This Man Confessed
Page 46
‘I love you.’ he says quietly. ‘So much.’
I smile. ‘I know.’
He presses his lips to my stomach tenderly, and then strokes it softly. ‘And I love you, too.’ he whispers to my flat belly. He circles his nose around my bellybutton before he works his way up the bed and lays himself all over me. My hair is brushed from my face and he gazes down at me. ‘I’ll try to be better. With you, I mean. I’ll try not to smother you and make you crazy.’
‘I like you smothering me. It’s the unreasonableness that we need to work on.’
‘Give me specifics.’ he prompts.
‘You want to know exactly what drives me crazy?’
‘Yes, tell me. I can’t try to control it if I don’t know exactly what bothers you.’ He drops a chaste kiss on my lips, and I struggle to prevent a laugh. He doesn’t know? We could be here for the rest of the year, but I’ll focus on my main grievance for now.
‘You treated me too gently. When you thought I was pregnant, you stopped being fierce in the bedroom and I didn’t like it. I want my dominant Jesse back.’
He pulls back and his eyebrows shoot up. ‘What the hell have I done to you?’
‘You’re addictive, and lately I’ve been having Jesse withdrawal.’ I’m frank and honest with my answer. I need to get this out because another eight-ish months with gentle Jesse might send me crazy.
His frown line flickers straight across his brow. ‘I’ve taken you hard lately.’
‘Yes, but only when you thought I wasn’t pregnant, and when you thought I was, I had to provoke you into it. I want shock and awe.’
His frown deepens further. ‘Don’t you like sleepy sex?’
I sigh and reach up to grab his cheeks. ‘You won’t hurt it, you know.’
‘It?’ he laughs. ‘Let’s get one thing straight, lady. We will not be calling my baby it.’
‘It’s hardly a baby at the moment.’
‘What is it, then?’
‘Well, it’s probably more like a peanut.’ I watch as his eyes sparkle delightedly and a cheeky grin spreads across that otherworldly face. ‘Oh no, Ward!’ I laugh.
‘What?’ He leans down and rubs his nose up my cheek. ‘It’s perfect.’
‘I am not referring to our baby as peanut! End of!’ I yelp as I’m grabbed on my sensitive hipbone, and I start bucking under him, somewhere between delight and torture—the torture for obvious reasons and the delight because this is normal. This is us. ‘Stop!’ I cry.
And he does. ‘Shit!’ he curses.
‘What are you doing?’ I shout angrily. He looks down at my stomach and then back up at me, his shamed expression telling me he knows exactly what he’s just done. ‘See,’ I hit him with critical eyes. ‘That is what I mean! If you don’t reinstate some of your normal behaviour soon, then I’ll be moving to my mum and dad’s for the rest of this pregnancy.’ I’m not even being dramatic. I absolutely will. ‘I mean it, Ward. All of the fierceness, the rough, the countdowns and fuckings of various degrees, I want them back, and I want them now.’
He’s just looking at his wife like she’s a complete nutcase. I think she is. ‘Calmed down yet?’ he asks seriously.
‘That depends on whether any of this is sinking in to this thick skull of yours.’ I reach for his hair and yank it.
‘Ouch!’ He laughs a little and then sighs, rolling over onto his back and taking me with him. His knees come up to support my back, and he studies me thoughtfully. I let him. I sit and wait for him to piece together what he wants to say until he inhales deeply. ‘Do you remember when I found you at the bar, when I showed you how to dance?’
I smile as I relax against his thighs behind me. ‘That was the night that I realised I’d fallen in love with you.’ I confess.
‘I know because you told me. You were drunk, but you still said it.’
‘Hmm. Must have been the dancing.’
‘I know.’ His shoulders jump up casually. ‘I’m good.’
I shake my head at his impertinence. ‘You’re arrogant.’ I’ve grown to love that about him, too. His confidence is actually a huge turn-on, especially now that he’s just mine. And he has every right to be self-assured.
‘It would seem that I’m a little brighter than my beautiful wife.’ he says, wrapping his palms around my ankles.
‘You’re really arrogant.’
‘No, not this time. This time I’m just honest. You see, I realised that I was in love with you before then.’
I pout. ‘Does that make you cleverer than me?’
‘Yes, it does. The whole time you were running, I was so frustrated. I was thinking there must’ve been something wrong with you.’ He smiles shyly. ‘You know, because you wouldn’t submit to me.’
‘Like the others did.’ I confirm his point. I imagine rejection was very frustrating for a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease. He nods, and I sigh. ‘It was only because I knew I’d get hurt. Even though I didn’t know you, it was obvious you…’ I pause briefly. ‘were experienced.’ I was going to say a womaniser, but I don’t think Jesse could be labelled that at all. Women threw themselves at his feet, made it easy for him, so he didn’t need to resort to chasing. Until he met me.
His fingertips start tracing up my shins, and he watches their path. ‘When I left you for those four days…’
‘Don’t!’ I blurt. ‘Please don’t talk about that.’
‘Just let me explain something. It’s important.’ He reaches up and pulls me down so we’re nose to nose. ‘I was so confused by what I was feeling. It took that time away from you to piece together exactly what it was. I couldn’t work out why I was behaving like a madman. I really did think I was going fucking crazy, Ava.’
I absolutely do not relish these reminders. I don’t know where this is leading to, but I already know that he left me because he knew he was in trouble, because he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t need to hear it all again.
He has a little nibble of his lip, right under my nose, and then presses on. ‘I spent day three and four reliving every single moment with you. I replayed them repeatedly until I was torturing myself, so I came to find you. Then you fucking ran again.’
Of course I ran again. My instincts didn’t fail me. Even if I wasn’t wholly sure of why I should be running, I knew I had to.
‘Ava, the night when you told me that you love me, everything became so fucking clear, but at the same time it was a massive blur. I wanted you to love me, but I knew you didn’t really know me. I knew there was stuff that would make you run again, but I also knew that I belonged to you, and it scared me to fucking death to think that once you started unravelling it all, you’d be off again. I couldn’t risk it, not after it took me so long to find you.’ His eyes close and he takes a further deep breath of confidence. ‘I took your pills that night.’
I’m not even shocked. He’s confessed, not only to stealing them, but why he did. It makes sense to him in his crazy world, and worryingly, it kind of does to me.
I smile. ‘I know.’
He presses his lips to my stomach tenderly, and then strokes it softly. ‘And I love you, too.’ he whispers to my flat belly. He circles his nose around my bellybutton before he works his way up the bed and lays himself all over me. My hair is brushed from my face and he gazes down at me. ‘I’ll try to be better. With you, I mean. I’ll try not to smother you and make you crazy.’
‘I like you smothering me. It’s the unreasonableness that we need to work on.’
‘Give me specifics.’ he prompts.
‘You want to know exactly what drives me crazy?’
‘Yes, tell me. I can’t try to control it if I don’t know exactly what bothers you.’ He drops a chaste kiss on my lips, and I struggle to prevent a laugh. He doesn’t know? We could be here for the rest of the year, but I’ll focus on my main grievance for now.
‘You treated me too gently. When you thought I was pregnant, you stopped being fierce in the bedroom and I didn’t like it. I want my dominant Jesse back.’
He pulls back and his eyebrows shoot up. ‘What the hell have I done to you?’
‘You’re addictive, and lately I’ve been having Jesse withdrawal.’ I’m frank and honest with my answer. I need to get this out because another eight-ish months with gentle Jesse might send me crazy.
His frown line flickers straight across his brow. ‘I’ve taken you hard lately.’
‘Yes, but only when you thought I wasn’t pregnant, and when you thought I was, I had to provoke you into it. I want shock and awe.’
His frown deepens further. ‘Don’t you like sleepy sex?’
I sigh and reach up to grab his cheeks. ‘You won’t hurt it, you know.’
‘It?’ he laughs. ‘Let’s get one thing straight, lady. We will not be calling my baby it.’
‘It’s hardly a baby at the moment.’
‘What is it, then?’
‘Well, it’s probably more like a peanut.’ I watch as his eyes sparkle delightedly and a cheeky grin spreads across that otherworldly face. ‘Oh no, Ward!’ I laugh.
‘What?’ He leans down and rubs his nose up my cheek. ‘It’s perfect.’
‘I am not referring to our baby as peanut! End of!’ I yelp as I’m grabbed on my sensitive hipbone, and I start bucking under him, somewhere between delight and torture—the torture for obvious reasons and the delight because this is normal. This is us. ‘Stop!’ I cry.
And he does. ‘Shit!’ he curses.
‘What are you doing?’ I shout angrily. He looks down at my stomach and then back up at me, his shamed expression telling me he knows exactly what he’s just done. ‘See,’ I hit him with critical eyes. ‘That is what I mean! If you don’t reinstate some of your normal behaviour soon, then I’ll be moving to my mum and dad’s for the rest of this pregnancy.’ I’m not even being dramatic. I absolutely will. ‘I mean it, Ward. All of the fierceness, the rough, the countdowns and fuckings of various degrees, I want them back, and I want them now.’
He’s just looking at his wife like she’s a complete nutcase. I think she is. ‘Calmed down yet?’ he asks seriously.
‘That depends on whether any of this is sinking in to this thick skull of yours.’ I reach for his hair and yank it.
‘Ouch!’ He laughs a little and then sighs, rolling over onto his back and taking me with him. His knees come up to support my back, and he studies me thoughtfully. I let him. I sit and wait for him to piece together what he wants to say until he inhales deeply. ‘Do you remember when I found you at the bar, when I showed you how to dance?’
I smile as I relax against his thighs behind me. ‘That was the night that I realised I’d fallen in love with you.’ I confess.
‘I know because you told me. You were drunk, but you still said it.’
‘Hmm. Must have been the dancing.’
‘I know.’ His shoulders jump up casually. ‘I’m good.’
I shake my head at his impertinence. ‘You’re arrogant.’ I’ve grown to love that about him, too. His confidence is actually a huge turn-on, especially now that he’s just mine. And he has every right to be self-assured.
‘It would seem that I’m a little brighter than my beautiful wife.’ he says, wrapping his palms around my ankles.
‘You’re really arrogant.’
‘No, not this time. This time I’m just honest. You see, I realised that I was in love with you before then.’
I pout. ‘Does that make you cleverer than me?’
‘Yes, it does. The whole time you were running, I was so frustrated. I was thinking there must’ve been something wrong with you.’ He smiles shyly. ‘You know, because you wouldn’t submit to me.’
‘Like the others did.’ I confirm his point. I imagine rejection was very frustrating for a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease. He nods, and I sigh. ‘It was only because I knew I’d get hurt. Even though I didn’t know you, it was obvious you…’ I pause briefly. ‘were experienced.’ I was going to say a womaniser, but I don’t think Jesse could be labelled that at all. Women threw themselves at his feet, made it easy for him, so he didn’t need to resort to chasing. Until he met me.
His fingertips start tracing up my shins, and he watches their path. ‘When I left you for those four days…’
‘Don’t!’ I blurt. ‘Please don’t talk about that.’
‘Just let me explain something. It’s important.’ He reaches up and pulls me down so we’re nose to nose. ‘I was so confused by what I was feeling. It took that time away from you to piece together exactly what it was. I couldn’t work out why I was behaving like a madman. I really did think I was going fucking crazy, Ava.’
I absolutely do not relish these reminders. I don’t know where this is leading to, but I already know that he left me because he knew he was in trouble, because he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t need to hear it all again.
He has a little nibble of his lip, right under my nose, and then presses on. ‘I spent day three and four reliving every single moment with you. I replayed them repeatedly until I was torturing myself, so I came to find you. Then you fucking ran again.’
Of course I ran again. My instincts didn’t fail me. Even if I wasn’t wholly sure of why I should be running, I knew I had to.
‘Ava, the night when you told me that you love me, everything became so fucking clear, but at the same time it was a massive blur. I wanted you to love me, but I knew you didn’t really know me. I knew there was stuff that would make you run again, but I also knew that I belonged to you, and it scared me to fucking death to think that once you started unravelling it all, you’d be off again. I couldn’t risk it, not after it took me so long to find you.’ His eyes close and he takes a further deep breath of confidence. ‘I took your pills that night.’
I’m not even shocked. He’s confessed, not only to stealing them, but why he did. It makes sense to him in his crazy world, and worryingly, it kind of does to me.
