The Vampire Who Played Dead

Chapter Two

I was at Astro's Burgers in Silver Lake. I had just sat down and ordered an orange juice when Detective Hammer, my cop friend, stepped into the restaurant. He spotted me and came over.
"You're late," I said as Hammer sat.
"I'm a homicide detective with the Los Angeles Police Department. You're lucky I even give you the time of day."
"Private eyes are people, too," I said.
"Yeah, but they ain't real cops." He waved the waitress over and put in his order. A milkshake, fries and double cheeseburger.
"Should I call 911 now?" I asked.
"You better hope I don't keel over; otherwise, you would be minus your only cop friend in Los Angeles."
"I can always make another cop friend."
Hammer snorted. "Not you, pal. You can barely look a waitress in the eye."
"I'm shy. You know that."
"I thought only teen girls were shy."
"Think again."
Our drinks came, although I was using the word "drink" loosely in his case. The milkshake might as well have been ice cream. In fact, Hammer quickly ditched the straw and used his spoon.
He said, between slurps, "So how did you hear about the Evelyn case?"
"Her son hired me to find her."
Hammer choked on his milk shake. I could have been wrong, but I think some of it even came out of his nostrils. He covered his face and coughed some more and I handed him a napkin.
"He does realize his mother is dead, right?"
"Yes," I said. "He also understands that her body is missing."
"He hired you to find a corpse?"
"Somebody has to."
Hammer continued shoveling in his shake. Some of it got into his cop mustache, where it was quickly absorbed. I wondered what else had been absorbed into his mustache.
"Yeah," said Hammer. "I suppose someone's got to." He shook his head. "My first grave robbing case. I mean, have you ever heard of such a thing?"
"Not since Frankenstein."
Hammer shook his head. "What the hell would anyone do with it?" He turned green and actually set aside his shake. "On second thought, I don't want to know."
"Who worked the initial homicide?"
"Yours truly."
"Full circle," I said.
"Yeah. First we catch the killer - the husband, always the husband - and now I have to run down the fucking body. What are the chances?"
"Slim to none," I said. "Where's the husband now?"
"In San Quentin. Death Row."
"Tell me about it," I said.
"The usual story. An abusive bastard. Beat her up often. One day he doesn't stop punching and brings a knife into play. A fucking butter knife that he kept near his bed."
"Premeditative?"
"Yup. Stabbed her seventy-two times."
Now I nearly choked on my orange juice. "Jesus."
"Bloodiest crime scene I've ever seen."
"So why was the body exhumed?" I asked.
"There's a paternity case going on. Apparently, a son has appeared out of nowhere, claiming to be an heir. I'm assuming it's the same son who hired you."
"An heir to what?" I asked.
"A significant fortune. The family was loaded. The loving couple left behind boat loads to two legitimate kids."
"And now there's an illegitimate kid."
Hammer nodded as our food arrived. He immediately shoved three fat steak fries under his mustache into what I assumed was his mouth. His rat-like mustache twitched once, twice, and the fries disappeared.
I ate my fries as well, but I ate them one at a time, and I didn't have a rat-like mustache.
Hammer nodded. "You guessed it. A legitimate kid who wants in on the family's money."
"Was there a will?"
"Of course. And it did indeed name a son whom she offered up for adoption years ago."
"So he might the one."
"Or not. Lots of scams out there, Spinoza. You know that. Anyway, the kid, your client, goes through the proper channels and next thing I hear they're digging up mamma. Only she's not where she's supposed to be."
"Curiouser and curiouser," I said.
"Fucking sick, if you ask me." But not so sick as to stop him from sinking his teeth deep into the burger.
"Any leads?" I asked.
"Nope," he said, chewing furiously. "But if you see a corpse lying around, lemme know. I'm trying like hell to pawn this case off on the robbery division, since they deal with human trafficking, too."
"A loophole in the LAPD divisions," I said.
"Yeah, but it's not shaking out the way I'd hoped. So far, Chief wants me in on it because I'm familiar with the case. Like I've got nothing better to do then look for a stolen fucking body."
"A waste of your considerable talents," I said.
"Don't fuck with me, Spinoza. I got two new homicides in the last 24 hours alone. Last thing I need to be doing is looking for a bunch of bones."
"Sounds like you might need my help, too," I said.
"Not likely, but if you want to poke around, feel free."
"I'll need a copy of your file," I said.
"It's illegal for me to give you a copy of my file."
"It's never stopped you before."
"I know," said Hammer, polishing off the burger. "I just needed to officially say it before I accidentally email you a copy of the electronic file."
I grinned. "Accidents do happen."