Thirty-Six and a Half Motives
Page 33
“You hush now,” she said quietly. “You’re plenty enough. But we both know Mason has his principles, and there’s no disputin’ you’ve crossed a heap of lines. He’s just struggling to catch up is all.”
“So you think I did the wrong thing?”
“That’s not my decision to make. It’s yours. But if you’re asking what I would have done in your situation, then I’ll tell you that I would have done the same.”
I started crying harder. “I never should have gone to Skeeter for help last November. I should have just let my business fail.”
She lifted my chin and looked into my eyes, her face covered with shadows in the darkened room. “Do you really believe that? Really? Are you’re telling me that if you had to do it all over again, you would have let your business fail and let Mason get killed? Because going to Skeeter last November stopped both of those things from happening.”
“No.” I shook my head in confusion. “I don’t know. I know what I’ve done is wrong and that I should feel guiltier than I do, but mostly I’m just so sad that I’ve lost him.” My sobs were coming harder, as the true gravity of my loss hit me.
She pulled me close, stroking the back of my head. “Oh, honey. Sometimes you make some crazy leaps—and I’ll admit, I thought you’d plum lost your mind when you went to Skeeter for help—but you followed your instincts, and look how it turned out.”
“I lost Mason.”
“You would have lost him anyway. Only, this way, he’s alive.”
I knew she was right, but it still felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown across the room.
“Rose, you and me are so much alike. People beatin’ us down when we were kids, telling us we were worthless and good for nothin’. We think we’re supposed do what we’re told, even when it doesn’t feel right. We’re supposed to be who they want us to be.” She paused, searching my face. “Well, we can’t go fittin’ other people’s molds. We can’t allow ourselves to be untrue to the people we’re supposed to be.”
“But I want Mason. I lost him because I’m thoughtless and careless. I don’t deserve him.” I covered my face with my hands, still sobbing.
“You stop that talk right now,” she admonished gently, pulling my hands from my face, and then brushing the hair from my eyes. “This has nothing to do with either of those things. Tell me about the Rose Gardner from a year ago today. Did she have many friends?”
“No.”
“What were her dreams?”
I released a tiny laugh. “I wanted to go to Little Rock for a visit. I wanted to go back to school to become a teacher. I figured that would be the only way I could have kids in my life. Well, other than Ashley and Mikey.”
“Why?” she asked in a teasing tone. “Because no man would want Crazy Rose Gardner?”
She was right, and we both knew it. No need to confirm it.
“Do you still want to become a teacher?”
“No. I love the landscaping company. I love owning my own business, even though I spend half my time worrying that it’s gonna fail.”
“What about going to Little Rock?”
I smiled through my tears. “You know I’ve already been. Multiple times.”
“Look at how your dreams have grown, and in such a short time.”
“People’s dreams change, Neely Kate.”
“True, but think about it. You have changed so much in less than a year. The you who broke up with Joe couldn’t be more different than the you who broke up with Mason. Just like the me who met Ronnie is different than the me I am now. We were held back for so long, Rose, so as soon as the gate was opened, we just busted loose, no looking back. We’re growing and changing so much it’s not fair to ask a man to sit back and accept it. Maybe we need to figure out who we are, all on our own, before we know what we have to offer someone else.”
“But I want Mason,” I sobbed into her shoulder. “I’ll fix it. I’ll fix it all, and then I’ll beg his forgiveness and ask him to take me back.”
“Oh, honey,” she cooed into my ear as she stroked my head.
I fell asleep crying, my heart broken from the knowledge that she was probably right.
Chapter 13
When I awoke, my eyelids were heavy and my mouth dry. Daylight filtered in from the window, and when I rolled over, Neely Kate was gone.
I got out of bed and got dressed, then followed the smell of food to the kitchen. Neely Kate stood in front of the stove. Jed was leaned back in a kitchen chair, legs stretched out in front of him, eyes closed. Muffy was curled up under his chair, watching for Neely Kate to “accidentally” drop scraps.
“Good morning,” I said, opening cabinets to look for a glass.
Muffy’s head popped up, and she ran over to me, jumping up on my legs. I scooped her up and held her close, letting her lick my chin. She’d been missing Mason terribly, so she needed a little extra love from me. Not that it was a problem; it worked both ways.
Neely Kate turned to look at me, a spatula in her hand. “There’s fresh coffee in the pot. And Muffy’s already been outside.” She pointed to the coffee pot on the counter. “I brought her leash from your house, and Skeeter walked her while she did her business.” She turned back to the stove. “I know you worry she’ll run off.”
“Skeeter walked her?”
She shrugged.
“I need water before coffee,” I croaked, opening another cabinet door and finding eight shiny glasses, all turned upside down and arranged in neat rows.
“There’s cold water in the fridge.”
I opened the refrigerator door and discovered a pitcher of water as well as plenty of food. I poured a glass, then looked around the cozy kitchen with its pale yellow walls and bright white cabinets and trim. Roosters were everywhere—rooster canisters, rooster wallpaper, even a set of rooster salt and pepper shakers on the wooden kitchen table. It looked like the lair of a rooster serial killer. This was the polar opposite of the cabin where Skeeter had taken me before. “What is this place?”
Jed’s eyes were still closed, and I realized he was asleep.
Neely Kate started to answer, but I held a finger up to my lips and pointed to Jed.
“So you think I did the wrong thing?”
“That’s not my decision to make. It’s yours. But if you’re asking what I would have done in your situation, then I’ll tell you that I would have done the same.”
I started crying harder. “I never should have gone to Skeeter for help last November. I should have just let my business fail.”
She lifted my chin and looked into my eyes, her face covered with shadows in the darkened room. “Do you really believe that? Really? Are you’re telling me that if you had to do it all over again, you would have let your business fail and let Mason get killed? Because going to Skeeter last November stopped both of those things from happening.”
“No.” I shook my head in confusion. “I don’t know. I know what I’ve done is wrong and that I should feel guiltier than I do, but mostly I’m just so sad that I’ve lost him.” My sobs were coming harder, as the true gravity of my loss hit me.
She pulled me close, stroking the back of my head. “Oh, honey. Sometimes you make some crazy leaps—and I’ll admit, I thought you’d plum lost your mind when you went to Skeeter for help—but you followed your instincts, and look how it turned out.”
“I lost Mason.”
“You would have lost him anyway. Only, this way, he’s alive.”
I knew she was right, but it still felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown across the room.
“Rose, you and me are so much alike. People beatin’ us down when we were kids, telling us we were worthless and good for nothin’. We think we’re supposed do what we’re told, even when it doesn’t feel right. We’re supposed to be who they want us to be.” She paused, searching my face. “Well, we can’t go fittin’ other people’s molds. We can’t allow ourselves to be untrue to the people we’re supposed to be.”
“But I want Mason. I lost him because I’m thoughtless and careless. I don’t deserve him.” I covered my face with my hands, still sobbing.
“You stop that talk right now,” she admonished gently, pulling my hands from my face, and then brushing the hair from my eyes. “This has nothing to do with either of those things. Tell me about the Rose Gardner from a year ago today. Did she have many friends?”
“No.”
“What were her dreams?”
I released a tiny laugh. “I wanted to go to Little Rock for a visit. I wanted to go back to school to become a teacher. I figured that would be the only way I could have kids in my life. Well, other than Ashley and Mikey.”
“Why?” she asked in a teasing tone. “Because no man would want Crazy Rose Gardner?”
She was right, and we both knew it. No need to confirm it.
“Do you still want to become a teacher?”
“No. I love the landscaping company. I love owning my own business, even though I spend half my time worrying that it’s gonna fail.”
“What about going to Little Rock?”
I smiled through my tears. “You know I’ve already been. Multiple times.”
“Look at how your dreams have grown, and in such a short time.”
“People’s dreams change, Neely Kate.”
“True, but think about it. You have changed so much in less than a year. The you who broke up with Joe couldn’t be more different than the you who broke up with Mason. Just like the me who met Ronnie is different than the me I am now. We were held back for so long, Rose, so as soon as the gate was opened, we just busted loose, no looking back. We’re growing and changing so much it’s not fair to ask a man to sit back and accept it. Maybe we need to figure out who we are, all on our own, before we know what we have to offer someone else.”
“But I want Mason,” I sobbed into her shoulder. “I’ll fix it. I’ll fix it all, and then I’ll beg his forgiveness and ask him to take me back.”
“Oh, honey,” she cooed into my ear as she stroked my head.
I fell asleep crying, my heart broken from the knowledge that she was probably right.
Chapter 13
When I awoke, my eyelids were heavy and my mouth dry. Daylight filtered in from the window, and when I rolled over, Neely Kate was gone.
I got out of bed and got dressed, then followed the smell of food to the kitchen. Neely Kate stood in front of the stove. Jed was leaned back in a kitchen chair, legs stretched out in front of him, eyes closed. Muffy was curled up under his chair, watching for Neely Kate to “accidentally” drop scraps.
“Good morning,” I said, opening cabinets to look for a glass.
Muffy’s head popped up, and she ran over to me, jumping up on my legs. I scooped her up and held her close, letting her lick my chin. She’d been missing Mason terribly, so she needed a little extra love from me. Not that it was a problem; it worked both ways.
Neely Kate turned to look at me, a spatula in her hand. “There’s fresh coffee in the pot. And Muffy’s already been outside.” She pointed to the coffee pot on the counter. “I brought her leash from your house, and Skeeter walked her while she did her business.” She turned back to the stove. “I know you worry she’ll run off.”
“Skeeter walked her?”
She shrugged.
“I need water before coffee,” I croaked, opening another cabinet door and finding eight shiny glasses, all turned upside down and arranged in neat rows.
“There’s cold water in the fridge.”
I opened the refrigerator door and discovered a pitcher of water as well as plenty of food. I poured a glass, then looked around the cozy kitchen with its pale yellow walls and bright white cabinets and trim. Roosters were everywhere—rooster canisters, rooster wallpaper, even a set of rooster salt and pepper shakers on the wooden kitchen table. It looked like the lair of a rooster serial killer. This was the polar opposite of the cabin where Skeeter had taken me before. “What is this place?”
Jed’s eyes were still closed, and I realized he was asleep.
Neely Kate started to answer, but I held a finger up to my lips and pointed to Jed.
