The One Real Thing
Page 94
“Don’t.” I shook my head. “Believe me, after I say what I have to say you won’t want to.”
Silence fell fast and thick between us and then he saw something in my eyes.
“Jesus,” he choked out, sounding winded, like he’d just been punched in the gut. “Are you breaking up with me?”
I covered my mouth with my hand, my skin clammy. The tears I’d been trying to hold back spilled down my cheeks as I nodded.
His face hardened. His hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Why?” he bit out.
“I’m . . . I’m not happy here,” I lied.
“Bullshit!”
I flinched again at his tone, and my whole body locked with tension as he suddenly strode over to me. He didn’t touch me, although he looked like he wanted to wring my neck. “It’s not,” I lied.
“It’s a fucking lie. For once, Jessica, tell me the truth.”
I shook my head, the tears coming fast, too fast to keep up with.
Cooper glowered at me. “Look at you. Your whole body is telling me you’re lying, so fucking tell me the truth!”
I couldn’t. Literally. My throat was choked with sobs that wanted to break out.
“You owe me,” he said, his voice lowered, so deep and thick with his own emotion that it made me cry harder. “You owe me that much.”
At my continued silence he gripped my arms and pulled me close, his lips just a whisper from mine. Everything he felt for me shone in his eyes and I’d never felt such a strange mix of exultation and agony in my life. “You told me,” he whispered. “You told me when we met that the reason you became a doctor was so you could leave this life saying, ‘I was here,’ because someone out there that you’d helped would never forget you . . . and you’d made your mark on the world. Well”—his grip on me tightened to painful as he leaned his forehead against mine—“Jess, you can rest easy . . . because you’ve made your mark. You made your mark on me. No matter what happens between us now or in the future, I will never forget you. You’re inside me. Always will be.” He pulled back just enough so I could see his love for me, open, beautiful, and so incredibly heartbreaking that the sobs I’d been holding in burst out. “So you owe me.”
Needing to feel him, needing him to feel how I felt in return, even if I couldn’t say it, I buried my face in his chest, my sobs muffled against his shirt as I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight.
He held me just as tight. No hesitation.
I memorized the moment. The feel of his hard, strong body against mine, the musky, earthy scent that would forever make me think of him and what it was like to hear him whisper my name. I tried to trap the sound in my mind, praying that time would never take it from me.
“You’re still leaving me,” he choked out.
I sobbed harder.
He gently but firmly pushed me away.
I thought my heart couldn’t break any more but then the look on his face. The pain. All those shattered places in my heart, they shattered some more.
“Tell me why.”
I swiped at my tears, trying to get a hold of myself. He was right. I owed him that much. “I don’t deserve you.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I can’t tell you. That’s the point. You’ll never really know me. I’d just be another Dana, Cooper. Just another woman in your bed that you don’t really know.”
This time it was his turn to flinch.
“I’m sorry.”
Anger hardened his expression. “That’s fucking up to you, Jess. You could let me know you. What happened in your past? Does it have to do with your family? Your sister?”
Just like that my blood went cold, and I started to tremble harder. My tears dried up, and I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to control the shaking.
“It is,” he said. “Every time I mention them you change.”
And that was why I was leaving.
I couldn’t physically or emotionally bring myself to tell him the truth. I’d never been able to unburden myself with anyone.
Not even him.
If he knew the truth . . . well . . . he’d never look at me the same way again—my black-and-white kind of guy.
It was my own fault.
I’d seen it coming weeks before.
But I just couldn’t resist getting close to him and exploring the connection between us.
Now . . . now I’d hurt us both.
Not so smart for a smart girl.
Finally Cooper turned away, unable to look at me. “I should have walked out that last night you had a nightmare. I should have kept going.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“You begged me to stay.”
“It was wrong of me.”
He looked back at me. “What the hell are you hiding?”
I dropped my gaze. “I should go.”
He was silent for what seemed like forever and then he said, his voice hard, “You go now, you don’t ever come back.”
His warning moved through me and chilled my body to ice inch by inch.
And, like the coward I knew I was, I didn’t look at him again as I hurried from the bar. As soon as the door slammed shut behind me, I ran.
I ran and ran until the boards came to an end and there was nowhere else to run.
TWENTY-FIVE
Jessica
Only an idiot would have stayed in Hartwell.
I was a damn idiot.
Bailey hadn’t thrown me out. She’d been confused and upset by my breakup with Cooper and hurt when I refused to tell her why, but she hadn’t thrown me out. Instead I quit and packed my things.
Silence fell fast and thick between us and then he saw something in my eyes.
“Jesus,” he choked out, sounding winded, like he’d just been punched in the gut. “Are you breaking up with me?”
I covered my mouth with my hand, my skin clammy. The tears I’d been trying to hold back spilled down my cheeks as I nodded.
His face hardened. His hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Why?” he bit out.
“I’m . . . I’m not happy here,” I lied.
“Bullshit!”
I flinched again at his tone, and my whole body locked with tension as he suddenly strode over to me. He didn’t touch me, although he looked like he wanted to wring my neck. “It’s not,” I lied.
“It’s a fucking lie. For once, Jessica, tell me the truth.”
I shook my head, the tears coming fast, too fast to keep up with.
Cooper glowered at me. “Look at you. Your whole body is telling me you’re lying, so fucking tell me the truth!”
I couldn’t. Literally. My throat was choked with sobs that wanted to break out.
“You owe me,” he said, his voice lowered, so deep and thick with his own emotion that it made me cry harder. “You owe me that much.”
At my continued silence he gripped my arms and pulled me close, his lips just a whisper from mine. Everything he felt for me shone in his eyes and I’d never felt such a strange mix of exultation and agony in my life. “You told me,” he whispered. “You told me when we met that the reason you became a doctor was so you could leave this life saying, ‘I was here,’ because someone out there that you’d helped would never forget you . . . and you’d made your mark on the world. Well”—his grip on me tightened to painful as he leaned his forehead against mine—“Jess, you can rest easy . . . because you’ve made your mark. You made your mark on me. No matter what happens between us now or in the future, I will never forget you. You’re inside me. Always will be.” He pulled back just enough so I could see his love for me, open, beautiful, and so incredibly heartbreaking that the sobs I’d been holding in burst out. “So you owe me.”
Needing to feel him, needing him to feel how I felt in return, even if I couldn’t say it, I buried my face in his chest, my sobs muffled against his shirt as I wrapped my arms around him and held on tight.
He held me just as tight. No hesitation.
I memorized the moment. The feel of his hard, strong body against mine, the musky, earthy scent that would forever make me think of him and what it was like to hear him whisper my name. I tried to trap the sound in my mind, praying that time would never take it from me.
“You’re still leaving me,” he choked out.
I sobbed harder.
He gently but firmly pushed me away.
I thought my heart couldn’t break any more but then the look on his face. The pain. All those shattered places in my heart, they shattered some more.
“Tell me why.”
I swiped at my tears, trying to get a hold of myself. He was right. I owed him that much. “I don’t deserve you.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I can’t tell you. That’s the point. You’ll never really know me. I’d just be another Dana, Cooper. Just another woman in your bed that you don’t really know.”
This time it was his turn to flinch.
“I’m sorry.”
Anger hardened his expression. “That’s fucking up to you, Jess. You could let me know you. What happened in your past? Does it have to do with your family? Your sister?”
Just like that my blood went cold, and I started to tremble harder. My tears dried up, and I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to control the shaking.
“It is,” he said. “Every time I mention them you change.”
And that was why I was leaving.
I couldn’t physically or emotionally bring myself to tell him the truth. I’d never been able to unburden myself with anyone.
Not even him.
If he knew the truth . . . well . . . he’d never look at me the same way again—my black-and-white kind of guy.
It was my own fault.
I’d seen it coming weeks before.
But I just couldn’t resist getting close to him and exploring the connection between us.
Now . . . now I’d hurt us both.
Not so smart for a smart girl.
Finally Cooper turned away, unable to look at me. “I should have walked out that last night you had a nightmare. I should have kept going.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“You begged me to stay.”
“It was wrong of me.”
He looked back at me. “What the hell are you hiding?”
I dropped my gaze. “I should go.”
He was silent for what seemed like forever and then he said, his voice hard, “You go now, you don’t ever come back.”
His warning moved through me and chilled my body to ice inch by inch.
And, like the coward I knew I was, I didn’t look at him again as I hurried from the bar. As soon as the door slammed shut behind me, I ran.
I ran and ran until the boards came to an end and there was nowhere else to run.
TWENTY-FIVE
Jessica
Only an idiot would have stayed in Hartwell.
I was a damn idiot.
Bailey hadn’t thrown me out. She’d been confused and upset by my breakup with Cooper and hurt when I refused to tell her why, but she hadn’t thrown me out. Instead I quit and packed my things.
