The Virgin
Page 47
“Um...how about the big one? ‘Thou shall not kill.’ Where’s the loophole there?”
“Spiders.”
“Spiders?”
“Spiders are the work of the devil. If God didn’t want us to kill spiders, he wouldn’t have allowed Satan himself to invent them and unleash them on the world. Spiders. Give me another one.”
“What about the priestly vow of celibacy?” Elle asked, giving Kyrie her best and therefore fakest innocent look.
“Celibacy means no getting married. So let priests have sex, but they can’t get married.”
“Yes, but the Bible also says no sex outside of marriage. So if they get married, they’re breaking the celibacy vow. If they have sex when they aren’t married, they’re breaking the command against fornication.”
“That is a tough one,” Kyrie said, nodding her head. “Wait. I got it.”
“What?”
“Hand jobs.”
“That is your answer to the issue of priestly celibacy? Hand jobs?”
Kyrie raised her hands and wiggled her fingers.
“A hand job isn’t sex. Right?”
“Not exactly, no.”
“I mean, you could give a priest a foot rub, right? That wouldn’t be sex, right?”
“Right,” Elle said, remembering all the intimate massages she’d given Søren at his command.
“And a hand job is like a foot rub but not on the foot. It’s a massage.”
“A really intimate massage,” Elle reminded her.
“But still, not sexual intercourse.”
“Definitely not intercourse.” Elle couldn’t argue with her.
“There. Loophole Theology saves the day. I have solved the crisis in the priesthood. Priests can’t get married. They can’t have sex. But they can get handies to their heart’s content.”
“Great. I’ll go give a priest a hand job,” Elle said, opening her book up once more. “Again.”
“Do I get points? I want my points,” Kyrie said. “I’m stuck at four.”
“You can have two points for spiders. Two points for hand jobs.”
“Yes. Eight points. Getting closer.”
“There are extra points if you actually give a priest a hand job.”
“Ew. No, thank you,” Kyrie said with a dramatic shudder. “I’m picturing Father Antonio.”
“What? You don’t find liver spots sexy?”
Kyrie smiled. “Men.”
“That’s right. You’re a girl’s girl.”
“Does that bother you?” Kyrie asked.
“What? That you’re a lesbian?”
“That.”
Elle stared blankly at Kyrie. Then she laughed. She laughed and she laughed and she laughed.
Then she laughed a little bit more.
“Elle?”
“Sorry....”
She laughed again.
“Elle, you’re laughing like a maniac.”
Elle playfully wiped a tear from her eye.
“I’m done laughing,” she said. Then she laughed again.
“Elle, seriously. Are you having a seizure? Is this demonic possession? Holy laughter?”
“No, none of those.” Elle finally took a deep breath and stopped laughing. “The irony of someone, anyone, thinking I’d be bothered by a girl who likes girls.”
“So I’m guessing you...”
“I’m bi,” Elle said. She was also the most famous submissive in the Manhattan Underground, but she decided not to tell Kyrie that part. Yet. “Which is either the best of both worlds or the worst of both worlds.”
“I’m an optimist,” Kyrie said. “We’ll go with best of both worlds.”
“I could use some optimism.”
“I could use some points. I’m still working on my twenty-five points. I think I should get more than four points for hand jobs and spiders.”
“You get one bonus point for using them in a sentence together.”
“So I only need sixteen more points until you tell me what you’re doing here?” Kyrie asked, grinning eagerly.
“Sixteen more points until you regret asking.”
“I can’t wait.” Kyrie stretched her legs out and let her bare feet hover in front of the fireplace.
“I can.”
“Is it bad?” Kyrie lowered her legs and looked at Elle. “Really bad?”
“It’s...you know.”
“Complicated.” Kyrie nodded. “Right, you said that earlier this week.”
“It’s still complicated. Things haven’t ceased being complicated in the last three days.”
“Maybe you only think they’re complicated because you’re inside the situation? And maybe if you were outside of it like I am, it wouldn’t be so complicated. You know, like a person trapped in a maze. You can only see what’s in front of you. But if you were above the maze looking down at it, you’d know exactly where you are, what’s happening and where to go.”
“It’s a nice thought,” Elle said, resting her hands in the cradle of the open book. “But I promise, there’s no way out of this maze. No matter how you look at it.”
“I just...” Kyrie smiled at Elle. “I want to help.”
“You can’t. But don’t feel bad. No one can.”
“Not even God?”
“Spiders.”
“Spiders?”
“Spiders are the work of the devil. If God didn’t want us to kill spiders, he wouldn’t have allowed Satan himself to invent them and unleash them on the world. Spiders. Give me another one.”
“What about the priestly vow of celibacy?” Elle asked, giving Kyrie her best and therefore fakest innocent look.
“Celibacy means no getting married. So let priests have sex, but they can’t get married.”
“Yes, but the Bible also says no sex outside of marriage. So if they get married, they’re breaking the celibacy vow. If they have sex when they aren’t married, they’re breaking the command against fornication.”
“That is a tough one,” Kyrie said, nodding her head. “Wait. I got it.”
“What?”
“Hand jobs.”
“That is your answer to the issue of priestly celibacy? Hand jobs?”
Kyrie raised her hands and wiggled her fingers.
“A hand job isn’t sex. Right?”
“Not exactly, no.”
“I mean, you could give a priest a foot rub, right? That wouldn’t be sex, right?”
“Right,” Elle said, remembering all the intimate massages she’d given Søren at his command.
“And a hand job is like a foot rub but not on the foot. It’s a massage.”
“A really intimate massage,” Elle reminded her.
“But still, not sexual intercourse.”
“Definitely not intercourse.” Elle couldn’t argue with her.
“There. Loophole Theology saves the day. I have solved the crisis in the priesthood. Priests can’t get married. They can’t have sex. But they can get handies to their heart’s content.”
“Great. I’ll go give a priest a hand job,” Elle said, opening her book up once more. “Again.”
“Do I get points? I want my points,” Kyrie said. “I’m stuck at four.”
“You can have two points for spiders. Two points for hand jobs.”
“Yes. Eight points. Getting closer.”
“There are extra points if you actually give a priest a hand job.”
“Ew. No, thank you,” Kyrie said with a dramatic shudder. “I’m picturing Father Antonio.”
“What? You don’t find liver spots sexy?”
Kyrie smiled. “Men.”
“That’s right. You’re a girl’s girl.”
“Does that bother you?” Kyrie asked.
“What? That you’re a lesbian?”
“That.”
Elle stared blankly at Kyrie. Then she laughed. She laughed and she laughed and she laughed.
Then she laughed a little bit more.
“Elle?”
“Sorry....”
She laughed again.
“Elle, you’re laughing like a maniac.”
Elle playfully wiped a tear from her eye.
“I’m done laughing,” she said. Then she laughed again.
“Elle, seriously. Are you having a seizure? Is this demonic possession? Holy laughter?”
“No, none of those.” Elle finally took a deep breath and stopped laughing. “The irony of someone, anyone, thinking I’d be bothered by a girl who likes girls.”
“So I’m guessing you...”
“I’m bi,” Elle said. She was also the most famous submissive in the Manhattan Underground, but she decided not to tell Kyrie that part. Yet. “Which is either the best of both worlds or the worst of both worlds.”
“I’m an optimist,” Kyrie said. “We’ll go with best of both worlds.”
“I could use some optimism.”
“I could use some points. I’m still working on my twenty-five points. I think I should get more than four points for hand jobs and spiders.”
“You get one bonus point for using them in a sentence together.”
“So I only need sixteen more points until you tell me what you’re doing here?” Kyrie asked, grinning eagerly.
“Sixteen more points until you regret asking.”
“I can’t wait.” Kyrie stretched her legs out and let her bare feet hover in front of the fireplace.
“I can.”
“Is it bad?” Kyrie lowered her legs and looked at Elle. “Really bad?”
“It’s...you know.”
“Complicated.” Kyrie nodded. “Right, you said that earlier this week.”
“It’s still complicated. Things haven’t ceased being complicated in the last three days.”
“Maybe you only think they’re complicated because you’re inside the situation? And maybe if you were outside of it like I am, it wouldn’t be so complicated. You know, like a person trapped in a maze. You can only see what’s in front of you. But if you were above the maze looking down at it, you’d know exactly where you are, what’s happening and where to go.”
“It’s a nice thought,” Elle said, resting her hands in the cradle of the open book. “But I promise, there’s no way out of this maze. No matter how you look at it.”
“I just...” Kyrie smiled at Elle. “I want to help.”
“You can’t. But don’t feel bad. No one can.”
“Not even God?”
