The Sun Is Also a Star
Page 46
Even now, the memory of that first day still crops up at unexpected times. Dae Hyun wishes he could forget it. He’d imagined that coming to America would wipe it clean. But the memory always comes back. Those crabs never gave up. They fought until they died. They would’ve done anything to escape.
IT’S HARD TO KNOW HOW to feel now. I don’t really trust what’s happened, or maybe I just haven’t had enough time to process it.
I check my phone. Bev’s finally texted. She loves, loves, loves Berkeley. She says she thinks she’s destined to go there. Also, California boys are cute in a different way from New York boys. The last text asks how I am, with a string of broken heart emojis. I decide to call and tell her what Attorney Fitzgerald said, but she doesn’t pick up.
call me, I text.
I push my way through the revolving doors and out into the courtyard, and then I just stop moving. A handful of people are having lunch on the benches next to the fountain. Separate groups of fast walkers in suits go in and out of the building. A line of black town cars idles at the curb while their drivers smoke and chat with each other.
How can this be the same day? How can all these people be going about their lives totally oblivious to what’s been happening to mine? Sometimes your world shakes so hard, it’s difficult to imagine that everyone else isn’t feeling it too. That’s how I felt when we first got the deportation notice. It’s also how I felt when I figured out that Rob was cheating on me.
I take out my phone again and look up Rob’s number before remembering I deleted it. My brain holds on to numbers, though, and I dial his from memory. I don’t realize why I’m calling until I’m actually on the phone with him.
“Heyyyyyyyy, Nat,” he drawls. He doesn’t even have the grace to sound surprised.
“My name’s not Nat,” I say. Now that I have him on the phone, I’m not sure I want him on the phone.
“Not cool what you and your new dude did today.” His voice is deep and slow and lazy, like it’s always been. Funny how things that once seemed so charming can become dull and annoying. We think we want all the time in the world with the people we love, but maybe what we need is the opposite. Just a finite amount of time, so we still think the other person is interesting. Maybe we don’t need acts two and three. Maybe love is best in act one.
I ignore his scolding, and the urge to point out that he was the one shoplifting, and therefore he was the uncool one. “I have a question,” I say.
“Go for it,” he says.
“Why did you cheat on me?”
Something falls to the floor on his end and he stammers the beginning of three different answers.
“Calm down,” I say. “I’m not calling to fight with you and I definitely don’t want to get back together. I just want to know. Why didn’t you just break up with me? Why cheat?”
“I don’t know,” he says, managing to stumble over three simple words.
“Come on,” I urge. “There’s gotta be a reason.”
He’s quiet, thinking. “I really don’t know.”
I stay silent.
“You’re great,” he says. “And Kelly’s great. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” He sounds sincere, and I don’t know what to do with that.
“But you must’ve liked her better to cheat, right?”
“No. I just wanted both of you.”
“That’s it?” I ask. “You didn’t want to choose?”
“That’s it,” he says, as if that’s enough.
This answer is so wholly lame, so unbelievably unsatisfying, that I almost hang up. Daniel would never feel this way. His heart chooses.
“One more question. Do you believe in true love and all that stuff?”
“No. You know me better than that. You don’t believe in it either,” he reminds me.
Don’t I? “Okay. Thanks.” I’m about to hang up, but he stops me.
“Can I at least tell you that I’m sorry?” he asks.
“Go ahead.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Okay,” I say. “Don’t cheat on Kelly.”
“I won’t,” he says. I think he means it while he’s saying it.
I should call my parents and tell them about Attorney Fitzgerald, but they’re not who I want to tell right now. Daniel. I need to find him and tell him.
Rob says I don’t believe in true love. And he’s right. I don’t.
But I might want to.
I LEAVE THE STORE. A violinist is standing on a milk crate in front of the pawnshop right next door. She’s pale and scrawny and bedraggled in a poetic sort of way, like something out of David Copperfield. Unlike her, the violin is pristine. I listen for a few seconds but don’t know if she’s any good. I know there’s an objective way to judge these things. Is she playing all the right notes in the right order and in tune?
But there’s another way to judge too: does this music being played right here, right now, matter to someone?
I decide it matters to me. I jog back to where she is and drop a dollar into her hat. There’s a sign next to the hat that I don’t read. I don’t really want to know her story. I just want the music and the moment.
My dad said Natasha and I can never work out. And maybe he’s right, but not for the reasons he thinks. What an idiot I’ve been. I should be with her right now, even if today is all we have. Especially if today is all we have.
We live in the Age of the Cell Phone, but I do not have her cell phone number. I don’t even know her last name. Like an idiot, I Google “Natasha Facebook New York City” and get 5,780,000 hits. I click through maybe a hundred links, and while the Natashas are all quite lovely, none of them is my Natasha. Who knew that her name was so flipping popular?
IT’S HARD TO KNOW HOW to feel now. I don’t really trust what’s happened, or maybe I just haven’t had enough time to process it.
I check my phone. Bev’s finally texted. She loves, loves, loves Berkeley. She says she thinks she’s destined to go there. Also, California boys are cute in a different way from New York boys. The last text asks how I am, with a string of broken heart emojis. I decide to call and tell her what Attorney Fitzgerald said, but she doesn’t pick up.
call me, I text.
I push my way through the revolving doors and out into the courtyard, and then I just stop moving. A handful of people are having lunch on the benches next to the fountain. Separate groups of fast walkers in suits go in and out of the building. A line of black town cars idles at the curb while their drivers smoke and chat with each other.
How can this be the same day? How can all these people be going about their lives totally oblivious to what’s been happening to mine? Sometimes your world shakes so hard, it’s difficult to imagine that everyone else isn’t feeling it too. That’s how I felt when we first got the deportation notice. It’s also how I felt when I figured out that Rob was cheating on me.
I take out my phone again and look up Rob’s number before remembering I deleted it. My brain holds on to numbers, though, and I dial his from memory. I don’t realize why I’m calling until I’m actually on the phone with him.
“Heyyyyyyyy, Nat,” he drawls. He doesn’t even have the grace to sound surprised.
“My name’s not Nat,” I say. Now that I have him on the phone, I’m not sure I want him on the phone.
“Not cool what you and your new dude did today.” His voice is deep and slow and lazy, like it’s always been. Funny how things that once seemed so charming can become dull and annoying. We think we want all the time in the world with the people we love, but maybe what we need is the opposite. Just a finite amount of time, so we still think the other person is interesting. Maybe we don’t need acts two and three. Maybe love is best in act one.
I ignore his scolding, and the urge to point out that he was the one shoplifting, and therefore he was the uncool one. “I have a question,” I say.
“Go for it,” he says.
“Why did you cheat on me?”
Something falls to the floor on his end and he stammers the beginning of three different answers.
“Calm down,” I say. “I’m not calling to fight with you and I definitely don’t want to get back together. I just want to know. Why didn’t you just break up with me? Why cheat?”
“I don’t know,” he says, managing to stumble over three simple words.
“Come on,” I urge. “There’s gotta be a reason.”
He’s quiet, thinking. “I really don’t know.”
I stay silent.
“You’re great,” he says. “And Kelly’s great. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.” He sounds sincere, and I don’t know what to do with that.
“But you must’ve liked her better to cheat, right?”
“No. I just wanted both of you.”
“That’s it?” I ask. “You didn’t want to choose?”
“That’s it,” he says, as if that’s enough.
This answer is so wholly lame, so unbelievably unsatisfying, that I almost hang up. Daniel would never feel this way. His heart chooses.
“One more question. Do you believe in true love and all that stuff?”
“No. You know me better than that. You don’t believe in it either,” he reminds me.
Don’t I? “Okay. Thanks.” I’m about to hang up, but he stops me.
“Can I at least tell you that I’m sorry?” he asks.
“Go ahead.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Okay,” I say. “Don’t cheat on Kelly.”
“I won’t,” he says. I think he means it while he’s saying it.
I should call my parents and tell them about Attorney Fitzgerald, but they’re not who I want to tell right now. Daniel. I need to find him and tell him.
Rob says I don’t believe in true love. And he’s right. I don’t.
But I might want to.
I LEAVE THE STORE. A violinist is standing on a milk crate in front of the pawnshop right next door. She’s pale and scrawny and bedraggled in a poetic sort of way, like something out of David Copperfield. Unlike her, the violin is pristine. I listen for a few seconds but don’t know if she’s any good. I know there’s an objective way to judge these things. Is she playing all the right notes in the right order and in tune?
But there’s another way to judge too: does this music being played right here, right now, matter to someone?
I decide it matters to me. I jog back to where she is and drop a dollar into her hat. There’s a sign next to the hat that I don’t read. I don’t really want to know her story. I just want the music and the moment.
My dad said Natasha and I can never work out. And maybe he’s right, but not for the reasons he thinks. What an idiot I’ve been. I should be with her right now, even if today is all we have. Especially if today is all we have.
We live in the Age of the Cell Phone, but I do not have her cell phone number. I don’t even know her last name. Like an idiot, I Google “Natasha Facebook New York City” and get 5,780,000 hits. I click through maybe a hundred links, and while the Natashas are all quite lovely, none of them is my Natasha. Who knew that her name was so flipping popular?
