This Man Confessed
Page 21
‘Why?’ I shout at him.
He doesn’t try to touch me or come towards me. He just remains standing in the doorway, still with no emotion on his face. His frown line isn’t even there, but I know he must be concerned, and he must be really concentrating on not restraining his deranged wife.
‘You were ignoring it, Ava. I need you to acknowledge this.’ His voice is soft and even. ‘I needed to spike a reaction from you.’
‘I don’t mean why you’ve told me. I knew! I mean why the fuck did you do it?’
His frown line has arrived. So has the nibbled lip. I don’t know why he’s thinking so hard about this. Nothing can detract from the fact that this is plain fucked up. He is fucked up, and I’m fucked up for ignoring it all this time. ‘You make me crazy.’ He shakes his head. ‘You make me do crazy shit, Ava.’
‘So it’s my fault?’ I scream. ‘My pills started going missing only days after you took me.’ I say took because he actually did. He broke me down, his determination impossible to escape.
‘I know.’ His eyes drop to the floor.
Oh no! He will face me, not look away from me. I steam back into his chest and grab his jaw, forcing his reluctant head up. ‘You don’t get to evade your reasons for this. You’ve taken it upon yourself to dictate my life direction. I don’t want a fucking baby! This is my body! You don’t get to make these decisions for me!’ My voice is breaking through my screams. ‘Tell me why the fucking hell you did this to me!’
‘Because I wanted to keep you forever.’ he whispers.
I drop his jaw and step back. ‘You wanted to trap me?’
‘Yes,’ His eyes drop again.
‘Because you knew I’d run when I found out about your business and your drinking problem?’
‘Yes.’ He refuses to look at me.
‘But I came back after I found out about The Manor and the alcohol, yet you still took my pills.’ This man makes no sense.
‘You didn’t know about my history then.’
‘I do now.’
‘I know.’
‘Stop saying you know!’ My arms wave around in front of him. I’m losing control again.
His eyes lift, but they don’t meet mine. They’re darting around the room, looking at anything but me. He’s ashamed. ‘What do you want me to say?’ he asks quietly.
I don’t even know, so I turn and head for the wardrobe. I’ve been married to this man for a day and I’m walking out on him, but I have no clue of what else to do. I grab my ripped jeans and yank them on.
‘What are you doing?’ His voice is full of the fear I knew it would be. He’ll never cope with this, but neither will I if I stay. This has suddenly hit me very hard.
I don’t answer him, instead focusing on getting my bra and t-shirt on before I yank down an overnight bag.
‘Ava, what the hell are you doing?’ The bag is snatched from my hand. ‘You’re not leaving me.’ His words are somewhere between a demand and a plea.
‘I need some space.’ I seize the bag back and start stuffing my clothes in.
‘Space for what?’ He grips my arm, but I pull myself free. ‘Ava, please.’
‘Please what?’ My clothes are being yanked and rammed into my bag viciously, but I fear I might turn on Jesse again if I don’t focus on this, and I can’t bring myself to look at him. I know what I’ll see.
Fear.
‘Please, Ava, don’t go.’
I turn and storm past him, heading for the bathroom to collect my toiletries. He’s not restraining me, and I know why. It’s the same reason he’s been delicate with me for weeks. Because he thinks he’ll hurt his baby.
He’s behind me, I know he is, but I continue gathering my things, fighting the overwhelming need to lash out, but at the same time, fighting the need to comfort him. I’m so confused.
‘Ava, please, let’s talk about this.’
I swing around in shock. ‘Talk?’
He nods sheepishly. ‘Please.’
‘What is there to talk about? You’ve done the most underhanded thing possible. Nothing you could say will make me understand this. You do not get to make these decisions. You do not get to control me to this extent. This is my life!’
‘But you knew I was taking them.’
‘Yes, I did! But perhaps because of all the other shit you’ve thrown on me since I’ve met you, I didn’t consider how fucked up this really is. This is completely messed up, Jesse, and you’ve got no redeeming reason. Wanting to keep me isn’t good enough. That’s not a decision you get to make on your own!’ I try to calm myself, but I’m fighting a losing battle. ‘What about me?’ I scream in his face. ‘What about what I want?’
‘But I love you.’
The grip on my bag tightens until my fingers are numb. I’m seriously losing the plot. I walk past him and quickly make my way downstairs.
‘Ava!’
I ignore him and keep going. The anger bubbling inside me has shocked me as much as it’s shocked Jesse. This is past controlling. This is unforgivable. I don’t want a baby.
‘Ava, stay. I’ll do anything.’ His heavy footsteps are close behind me, but he’s nude, and as much as I know that he has no shame, I know he wouldn’t run out in public completely naked.
When I reach the door, I turn to face him. ‘You’ll do anything?’
‘Yes. You know that.’ His terrified face nearly makes me throw my arms around his big shoulders. Even now, when he’s confessed to sealing my pills, I’m struggling not to fall into his arms. But if I let this one go, then I’m setting myself up for a lifetime of manipulating. I can’t do that. We need some time apart. This is too intense, and perhaps I should have thought about that before I married him, but it’s too late now. I might have made the biggest mistake of my life.
‘Then you’ll give me some space.’
I walk out.
Chapter 7
Kate’s not at home, so I let myself in and make my way upstairs to my old room. After sitting on the bed for an eternity and ignoring Massive Attack’s Angel, I finally drag myself up and have a long shower. Under the hot spray, I soap everywhere, running the sponge absentmindedly all over my body and pausing when I reach my stomach. I feel devoid of any emotion. There are no natural motherly instincts in me that make me want to caress my tummy. I’ve never given motherhood a second thought. I’m too young, and I have a flourishing career to concentrate on. This life changing decision shouldn’t be made for me. He had no right to do this. But he had no right to claim me so aggressively, yet he did. He has no right to dictate what I wear, but he does. And he has no right to trample all over my life with his overbearing, unreasonable and challenging ways… but he does. And I let him. I fight him on many things, but he mostly gets his way. Not on this, though. I have accepted many things where Jesse is concerned, but I realise now that I absolutely cannot accept this. And I won’t. I remove myself from the shower and dry myself off before crossing the landing to my room. Looking down at my phone, I see just one missed call since I last cleared the screen. I’m surprised, but then it vibrates in my hand. It’s a text message.
He doesn’t try to touch me or come towards me. He just remains standing in the doorway, still with no emotion on his face. His frown line isn’t even there, but I know he must be concerned, and he must be really concentrating on not restraining his deranged wife.
‘You were ignoring it, Ava. I need you to acknowledge this.’ His voice is soft and even. ‘I needed to spike a reaction from you.’
‘I don’t mean why you’ve told me. I knew! I mean why the fuck did you do it?’
His frown line has arrived. So has the nibbled lip. I don’t know why he’s thinking so hard about this. Nothing can detract from the fact that this is plain fucked up. He is fucked up, and I’m fucked up for ignoring it all this time. ‘You make me crazy.’ He shakes his head. ‘You make me do crazy shit, Ava.’
‘So it’s my fault?’ I scream. ‘My pills started going missing only days after you took me.’ I say took because he actually did. He broke me down, his determination impossible to escape.
‘I know.’ His eyes drop to the floor.
Oh no! He will face me, not look away from me. I steam back into his chest and grab his jaw, forcing his reluctant head up. ‘You don’t get to evade your reasons for this. You’ve taken it upon yourself to dictate my life direction. I don’t want a fucking baby! This is my body! You don’t get to make these decisions for me!’ My voice is breaking through my screams. ‘Tell me why the fucking hell you did this to me!’
‘Because I wanted to keep you forever.’ he whispers.
I drop his jaw and step back. ‘You wanted to trap me?’
‘Yes,’ His eyes drop again.
‘Because you knew I’d run when I found out about your business and your drinking problem?’
‘Yes.’ He refuses to look at me.
‘But I came back after I found out about The Manor and the alcohol, yet you still took my pills.’ This man makes no sense.
‘You didn’t know about my history then.’
‘I do now.’
‘I know.’
‘Stop saying you know!’ My arms wave around in front of him. I’m losing control again.
His eyes lift, but they don’t meet mine. They’re darting around the room, looking at anything but me. He’s ashamed. ‘What do you want me to say?’ he asks quietly.
I don’t even know, so I turn and head for the wardrobe. I’ve been married to this man for a day and I’m walking out on him, but I have no clue of what else to do. I grab my ripped jeans and yank them on.
‘What are you doing?’ His voice is full of the fear I knew it would be. He’ll never cope with this, but neither will I if I stay. This has suddenly hit me very hard.
I don’t answer him, instead focusing on getting my bra and t-shirt on before I yank down an overnight bag.
‘Ava, what the hell are you doing?’ The bag is snatched from my hand. ‘You’re not leaving me.’ His words are somewhere between a demand and a plea.
‘I need some space.’ I seize the bag back and start stuffing my clothes in.
‘Space for what?’ He grips my arm, but I pull myself free. ‘Ava, please.’
‘Please what?’ My clothes are being yanked and rammed into my bag viciously, but I fear I might turn on Jesse again if I don’t focus on this, and I can’t bring myself to look at him. I know what I’ll see.
Fear.
‘Please, Ava, don’t go.’
I turn and storm past him, heading for the bathroom to collect my toiletries. He’s not restraining me, and I know why. It’s the same reason he’s been delicate with me for weeks. Because he thinks he’ll hurt his baby.
He’s behind me, I know he is, but I continue gathering my things, fighting the overwhelming need to lash out, but at the same time, fighting the need to comfort him. I’m so confused.
‘Ava, please, let’s talk about this.’
I swing around in shock. ‘Talk?’
He nods sheepishly. ‘Please.’
‘What is there to talk about? You’ve done the most underhanded thing possible. Nothing you could say will make me understand this. You do not get to make these decisions. You do not get to control me to this extent. This is my life!’
‘But you knew I was taking them.’
‘Yes, I did! But perhaps because of all the other shit you’ve thrown on me since I’ve met you, I didn’t consider how fucked up this really is. This is completely messed up, Jesse, and you’ve got no redeeming reason. Wanting to keep me isn’t good enough. That’s not a decision you get to make on your own!’ I try to calm myself, but I’m fighting a losing battle. ‘What about me?’ I scream in his face. ‘What about what I want?’
‘But I love you.’
The grip on my bag tightens until my fingers are numb. I’m seriously losing the plot. I walk past him and quickly make my way downstairs.
‘Ava!’
I ignore him and keep going. The anger bubbling inside me has shocked me as much as it’s shocked Jesse. This is past controlling. This is unforgivable. I don’t want a baby.
‘Ava, stay. I’ll do anything.’ His heavy footsteps are close behind me, but he’s nude, and as much as I know that he has no shame, I know he wouldn’t run out in public completely naked.
When I reach the door, I turn to face him. ‘You’ll do anything?’
‘Yes. You know that.’ His terrified face nearly makes me throw my arms around his big shoulders. Even now, when he’s confessed to sealing my pills, I’m struggling not to fall into his arms. But if I let this one go, then I’m setting myself up for a lifetime of manipulating. I can’t do that. We need some time apart. This is too intense, and perhaps I should have thought about that before I married him, but it’s too late now. I might have made the biggest mistake of my life.
‘Then you’ll give me some space.’
I walk out.
Chapter 7
Kate’s not at home, so I let myself in and make my way upstairs to my old room. After sitting on the bed for an eternity and ignoring Massive Attack’s Angel, I finally drag myself up and have a long shower. Under the hot spray, I soap everywhere, running the sponge absentmindedly all over my body and pausing when I reach my stomach. I feel devoid of any emotion. There are no natural motherly instincts in me that make me want to caress my tummy. I’ve never given motherhood a second thought. I’m too young, and I have a flourishing career to concentrate on. This life changing decision shouldn’t be made for me. He had no right to do this. But he had no right to claim me so aggressively, yet he did. He has no right to dictate what I wear, but he does. And he has no right to trample all over my life with his overbearing, unreasonable and challenging ways… but he does. And I let him. I fight him on many things, but he mostly gets his way. Not on this, though. I have accepted many things where Jesse is concerned, but I realise now that I absolutely cannot accept this. And I won’t. I remove myself from the shower and dry myself off before crossing the landing to my room. Looking down at my phone, I see just one missed call since I last cleared the screen. I’m surprised, but then it vibrates in my hand. It’s a text message.
