The Player and the Pixie
Page 83
I gave him a small smile, realizing the admission cost him something.
“You’d make sense too if you just took a second and thought things through before barging in full steam ahead and throwing all your toys out of the pram.”
My brother narrowed his gaze at my phrasing but didn’t deny it. “I still think it’s going to end badly. Can’t you just stop this thing before it goes any further? You think you love him but how can you? It’s not possible.”
I bristled as I shot back defensively. “I never said I loved him.”
“You forget I’ve spent a lifetime learning your ticks, Lucy. I saw you with him downstairs. I saw it written all over your face, but it’s just lust. I’m sure it’s the same on his end. He thinks he’s in love with you, too.”
It took me a good twenty seconds to recover from Ronan’s statement before I managed, “He told you that?” The question was a weak whisper, my heart clenching. I wasn’t sure why, but the idea of Sean confessing his love for me to my brother, the one person who might beat the living shit out of him for it, made me feel all warm and mushy inside.
Ronan huffed. “Yes, he did.”
I let that sink in for a moment, savoring the loveliness of it all before I circled back to the other thing he’d said. “Why do you think it’s so impossible for us to be in love?”
“Isn’t it obvious? You haven’t even slept together yet. For all you know, he could be terrible in bed.”
At this I burst out laughing, a full-on belly laugh, my hands going to my middle to hold my stomach. One, because Ronan didn’t know how apt his comment was, and two, because he thought we hadn’t slept together. I almost wanted to roll my eyes at how he still saw me as his chaste, quirky little sister.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Who gave you the idea we hadn’t slept together?”
Ronan’s distinctive eyebrows drew closer and closer until they formed one dark line of disapproval. “Sean told me downstairs.”
I found that hard to believe. “He actually said it, word for word? Lucy and I haven’t slept together?”
Ronan frowned so hard I thought his face was going to break. “Well, maybe not word for word. He said you rejected him, I thought . . .” Now his expression turned to disbelief, then to anger, then to brotherly disappointment. I felt it cut through me like a knife.
“I did reject him,” I said softly. “I rejected him quite a few times . . . until I didn’t anymore.”
Now he stared at me like I was a stranger, and that hurt most of all. He raked his hands through his hair and swore. “Fuck.”
But Annie was right.
Her words from earlier came back to me. I needed to be living my own life. Ronan might not like my choices, but that was okay.
“Ronan,” I continued, my voice still soft. “I never did any of it to hurt you. You of all people should know we can’t control how our feelings develop, how sometimes they latch on to the least likely and most inconvenient person. I love you. I would never intentionally disrespect you. I didn’t set out to be anything more than Sean’s friend. You’re my hero, and you always have been. I’ve looked up to you since I was little, thought the sun rose and set on your shoulders, and I still do. But at some point, and quite against my will, I fell for Sean Cassidy.”
I shrugged, because I felt a little helpless. I had no control over whether or not Ronan ultimately forgave Sean. But then, Ronan had no control over the depth of my feelings for Sean, either.
“If you couldn’t accept Sean and me, it’d break my heart. But I would understand. I will love you, no matter what you decide.”
At that moment, I realized just how much bullshit that note I’d left Sean had been. I didn’t want to stop being with him. I’d read enough books about happiness and self-fulfillment to know that denying yourself the very thing that brings you joy will only create a hole inside you. And that hole will fester until it becomes black and toxic.
The more I thought of Sean, the more a new, unexplored feeling began to suffuse my chest. I couldn’t believe how differently I felt for him now, as compared to how I’d felt about him when we first met. And if he hadn’t been there in that shop tonight, if he hadn’t been there to step in and sacrifice himself for me, I would’ve been arrested. I would’ve spent the night before my brother’s wedding in a jail cell.
I would have deserved it.
But Annie and Ronan didn’t deserve such a scene, nor me being an embarrassment on the eve of their wedding. For that I was truly sorry and I was determined to make it up to them, just not in a way that was unhealthy or had me sacrificing happiness for my brother’s peace of mind.
It was also ironic. I’d thought my secret relationship with Sean would ruin Ronan’s wedding, when in reality it had been the thing to save it. Sean tried his hardest to act like he was a vacuous, careless snob, but deep down he was so good. And I loved him.
I loved him so much it terrified me.
I loved that he’d been terrible in bed. I loved that he hadn’t wanted to be terrible in bed. I loved that I’d had to teach him how to make me come. I loved that he was vain and materialistic. I loved that he loved dogs. I loved that he stole things from random women’s bathroom cabinets, and that he was completely out of touch with reality. I loved how he told me my style was awful even though I knew he secretly adored it. I loved how much he enjoyed giving me pleasure even more than he enjoyed his own. And I loved that he wanted to protect me so much he’d risk being arrested if it meant I’d get to walk free.
“You’d make sense too if you just took a second and thought things through before barging in full steam ahead and throwing all your toys out of the pram.”
My brother narrowed his gaze at my phrasing but didn’t deny it. “I still think it’s going to end badly. Can’t you just stop this thing before it goes any further? You think you love him but how can you? It’s not possible.”
I bristled as I shot back defensively. “I never said I loved him.”
“You forget I’ve spent a lifetime learning your ticks, Lucy. I saw you with him downstairs. I saw it written all over your face, but it’s just lust. I’m sure it’s the same on his end. He thinks he’s in love with you, too.”
It took me a good twenty seconds to recover from Ronan’s statement before I managed, “He told you that?” The question was a weak whisper, my heart clenching. I wasn’t sure why, but the idea of Sean confessing his love for me to my brother, the one person who might beat the living shit out of him for it, made me feel all warm and mushy inside.
Ronan huffed. “Yes, he did.”
I let that sink in for a moment, savoring the loveliness of it all before I circled back to the other thing he’d said. “Why do you think it’s so impossible for us to be in love?”
“Isn’t it obvious? You haven’t even slept together yet. For all you know, he could be terrible in bed.”
At this I burst out laughing, a full-on belly laugh, my hands going to my middle to hold my stomach. One, because Ronan didn’t know how apt his comment was, and two, because he thought we hadn’t slept together. I almost wanted to roll my eyes at how he still saw me as his chaste, quirky little sister.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Who gave you the idea we hadn’t slept together?”
Ronan’s distinctive eyebrows drew closer and closer until they formed one dark line of disapproval. “Sean told me downstairs.”
I found that hard to believe. “He actually said it, word for word? Lucy and I haven’t slept together?”
Ronan frowned so hard I thought his face was going to break. “Well, maybe not word for word. He said you rejected him, I thought . . .” Now his expression turned to disbelief, then to anger, then to brotherly disappointment. I felt it cut through me like a knife.
“I did reject him,” I said softly. “I rejected him quite a few times . . . until I didn’t anymore.”
Now he stared at me like I was a stranger, and that hurt most of all. He raked his hands through his hair and swore. “Fuck.”
But Annie was right.
Her words from earlier came back to me. I needed to be living my own life. Ronan might not like my choices, but that was okay.
“Ronan,” I continued, my voice still soft. “I never did any of it to hurt you. You of all people should know we can’t control how our feelings develop, how sometimes they latch on to the least likely and most inconvenient person. I love you. I would never intentionally disrespect you. I didn’t set out to be anything more than Sean’s friend. You’re my hero, and you always have been. I’ve looked up to you since I was little, thought the sun rose and set on your shoulders, and I still do. But at some point, and quite against my will, I fell for Sean Cassidy.”
I shrugged, because I felt a little helpless. I had no control over whether or not Ronan ultimately forgave Sean. But then, Ronan had no control over the depth of my feelings for Sean, either.
“If you couldn’t accept Sean and me, it’d break my heart. But I would understand. I will love you, no matter what you decide.”
At that moment, I realized just how much bullshit that note I’d left Sean had been. I didn’t want to stop being with him. I’d read enough books about happiness and self-fulfillment to know that denying yourself the very thing that brings you joy will only create a hole inside you. And that hole will fester until it becomes black and toxic.
The more I thought of Sean, the more a new, unexplored feeling began to suffuse my chest. I couldn’t believe how differently I felt for him now, as compared to how I’d felt about him when we first met. And if he hadn’t been there in that shop tonight, if he hadn’t been there to step in and sacrifice himself for me, I would’ve been arrested. I would’ve spent the night before my brother’s wedding in a jail cell.
I would have deserved it.
But Annie and Ronan didn’t deserve such a scene, nor me being an embarrassment on the eve of their wedding. For that I was truly sorry and I was determined to make it up to them, just not in a way that was unhealthy or had me sacrificing happiness for my brother’s peace of mind.
It was also ironic. I’d thought my secret relationship with Sean would ruin Ronan’s wedding, when in reality it had been the thing to save it. Sean tried his hardest to act like he was a vacuous, careless snob, but deep down he was so good. And I loved him.
I loved him so much it terrified me.
I loved that he’d been terrible in bed. I loved that he hadn’t wanted to be terrible in bed. I loved that I’d had to teach him how to make me come. I loved that he was vain and materialistic. I loved that he loved dogs. I loved that he stole things from random women’s bathroom cabinets, and that he was completely out of touch with reality. I loved how he told me my style was awful even though I knew he secretly adored it. I loved how much he enjoyed giving me pleasure even more than he enjoyed his own. And I loved that he wanted to protect me so much he’d risk being arrested if it meant I’d get to walk free.
