The Outliers
Page 10
And we cried.
We cried because we both finally knew the truth. We cried for the time lost between us. And although neither one of us said it out loud, I knew that somewhere in the time between those first tears falling and the sun sinking deep into the horizon, we were both crying for her.
Sawyer
The sun had just settled down for the night. The star littered black sky had officially taken its turn guarding the earth.
Finn, Critter and I were still sitting on Critter’s front porch. Critter and Finn were sipping beers. I settled for an iced tea after deciding that beer was an acquired taste, and I hadn't yet had the time to acquire it.
"Do you...do you need me to help take care of her?" I asked Critter. “My mother. It isn’t fair for you have to do it all alone.”
He shook his head and took a sip of his beer. "Listen, kiddo, you've spent your entire life looking after your mother. You've done a good job. You did more than most would in your situation. Hell, you stayed when most would've cut bait and got out." He leaned forward on his elbows. "How about you step aside and let me do it for once? Besides, I've missed out on taking care of that woman for two decades. I've got a lot to make up for."
"I haven't asked you how you're holding up during all of this. So, how are you holding up?"
"I'm hanging in there. She's back but she's not completely back. It's going to take a little while to set her to rights again but I won't stop until my sunflower is back to one hundred percent."
"Are you the one who gave her this pendent?" I asked, holding up the sunflower hanging from the chain on my neck.
"Yeah," he said, looking wistfully over to the sunflower field where the sun had just started to set below the tops of the tall flower, backlighting them and giving them a beautiful haunting glow. "I proposed to your mama in that field. We fell in love in that field. We...well, some things are better left unsaid."
I laughed and sipped my tea.
"There are things about my past you should know," Critter said. Things I don't talk about openly. But you're my daughter and you should know these kinds of things about your old man. About who I am and what I've done in my past."
"Like what?" I asked hesitantly, chewing nervously on the inside of my cheek.
"I haven't always been the best model citizen of this town. I've done things. A lot of things. Some of them bad, really bad. Spent a few years in state prison back in my twenties."
"So, you fell into the bad crowd in your youth?" I suggested.
Critter shook his head and looked at me from over his beer bottle. "No, I was the person people fell into. I was the bad crowd or at least, I ran the bad crowd."
"Does my mother know?" I asked.
"Your mother knows everything about me." Critter chuckled. "Every ugly and dirty detail. And she loves me despite of it and sometimes because of it."
"If it didn't matter to her then it didn't matter to me."
"I don't understand why she's like this now when she wasn't this way before," Finn chimed in.
Critter shook his head. "The shrink here thinks she's been holding so much above her head and over the years the weight of it grew heavier and heavier. When we got her back here and she knew you were okay it was like her knees buckled and it finally all came crashing down around her."
"Do you think she'll ever be back to...normal? Whatever that might be?"
"Normal," Critter chuckled at the word. "And as for your mother, she's a force stronger than any damn hurricane I've ever encountered. She just needs a little rest. A little time. There is only so much one body and mind can process. She'll come back to us eventually. I'm certain of it."
"Can I ask you something?"
Critter nodded.
"She was gone for two decades. Why didn't you ever remarry or have kids?"
Critter sighed and looked to his hands for a moment before answering. "Because the kind of love your mother and I have is not the kind you can recover from. It's not a cold. It's not temporary. It's the kind that becomes a part of yourself. Like the blood in your veins. Getting over your mother just wasn't possible.
"You really do love her," I lamented.
"Yes, with everything I have and more. And you," Critter added, with watery eyes. "I can't make up for years of not being your dad, but I'd sure like to try, kiddo."
Kiddo. I loved every endearment Critter swung my way. They made me feel special.
Safe.
LOVED.
Richard had never called me anything other than Sawyer. Or girl. Like it was a bad word.
"I think I'd like that."
"You need to know that I never believed she left me willingly. Not once. You just don't up and walk away from what we had. Not possible. I looked for you two every damned day after she left me that note. Every fucking day. And, when I couldn't find you I thought you were dead."
"Why?"
"Because I never thought he'd let your mother or you live when he found out she was pregnant with you,” Critter said, tightening his grip around his beer bottle.
"He probably would have,” I agreed. “But as it turns out, I was the perfect leverage to hold over her head."
"I didn't know you were alive until a few months ago when this arrived," Critter reached into his back pocket and handed me an envelope with no return address. "I'll let her tell you what happened."
I took the letter from the envelope and although I knew she was inside the house I heard her voice in my head reading the letter to me as if she were still a ghost.
C-
I'm risking everything by sending this, but I have to because I don't have much time left. It's too late for me, but it's not too late to save our daughter.
Help her before it's too late for her as well.
I love you. Always have. Always will.
Forever your sunflower,
-Caroline
Tears were streaming down my face. I looked from the letter back to Critter. "I still don't understand why she didn't stay. She could have fought him off or escaped and come back to you. Instead she stayed with him. For...over twenty years. Why?"
Critter held up his hand. "Richard threatened her with the death of her child. You. With killing me. He told her if she tried to escape he wouldn't stop until she watched us both die in front of her. I know what you might be thinking but your mother wasn't no coward. She did what she had to do and she stayed because she thought that was the best way to keep us both alive. She's not a coward. Not even close. That woman waded through the waters of hell with the devil himself to keep us safe." Critter shifted in his chair. He glanced up at the house.
We cried because we both finally knew the truth. We cried for the time lost between us. And although neither one of us said it out loud, I knew that somewhere in the time between those first tears falling and the sun sinking deep into the horizon, we were both crying for her.
Sawyer
The sun had just settled down for the night. The star littered black sky had officially taken its turn guarding the earth.
Finn, Critter and I were still sitting on Critter’s front porch. Critter and Finn were sipping beers. I settled for an iced tea after deciding that beer was an acquired taste, and I hadn't yet had the time to acquire it.
"Do you...do you need me to help take care of her?" I asked Critter. “My mother. It isn’t fair for you have to do it all alone.”
He shook his head and took a sip of his beer. "Listen, kiddo, you've spent your entire life looking after your mother. You've done a good job. You did more than most would in your situation. Hell, you stayed when most would've cut bait and got out." He leaned forward on his elbows. "How about you step aside and let me do it for once? Besides, I've missed out on taking care of that woman for two decades. I've got a lot to make up for."
"I haven't asked you how you're holding up during all of this. So, how are you holding up?"
"I'm hanging in there. She's back but she's not completely back. It's going to take a little while to set her to rights again but I won't stop until my sunflower is back to one hundred percent."
"Are you the one who gave her this pendent?" I asked, holding up the sunflower hanging from the chain on my neck.
"Yeah," he said, looking wistfully over to the sunflower field where the sun had just started to set below the tops of the tall flower, backlighting them and giving them a beautiful haunting glow. "I proposed to your mama in that field. We fell in love in that field. We...well, some things are better left unsaid."
I laughed and sipped my tea.
"There are things about my past you should know," Critter said. Things I don't talk about openly. But you're my daughter and you should know these kinds of things about your old man. About who I am and what I've done in my past."
"Like what?" I asked hesitantly, chewing nervously on the inside of my cheek.
"I haven't always been the best model citizen of this town. I've done things. A lot of things. Some of them bad, really bad. Spent a few years in state prison back in my twenties."
"So, you fell into the bad crowd in your youth?" I suggested.
Critter shook his head and looked at me from over his beer bottle. "No, I was the person people fell into. I was the bad crowd or at least, I ran the bad crowd."
"Does my mother know?" I asked.
"Your mother knows everything about me." Critter chuckled. "Every ugly and dirty detail. And she loves me despite of it and sometimes because of it."
"If it didn't matter to her then it didn't matter to me."
"I don't understand why she's like this now when she wasn't this way before," Finn chimed in.
Critter shook his head. "The shrink here thinks she's been holding so much above her head and over the years the weight of it grew heavier and heavier. When we got her back here and she knew you were okay it was like her knees buckled and it finally all came crashing down around her."
"Do you think she'll ever be back to...normal? Whatever that might be?"
"Normal," Critter chuckled at the word. "And as for your mother, she's a force stronger than any damn hurricane I've ever encountered. She just needs a little rest. A little time. There is only so much one body and mind can process. She'll come back to us eventually. I'm certain of it."
"Can I ask you something?"
Critter nodded.
"She was gone for two decades. Why didn't you ever remarry or have kids?"
Critter sighed and looked to his hands for a moment before answering. "Because the kind of love your mother and I have is not the kind you can recover from. It's not a cold. It's not temporary. It's the kind that becomes a part of yourself. Like the blood in your veins. Getting over your mother just wasn't possible.
"You really do love her," I lamented.
"Yes, with everything I have and more. And you," Critter added, with watery eyes. "I can't make up for years of not being your dad, but I'd sure like to try, kiddo."
Kiddo. I loved every endearment Critter swung my way. They made me feel special.
Safe.
LOVED.
Richard had never called me anything other than Sawyer. Or girl. Like it was a bad word.
"I think I'd like that."
"You need to know that I never believed she left me willingly. Not once. You just don't up and walk away from what we had. Not possible. I looked for you two every damned day after she left me that note. Every fucking day. And, when I couldn't find you I thought you were dead."
"Why?"
"Because I never thought he'd let your mother or you live when he found out she was pregnant with you,” Critter said, tightening his grip around his beer bottle.
"He probably would have,” I agreed. “But as it turns out, I was the perfect leverage to hold over her head."
"I didn't know you were alive until a few months ago when this arrived," Critter reached into his back pocket and handed me an envelope with no return address. "I'll let her tell you what happened."
I took the letter from the envelope and although I knew she was inside the house I heard her voice in my head reading the letter to me as if she were still a ghost.
C-
I'm risking everything by sending this, but I have to because I don't have much time left. It's too late for me, but it's not too late to save our daughter.
Help her before it's too late for her as well.
I love you. Always have. Always will.
Forever your sunflower,
-Caroline
Tears were streaming down my face. I looked from the letter back to Critter. "I still don't understand why she didn't stay. She could have fought him off or escaped and come back to you. Instead she stayed with him. For...over twenty years. Why?"
Critter held up his hand. "Richard threatened her with the death of her child. You. With killing me. He told her if she tried to escape he wouldn't stop until she watched us both die in front of her. I know what you might be thinking but your mother wasn't no coward. She did what she had to do and she stayed because she thought that was the best way to keep us both alive. She's not a coward. Not even close. That woman waded through the waters of hell with the devil himself to keep us safe." Critter shifted in his chair. He glanced up at the house.
