The Siren
Page 114
“Sounds like something I would do.” It was easy to see why Zach had loved this woman so fiercely. She had a poetic beauty to her, a gentleness that belied her undeniable fortitude.
“There was something in his voice when we spoke, something that frightened me. He sounded farther away than just an ocean. I talked myself in and out of coming. Now I have to wonder—am I too late? No, don’t answer that. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll answer any question you ask, Grace.”
“I shouldn’t ask. I forfeited my right to ask the first night I spent with Ian. I say the first night as if there were dozens of them instead of just three rather humiliating awkward affairs. It only took a week to realize what a foolish mistake I’d made. But I was so young when Zachary and I married, and it was under such horrid circumstances.”
“I know. Zach told me. I’m very sorry.”
Grace gave Nora a quivering but determined smile.
“He must care about you very much to have told you about us. Even his best mates, he never told them.”
Nora shrugged. “I beat it out of him.”
“I think he’s always been embarrassed by it, by me.”
“No, I promise you he wasn’t. I think he was only ashamed of himself. You were young and he was your teacher—”
“My teacher, yes.” Grace laughed. “Every girl I knew was half in love with Zachary. He talked to us like we were equals.” She smiled at a memory. “He wore the most dignified, scholarly ties every day.”
Nora conjured the image last night of Zach blindfolded with her black tie.
“Zach in a tie is quite a sight to behold,” Nora agreed.
“A suit and tie every day.” Grace grinned. “He was so bloody proper and so handsome strolling the grounds with the ancient old profs hoary with beards quoting Shakespeare and Marlowe from memory…we’d all nearly faint when he strolled past, suit jacket over his shoulder and carrying that staid leather briefcase. We girls had our own ideas about what to do with those ties of his.”
“You’re a woman after my own heart.”
“The first night with him—” Grace stopped. Her voice drifted far away. “I thought I was on a suicide mission. I went to tell him I was in love with him. I thought for certain he’d throw me out. Instead, he made love to me. I know I should have stopped it, should have warned him I wasn’t on birth control, but I didn’t want him to stop. The moment he kissed me I felt like I’d won the world. And even after all that happened, I still felt the same. But it isn’t easy to be married to someone when you have this terrible banshee voice in your head screeching that he only married you out of guilt.”
“There was guilt, I’m sure. But there was love, too, and more of that than anything.”
Grace sat quietly for a moment and seemed to collect her thoughts.
“I know you may not believe me, but I’ve loved Zachary all this time. Even during the worst days. Even those awful nights with Ian…that’s when I missed him the most.”
“I believe you.” Nora tried to give her a reassuring smile. “Five years ago I left the man who had been the center of my universe for thirteen years. Trust me, I believe you.”
“Thirteen years.” Grace sounded stunned. “How did you survive?”
“I wasn’t sure I would. Sometimes I’m not sure I did.”
Grace nodded her understanding. “Ever since Zachary left I’ve felt like a shade. I walk through the empty house and catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or the windows, and I’m surprised to find I’m still there.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. Her eyes held unshed tears. “I scare myself sometimes.”
Nora took a sip of her tea and found she could barely get it down.
“I scare myself, too.”
“I suppose I should be glad Zachary and I stayed married as long as we did. I never believed he loved me. I wanted to. And he certainly did everything he could to show that he loved me. But even after seven years, eight years, I still doubted it. So I pulled away hoping—”
“Hoping he would come after you.”
“And I let him go…”
“Hoping he would come back.”
“But he didn’t come back…” Grace finished the thought.
“I’m sorry,” Nora said, not knowing what else to say.
“I think…I don’t know what I was thinking at the time… . I believe I had the idea that we had to end before we could start again. Nonsense, of course. A romance novel fantasy, I see that now. No offense.”
“None taken. I write erotica, not romance novels.” Nora grinned but her smile faded from her face. “Ask me, Grace. I know you need to.”
“I rang his flat. No one answered. I stopped by this morning and knocked. No one came to the door. Was he with you?”
Nora sensed her claws instinctively wanting to show themselves. But for some reason she harbored none of the hostility she usually felt for a rival.
“I won’t lie to you, Grace. He was with me.” She leaned forward to gaze earnestly at Grace. “But I won’t lie to myself. I think he was with you, too.”
Grace stood up slowly and walked to Nora’s kitchen window.
“When I called him…” Grace began and exhaled. Her warm breath steamed up the cold glass of the window. “He didn’t call me Gracie like he always had.”
“There was something in his voice when we spoke, something that frightened me. He sounded farther away than just an ocean. I talked myself in and out of coming. Now I have to wonder—am I too late? No, don’t answer that. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll answer any question you ask, Grace.”
“I shouldn’t ask. I forfeited my right to ask the first night I spent with Ian. I say the first night as if there were dozens of them instead of just three rather humiliating awkward affairs. It only took a week to realize what a foolish mistake I’d made. But I was so young when Zachary and I married, and it was under such horrid circumstances.”
“I know. Zach told me. I’m very sorry.”
Grace gave Nora a quivering but determined smile.
“He must care about you very much to have told you about us. Even his best mates, he never told them.”
Nora shrugged. “I beat it out of him.”
“I think he’s always been embarrassed by it, by me.”
“No, I promise you he wasn’t. I think he was only ashamed of himself. You were young and he was your teacher—”
“My teacher, yes.” Grace laughed. “Every girl I knew was half in love with Zachary. He talked to us like we were equals.” She smiled at a memory. “He wore the most dignified, scholarly ties every day.”
Nora conjured the image last night of Zach blindfolded with her black tie.
“Zach in a tie is quite a sight to behold,” Nora agreed.
“A suit and tie every day.” Grace grinned. “He was so bloody proper and so handsome strolling the grounds with the ancient old profs hoary with beards quoting Shakespeare and Marlowe from memory…we’d all nearly faint when he strolled past, suit jacket over his shoulder and carrying that staid leather briefcase. We girls had our own ideas about what to do with those ties of his.”
“You’re a woman after my own heart.”
“The first night with him—” Grace stopped. Her voice drifted far away. “I thought I was on a suicide mission. I went to tell him I was in love with him. I thought for certain he’d throw me out. Instead, he made love to me. I know I should have stopped it, should have warned him I wasn’t on birth control, but I didn’t want him to stop. The moment he kissed me I felt like I’d won the world. And even after all that happened, I still felt the same. But it isn’t easy to be married to someone when you have this terrible banshee voice in your head screeching that he only married you out of guilt.”
“There was guilt, I’m sure. But there was love, too, and more of that than anything.”
Grace sat quietly for a moment and seemed to collect her thoughts.
“I know you may not believe me, but I’ve loved Zachary all this time. Even during the worst days. Even those awful nights with Ian…that’s when I missed him the most.”
“I believe you.” Nora tried to give her a reassuring smile. “Five years ago I left the man who had been the center of my universe for thirteen years. Trust me, I believe you.”
“Thirteen years.” Grace sounded stunned. “How did you survive?”
“I wasn’t sure I would. Sometimes I’m not sure I did.”
Grace nodded her understanding. “Ever since Zachary left I’ve felt like a shade. I walk through the empty house and catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or the windows, and I’m surprised to find I’m still there.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. Her eyes held unshed tears. “I scare myself sometimes.”
Nora took a sip of her tea and found she could barely get it down.
“I scare myself, too.”
“I suppose I should be glad Zachary and I stayed married as long as we did. I never believed he loved me. I wanted to. And he certainly did everything he could to show that he loved me. But even after seven years, eight years, I still doubted it. So I pulled away hoping—”
“Hoping he would come after you.”
“And I let him go…”
“Hoping he would come back.”
“But he didn’t come back…” Grace finished the thought.
“I’m sorry,” Nora said, not knowing what else to say.
“I think…I don’t know what I was thinking at the time… . I believe I had the idea that we had to end before we could start again. Nonsense, of course. A romance novel fantasy, I see that now. No offense.”
“None taken. I write erotica, not romance novels.” Nora grinned but her smile faded from her face. “Ask me, Grace. I know you need to.”
“I rang his flat. No one answered. I stopped by this morning and knocked. No one came to the door. Was he with you?”
Nora sensed her claws instinctively wanting to show themselves. But for some reason she harbored none of the hostility she usually felt for a rival.
“I won’t lie to you, Grace. He was with me.” She leaned forward to gaze earnestly at Grace. “But I won’t lie to myself. I think he was with you, too.”
Grace stood up slowly and walked to Nora’s kitchen window.
“When I called him…” Grace began and exhaled. Her warm breath steamed up the cold glass of the window. “He didn’t call me Gracie like he always had.”
