The One Real Thing
Page 105
I sobbed, relief rocking through me. “Really?”
“Yes.”
My tears came faster as hard, wracking shudders moved through my body. I fell into Cooper and accepted his compassion, his understanding. Suddenly I was swung up into his arms and I clung to him, burying my face in his neck as he climbed the stairs.
He settled on his bed, tucking me into him, holding me tight and letting me cry all the tears I’d kept bottled up for years.
Cooper
Jess’s tears subsided after a while, her body stopped moving in little juddering jerks against his, and her shallow breathing eased out.
Cooper held her so tight, wishing like hell there were magic words or actions that could take away her traumatic past.
Fuck.
He’d known she was hiding something, and he’d known for her to break up with him that it had to be bad, but he’d never have been able to imagine it was as bad as it was.
The things she’d seen as a kid . . .
And all Cooper could think was that no one would ever know it—that she was haunted like she was. She’d become a doctor, she practiced kindness in every way, and she loved to laugh and make other people smile. There was so much light in her, despite the dark trying to snuff it out.
“I wish I hadn’t reacted the way I did,” he suddenly said into the quiet of his bedroom, “about Sarah.”
Jess’s fingers curled into his T-shirt. “What do you mean?” Her voice was scratchy from all her crying.
He squeezed her closer, not ever wanting to let her go. “If I had been more compassionate about her letters, you might have had the courage to tell me about this sooner.”
She pulled away so she could look at him.
He drank in her red-rimmed, puffy eyes and blotchy cheeks and felt an overwhelming surge of tenderness for her.
“Cooper, no.” Jess shook her head. “Even if you had, there’s no guarantee I would have felt brave enough to tell you. It took losing you, as horrible as that is; it took losing you. But you . . . I know you.” She pressed her hand over his heart. “I should have trusted in you and I am so sorry.”
“Jess,” he whispered, brushing his thumb over her damp cheek, “you’ve got so much to work through. But I’ll be here while you do it. Never doubt that.”
She bit her lip in thought and after a while she nodded. “Matthew is the only person still in my life from then who knows what I did. But I wouldn’t talk to him about it, either. Ever. The records are sealed. I was scared to tell anyone because of how my parents treated me. Even before Julia died, they wanted nothing to do with me. To them I was monstrous for what I’d done. I was scared everyone would feel the same way. Even Theresa. I shut her out, too. I haven’t spoken to her since Julia’s funeral. I couldn’t stand it if I found out that she, of all people, thought I was a monster, too.”
Indignation raged through Cooper. “Your parents are the monsters, Jess. They didn’t protect you. Either of you.”
“Rationally I know that.” She nodded. “But their rejection left its mark. My whole life I’ve been terrified to let anyone in. But everyone needs to feel needed and being a doctor gave me something I just wasn’t getting in my personal life. It also felt like redemption.”
“You don’t need to be redeemed.”
She gave him a grateful smile. “I thought I did. I didn’t realize until I got here just how empty I’d made my life. On some level I guess I knew that I was still punishing myself, but coming here . . . I felt this peace I can’t explain. I’ve never felt any kind of peace before and I didn’t want to lose it. It made me question everything. About why I was really a doctor, why I didn’t have anyone in my life . . .” Her smile turned open and warm. “And you and Bailey—you liked me. Me. Not the doctor part.”
“I liked that part, too,” Cooper said honestly, “because I think it is a part of you. It’s not just a way to be redeemed. You save people, Jess. You’ve been doing it since you were fourteen. It’s who you are.”
Fresh tears slipped down her cheeks, but she was smiling. “You really think so?”
Cooper needed her to understand this once and for all. He sat up, cupping her face in his hands, and he said, “It hurts like hell knowing you’ve seen what you have, done what you have, but it came from a place of survival, strength, bravery, and loyalty. I don’t see anything but beauty in that.”
Jess stared at him in astonishment, in wonder. Finally she whispered, “Where did you come from, Cooper Lawson?”
She loved him.
He knew it without her having to say it.
Relief poured through him as he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. “I love you.”
Her fingers dug into the muscles in his back. “I love you, too.”
“Thank fuck for that.” He closed his eyes in relief, smiling at her answering giggle.
A little while later Jessica eased back from him, worry shining in her eyes. “We have two problems.”
Cooper felt his irritation return. “Devlin and Dana.”
She nodded. “I hate them to ruin this”—she gestured between them—“but we have to do something. Dana . . . I guess we just keep an eye out for her troublemaking.”
“I saw her at the music festival”—he knew she was up to something then—“eyeing Jack. That’s when she came up with the plan to get him to come on to you.”
“Yes.”
My tears came faster as hard, wracking shudders moved through my body. I fell into Cooper and accepted his compassion, his understanding. Suddenly I was swung up into his arms and I clung to him, burying my face in his neck as he climbed the stairs.
He settled on his bed, tucking me into him, holding me tight and letting me cry all the tears I’d kept bottled up for years.
Cooper
Jess’s tears subsided after a while, her body stopped moving in little juddering jerks against his, and her shallow breathing eased out.
Cooper held her so tight, wishing like hell there were magic words or actions that could take away her traumatic past.
Fuck.
He’d known she was hiding something, and he’d known for her to break up with him that it had to be bad, but he’d never have been able to imagine it was as bad as it was.
The things she’d seen as a kid . . .
And all Cooper could think was that no one would ever know it—that she was haunted like she was. She’d become a doctor, she practiced kindness in every way, and she loved to laugh and make other people smile. There was so much light in her, despite the dark trying to snuff it out.
“I wish I hadn’t reacted the way I did,” he suddenly said into the quiet of his bedroom, “about Sarah.”
Jess’s fingers curled into his T-shirt. “What do you mean?” Her voice was scratchy from all her crying.
He squeezed her closer, not ever wanting to let her go. “If I had been more compassionate about her letters, you might have had the courage to tell me about this sooner.”
She pulled away so she could look at him.
He drank in her red-rimmed, puffy eyes and blotchy cheeks and felt an overwhelming surge of tenderness for her.
“Cooper, no.” Jess shook her head. “Even if you had, there’s no guarantee I would have felt brave enough to tell you. It took losing you, as horrible as that is; it took losing you. But you . . . I know you.” She pressed her hand over his heart. “I should have trusted in you and I am so sorry.”
“Jess,” he whispered, brushing his thumb over her damp cheek, “you’ve got so much to work through. But I’ll be here while you do it. Never doubt that.”
She bit her lip in thought and after a while she nodded. “Matthew is the only person still in my life from then who knows what I did. But I wouldn’t talk to him about it, either. Ever. The records are sealed. I was scared to tell anyone because of how my parents treated me. Even before Julia died, they wanted nothing to do with me. To them I was monstrous for what I’d done. I was scared everyone would feel the same way. Even Theresa. I shut her out, too. I haven’t spoken to her since Julia’s funeral. I couldn’t stand it if I found out that she, of all people, thought I was a monster, too.”
Indignation raged through Cooper. “Your parents are the monsters, Jess. They didn’t protect you. Either of you.”
“Rationally I know that.” She nodded. “But their rejection left its mark. My whole life I’ve been terrified to let anyone in. But everyone needs to feel needed and being a doctor gave me something I just wasn’t getting in my personal life. It also felt like redemption.”
“You don’t need to be redeemed.”
She gave him a grateful smile. “I thought I did. I didn’t realize until I got here just how empty I’d made my life. On some level I guess I knew that I was still punishing myself, but coming here . . . I felt this peace I can’t explain. I’ve never felt any kind of peace before and I didn’t want to lose it. It made me question everything. About why I was really a doctor, why I didn’t have anyone in my life . . .” Her smile turned open and warm. “And you and Bailey—you liked me. Me. Not the doctor part.”
“I liked that part, too,” Cooper said honestly, “because I think it is a part of you. It’s not just a way to be redeemed. You save people, Jess. You’ve been doing it since you were fourteen. It’s who you are.”
Fresh tears slipped down her cheeks, but she was smiling. “You really think so?”
Cooper needed her to understand this once and for all. He sat up, cupping her face in his hands, and he said, “It hurts like hell knowing you’ve seen what you have, done what you have, but it came from a place of survival, strength, bravery, and loyalty. I don’t see anything but beauty in that.”
Jess stared at him in astonishment, in wonder. Finally she whispered, “Where did you come from, Cooper Lawson?”
She loved him.
He knew it without her having to say it.
Relief poured through him as he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. “I love you.”
Her fingers dug into the muscles in his back. “I love you, too.”
“Thank fuck for that.” He closed his eyes in relief, smiling at her answering giggle.
A little while later Jessica eased back from him, worry shining in her eyes. “We have two problems.”
Cooper felt his irritation return. “Devlin and Dana.”
She nodded. “I hate them to ruin this”—she gestured between them—“but we have to do something. Dana . . . I guess we just keep an eye out for her troublemaking.”
“I saw her at the music festival”—he knew she was up to something then—“eyeing Jack. That’s when she came up with the plan to get him to come on to you.”
