The Rosie Effect
Page 51
‘Are you two okay?’
‘Of course.’ The answer was accurate, assuming that I was employing the word ‘okay’ in the way it would be used to describe a meal or a performance: The play was okay, not great. I assessed Rosie’s current level of satisfaction with me as ‘not great’.
‘I’ll do my best, Don. But if you’re talking to Dave, can you let him know that I’m not like Rosie? Maybe give him your book if you don’t need it any more. I’d love for him to come home early and make me vegetable curry.’
The session with Lydia did not go as planned. I was only five items into my detailed list of events, enumerating instances of Rosie refusing help, when she interrupted and addressed Sonia.
‘Why did you not want Don’s advice?’
‘No man is telling me what to do with my body.’ Sonia said this calmly, but then paused and contorted her face in what I assumed was an impression of anger and hit the table with her fist. ‘Bastardos!’
Lydia seemed surprised. I hoped the surprise was at Sonia’s actions and not her use of a Spanish word. ‘It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences.’
‘In my village, there is much oppression by the patriarchy.’
‘You came from a village in Italy?’
‘Si. A small village. Poco.’ Sonia indicated the size of the village by holding her thumb and forefinger approximately two centimetres apart.
‘And has working in an IVF lab and studying at Columbia altered your view of men?’
‘I don’t want Don to tell me what to eat and how much to exercise and when to go to bed.’
‘And that’s what you feel he’s been doing?’
‘Si. That is not what I want.’
‘I can quite understand.’ Lydia turned to me. ‘Can you understand that, Don?’
‘Totally. Rosie does not require my help.’ I did not point out that this had been my original position until Lydia had demanded I interfere.
‘So, Rosie, last time we met, you seemed quite passionate about wanting some support from Don.’
‘Now that I’ve experienced it, I’ve decided it’s not such a good idea.’
‘I can see why. Don, support isn’t about telling Rosie what to do. If you want me to be blunt, the problem’s with you. Instead of telling her how to be a mother, maybe you should be doing some preparation for being a supportive father.’
Of course! The baby would have two parents, and I had been focusing all my energies on optimising the performance of one. I was amazed that I had not seen the problem earlier, but as a scientist I recognised that paradigm shifts appear obvious only in retrospect. Also, I had been focused on doing whatever seemed necessary to prevent Lydia giving me an adverse report, under the assumption that there was no actual problem with me as a prospective parent. But recent criticisms from Rosie were evidence that Lydia’s original judgement was correct. My respect for her had increased dramatically.
I jumped to my feet. ‘Brilliant! Problem solved. I need to gain fatherhood skills.’
Lydia maintained a professional level of calmness. She turned to Sonia.
‘How do you feel about that? Do you think Don understands what’s required?’
Sonia nodded. ‘I’m very happy. I’m happy for all the things he taught me about pregnancy because I am too busy with the study, but now I’ll make sure he is thinking only about being a papa.’
Lydia picked up the police file that had been sitting on the desk and smiled.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘our time is up. Assisting with your parenting was never the official purpose of these sessions, and in that respect you’re going to be picked up by the Good Fathers program. I’ll be getting a report from them.’
This was the men’s group that she had referred me to at our first meeting to assess my propensity for violence. The program I had booked was still seven weeks in the future.
She waved the police file. ‘But as far as parenthood is concerned, if the two of you can keep reminding each other what you’ve said today—’
‘Excellent,’ I said. ‘A highly productive session. I’ll book the next available slot.’
‘She was going to let you off,’ said Sonia.
‘I suspected that. But what she said was so useful.’
‘She’s still got that police file. Couldn’t we—you—find another therapist?’
‘A significant percentage of professionals are incompetent. And she is familiar with us now.’
‘Us. You and Rosie, the Italian peasant.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Her insight was incredible. She solved the problem.’
20
In retrospect, I had been on the correct path when I observed the children at the playground. Had I not been interrupted—and sidetracked—by a legal technicality, I would have gained the required background on fatherhood, which I now realised was where my attention should be focused.
Recent experience had suggested that I could not ignore the pre-birth stage. Sonia was herself an example of a woman who was unsatisfied with her partner’s level of involvement in the pregnancy phase. After some reflection, I decided that there were at least four areas for action and skill development that did not involve interfering with Rosie’s autonomy:
1. Acquisition of expertise in dealing with very young children. The Book was clear that men should develop skills in baby management to provide respite for their partner. Although Rosie had been dismissive of my role as carer, The Book (and Sonia and Lydia) presented a strongly opposing view.
‘Of course.’ The answer was accurate, assuming that I was employing the word ‘okay’ in the way it would be used to describe a meal or a performance: The play was okay, not great. I assessed Rosie’s current level of satisfaction with me as ‘not great’.
‘I’ll do my best, Don. But if you’re talking to Dave, can you let him know that I’m not like Rosie? Maybe give him your book if you don’t need it any more. I’d love for him to come home early and make me vegetable curry.’
The session with Lydia did not go as planned. I was only five items into my detailed list of events, enumerating instances of Rosie refusing help, when she interrupted and addressed Sonia.
‘Why did you not want Don’s advice?’
‘No man is telling me what to do with my body.’ Sonia said this calmly, but then paused and contorted her face in what I assumed was an impression of anger and hit the table with her fist. ‘Bastardos!’
Lydia seemed surprised. I hoped the surprise was at Sonia’s actions and not her use of a Spanish word. ‘It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences.’
‘In my village, there is much oppression by the patriarchy.’
‘You came from a village in Italy?’
‘Si. A small village. Poco.’ Sonia indicated the size of the village by holding her thumb and forefinger approximately two centimetres apart.
‘And has working in an IVF lab and studying at Columbia altered your view of men?’
‘I don’t want Don to tell me what to eat and how much to exercise and when to go to bed.’
‘And that’s what you feel he’s been doing?’
‘Si. That is not what I want.’
‘I can quite understand.’ Lydia turned to me. ‘Can you understand that, Don?’
‘Totally. Rosie does not require my help.’ I did not point out that this had been my original position until Lydia had demanded I interfere.
‘So, Rosie, last time we met, you seemed quite passionate about wanting some support from Don.’
‘Now that I’ve experienced it, I’ve decided it’s not such a good idea.’
‘I can see why. Don, support isn’t about telling Rosie what to do. If you want me to be blunt, the problem’s with you. Instead of telling her how to be a mother, maybe you should be doing some preparation for being a supportive father.’
Of course! The baby would have two parents, and I had been focusing all my energies on optimising the performance of one. I was amazed that I had not seen the problem earlier, but as a scientist I recognised that paradigm shifts appear obvious only in retrospect. Also, I had been focused on doing whatever seemed necessary to prevent Lydia giving me an adverse report, under the assumption that there was no actual problem with me as a prospective parent. But recent criticisms from Rosie were evidence that Lydia’s original judgement was correct. My respect for her had increased dramatically.
I jumped to my feet. ‘Brilliant! Problem solved. I need to gain fatherhood skills.’
Lydia maintained a professional level of calmness. She turned to Sonia.
‘How do you feel about that? Do you think Don understands what’s required?’
Sonia nodded. ‘I’m very happy. I’m happy for all the things he taught me about pregnancy because I am too busy with the study, but now I’ll make sure he is thinking only about being a papa.’
Lydia picked up the police file that had been sitting on the desk and smiled.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘our time is up. Assisting with your parenting was never the official purpose of these sessions, and in that respect you’re going to be picked up by the Good Fathers program. I’ll be getting a report from them.’
This was the men’s group that she had referred me to at our first meeting to assess my propensity for violence. The program I had booked was still seven weeks in the future.
She waved the police file. ‘But as far as parenthood is concerned, if the two of you can keep reminding each other what you’ve said today—’
‘Excellent,’ I said. ‘A highly productive session. I’ll book the next available slot.’
‘She was going to let you off,’ said Sonia.
‘I suspected that. But what she said was so useful.’
‘She’s still got that police file. Couldn’t we—you—find another therapist?’
‘A significant percentage of professionals are incompetent. And she is familiar with us now.’
‘Us. You and Rosie, the Italian peasant.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Her insight was incredible. She solved the problem.’
20
In retrospect, I had been on the correct path when I observed the children at the playground. Had I not been interrupted—and sidetracked—by a legal technicality, I would have gained the required background on fatherhood, which I now realised was where my attention should be focused.
Recent experience had suggested that I could not ignore the pre-birth stage. Sonia was herself an example of a woman who was unsatisfied with her partner’s level of involvement in the pregnancy phase. After some reflection, I decided that there were at least four areas for action and skill development that did not involve interfering with Rosie’s autonomy:
1. Acquisition of expertise in dealing with very young children. The Book was clear that men should develop skills in baby management to provide respite for their partner. Although Rosie had been dismissive of my role as carer, The Book (and Sonia and Lydia) presented a strongly opposing view.
