Ship could do things mortal flesh could no.... at least while remaining mortal flesh. Normal dimensions of space dissolved before Ship. Time carried no linear restrictions for Ship.
I, too, am God, Doctor Winslow Ferry. But I am not Shi.... Or am I? And you, dear Doctor, what are you?
No doubting the origin of Ferry's question. Ship's godhead remained an open question with many. There had been a time when Ship was the ship, of course. Everyone knew that from the history which Ship taught. Ship had been a vehicle for mortal intelligence once. The ship had existed in the limited dimensions which any human could sense, and it had known a destination. It also had known a history of madness and violence. The.... the ship had encountered the Holy Void, that reservoir of chaos against which all beings were required to measure themselves.
Ship's history was cloudy with migrations and hints at a paradise planet somewhere awaiting humankind.
But Ferry was revealed as one of the doubters, one who questioned Ship's version of history. Such doubts thrived because Ship did not censure them. The only time Panille had referred to the doubts, Ship had responded clearly and with a creative style to inspire a poet.
"What is the purpose of doubts, Panille?"
"To test data."
"Can you test this historical data with your doubts?"
That required thought and Panille answered after a long pause. "You are my only source."
"Have I ever given you false data?"
"I've found no falsehoods."
"Does that silence these doubts?"
"No."
"Then what can you do with such doubts?"
That involved more careful thought and a longer pause before answering. "I put them aside until a moment arrives when they may be tested."
"Does that change your relationship with Me?"
"Relationships change constantly."
"Ahhh, I cherish the company of poets."
Panille was shaken out of this memory by the realization that Ferry had spoken to him several times.
"I said, 'Wha's 's?'"
Panille looked at the object in Ferry's hand.
"It was my mother's comb."
"The stuff! The material?"
"Tortoise shell. It came from Earth."
There was no mistaking the avaricious glint in Ferry's eyes. "Wel.... I dunno about this."
"It's a keepsake from my mother, one of the few things I have left. If you take it I'll lodge a formal complaint with Ship."
Ferry betrayed definite anger, his eyes squinted, his hand trembled with the comb. But his gaze strayed to the silver net. He knew the stories about this poet; this one talked to the ship in the quiet of the night and the ship answered.
Once more, Ferry made a notation within the shielded secrecy of his com-console, then delivered himself of his longest speech: "You're assigned groundside to Waela TaoLini and it serves you right. There's a freighter waiting in Fifty-B. Take it. She'll meet you groundside."
Panille stuffed his belongings back into the bag while Ferry watched with growing amusement. Did he take something while I was daydreaming? Panille wondered. He preferred the man's anger to his amusement but there was no way to take everything out of the bag once more to check it. No way. What had happened to the people around Oakes? Panille had never seen such slyness and greed in a Shipman. And the smell of that stuff on his breath! Dead flowers. Panille sealed the bag.
"Go on, they're waiting," Ferry said. "Don't waste our time."
Panille heard the hatch open once more behind him. He could feel Ferry's gaze on him all the way out of the reception room.
Waela TaoLini? He had never heard the name before. Then: Serve me right?