The Next Best Thing
Page 23
Dad didn’t answer, so Faith gave him a hearty nudge to the ribs. “Oh, uh, I’m...uh hello. John. John Smith.”
“Dad,” Faith muttered.
“I have several children myself,” he said. He was sweating already. Faith stepped discreetly away, pretending not to see Dad’s pleading look.
Colleen intercepted her near the refreshments table. “The guy was impotent. I mean, come on. I’m willing to overlook certain things, but that? No. Says his heart condition prevents Viagra, so thus ends our courtship. Oh! Faith, check that out. If the flip side is half as good as what we’re seeing, I think we’ve found your soul mate. That, my friend, is a great ass. Do you concur?”
“I concur most heartily.”
The man was not old, nor did he have a walker. Score two points. Jeans (yes, she checked out his ass first, what else was a girl to do when presented with that side of a man?), a green T-shirt, the sleeves tight around his gorgeously muscled arms. Broad, solid shoulders. Short dark blond hair.
An icicle sliced through the warm curls of lust that were starting in her girl parts. He turned toward them. Yep.
“Oh, my God, it’s Levi!” Colleen exclaimed. “What’s he doing here? Don’t tell me he’s cruising these pathetic singles things?”
“I hate to point it out, but we’re cruising these pathetic—”
“I know, but I’ve seen up close how that man has to fight off the hordes of hungry females in our town.”
Faith glanced at her. Colleen was unabashedly, er...open about liking sex. “You and Levi ever...?”
“Oh, no. He’s too young for me.”
“He’s our age, Coll.”
“I’m aware of that, Faith. No, I like them broken in.”
“That sounds filthy.”
“Trained. I like them trained.”
“That’s worse.” Faith grinned.
“Okay, I’ll stop. Hey, Levi, come on over, bud!”
“No, don’t, Colleen, you know he never... Hi, Levi.”
“Ladies.”
Colleen put a hand on his arm. “Levi, we’re looking to get laid.”
“Colleen,” Faith groaned.
Her friend ignored her. “Can you hook us up with the hottest men here? I like them fifty, fifty-five plus. Don’t mind a little beer belly. Missing limb is okay, as long as it was lost heroically. I don’t want some dumb ass who cut off his own hand chopping wood.”
“Got it,” Levi said. “Been through the population of Manningsport, Coll?”
“Don’t be catty. Seen anyone who might be Faith’s soul mate?”
“I’m just here to keep my dad company,” she muttered.
“Which is not to say we weren’t just checking out your ass,” Colleen added.
“And you, Levi?” Faith asked, feeling the heat prickling not just her cheeks, but her throat and chest, too. “Looking for Mrs. Cooper the Second?”
He gave her a long, unblinking stare. A nine on the scale, sort of a So this is what hell is like look. “I’m the instructor,” he said.
Great.
“Hey, Levi,” her father said, having extracted himself from Beatrice of the voracious eyes. “How you doing?”
“Good, thanks. The girls say you’re...”
“Let’s not talk about it,” John suggested.
“Fine with me,” Levi said. “I need to get started.”
“Sure, sure, do your thing, hottie.” Colleen smacked him on the shoulder, then mugged for Faith as he walked away. “I would ride him like a Brahma bull if he were twenty years older.”
“Colleen, you’re a hoot,” Dad said, chuckling.
“If I said that, you’d drop dead of a heart attack,” Faith pointed out.
“True enough,” Dad said. At least he seemed more relaxed.
“Okay, people,” Levi called. “Welcome to...” He glanced at his clipboard, then sighed. “Target Practice for Singles.” His eyes stopped on her, and even from five yards away, she could feel his disdain. “I’m Levi Cooper, your shooting instructor for tonight. Who here is familiar with guns?”
* * *
LEVI HAD SUSPECTED THIS GIG was a bad idea. Once in a while, he taught gun safety classes here, so when Ed, the owner, had called him, he said sure. It paid four hundred dollars, and with Sarah’s textbooks costing as much as a pony, four hundred bucks wasn’t bad for two hours’ work.
He hadn’t expected to see the Hollands here, that was for sure. Or Colleen. She, at least, was fun. Faith, though...she had some bug up her ass. For some reason, she was telling every woman there that he was single, too. “Oh, Levi’s wonderful,” he overheard her say to a woman who looked much like his drill sergeant. “So sensitive. Also, a war hero. I know. We went to school together. Sure, he loves older women.”
“Partner up, folks,” Levi called. “Faith, old buddy, why don’t you come over here?” It was only fair, really, that she get the guy in the overalls who’d opted not to wear a shirt tonight.
“Gosh, you’re pretty,” the guy said.
“And you should wear a shirt,” she said easily. “Really. Okay? Next time, wear clothes.” She smiled at the guy, who got the idiotic look of a man in love. Or a drunk. Slack jaw, blurred vision.
“You’ve fired a gun before, Faith, haven’t you?” he asked her.
“I have. Hand her over, Levi. I’m feeling a little trigger happy tonight.”
“You can shoot, too?” Shirtless said. “The perfect woman.”
Levi almost smiled as he walked up and down the line, instructing the amateurs on how to hold the gun, what kind of kickback to expect. Colleen had some old dude eating out of her hand, and the man certainly wasn’t complaining. One woman didn’t want to wear ear protection because it would mess up her hair. Honestly.
“I don’t know a thing about guns,” said one lady, grabbing his arm, the better to squish her boobs against him. “Can you help me with my stance?”
“Sure. Like this.” He demonstrated the proper firing stance—legs slightly spread, arms out, elbows bent, both hands wrapped around the gun. “Keep your thumbs together, your trigger finger here. Got it?”
“Can you stand behind me, and put your arms around me to make sure I’m doing it right?” She gave a wriggle of anticipation.
“No, ma’am. Sorry.”
She frowned. “Please? Pretty please? I’m Donna, by the way.”
“Sorry, ma’am. We have rules.”
“That woman said you’re ex-military,” she murmured huskily, jerking her chin down the line at Faith. “I won’t lie. I find that very hot.” She trailed a finger along the bottom of the crossed swords of his 10th Mountain Division tattoo, making his skin crawl.
“I have to move on.” He glanced at her partner, who was doing a finger stick to check his blood sugar. “Good luck, sir.”
The sound of gunfire still made him flinch a little. Another good reason to be here. Desensitization.
After the target practice, the participants were supposed to sit down and talk in eight-minute segments, then move on. Like anyone would need eight minutes to tell. Nina, his ex-wife, had been a helicopter pilot who’d picked up his patrol during a messy skirmish, and ten seconds into their conversation, he’d already known they’d be sleeping together. Three days later, he’d been thinking marriage, kids, a little house back home.
Then again, Nina had dumped him thirteen weeks into the marriage.
Whatever. Target practice was almost over. In an hour, Levi could lock up and go home, and hopefully sleep better than he had last night, although gunfire wasn’t the best sound to have echoing in your head before bedtime. Maybe he’d bake some cookies for Sarah.
He stopped to check on a couple who actually seemed to be having fun, gave the guy a tip on aim and moved on. John Holland was in the next lane. He wasn’t shooting, though. He was being hunted, practically pinned against the wall.
“Feel them,” said the woman who’d claimed him as partner. “They’re just like the real thing. I said to myself, ‘Carla, do you want to have droopy old boobs for the rest of your life?’ This was my sixtieth birthday present to me. Implants, double D, peanut oil. Go ahead. Take a squeeze.”
“Hey, John,” Levi said. “Could you give me a hand with something?”
The man leaped at the chance. “Thank you, son,” John breathed. “God, I miss my wife.”
“Don’t give up yet.” He glanced at his chart. “Okay, yeah, this lady seemed nice.” They approached another woman who was firing with great efficiency. “I’d be g*y for Ellen,” she was telling the man she was with. “She has a great ass.”
John’s face turned a shade whiter.
“Moving on,” Levi said.
“This was my daughter’s idea, and I just don’t... I think I’m going home. Do you see Faith and Colleen?”
Levi glanced down the line, where Faith was leaning against the wall in the last stall, Shirtless pouring on the charm. She saw Levi and gave him a subtle finger. “Know what?” he said. “It seems like she’s having a great time. Colleen, too. How about if I drive them back?”
John nodded. “That’d be great, Levi. Thank you.” With that, he hurtled for the door.
A little while later, the guns, ear and eye protectors stowed, the now-unarmed single people sat in the shop area of the gun range. The walls were lined with rifles, locked glass cases housing ammo and pistols. Metal chairs had been brought in, and the single people sat facing each other in a long line. It looked like visiting hours at a prison, minus the phones.
“Have you seen my dad?” Faith asked him as he walked past.
“He left,” Levi answered, not pausing. He heard her squawk and turned around. “I’m driving you and Colleen home.”
“Or I could,” Shirtless Joe offered.
Levi leaned against the wall and checked his phone. Four texts from Sarah. I have 0 friends. Can u come get me?
Feel sick was the second.
Stop being an ass, u can’t make me stay here was the third, and the fourth was simply I hate u.
Sighing, he stepped into the hallway to call her back. Got her voice mail. Honestly, why had he bought her a phone if she just used it for texting?
“Sarah, stop being such a drama queen, okay? You can come home on Columbus Day. You need to make some actual human friends.” He paused, picturing her at a party with a bong and a bag full of Ecstasy. “Or just study more. Keep up those grades. All right? I have to go.” He paused. “Bye.”
Ten seconds later, his phone buzzed. Still hate u. And ur 1 2 talk. Get a life & stop obsessing about me. U need 2 get laid.
Inappropriate, he texted back. Oh, and by the way, he’d love to stop obsessing about Sarah, but she texted or called at least ten times a day. Would it be wrong to strangle her? Probably.
Levi rubbed his eyes. The truth was, both of them needed to get a life. These past two years, with Nina leaving and Mom’s cancer...it’d been rough. And he and Sarah were closer because of it. But when your family shrinks to two, it got to be a little hard sometimes, the only shoulder for Sarah to cry on.
The door opened—Colleen. “Hey, Chief. Come on in here. Let me practice on you.”
“Sounds so dirty, O’Rourke.”
“In your dreams, Cooper.”
“In my dreams, definitely,” he said.
“Ooh, wanna talk dirty? Bet I could win.” She raised her eyebrows and grinned.
“You would,” he acknowledged. He liked Colleen, one of the few who’d never treated him differently after he’d come back. Her brother, too, and Jeremy. And Faith, now that he thought of it, though Faith had an edge to her he didn’t remember. It was better than Princess Super-Cute.
“Dad,” Faith muttered.
“I have several children myself,” he said. He was sweating already. Faith stepped discreetly away, pretending not to see Dad’s pleading look.
Colleen intercepted her near the refreshments table. “The guy was impotent. I mean, come on. I’m willing to overlook certain things, but that? No. Says his heart condition prevents Viagra, so thus ends our courtship. Oh! Faith, check that out. If the flip side is half as good as what we’re seeing, I think we’ve found your soul mate. That, my friend, is a great ass. Do you concur?”
“I concur most heartily.”
The man was not old, nor did he have a walker. Score two points. Jeans (yes, she checked out his ass first, what else was a girl to do when presented with that side of a man?), a green T-shirt, the sleeves tight around his gorgeously muscled arms. Broad, solid shoulders. Short dark blond hair.
An icicle sliced through the warm curls of lust that were starting in her girl parts. He turned toward them. Yep.
“Oh, my God, it’s Levi!” Colleen exclaimed. “What’s he doing here? Don’t tell me he’s cruising these pathetic singles things?”
“I hate to point it out, but we’re cruising these pathetic—”
“I know, but I’ve seen up close how that man has to fight off the hordes of hungry females in our town.”
Faith glanced at her. Colleen was unabashedly, er...open about liking sex. “You and Levi ever...?”
“Oh, no. He’s too young for me.”
“He’s our age, Coll.”
“I’m aware of that, Faith. No, I like them broken in.”
“That sounds filthy.”
“Trained. I like them trained.”
“That’s worse.” Faith grinned.
“Okay, I’ll stop. Hey, Levi, come on over, bud!”
“No, don’t, Colleen, you know he never... Hi, Levi.”
“Ladies.”
Colleen put a hand on his arm. “Levi, we’re looking to get laid.”
“Colleen,” Faith groaned.
Her friend ignored her. “Can you hook us up with the hottest men here? I like them fifty, fifty-five plus. Don’t mind a little beer belly. Missing limb is okay, as long as it was lost heroically. I don’t want some dumb ass who cut off his own hand chopping wood.”
“Got it,” Levi said. “Been through the population of Manningsport, Coll?”
“Don’t be catty. Seen anyone who might be Faith’s soul mate?”
“I’m just here to keep my dad company,” she muttered.
“Which is not to say we weren’t just checking out your ass,” Colleen added.
“And you, Levi?” Faith asked, feeling the heat prickling not just her cheeks, but her throat and chest, too. “Looking for Mrs. Cooper the Second?”
He gave her a long, unblinking stare. A nine on the scale, sort of a So this is what hell is like look. “I’m the instructor,” he said.
Great.
“Hey, Levi,” her father said, having extracted himself from Beatrice of the voracious eyes. “How you doing?”
“Good, thanks. The girls say you’re...”
“Let’s not talk about it,” John suggested.
“Fine with me,” Levi said. “I need to get started.”
“Sure, sure, do your thing, hottie.” Colleen smacked him on the shoulder, then mugged for Faith as he walked away. “I would ride him like a Brahma bull if he were twenty years older.”
“Colleen, you’re a hoot,” Dad said, chuckling.
“If I said that, you’d drop dead of a heart attack,” Faith pointed out.
“True enough,” Dad said. At least he seemed more relaxed.
“Okay, people,” Levi called. “Welcome to...” He glanced at his clipboard, then sighed. “Target Practice for Singles.” His eyes stopped on her, and even from five yards away, she could feel his disdain. “I’m Levi Cooper, your shooting instructor for tonight. Who here is familiar with guns?”
* * *
LEVI HAD SUSPECTED THIS GIG was a bad idea. Once in a while, he taught gun safety classes here, so when Ed, the owner, had called him, he said sure. It paid four hundred dollars, and with Sarah’s textbooks costing as much as a pony, four hundred bucks wasn’t bad for two hours’ work.
He hadn’t expected to see the Hollands here, that was for sure. Or Colleen. She, at least, was fun. Faith, though...she had some bug up her ass. For some reason, she was telling every woman there that he was single, too. “Oh, Levi’s wonderful,” he overheard her say to a woman who looked much like his drill sergeant. “So sensitive. Also, a war hero. I know. We went to school together. Sure, he loves older women.”
“Partner up, folks,” Levi called. “Faith, old buddy, why don’t you come over here?” It was only fair, really, that she get the guy in the overalls who’d opted not to wear a shirt tonight.
“Gosh, you’re pretty,” the guy said.
“And you should wear a shirt,” she said easily. “Really. Okay? Next time, wear clothes.” She smiled at the guy, who got the idiotic look of a man in love. Or a drunk. Slack jaw, blurred vision.
“You’ve fired a gun before, Faith, haven’t you?” he asked her.
“I have. Hand her over, Levi. I’m feeling a little trigger happy tonight.”
“You can shoot, too?” Shirtless said. “The perfect woman.”
Levi almost smiled as he walked up and down the line, instructing the amateurs on how to hold the gun, what kind of kickback to expect. Colleen had some old dude eating out of her hand, and the man certainly wasn’t complaining. One woman didn’t want to wear ear protection because it would mess up her hair. Honestly.
“I don’t know a thing about guns,” said one lady, grabbing his arm, the better to squish her boobs against him. “Can you help me with my stance?”
“Sure. Like this.” He demonstrated the proper firing stance—legs slightly spread, arms out, elbows bent, both hands wrapped around the gun. “Keep your thumbs together, your trigger finger here. Got it?”
“Can you stand behind me, and put your arms around me to make sure I’m doing it right?” She gave a wriggle of anticipation.
“No, ma’am. Sorry.”
She frowned. “Please? Pretty please? I’m Donna, by the way.”
“Sorry, ma’am. We have rules.”
“That woman said you’re ex-military,” she murmured huskily, jerking her chin down the line at Faith. “I won’t lie. I find that very hot.” She trailed a finger along the bottom of the crossed swords of his 10th Mountain Division tattoo, making his skin crawl.
“I have to move on.” He glanced at her partner, who was doing a finger stick to check his blood sugar. “Good luck, sir.”
The sound of gunfire still made him flinch a little. Another good reason to be here. Desensitization.
After the target practice, the participants were supposed to sit down and talk in eight-minute segments, then move on. Like anyone would need eight minutes to tell. Nina, his ex-wife, had been a helicopter pilot who’d picked up his patrol during a messy skirmish, and ten seconds into their conversation, he’d already known they’d be sleeping together. Three days later, he’d been thinking marriage, kids, a little house back home.
Then again, Nina had dumped him thirteen weeks into the marriage.
Whatever. Target practice was almost over. In an hour, Levi could lock up and go home, and hopefully sleep better than he had last night, although gunfire wasn’t the best sound to have echoing in your head before bedtime. Maybe he’d bake some cookies for Sarah.
He stopped to check on a couple who actually seemed to be having fun, gave the guy a tip on aim and moved on. John Holland was in the next lane. He wasn’t shooting, though. He was being hunted, practically pinned against the wall.
“Feel them,” said the woman who’d claimed him as partner. “They’re just like the real thing. I said to myself, ‘Carla, do you want to have droopy old boobs for the rest of your life?’ This was my sixtieth birthday present to me. Implants, double D, peanut oil. Go ahead. Take a squeeze.”
“Hey, John,” Levi said. “Could you give me a hand with something?”
The man leaped at the chance. “Thank you, son,” John breathed. “God, I miss my wife.”
“Don’t give up yet.” He glanced at his chart. “Okay, yeah, this lady seemed nice.” They approached another woman who was firing with great efficiency. “I’d be g*y for Ellen,” she was telling the man she was with. “She has a great ass.”
John’s face turned a shade whiter.
“Moving on,” Levi said.
“This was my daughter’s idea, and I just don’t... I think I’m going home. Do you see Faith and Colleen?”
Levi glanced down the line, where Faith was leaning against the wall in the last stall, Shirtless pouring on the charm. She saw Levi and gave him a subtle finger. “Know what?” he said. “It seems like she’s having a great time. Colleen, too. How about if I drive them back?”
John nodded. “That’d be great, Levi. Thank you.” With that, he hurtled for the door.
A little while later, the guns, ear and eye protectors stowed, the now-unarmed single people sat in the shop area of the gun range. The walls were lined with rifles, locked glass cases housing ammo and pistols. Metal chairs had been brought in, and the single people sat facing each other in a long line. It looked like visiting hours at a prison, minus the phones.
“Have you seen my dad?” Faith asked him as he walked past.
“He left,” Levi answered, not pausing. He heard her squawk and turned around. “I’m driving you and Colleen home.”
“Or I could,” Shirtless Joe offered.
Levi leaned against the wall and checked his phone. Four texts from Sarah. I have 0 friends. Can u come get me?
Feel sick was the second.
Stop being an ass, u can’t make me stay here was the third, and the fourth was simply I hate u.
Sighing, he stepped into the hallway to call her back. Got her voice mail. Honestly, why had he bought her a phone if she just used it for texting?
“Sarah, stop being such a drama queen, okay? You can come home on Columbus Day. You need to make some actual human friends.” He paused, picturing her at a party with a bong and a bag full of Ecstasy. “Or just study more. Keep up those grades. All right? I have to go.” He paused. “Bye.”
Ten seconds later, his phone buzzed. Still hate u. And ur 1 2 talk. Get a life & stop obsessing about me. U need 2 get laid.
Inappropriate, he texted back. Oh, and by the way, he’d love to stop obsessing about Sarah, but she texted or called at least ten times a day. Would it be wrong to strangle her? Probably.
Levi rubbed his eyes. The truth was, both of them needed to get a life. These past two years, with Nina leaving and Mom’s cancer...it’d been rough. And he and Sarah were closer because of it. But when your family shrinks to two, it got to be a little hard sometimes, the only shoulder for Sarah to cry on.
The door opened—Colleen. “Hey, Chief. Come on in here. Let me practice on you.”
“Sounds so dirty, O’Rourke.”
“In your dreams, Cooper.”
“In my dreams, definitely,” he said.
“Ooh, wanna talk dirty? Bet I could win.” She raised her eyebrows and grinned.
“You would,” he acknowledged. He liked Colleen, one of the few who’d never treated him differently after he’d come back. Her brother, too, and Jeremy. And Faith, now that he thought of it, though Faith had an edge to her he didn’t remember. It was better than Princess Super-Cute.
