The Rocker Who Shatters Me
Page 44
I watched the muscles in Zander’s throat work as he swallowed hard. “Yeah, man. Friends.”
Devlin pulled his hand back. “No more touching my girl, dude. I don’t want to have to kill you.”
Zander’s gaze met mine for a moment. I smiled up at him and his face softened. “No, dude. No touching. But I won’t say no to hugs.” He opened his arms and I didn’t hesitate to step into them.
Zander’s hug was like balm on the bruises he’d inflicted on my heart. Our friendship might never be as close as it once had been, but I wanted to try and get it as close as possible. He might be a clown, always trying to make a joke out of life to hide his own demons and issues, but that was one of the things that I loved about him.
The hug didn’t last more than ten seconds before I felt Devlin’s hand on my arm, tugging me back. Zander snickered, but let me go. “Okay. I get it. Hugs are going to be a rare thing.”
“Damn straight.” Devlin pulled me into his own arms and I wrapped my arms around his waist, inhaling the hint of Acqua Di Gio that he must have put on that morning.
I closed my eyes and buried my face in his chest. My heart and brain were now screaming at me to get to the issue at hand. They needed him to confirm what I’d seen in his eyes. But not yet. As soon as we were alone, I’d start demanding the words. For now, for this moment, I was content with his arms around me holding on as if he never planned on letting go.
“So…” The sound of a new voice had me lifting my head to find Harris standing just a few feet away. He thrust his hands into his pockets and looked from me to his dad, his eyes full of concern. “Does this mean you and Nat aren’t breaking up again?”
“No, kid.” Devlin grinned. “I’m not letting Nat go this time. She’s stuck with me… And you too, I guess.”
Harris’s face split with a grin almost identical to his father’s. I sighed, realizing that I really was stuck with them both. The thought was one that melted my heart. “Good. I mean, she’s a ball buster when it comes to making sure I’m eating right, but I still love her.”
Laughing, I rolled my eyes at him. “I love you too, buddy.”
Zander slung an arm around Harris’s shoulders. “I smell food. Let’s go grab something to eat. I think your dad and Natalie need a few to themselves.”
“As long as he isn’t going to do something stupid that will make her kick his ass to the curb, I don’t care what they do.” Harris shot his dad a meaningful look, letting him know that he wasn’t going to be happy if that happened. Devlin grunted and Harris must have taken that as a good enough answer because he walked off with Zander.
Z was right, there was the scent of food in the air. The food that Emmie had had catered must have already arrived. The sound of music beginning to play meant that the DJ had set up. Everyone had drifted off, ready to get the promised party started. Devlin and I were now standing alone in the fading daylight of the parking lot.
Finally I lifted my eyes to meet his gaze. My breath caught in my lungs when I saw that his eyes were still shining down at me with love. For so long I’d thought that I would never see that look in his eyes, that I was nothing more than a distraction for him. Maybe one he’d become addicted to at the most because he hadn’t simply moved on after that bet. Now that I knew differently, it put a new spin on how I viewed our past…
“Say it,” Devlin suddenly commanded. “Say it again.”
I blinked, so stuck in my own musings and guilt over the past, that I didn’t immediately understand what he was asking me for. “Say what?”
“That you love me.” His eyes darkened and his face twisted in pain. “Unless you don’t and you just said that so that your brother wouldn’t rearrange my face.”
“No, dummy. I didn’t say it just so Shane wouldn’t hit you again,” I rushed to assure him. “I wouldn’t ever say something like that unless I really meant it.” Love was too big a word, held too much power. I would never speak it unless it was something that I felt without a shadow of a doubt.
“Then tell me.” His voice was so coarse and gruff that it came out a plea.
I unwrapped my arms from around his waist and lifted my hands to cup his face. Gently, I traced my thumb over his swollen mouth. “I love you, Dev.”
His eyes closed as if he were trying to block everything else in the world out and burn my words into his soul. I felt tears burning my throat, my nose, and eyes. We never should have spent over a year apart. That damn bet had hurt me, but it was the thought that he didn’t love me, that he didn’t care even a little about me that had kept us apart for so long. Now, as he opened those startling eyes at me and I saw that I’d been an idiot to even think he didn’t love me, I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry for all the wasted time away from him.
“I love you too, Nat. More than I can ever tell you, ever hope to show you. Baby, I’m so sorry for that fucking bet. I—”
“Stop,” I pleaded as the first tear escaped my eye. “I’m sorry, too. I’ve done things that I can never take back just like you have. I don’t want to remember them. Okay? Let’s just move forward.”
“What do you have to be sorry for?” he demanded, a frown wrinkling his brow. “I’m the one that was stupid and…” His face twisted in pain and I knew that he was remembering the day after the charity event. The things that I’d thrown at him, the way I’d taunted him the day after when he’d texted me to make sure that I was okay. “I don’t care that you took that damn morning-after pill, Nat.”
I opened my mouth, but whatever I might have said was left trapped in my throat when he went on. “We were both stupid that night and neither one of us was ready to face the idea of having a baby at the time. If anything, I might have even been a little relieved that you corrected our possible mistake. I’m not ready for more kids right now. Maybe one day, when we’re both sure, we can talk about the possibility of kids. For now, I just want to focus on you and me.”
My mouth shut with a snap and I lowered my eyes so that he couldn’t see what I was thinking. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond to any of that when my heart felt like it was suddenly being torn in two. Here I was, with Devlin telling me he loved me, something that I never thought I’d ever hear. It was a bittersweet moment, but at the same time, I was suddenly feeling even more guilt.
Devlin pulled his hand back. “No more touching my girl, dude. I don’t want to have to kill you.”
Zander’s gaze met mine for a moment. I smiled up at him and his face softened. “No, dude. No touching. But I won’t say no to hugs.” He opened his arms and I didn’t hesitate to step into them.
Zander’s hug was like balm on the bruises he’d inflicted on my heart. Our friendship might never be as close as it once had been, but I wanted to try and get it as close as possible. He might be a clown, always trying to make a joke out of life to hide his own demons and issues, but that was one of the things that I loved about him.
The hug didn’t last more than ten seconds before I felt Devlin’s hand on my arm, tugging me back. Zander snickered, but let me go. “Okay. I get it. Hugs are going to be a rare thing.”
“Damn straight.” Devlin pulled me into his own arms and I wrapped my arms around his waist, inhaling the hint of Acqua Di Gio that he must have put on that morning.
I closed my eyes and buried my face in his chest. My heart and brain were now screaming at me to get to the issue at hand. They needed him to confirm what I’d seen in his eyes. But not yet. As soon as we were alone, I’d start demanding the words. For now, for this moment, I was content with his arms around me holding on as if he never planned on letting go.
“So…” The sound of a new voice had me lifting my head to find Harris standing just a few feet away. He thrust his hands into his pockets and looked from me to his dad, his eyes full of concern. “Does this mean you and Nat aren’t breaking up again?”
“No, kid.” Devlin grinned. “I’m not letting Nat go this time. She’s stuck with me… And you too, I guess.”
Harris’s face split with a grin almost identical to his father’s. I sighed, realizing that I really was stuck with them both. The thought was one that melted my heart. “Good. I mean, she’s a ball buster when it comes to making sure I’m eating right, but I still love her.”
Laughing, I rolled my eyes at him. “I love you too, buddy.”
Zander slung an arm around Harris’s shoulders. “I smell food. Let’s go grab something to eat. I think your dad and Natalie need a few to themselves.”
“As long as he isn’t going to do something stupid that will make her kick his ass to the curb, I don’t care what they do.” Harris shot his dad a meaningful look, letting him know that he wasn’t going to be happy if that happened. Devlin grunted and Harris must have taken that as a good enough answer because he walked off with Zander.
Z was right, there was the scent of food in the air. The food that Emmie had had catered must have already arrived. The sound of music beginning to play meant that the DJ had set up. Everyone had drifted off, ready to get the promised party started. Devlin and I were now standing alone in the fading daylight of the parking lot.
Finally I lifted my eyes to meet his gaze. My breath caught in my lungs when I saw that his eyes were still shining down at me with love. For so long I’d thought that I would never see that look in his eyes, that I was nothing more than a distraction for him. Maybe one he’d become addicted to at the most because he hadn’t simply moved on after that bet. Now that I knew differently, it put a new spin on how I viewed our past…
“Say it,” Devlin suddenly commanded. “Say it again.”
I blinked, so stuck in my own musings and guilt over the past, that I didn’t immediately understand what he was asking me for. “Say what?”
“That you love me.” His eyes darkened and his face twisted in pain. “Unless you don’t and you just said that so that your brother wouldn’t rearrange my face.”
“No, dummy. I didn’t say it just so Shane wouldn’t hit you again,” I rushed to assure him. “I wouldn’t ever say something like that unless I really meant it.” Love was too big a word, held too much power. I would never speak it unless it was something that I felt without a shadow of a doubt.
“Then tell me.” His voice was so coarse and gruff that it came out a plea.
I unwrapped my arms from around his waist and lifted my hands to cup his face. Gently, I traced my thumb over his swollen mouth. “I love you, Dev.”
His eyes closed as if he were trying to block everything else in the world out and burn my words into his soul. I felt tears burning my throat, my nose, and eyes. We never should have spent over a year apart. That damn bet had hurt me, but it was the thought that he didn’t love me, that he didn’t care even a little about me that had kept us apart for so long. Now, as he opened those startling eyes at me and I saw that I’d been an idiot to even think he didn’t love me, I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry for all the wasted time away from him.
“I love you too, Nat. More than I can ever tell you, ever hope to show you. Baby, I’m so sorry for that fucking bet. I—”
“Stop,” I pleaded as the first tear escaped my eye. “I’m sorry, too. I’ve done things that I can never take back just like you have. I don’t want to remember them. Okay? Let’s just move forward.”
“What do you have to be sorry for?” he demanded, a frown wrinkling his brow. “I’m the one that was stupid and…” His face twisted in pain and I knew that he was remembering the day after the charity event. The things that I’d thrown at him, the way I’d taunted him the day after when he’d texted me to make sure that I was okay. “I don’t care that you took that damn morning-after pill, Nat.”
I opened my mouth, but whatever I might have said was left trapped in my throat when he went on. “We were both stupid that night and neither one of us was ready to face the idea of having a baby at the time. If anything, I might have even been a little relieved that you corrected our possible mistake. I’m not ready for more kids right now. Maybe one day, when we’re both sure, we can talk about the possibility of kids. For now, I just want to focus on you and me.”
My mouth shut with a snap and I lowered my eyes so that he couldn’t see what I was thinking. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond to any of that when my heart felt like it was suddenly being torn in two. Here I was, with Devlin telling me he loved me, something that I never thought I’d ever hear. It was a bittersweet moment, but at the same time, I was suddenly feeling even more guilt.
