The Unfailing Light

Chapter Forty-One

I searched all over the school grounds but could not find Alix. It was close to our curfew, and I knew Madame Tomilov would be checking to make sure everyone was in their beds. I had to return upstairs.
No one else was in our room. It was eerily, unnaturally quiet. I turned around and tried to leave, but the door was stuck fast. I could not escape.
Over the sound of a thousand fluttering bird wings, I heard the strands of Iphigenia's aria in my head, soft and mournful. I was overwhelmed with a sudden feeling of unbearable sadness. My legs were suddenly weak, and I slid to the floor. It hurt my heart and made my breath catch. "Why?" was all I could think to ask. "What made you want to die?" Because at that moment, dying was all I could think of as well.
There was no answer. Just the drumming of a heartbeat, slowing down. And slowing down. But it did not stop completely. It was maddening. I had the insane urge to stop it. Stop it. Stop the beating. Make it stop.
Filled with a bitterness that was tinged with regret, I thought of my parents and my brother. They did not need me to ruin their lives. There was no way I could protect them. None of the girls at Smolny had any need of me. Some of them were starting to fear me. I did not want to be considered a monster. I felt sick to my stomach. Like I'd swallowed something black and poisonous, and it was spreading slowly throughout my body, slowing me down. It spread from my chest to my belly, then down my arms and legs.
Stop the beating. I hugged my arms around my knees, rocking slowly, keeping in time with the heartbeat. The tiny candle flame on the bed stand was dying, and the shadows in our room were deepening. It was exhausting, listening to that torturous heartbeat, and I thought how easy it would be to fall asleep, how nice it would be not to have to wake up again.
"Come with me ...," a young girl's voice whispered above the muted heartbeat. "Katerina Alexandrovna ...," she coaxed. "It's beautiful here."
I heard her sigh. "So beautiful ..."
I sighed too. I wanted to be someplace beautiful. My life was ugly. Full of pain and sickness and so much ugliness. I had to leave. I had to escape. A pale girl was slowly taking shape, and showing me the path. Her hair was so blond it was nearly white.
"Who are you?" I asked. "Please tell me your name."
Her thin, colorless lips curved slightly. "Sophia Konstantinova."
"Sophia, how lovely," I mused aloud. The heartbeat was still beating slowly, vibrating in my chest. I wanted to rip my skin open, set the beating heart free. It felt like a caged animal in my chest, struggling to get out.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My own heartbeat had slowed to match the slow cadence of the one I now realized was coming from the pale girl. How could she have a heartbeat if she was a ghost? My head swam in confusion. She was dead, wasn't she?
Her gray eyes were almost colorless and she stared at me, holding something behind her back. "It will be beautiful, Katerina. I promise."
Slowly she pulled her hand out to show me a faintly glowing rope. She had carefully looped it into a noose.
I shook my head. This was not what I wanted, was it? It was so hard for me to think. To remember.
"This will be easy," she murmured, and stepped closer. Without asking, she lifted my hair off my neck and held the noose over my head. "You have to stand up, Katerina. Only for a little bit. It will be over quickly. You'll see."
I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't want to think about anyone I loved anymore. The pain was too much. What was the point in caring for someone when it only brought them pain? I let a sob escape. I was ready to lay all of my burdens down. Every last one.
Sophia smiled, and this time her lips parted just enough for me to see the horrid black fangs.
I was back on my feet in an instant. My heart sped up, beating its own rhythm. I took a step backward. "Why did you kill Olga? The girl in the kitchen?"
"She took my doll! The one Natalia kept safe for me in her room. That peasant girl stole it when Natalia left."
"Who is Natalia?" I asked. There was nowhere for me to hide from her.
"She was my friend! And you took her from me! You and that horrible beast."
Natalia Metcherskey, I remembered from her headstone at the cemetery. Had Madame Metcherskey been Sophia's friend when they were both little? I could not imagine Madame as a young student here, dressed in the brown and blue Smolny uniforms. Had she seen what had happened to Sophia? What a terrible thing for a little girl to witness. And then to grow up with your best friend a ghost. Perhaps Sophia had not been so violent in the beginning. Perhaps she had slowly lost her sanity as the years passed and her friend Natalia grew up. I almost felt sorry for the ghost.
"Why do you want me dead, Sophia?" I asked, glancing around for a way to escape.
Sophia's laughter sent chills down my spine. "Silly girl," she said. "I want everyone dead." She flew at me, her arms stretched out and ending in icy claws.
I backed away from her and her rope, rolling across the floor and bruising my shoulder. I still could not see her cold light, so there was nothing I could reach for, or grab on to her with. I could feel her cold presence, though, and her touch was like a spike of ice straight to my bones.
"You are the necromancer my father wants," Sophia said as she danced around me. "I want you to stay and play with me here. Forever."
I felt sick. "And who is your father, Sophia? When were you born?"
"I am daughter of Konstantin Pavlovich, tsar of all the Russias."
I should have expected this all along. Somehow, I should have known the ghost was connected to the lich tsar. "And who was your mother?" It wasn't Princess Cantacuzene. And Konstantin's first wife, a Coburg princess, had returned to her home country without ever bearing him any children. Sophia had never been recognized as Konstantin's legitimate child.
She stomped her foot. "My mother would have been queen of Byzantium and empress of all the Russias. I would have been a grand duchess."
"But you weren't. Konstantin hid you away at Smolny long ago, Sophia Konstantinova." Slowly, I backed away from her, edging along the wall. She still blocked my path to the doorway. I wasn't even sure if the door led back into the Smolny hallway anymore. I was not even sure where I was. Limbo? Hell? "Tell me your mother's name. Had she been a Smolny student too?"
Sophia's eyes blazed white-hot. The rope she held seemed to stretch out in her hands and actually reach out for me. I had nothing to defend myself with. No reason for her not to rush forward and attack me.
"Surely the princess Cantacuzene was not your mother. How did you get along with her? Did she and your father visit you often?"
The walls began to shake with Sophia's fury. I had struck a nerve with her. Feeling a bit bolder, I pressed on. "She must have resented you a little. And I'm sure you resented her for stealing your father away to Poland."
"She was a blood-sucking demon," Sophia hissed, never taking her fiery eyes from me. "She wanted me to become just like her. She wanted my very soul."
I'd managed to get halfway around the room. The door was very close to me now, but she still blocked my path. I tried to keep her talking. "But you didn't let her, did you?"
She laughed, and I could see no trace of sanity left in the poor girl's mind. "Of course not! I stayed here and hid. Now she'll never be able to get me."
"That's true," I said in an attempt to sound soothing. My mother always did it so well. "You're safe now, Sophia." I wondered if I should dare get close enough to try to pat her hand, or something equally comforting.
She spun around and stared at me suspiciously. I guessed I hadn't sounded soothing enough. "You'll be safe too, Katerina. I can make it so Konstantin and Johanna will never hurt you."
I shook my head. "You don't understand, Sophia. He can still hurt other people if I die." I swallowed back the heavy lump in my throat. "People I care about." I took another sideways step toward the door. "Please let me go, Sophia. Nothing will happen to you."
"No! I can't let you leave!" The rope stretched out toward me again, this time snaking around my arms. It was so cold, it stung my skin. I cried out in pain and surprise.
Cold light. There was a faint, bluish glow if I looked carefully. Not only could I see it again, but I could definitely feel it as well. I tried not to panic. The rope coiled tighter up my arm and slid around my neck. I had to try even harder not to panic. It wasn't working. "Sophia, please." I closed my eyes, trying to will the cold light to rise up in me and push back the binding of the rope. It fought back even harder. The noose tightened.
Slowly she shook her head. "This is the way it has to be, Katerina. You must understand. Johanna will not give you up. Neither will Konstantin."
I closed my eyes to try to shut out the stinging cold of the rope. It was unbearable. "But Johanna is dead. She cannot hurt anyone anymore."
"I don't believe you. She said she would come back for me. They both said they would come back for me."
"Konstantin has been defeated by the bogatyr. He will not be returning." I gasped as the rope loosened just a little. "Sophia, I want to help you. There must be a way to release you from this limbo at Smolny, so you can be at peace."
She giggled. "But I am at peace, Katerina. I want everyone here at Smolny to be just like me."
I sighed. I was tired of pleading with and coaxing her. "I cannot let that happen, Sophia. You are going to let me go, and I am going to make sure you never hurt anyone else here or anywhere else again."
She grinned, her black, razor-sharp teeth flashing ominously. "I don't know what I'm going to do with you, Katerina. You make me so sad. I wanted you to stay with me, I wanted to protect you from Konstantin and Johanna, but I might let them have you after all. I'll trade your soul for mine."
The rope uncoiled from around my neck and wrapped itself around my arms, pinning them close to my body with its stinging chill. I tried to take a deep breath, thankful I wasn't being strangled anymore, but the rope had my chest bound tight. I could barely breathe.
Sophia laughed again. "I'll keep you just like that until my father comes looking for me. Then I will give him the best present a daughter could ever give."
I closed my eyes, trying to block out the freezing pain. I tried to fight down the rising fear I felt in my belly. It would serve me no purpose. So I fought the fear with my own cold light. It uncoiled around me, feeding on the blackest, ugliest emotions I could give it. Darkness to fight light. It felt unnatural, and utterly wrong, but it seemed to be working.
"Nooo! What are you doing?" Sophia wailed. "You'll ruin everything!"
I opened my eyes and stared at the ghost. "Sheult Anubis." Her own cold light became wrapped in my shadows, until there was nothing left of her to see. I felt nothing but cold. No emotion, no feelings toward her now at all. I did not feel sorry for hurting her, and yet I had no desire to harm or punish her either. There was nothing but a gaping void inside. And the freezing cold.
"Maman! Maman!" Her cries echoed in my ears. I had no way of knowing if she was crying for her mother's help, or if she had seen her poor mother in whatever afterlife place I was sending her to.
Sophia had disappeared beneath the shadows, and I could not hear her screams anymore. I shivered as the room fell completely silent. I did not know where the shadow had taken her, but I vowed I would find out before I ever did that to another soul, living or dead, again.
It had been completely irresponsible. What if I'd banished the ghost to a more desolate place than here? What if I'd condemned her to hell itself? Revolted by my own behavior, I was suddenly overcome and retched in the corner of the room.
If I had sent her someplace that awful, then I would no doubt be joining her for my own wickedness at the end of my days. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve, and used the wall to keep me steady as I made my way to the doorway.
The bluish glow was gone. The cold was fading, and I felt my limbs slowly warming back up. My blood was circulating again. I could feel my heart, pounding strong and fast, in my chest. "Hello?" I cried feebly. I had no idea what time it was, why no one was upstairs getting ready for bed.
I made it to the hallway before collapsing on the floor in front of all my teachers and classmates. One of the last things I heard was Elena's voice. "Madame Tomilov! Send for Sister Anna!"