The Secret
Page 23
“And protected her.”
“I know.” Orsala stepped closer. “We need to know why. There is a darkness in her. A darkness to her magic that I have never seen before.”
“I do not fear her darkness.”
“Nor should you. But we need to understand it so we may understand her. She needs to understand herself, Malachi. If you do not fear the darkness, then do not shield your mate from it, either. Sometimes we must do exactly the thing that terrifies us most in order that we may live the life we were meant to have.”
WHEN he reached their bedroom, he knocked. It was their shared room, but if she was exhausted—
“Come in, Malachi.”
He pushed the door open. Ava was lying on the bed in a beam of sunlight, the sun catching red strands in her hair. Her eyes were closed. Her forehead smooth.
“Orsala said your head was hurting.”
“I lied. Kind of.”
He toed off his shoes and lay down next to her. “What’s wrong?”
Ava rolled over to make room for him. “You know, I think this was what I missed the most when you were gone.”
He said nothing. The fact that she was talking about her grief was extraordinary enough. He didn’t want to interrupt her.
“I missed lying next to you. Just… that. Not sex. Not even your touch. I missed all those things, but it was just… you. Being here. Knowing that someone gave a shit about me other than my mom. Knowing you were beside me at night.” She moved her leg over to hook it around his knee. “I could reach out for you if I needed you. Or just wanted you. When I had that… I’d never had that before.”
He took a deep breath. “Sometimes I feel as if I’m a second mate. As if you grieved for someone entirely different. That you still grieve.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” He rolled over and watched her face in profile. Her eyes were still closed. But now there were lines of tension on her forehead. He took a finger and smoothed them away. “Don’t be sorry. You lost me, but I never lost you. I think I would go quite mad if our roles had been reversed. The man I am now has always had you. My memories began with you, so I never felt the pain you did. You were where I began, Ava. I was the lucky one.”
She choked out a laugh even as the tears leaked from the corner of her eye. “You were the one who died.”
“But that pain only lasted a heartbeat. Yours lasted for months. Please, don’t hide your grief from me.”
“I’m afraid,” she whispered. “At night I wake up, and for a second, you’re gone again.”
“Reach out. You’ll find me.”
“I’m afraid if I reach for you, I’ll find out this is a dream. That I’m caught in some kind of delusion. I don’t know what’s real in the dark.”
He rolled over and drew her back to his chest, wrapping his arm around her waist. He called up the ancient magic that lived in his skin, allowing his talesm to glow. “Look, Ava.”
She opened her eyes.
“When the darkness comes, reach for me.”
She said nothing, but he could feel her fear.
“What are you afraid of? It’s not just losing me again.”
“I don’t—”
“Don’t lie.” He tapped a finger against her temple. “I can tell.”
“I think…” She put her hands over his and gripped them tightly. “I think my magic is evil, Malachi.”
“It’s not evil. I’ve felt it. It’s beautiful.”
“It’s dark.”
“Dark does not equal evil.” He took a deep breath and felt her match him. They lay together, quietly enjoying the afternoon sun. “Is this because of what happened on the roof with Jaron?”
“It’s more than that.”
“Tell me.”
Ava said nothing for a long while.
“I saw a black angel once,” she whispered. “There was a Grigori attacking me in Norway. He’d broken into the room with another who’d gone after Mala. They were trying… I don’t know what they were trying to do. Kill us? Capture us for Volund, maybe? But he was on me, and I’d made him angry by fighting back. His hand was on my throat.”
Malachi forced his body to remain calm as he held her, but the rage bubbled beneath his skin.
“What happened?”
“I couldn’t remember the spells, and I was so mad. I was furious. I’d lost you. Lost so much. And he was trying to take more. I felt this darkness well up inside me. It poured out of me. I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t speak. It didn’t matter. I could hear… wind. And then it was like the shadows in the room came to life. There was a figure. It felt like Jaron, but more. Darker. Heavier. There was no substance to it. Like a vacuum. And the closer I looked, the more it drew me in.”
He couldn’t help it. His arms tightened around her. “Ava—”
“Feathers,” she whispered. “It sounded like feathers.”
His stomach dropped, and his heart pounded. “What happened?”
She stared at the ceiling, lost in the memory. “I heard screaming, but it wasn’t me. I think I passed out from his hand on my throat. By the time I came back, it was the Grigori screaming. His eyes were open. He was staring into nothing as if he’d seen it too. But it had captured him. It wasn’t letting go.”
Ava’s voice dropped to barely a whisper. “He was so terrified. And I knew… He’d seen what I saw. But the shadow took him. I wanted him to see it, and he did.”
“I know.” Orsala stepped closer. “We need to know why. There is a darkness in her. A darkness to her magic that I have never seen before.”
“I do not fear her darkness.”
“Nor should you. But we need to understand it so we may understand her. She needs to understand herself, Malachi. If you do not fear the darkness, then do not shield your mate from it, either. Sometimes we must do exactly the thing that terrifies us most in order that we may live the life we were meant to have.”
WHEN he reached their bedroom, he knocked. It was their shared room, but if she was exhausted—
“Come in, Malachi.”
He pushed the door open. Ava was lying on the bed in a beam of sunlight, the sun catching red strands in her hair. Her eyes were closed. Her forehead smooth.
“Orsala said your head was hurting.”
“I lied. Kind of.”
He toed off his shoes and lay down next to her. “What’s wrong?”
Ava rolled over to make room for him. “You know, I think this was what I missed the most when you were gone.”
He said nothing. The fact that she was talking about her grief was extraordinary enough. He didn’t want to interrupt her.
“I missed lying next to you. Just… that. Not sex. Not even your touch. I missed all those things, but it was just… you. Being here. Knowing that someone gave a shit about me other than my mom. Knowing you were beside me at night.” She moved her leg over to hook it around his knee. “I could reach out for you if I needed you. Or just wanted you. When I had that… I’d never had that before.”
He took a deep breath. “Sometimes I feel as if I’m a second mate. As if you grieved for someone entirely different. That you still grieve.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” He rolled over and watched her face in profile. Her eyes were still closed. But now there were lines of tension on her forehead. He took a finger and smoothed them away. “Don’t be sorry. You lost me, but I never lost you. I think I would go quite mad if our roles had been reversed. The man I am now has always had you. My memories began with you, so I never felt the pain you did. You were where I began, Ava. I was the lucky one.”
She choked out a laugh even as the tears leaked from the corner of her eye. “You were the one who died.”
“But that pain only lasted a heartbeat. Yours lasted for months. Please, don’t hide your grief from me.”
“I’m afraid,” she whispered. “At night I wake up, and for a second, you’re gone again.”
“Reach out. You’ll find me.”
“I’m afraid if I reach for you, I’ll find out this is a dream. That I’m caught in some kind of delusion. I don’t know what’s real in the dark.”
He rolled over and drew her back to his chest, wrapping his arm around her waist. He called up the ancient magic that lived in his skin, allowing his talesm to glow. “Look, Ava.”
She opened her eyes.
“When the darkness comes, reach for me.”
She said nothing, but he could feel her fear.
“What are you afraid of? It’s not just losing me again.”
“I don’t—”
“Don’t lie.” He tapped a finger against her temple. “I can tell.”
“I think…” She put her hands over his and gripped them tightly. “I think my magic is evil, Malachi.”
“It’s not evil. I’ve felt it. It’s beautiful.”
“It’s dark.”
“Dark does not equal evil.” He took a deep breath and felt her match him. They lay together, quietly enjoying the afternoon sun. “Is this because of what happened on the roof with Jaron?”
“It’s more than that.”
“Tell me.”
Ava said nothing for a long while.
“I saw a black angel once,” she whispered. “There was a Grigori attacking me in Norway. He’d broken into the room with another who’d gone after Mala. They were trying… I don’t know what they were trying to do. Kill us? Capture us for Volund, maybe? But he was on me, and I’d made him angry by fighting back. His hand was on my throat.”
Malachi forced his body to remain calm as he held her, but the rage bubbled beneath his skin.
“What happened?”
“I couldn’t remember the spells, and I was so mad. I was furious. I’d lost you. Lost so much. And he was trying to take more. I felt this darkness well up inside me. It poured out of me. I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t speak. It didn’t matter. I could hear… wind. And then it was like the shadows in the room came to life. There was a figure. It felt like Jaron, but more. Darker. Heavier. There was no substance to it. Like a vacuum. And the closer I looked, the more it drew me in.”
He couldn’t help it. His arms tightened around her. “Ava—”
“Feathers,” she whispered. “It sounded like feathers.”
His stomach dropped, and his heart pounded. “What happened?”
She stared at the ceiling, lost in the memory. “I heard screaming, but it wasn’t me. I think I passed out from his hand on my throat. By the time I came back, it was the Grigori screaming. His eyes were open. He was staring into nothing as if he’d seen it too. But it had captured him. It wasn’t letting go.”
Ava’s voice dropped to barely a whisper. “He was so terrified. And I knew… He’d seen what I saw. But the shadow took him. I wanted him to see it, and he did.”
