The Other Side of Love
Page 9
“I don’t know. How can a guy say no to that?” She grinned at me impishly and then handed me back my phone.
“Only a fool would say no!” I slipped the phone back into my pocket. “And I dare say I am that fool.”
“Well, fools can change their ways.” She hesitated before continuing. “I hope you don’t think I’m being too forward. I just feel really bad about how I acted in the restaurant. I’m new to Los Angeles and I’m the cliché drama student who wants to be an actress and make it big and, well, I’m just trying to meet some new people. And not sleep my way to the top, though it seems that all producers want to do is see how far I’m willing to go on the casting couch.” She paused and slapped her hand to her mouth. “Not that you wanted to know any of that.” She sighed. “Sorry again. I’m an over-sharer.”
“Then you fit into Los Angeles already.” I gave her a reassuring smile as I studied her face. I liked her like this, not so confident and slightly out of her element. It made me feel like we had something in common. “We all over-share here. It’s a problem we have. It’s like we all think our lives are a movie and we want everyone to understand every single part of it. Cue angsty music from Paramore.” I laughed and she joined me, while running her hands through her hair.
“You haven’t really shared much with me, though.” She pursed her lips. “I barely know your name.”
“That’s because I don’t live my life as if it’s a movie.” I looked to the ground for a moment before looking back up and catching a flicker of remorse on her face. “But really, I should get going. I’ll give you a call sometime,” I lied to her.
“That would be great.” She nodded at me, and looked away. “I’ll catch you later, Noah.”
“Yeah.”
I ran away from her quickly, feeling suddenly alone as I left her. As I got to the corner, I looked back quickly to get one more glimpse of her and I saw her still standing in the same place staring blankly at the space in front of her. My heart panged for her as I wondered what she was thinking about. Part of me wanted to run back to her and find out what was going on in her life. I wanted to know where she grew up, where she had gone to college, why she wanted to be an actress, what sort of actress she wanted to be. I wanted to tell her that she was so much more than just the cliché drama student who comes to L.A. to make it big. She had charisma and character. She was someone that you didn’t forget easily. She was someone I wasn’t going to forget easily. Even though I barely knew her.
But instead I continued running away from her. I couldn’t help her or save her. It wasn’t fair to bring her into the confusion in my life. Not when I still had so much unresolved. Not when my heart still had a hole in it the size of the Mississippi. I thought back to what Sidney had said about moving on in life and making a fresh start. But a part of me didn’t want to forget. A part of me still hoped that everything could still work out. And while I still had hope, it wasn’t fair to bring someone else into my life. No matter how many times my stomach flipped just thinking about her.
Chapter 6
“I just want it to be us, Noah. I know you love Zane and he means something to me. But I just want it to be us. You can move here, to France, and we can make up for all the years we’ve lost.” She stroked the side of my face as she looked at me with wide eyes.
“I can’t do that.” I shook my head, trying hard to keep my anger in.
“Be a good boy for your mama.”
“You gave up the right to that title the day you walked away from me and Zane.”
“I already explained that to you, Noah. Your papa almost broke me. I had to get away.” Her breath caught. “I’ve thought about you every day since I’ve been gone.”
“How can you have stopped loving him?” I studied her face bitterly. “What sort of person are you?”
“The connection just wasn’t—”
“You used to take him out. Just him.” I interrupted her accusingly. “You even asked him to look after me.”
“He was always a strong-willed and protective boy. I knew that he would grow up to be an assertive man. I wanted to make sure that you were taken care of.”
“Most people are taken care of by their parents.”
“Your dad never loved me.” She grabbed my hands and looked at me with pleading eyes. “I couldn’t take it. I wanted to take you with me, but I knew he wouldn’t let me.”
“But what about Zane? Didn’t you love him as well?”
“In my own way.” She looked at me sorrowfully, her eyes begging me to understand.
“I can’t believe that you don’t love your own son.”
“He was never my son.”
“I’m getting fed up of waiting around, Lucky.” Zane’s voice was loud as I slipped in the front door. I could hear his voice booming from the kitchen and I paused, not wanting to interrupt what sounded like a tense moment.
“Patience is a virtue.” Lucky’s voice was softer but I could tell that she felt for him. “Give him time.”
“It’s hard. I just want to know. Why wouldn’t he tell me?” He sounded frustrated. “I’m not trying to be an asshole. I want to understand. I mean, I do understand that he thinks he’s protecting me, but shit, I want to know what the f**k is going on. She’s my mom as well. He can’t just keep this shit to himself.”
“It’s obviously important to him.” Lucky paused. “I’m worried about him, Zane. Last week when we were at the Johnsons’, he seemed really sad and alone. I know you don’t think we should try and introduce him to anyone, but I think he needs to get out there. I know he’s your brother and you love him, and I know you’re frustrated and you want answers, but maybe you should think about how this has affected him. It’s been hard for you, yes, very hard. But you have me now. But what does Noah have? Who does Noah have? He’s carrying all these burdens all by himself. It can’t be easy for him.” Lucky’s voice cracked. “I’m actually really worried about him.” Her voice went low, and I couldn’t hear what she was saying.
I leaned against the front door and frowned to myself. They were worried about me, and Zane was getting irritable, which I had expected. He had never been especially patient when we were growing up and frankly, I was surprised that he hadn’t threatened me for more information already. But it was Lucky who had broken my heart. Hearing the worry and despair in her voice as she spoke about me concerned me. I didn’t want her feeling sorry for me or worrying about me. I knew it wasn’t safe for her to be stressed during her pregnancy. I knew I hadn’t been doing a great job of hiding my emotions or my semi-depression, but I didn’t realize I’d been doing as shitty a job as I had been. I knew that I had to do something to make them think I was moving on in my life. I grabbed my phone and slowly exited the house to make a call.
“Hello?” Her voice was soft and questioning.
“Hey, it’s Noah.”
“Hey.”
“The guy you met in the restaurant and jogging the other—”
“I know who you are.” She laughed. “What’s up?”
“You didn’t hang up.” I grinned into the phone.
“Were you expecting me to?” She laughed. “I know I was a bit of a bitch the first day we met, but I did give you my number. Not the other way around.”
“So I was wondering … would you like to come over for dinner one night?” The words ran out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“Is that code for ‘come over and have sex’?”
“No, no. Sorry, I meant come over and have dinner with my brother, his fiancée and myself.”
“A meet and greet on the first date.”
“Well, it’s not a date. I mean, argh.” I groaned into the phone. “Sorry, I kind of suck at this.”
“You do suck a lot more than I thought you would.”
“I hope that’s not bad.”
“Were you in a long relationship or something?”
“Not really. But I’ve been in some bad ones.” I sighed and changed the subject. “But you don’t want to talk about that.”
“Yeah, we haven’t even been on a date yet. I don’t want the past relationship talk already.”
“So would you like to come over? For dinner, I mean. Nothing else.” I cleared my throat and shook my head at myself. “I mean, it’s not a booty call or anything. Not that you’re not good enough for a booty call. I’m just not using you as a booty call. But this is just a friendly get-together.”
“I knew you were awkward.” She laughed. “I just didn’t realize how awkward.”
“I’m honestly really not this bad.” I paced back and forth, enjoying our conversation. “I think you just bring out the teenage boy in me.”
“Were you a skinny nerdy teenager?” She laughed. “And you transformed into a muscular hunk?”
“Not really.” I laughed. “I’ve always been a bit of a hunk.”
“That’s what I figured. So why so awkward with me?”
“Maybe it’s because you’re special.” I answered honestly and Robin fell silent. “I didn’t mean special special, just that you’re a good person.”
“We shouldn’t do this.” She spoke thoughtfully and slowly. “It’s not a good idea.”
“What’s not a good idea?” I was worried and slightly angry at her words. “It’s just a dinner.”
“It’s never just a dinner.” She sighed. “You seem like trouble, Noah Beaumont. I don’t need any more trouble in my life.”
“I just want to be friends.” I spoke hurriedly into the phone, feeling slightly panicked. What if she decided not to come to dinner? I hadn’t considered that possibility.
“I don’t think you know what you want.” She paused. “There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t know that I can be the person that helps you figure it out.”
“There’s nothing to figure out.” I gripped the phone tightly. “Please come to dinner. It will be fun.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No! Of course not.” I shook my head vehemently and then stopped when I realized she couldn’t see me.
“Did you break up with her or did she break up with you?”
“It was mutual.” My voice was pained as I spoke. I didn’t want to relive the memories of my time in Palm Bonita with her.
“Do you still care about her?” She paused. “Stupid question. I can already tell that you do.”
“What?” I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s okay if you think I’m crazy and intense.” She spoke into the phone hurriedly. “I suppose I am a little bit. Along with being a bitch and slightly neurotic. And a game show fiend. But I can’t get into a relationship or dating situation with someone who is caught up with their ex.”
“I just called to ask you for dinner.” I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. “Not to get married.”
“I guess it would be nice to make some new friends,” she said slowly. “If you’re sure you don’t mind having a friend who could be in the loony bin.”
“You’ll fit right in.” I smiled, suddenly happy that we were back on track. “Can you make it tonight?”
“Tonight?” She sounded surprised. “I’m not sure.”
“Please?” I closed my eyes and pictured her face. “It would be nice to see you again,” I said honestly.
“Well, since you ask that nicely,” she laughed, “I’d love to.”
“Great. Shall I pick you up?”
“I can make my way to you. Where do you live?”
“Los Feliz.”
“Oh, fancy.”
“What about you?”
“Los Feliz as well.”
“Oh, well, I guess you’re fancy, too.”
“I’m not sure you could call the apartment complex I live in fancy. Maybe a fancy dump.”
“Well, I live with my brother, and so while his place isn’t a dump, I can’t claim it as my own.”
“I look forward to seeing it.”
“I look forward to seeing you.” I almost whispered into the phone, lightheaded. I was amazed that I was really enjoying the conversation and was anxious to see her again. I hadn’t thought that I could feel so into someone new with the other worries in my mind. A part of me was ashamed that I was allowing light and happiness into my life while Skylar was still stuck in the dark. I shook my head to stop the sad thoughts from creeping in and taking over.
“Well, if you’re a good boy, you may even get a goodnight kiss,” she teased me happily.
“Then I’ll have to be very good.”
“Noah?” Zane opened the front door and stared at me on the phone. “I thought I heard someone outside. You okay?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I’ll be right in. I’m on the phone.”
He looked at me with an almost accusatory stare and I suddenly realized that he thought I was on the phone with Mom. “A new friend of mine is coming over to dinner tonight. We’re just making plans,” I explained to him, and the wariness in his eyes faded.
“Only a fool would say no!” I slipped the phone back into my pocket. “And I dare say I am that fool.”
“Well, fools can change their ways.” She hesitated before continuing. “I hope you don’t think I’m being too forward. I just feel really bad about how I acted in the restaurant. I’m new to Los Angeles and I’m the cliché drama student who wants to be an actress and make it big and, well, I’m just trying to meet some new people. And not sleep my way to the top, though it seems that all producers want to do is see how far I’m willing to go on the casting couch.” She paused and slapped her hand to her mouth. “Not that you wanted to know any of that.” She sighed. “Sorry again. I’m an over-sharer.”
“Then you fit into Los Angeles already.” I gave her a reassuring smile as I studied her face. I liked her like this, not so confident and slightly out of her element. It made me feel like we had something in common. “We all over-share here. It’s a problem we have. It’s like we all think our lives are a movie and we want everyone to understand every single part of it. Cue angsty music from Paramore.” I laughed and she joined me, while running her hands through her hair.
“You haven’t really shared much with me, though.” She pursed her lips. “I barely know your name.”
“That’s because I don’t live my life as if it’s a movie.” I looked to the ground for a moment before looking back up and catching a flicker of remorse on her face. “But really, I should get going. I’ll give you a call sometime,” I lied to her.
“That would be great.” She nodded at me, and looked away. “I’ll catch you later, Noah.”
“Yeah.”
I ran away from her quickly, feeling suddenly alone as I left her. As I got to the corner, I looked back quickly to get one more glimpse of her and I saw her still standing in the same place staring blankly at the space in front of her. My heart panged for her as I wondered what she was thinking about. Part of me wanted to run back to her and find out what was going on in her life. I wanted to know where she grew up, where she had gone to college, why she wanted to be an actress, what sort of actress she wanted to be. I wanted to tell her that she was so much more than just the cliché drama student who comes to L.A. to make it big. She had charisma and character. She was someone that you didn’t forget easily. She was someone I wasn’t going to forget easily. Even though I barely knew her.
But instead I continued running away from her. I couldn’t help her or save her. It wasn’t fair to bring her into the confusion in my life. Not when I still had so much unresolved. Not when my heart still had a hole in it the size of the Mississippi. I thought back to what Sidney had said about moving on in life and making a fresh start. But a part of me didn’t want to forget. A part of me still hoped that everything could still work out. And while I still had hope, it wasn’t fair to bring someone else into my life. No matter how many times my stomach flipped just thinking about her.
Chapter 6
“I just want it to be us, Noah. I know you love Zane and he means something to me. But I just want it to be us. You can move here, to France, and we can make up for all the years we’ve lost.” She stroked the side of my face as she looked at me with wide eyes.
“I can’t do that.” I shook my head, trying hard to keep my anger in.
“Be a good boy for your mama.”
“You gave up the right to that title the day you walked away from me and Zane.”
“I already explained that to you, Noah. Your papa almost broke me. I had to get away.” Her breath caught. “I’ve thought about you every day since I’ve been gone.”
“How can you have stopped loving him?” I studied her face bitterly. “What sort of person are you?”
“The connection just wasn’t—”
“You used to take him out. Just him.” I interrupted her accusingly. “You even asked him to look after me.”
“He was always a strong-willed and protective boy. I knew that he would grow up to be an assertive man. I wanted to make sure that you were taken care of.”
“Most people are taken care of by their parents.”
“Your dad never loved me.” She grabbed my hands and looked at me with pleading eyes. “I couldn’t take it. I wanted to take you with me, but I knew he wouldn’t let me.”
“But what about Zane? Didn’t you love him as well?”
“In my own way.” She looked at me sorrowfully, her eyes begging me to understand.
“I can’t believe that you don’t love your own son.”
“He was never my son.”
“I’m getting fed up of waiting around, Lucky.” Zane’s voice was loud as I slipped in the front door. I could hear his voice booming from the kitchen and I paused, not wanting to interrupt what sounded like a tense moment.
“Patience is a virtue.” Lucky’s voice was softer but I could tell that she felt for him. “Give him time.”
“It’s hard. I just want to know. Why wouldn’t he tell me?” He sounded frustrated. “I’m not trying to be an asshole. I want to understand. I mean, I do understand that he thinks he’s protecting me, but shit, I want to know what the f**k is going on. She’s my mom as well. He can’t just keep this shit to himself.”
“It’s obviously important to him.” Lucky paused. “I’m worried about him, Zane. Last week when we were at the Johnsons’, he seemed really sad and alone. I know you don’t think we should try and introduce him to anyone, but I think he needs to get out there. I know he’s your brother and you love him, and I know you’re frustrated and you want answers, but maybe you should think about how this has affected him. It’s been hard for you, yes, very hard. But you have me now. But what does Noah have? Who does Noah have? He’s carrying all these burdens all by himself. It can’t be easy for him.” Lucky’s voice cracked. “I’m actually really worried about him.” Her voice went low, and I couldn’t hear what she was saying.
I leaned against the front door and frowned to myself. They were worried about me, and Zane was getting irritable, which I had expected. He had never been especially patient when we were growing up and frankly, I was surprised that he hadn’t threatened me for more information already. But it was Lucky who had broken my heart. Hearing the worry and despair in her voice as she spoke about me concerned me. I didn’t want her feeling sorry for me or worrying about me. I knew it wasn’t safe for her to be stressed during her pregnancy. I knew I hadn’t been doing a great job of hiding my emotions or my semi-depression, but I didn’t realize I’d been doing as shitty a job as I had been. I knew that I had to do something to make them think I was moving on in my life. I grabbed my phone and slowly exited the house to make a call.
“Hello?” Her voice was soft and questioning.
“Hey, it’s Noah.”
“Hey.”
“The guy you met in the restaurant and jogging the other—”
“I know who you are.” She laughed. “What’s up?”
“You didn’t hang up.” I grinned into the phone.
“Were you expecting me to?” She laughed. “I know I was a bit of a bitch the first day we met, but I did give you my number. Not the other way around.”
“So I was wondering … would you like to come over for dinner one night?” The words ran out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“Is that code for ‘come over and have sex’?”
“No, no. Sorry, I meant come over and have dinner with my brother, his fiancée and myself.”
“A meet and greet on the first date.”
“Well, it’s not a date. I mean, argh.” I groaned into the phone. “Sorry, I kind of suck at this.”
“You do suck a lot more than I thought you would.”
“I hope that’s not bad.”
“Were you in a long relationship or something?”
“Not really. But I’ve been in some bad ones.” I sighed and changed the subject. “But you don’t want to talk about that.”
“Yeah, we haven’t even been on a date yet. I don’t want the past relationship talk already.”
“So would you like to come over? For dinner, I mean. Nothing else.” I cleared my throat and shook my head at myself. “I mean, it’s not a booty call or anything. Not that you’re not good enough for a booty call. I’m just not using you as a booty call. But this is just a friendly get-together.”
“I knew you were awkward.” She laughed. “I just didn’t realize how awkward.”
“I’m honestly really not this bad.” I paced back and forth, enjoying our conversation. “I think you just bring out the teenage boy in me.”
“Were you a skinny nerdy teenager?” She laughed. “And you transformed into a muscular hunk?”
“Not really.” I laughed. “I’ve always been a bit of a hunk.”
“That’s what I figured. So why so awkward with me?”
“Maybe it’s because you’re special.” I answered honestly and Robin fell silent. “I didn’t mean special special, just that you’re a good person.”
“We shouldn’t do this.” She spoke thoughtfully and slowly. “It’s not a good idea.”
“What’s not a good idea?” I was worried and slightly angry at her words. “It’s just a dinner.”
“It’s never just a dinner.” She sighed. “You seem like trouble, Noah Beaumont. I don’t need any more trouble in my life.”
“I just want to be friends.” I spoke hurriedly into the phone, feeling slightly panicked. What if she decided not to come to dinner? I hadn’t considered that possibility.
“I don’t think you know what you want.” She paused. “There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t know that I can be the person that helps you figure it out.”
“There’s nothing to figure out.” I gripped the phone tightly. “Please come to dinner. It will be fun.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No! Of course not.” I shook my head vehemently and then stopped when I realized she couldn’t see me.
“Did you break up with her or did she break up with you?”
“It was mutual.” My voice was pained as I spoke. I didn’t want to relive the memories of my time in Palm Bonita with her.
“Do you still care about her?” She paused. “Stupid question. I can already tell that you do.”
“What?” I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s okay if you think I’m crazy and intense.” She spoke into the phone hurriedly. “I suppose I am a little bit. Along with being a bitch and slightly neurotic. And a game show fiend. But I can’t get into a relationship or dating situation with someone who is caught up with their ex.”
“I just called to ask you for dinner.” I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. “Not to get married.”
“I guess it would be nice to make some new friends,” she said slowly. “If you’re sure you don’t mind having a friend who could be in the loony bin.”
“You’ll fit right in.” I smiled, suddenly happy that we were back on track. “Can you make it tonight?”
“Tonight?” She sounded surprised. “I’m not sure.”
“Please?” I closed my eyes and pictured her face. “It would be nice to see you again,” I said honestly.
“Well, since you ask that nicely,” she laughed, “I’d love to.”
“Great. Shall I pick you up?”
“I can make my way to you. Where do you live?”
“Los Feliz.”
“Oh, fancy.”
“What about you?”
“Los Feliz as well.”
“Oh, well, I guess you’re fancy, too.”
“I’m not sure you could call the apartment complex I live in fancy. Maybe a fancy dump.”
“Well, I live with my brother, and so while his place isn’t a dump, I can’t claim it as my own.”
“I look forward to seeing it.”
“I look forward to seeing you.” I almost whispered into the phone, lightheaded. I was amazed that I was really enjoying the conversation and was anxious to see her again. I hadn’t thought that I could feel so into someone new with the other worries in my mind. A part of me was ashamed that I was allowing light and happiness into my life while Skylar was still stuck in the dark. I shook my head to stop the sad thoughts from creeping in and taking over.
“Well, if you’re a good boy, you may even get a goodnight kiss,” she teased me happily.
“Then I’ll have to be very good.”
“Noah?” Zane opened the front door and stared at me on the phone. “I thought I heard someone outside. You okay?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I’ll be right in. I’m on the phone.”
He looked at me with an almost accusatory stare and I suddenly realized that he thought I was on the phone with Mom. “A new friend of mine is coming over to dinner tonight. We’re just making plans,” I explained to him, and the wariness in his eyes faded.
